Poor mathematics. And all that jazz

The semi-final LIVE! results show
Tx 13th December 2008

The BBC HD ad where it warns you that your eyes will bleed if you watch - srsly not the best way to convince me to invest.

Three couples are battling it out for a place in the final! This is the Strictly semi-final! LIVE!

Titles! Clapping! Drink!

Bruce welcomes us to the results show. Tess tells us the three couples have danced their hearts out, but because there was a tie at the top, they are freezing the phone lines NOW. To me, this indicates they will unfreeze them a bit later. What do you think? This will become important. [It was a bit weird, since we don't know that the phone lines wouldn't usually be closed at the beginning of the results show on a Saturday, because they never have the results show on a Saturday. Anyway, what I heard was: "You can't stop Tom from being voted out, so we're changing the rules." - Georgi]

What's been happening backstage? Tom says it couldn't get much bigger than this - "there's me and two girls." SNIGGER! Lisa and Brendan did a nice Argentine tango; Tom slipped and is fretting about being the worst; Lisa didn't see Tom's dance cos she was getting changed [I wish I'd thought of that - Steve]; Brendan is proud of Lisa and of them as a couple, and jumps up and down, then they cry; Camilla wept because she crumbled under pressure and forgot how to choreograph; Vincent got in a strop because Len slagged his choreography. EXCITING STUFF.

Tess reminds us that Lisa and Rachel are tied at the top of the leaderboard, and Tom is at the bottom. Also THE PHONE LINES HAVE NOW CLOSED. So you can't vote. At all. Ever. But they're still going to recap the performances. Still, I guess it's better than filling the spare time with more Bruce-Len skits.

Bruce welcomes the judges - "la creme de la creme. That's French for the best we could get." Ha. Len says he has been impressed from week one with the standard in this series, and the final three are the cherry on the cake. He thinks this is the toughest test on television. [I'd take it over I'm A Celebrity, personally. - Georgi] Arlene claps like a seal. Bruno says there was plenty to get going for, and it was a case of girl power unleashed - "both of my girls did me proud". Tragically we have no reprise of "IT'S DIVA TIIIIIIIIME!" Craig expects that finalists should dance to the very best of their abilities, and nothing less than perfection is appropriate. Arlene says to be a Strictly champion, you need desire, dedication and a devotion to dance. And possibly other qualities beginning with D. [Due diligence? - Steve]

Here is a showdance from the world champions - Craig Smith and Natalie Wolf. Craig has a see-through sparkly top. Natalie has dressed herself from Ola's cast-offs. They do lots of very nice lifts, including a twirly one at the end where Natalie rolls herself up Craig's torso. It's all pretty, but it's basically rhythmic gymnastics. I half-expect Gabby Logan to rush onto the floor and demand to be allowed to take part.

Tess decides that Natalie does not eat chip butties. This is because Tess is GRITTY AND NORTHERN. She asks Lisa and Brendan how they'll prepare for a similar showdance. Brendan wails, "I need to go to the gym!" and pretends to storm off. Tess encourages the boys to take their shirts off. LEAVE IT, DALY. Tom says he won't do lifts, and will do tap-dancing instead. [Oh joy. - Steve] He says his new wife Clare, whom he has married, has spotted him extending his arms in his sleep. Camilla corrects his hand position. Ha! Pwned by Dallerup. Rachel is tedious in talking about her Journey. [Drink! - Georgi] Vincent is choreographing Rachel and Alex's first dance at their wedding, which is cute.

Bruce says that we don't just love the celebrities. I'd go as far as saying that we don't even love the celebrities in some cases. Anyway, it's all a way of welcoming Matthew, Karen, Darren, Lilia, James and Ola to the floor in a group jive. All lovely. Well done.

Tess reminds us NOT TO VOTE BECAUSE THE PHONE LINES ARE CLOSED. She goes to talk to Austin, but not Erin, whom she studiously ignores. [Which was really fucking RUDE, I thought. Poor Erin. - Georgi] [Maybe if Erin works on her guns for next year things will be different? - Steve] Matt Dawson claims that he is devastated at Austin's exit; Austin claims he will never ever ever dance again. Then he moves on to enthuse about how great all the semi-finalists are. Matt Dawson is disappointed not to have A RUGBY PLAYER in the final, but the performances tonight are loads better than his were. True fact. Austin and Matt cuddle. OF COURSE THEY DO. Austin talks about how good the dances were, including Rachel's Argentine tango (although he begins to say "American Smooth" and then corrects himself), and then says he wants Tom to win because it is so hard for men to dance.

Bruce is talking to June Whitfield, who doesn't know how the judges can possibly judge. Well, if in doubt, they don't, June, have you not been watching? She then says that it is hard for men to dance with professional partners, but the girls are also terrific, and she couldn't choose who should win, so she'll plead the Fifth. Which doesn't exist in this country. Bruce and June reminisce about their youth, and then she says that they couldn't do the show without him. Heh.

This week on It Takes Two - judges, contestants, dancers, alumna, celebrity fans. RUSSELL WATSON! ALESHA! JAMES! LILIA! OLA! Very excited now.

We are just a few minutes away from announcing the fate of the three semi-finalists, so in the meantime, let's watch the cast of Chicago, along with Ian, Hayley, James, Matthew, Flavia, and Ola, performing All That Jazz. Ian is clearly having the best time ever, and it's so adorable.

Now it is time to find out who will go through to this year's Grand Final. It is the Moment Of Truth. Tess reveals the outcome of tonight's show, and reminds us that the phone lines have closed. She adds that all the votes will be carried over to next week. While we're still digesting that, she declares that all three couples will go through to next week. Brendan looks shellshocked. Everyone does a ring-a-roses and there is much screeching and hugging. [Ha ha, I love how everyone else is hugging, while Brendan just stands there with a grin plastered on his face, clearly thinking, "Hang on a minute..." - Georgi]

But really, this is fucked. Obviously this has happened because there was no way to save Tom from the bottom two and he'd have been out on his protruding arse against either Lisa or Rachel in the dance-off. Where the BBC have fallen down is that this would have been A GOOD THING. Tom is the weaker dancer. And if people are too fucking stupid to have realised that he could never have been saved, they deserve to be robbed blind on the phone voting. Also stupid? The BBC. It was apparent within three seconds of the judges' leaderboard being published that Tom was screwed, leading to much celebration in my house. Did they have no contingency plans? Or are they just really bad at counting?

Oh, whatever. I'm off to rant elsewhere. Very annoyed indeed. Lisa ftw!