Timmy Time (to go home)

Week 4: Top 13 Results - Sunday 19 October

Last night! Everyone was adorable! Nobody danced without error, but a lot of the dances were enjoyable anyway!

We open with a pro-dance to 'Counting Stars' that begins with Ola and Pasha dancing against a door, pretty much recreating Kevin and Joanne’s much-maligned bedroom Spice Girls tango from the other week. Speaking of things that were criticised in the past, Janette’s swinging from the ceiling again although at least this time she doesn’t look like she’s been hanged. She does, however, appear to fall off a rope ladder. Ropey beginnings (ho ho) aside, this Latin mega-mix dance is quite enjoyable – fast, sexy, frenetic and long enough to enjoy, but short enough not to outstay its welcome. The make-up is decidedly odd though, all black squiggles and scrawls.

Daly Dresswatch: white. Badly cut around the bust, cut so low but square it makes her look like her breasts are at her stomach. It was too good to last really. What Winkleman’s Wearing: a badly fitting sparkly blue thing. The judges waft on (except Darcey who sort of struts about) and Tess and Claudia tell us to get excited about Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett coming on, but to worry because Len’s Lens is still a thing. There’s also a joke about Len wearing a meat dress and my mental eyes will never recover.

Recap of last night featuring bonus backstage footage! Of note: Scott accidentally (or "accidentally") walking into someone’s dressing room. But whose? Could we get a Freedom of Information Act request to find out? Scott also seems a bit upset to be the comedy contestant and like he actually does want to be able to dance, despite his natural inability. Mark is "static" overall. I thought that was Judy’s schtick. Kevin calls Frankie "Frankenstein".  I so hope that’s a theme for their Halloween routine. Janette thinks Elvis Presley is the king of Saturday night (and also that Jake is like him). 

First set of results.  Safe are: Thom and Iveta; Sunetra and Brendan; Caroline and Pasha; Simon and Kristina; Judy and Anton. The first couple in the dance off? Mark and Karen. Bruno gets huffy about this, but does this count as a shock bottom two?  I mean, maybe, if Simon and Kristina did, but I judge this as simply the public’s revenge for Donny/Superman (/general lack of public interest in Karen coupled with someone from an ITV2 show who is probably not that familiar to at least a medium-sized proportion of the viewership and, if Simon can’t get a decent enough segment of the vote, Mark was probably never likely to). [Agreed. Looking at the leaderboard this week, I did think Mark might be in trouble. Also, I feel like the judges are playing their chagrin card too early, because surely it can't be that much longer until Frankie/Pixie/Caroline falls into the bottom two and by that point we'll be too outraged out to care. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, Caroline said it was brilliant and unexpected to top the leaderboard and Simon can’t believe that he’s safe. Also: JUDY AND ANTON ARE DOING THE CHARLESTON NEXT WEEK OMG.

Time for our special guest performers, Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga. She is dressed in a tinfoil dress with a curly brunette work that is just this shade of looking like she’s put an afro on and is therefore a bit racist. As it is, it does channel Jewish mother from the 70s so is treading a fine line. They’re singing 'Anything Goes' and her voice goes to shit several times although it seems to be deliberate, so I don’t know what's going on, but then, since she did that thing with R Kelly I’ve kind of not cared about her being on my radar – and I suspect most people gave up on her way before that. [Me too, sadly, although I did go away after this and listen to 'Bad Romance' and have a little cry. - Steve] They then go into a version of 'It Don’t Mean a Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)' which is a bit better although they both seem to be singing off an autocue. And their voices do not blend well together at all. Anyway, who cares about the music when you have Natalie Lowe and Trent (sadly not Ian but we take what we can) doing some lovely super-fast American Smooth style ballroom in front of them, which is much more like it. They finish singing and Gaga introduces Tony Bennett in a British accent for some reason, then he her in a manner that suggests they just met in the dressing room, then she (back in an American accent) implores us to clap for Natalie and Trent, which is a good job, given the whole segment would have been dire without them.

Time for Len’s Lens now oh yay.  Thom is getting better, Steve is great, Craig explains an arabesque and a bird flap, Jake’s knees are awesome, Tim’s wafting is rubbish. Yes, despite Caroline, Pixie and Frankie doing remarkably well (and Judy and Alison probably having huge fanbases), this is still trying to be the YEAR OF THE MAN as barely any women feature. We see the judges gasping at Brendan’s wardrobe malfunction and get a big close up of Sunetra’s manic grin. Heh.

More results. Safe are: Steve and Ola; Jake and Janette; (we get a close-up of Natalie looking SO SAD as she’s worked out the odds of her and Tim being in the bottom two); Pixie and Trent; Frankie and Kevin; Alison and Aljaž and Scott and Joanne, leaving Tim and Natalie in the bottom two and almost certainly leaving, which they were both expecting, and I think so were most of us. I’ll miss them though.

Tess asks what they could do. Darcey says "of course" he can get better as even though not every dance will suit him, he puts his all into every performance. Len is disappointed to see Tim in the bottom two but does some pelvic thrusting in his direction and a "gworn".  Anyone got clarification about whether Tim is secretly a SPORTSMAN? [I bet he plays a mean game of bowls. - Steve]

In the Clauditorium, she reveals Jake is filming Ye Olde EastEnders Christmas FunTime Hour at the moment. Bets on who dies? [Lucy Beale! No, wait... - Steve] We then get the campest VT ever as a promo for It Takes Two, with Robin playing Ian and Zoe’s domestic bitch who needs to get them some crisps and he and Ian trading barbs across the coffee table.

With our bottom two couples, Claudia asks if Mark’s terrified. He says that he isn’t shocked as Simon was in the bottom two last week despite being incredible (really?). Mark says if he goes out it will at least be to one of the nicest men he’s met. Karen says Mark is incredible and so are Tim and Natalie. Claudia asks Tim how much he wants to be back next week and Tim asks how you rate these things, does he need to say what he’d pay? Ever the bargain hunter, hey?  Tess reveals he calls Natalie his rock and Natalie says she wants to cry. Awww.

Mark and Karen dance first and in places it’s better than before, but in other places it’s a total state and his feet come out at some very weird angles and overall it's more of a shambles than first time round, which was also a bit messy.  It just makes me a bit mad because it’s such a good choice of quickstep tune and the dance is still not living up to its music. Tim’s paso is better than before – it’s still quite static and forced, but Natalie is giving it everything and he is trying really hard, although he still struggles with dragging her across the floor. He then beams a lovely "I’ve had a nice time and thank you for having me but thank fuck it’s over" type smile.

Over to the judges! Craig saves Mark and Karen. Darcey does, too. Bruno makes it a hat-trick and they say their goodbyes. The audience give Tim and Natalie lots of cheers and Tim says he’ll miss everyone and it’s been great for a man in his 60s to come on and that he’s fitter and a better person thanks to the programme and to Natalie. Aww. He says he’s going to move to Australia to stalk Natalie and Tess reminds him he learned to dance for his wife. The audience give them a standing ovation and then Tim backs away to give Natalie the limelight. She then flings herself round him in a big hug. And no, that’s just my contact lens irritating my eye, honest. They showboat about to 'Don’t Stop' in the middle of all the others and then they get mobbed. The end credits VTs have everyone saying how much they loved Tim, Mark and Scott being relieved they got through, Judy being excited for the Charleston and Frankie being glad the cha cha is over.

Next week! It doesn’t sound like a Halloween special unless they’re still making their mind up about that. [Nope, Halloween special is the week after. - Steve] Either way, Steve will be here to guide you through it!