Monday, 17 November 2014

Judy Gloom

Week 8: Top Nine Results - 16 November 2014

Last night! BLACKPOOL brought out some fun performances, some dodgy VTs and some inflated scores! (Business as usual, then). Simon and Pixie topped the leaderboard, Judy remained at the bottom, with Sunetra and Steve being the lowest-scored of the alright-and-above pack.

We open with a 1920s-prohibition-themed-costuming-to-70s-disco-soundtrack-because-BLACKPOOL pros-and-extras Charleston-esque dance, which features the celebrities being drunk backstage. Caroline and Judy are ‘acting’ their roles especially well. It makes not a lick of sense and it’s not up to the standards of last year’s Ballroom Blitz, but I still completely love it, mainly because it looks like the best wedding disco ever and it’s full of a lot of energy and fun.

Tess and Zoe enter and do hip bumps. Daly Dresswatch: Blue, Grecian. Ball’s Gown: Black, sparkly.  They’re also both donning Blackpool novelty sunglasses and fake tan. Can you imagine Bruce doing this? We then get a ‘they can’t blame it on the sunshine, they can’t blame it on the moonlight, they can only blame it on their boogie’ joke which just about works. The judges disco on and I am, sort of, warming to disco as a dance theme if that’s what all this is leading to. I mean, rather disco as a distinct genre than disco masquerading as salsa and getting fucking tens not that we’re still bitter about that. Tess and Zoe tell us former winner Harry Judd is here in the ‘home of his victory’ (remember in 2011 when they randomly combined BLACKPOOL week with FINAL week?) to play with McBusted. OK, now I kind of wish Bruce was here, just so he could try and bat them all away with cue cards.

Recap of last night.  Backstage bits of note: all the judges except Bruno stand on the glass floor on top of the tower; hot Greg calling everyone to order; all the judges’ positive comments about Judy and Anton and Sunetra and Brendan getting cut out of the recap; Simon being happy to get the first ‘three 10s’ of the series.

First set of results. Safe are: Caroline and Pasha, Pixie and Trent, Jake and Janette. The first couple in the dance-off? Sunetra and Brendan, which I think we all saw coming, including them. She says it’s OK and a fair comment for her to be there, and it’ll be quite nice to dance twice in BLACKPOOL. Craig says he was hard on her because he believes in her and he wants her to smash it. Except the only person she’d be against where the dance-off would genuinely make a difference is Steve, surely? The judges would save her over Judy and everyone else except Steve over her.

In the Ball pool, Zoe is excited that Jake has a samba next week and tells Pixie that Sophie Ellis-Bextor sang to everyone after BLACKPOOL last year so she’d like a Pixie, Frankie and Simon supergroup please. Pixie is quite up for the idea.

First musical guests of the night are McBusted doing ‘Air Guitar’. Matt Willis is trying to look a bit Billie Joe Armstrong these days, isn’t he? Harry is elevated on a platform to drum with lights all round him and the glitterball resting on his drum kit. I never cared much either way for McFly or Busted but as tired old pop stars who need to give it a rest go, this is much more convincing as a performance than whatever Annie Lennox was doing the other week and the tragedy of the S Club 7 reunion. [I got to see Harry's arms again. That was all I needed from this performance. - Steve]

Tess drags Harry up for a chat and fondles his guns. Harry reminds us of the stage invasion and Bruce getting annoyed. He says SCD makes being in a band really easy and he has a soft spot for Judy. See, I knew she had that cougar thing going on yesterday.

We may be in BLACKPOOL but sadly we still have to endure Len’s Lens. The judges are still trying to make Mark happen. Again. Bruno talks about Judy improving. Enough to stay? We’re about to find out.

Safe are: Simon and Kristina (who thanks his lucky stars Zoe didn’t interview his mum), Frankie and Kevin, Mark and Karen, Steve and Ola (which I wasn’t expecting giving the bitchface she pulled the whole time, or maybe that’s because she wants to go, if those TABLOID RUMOURS have any substance). Judy and Anton are in the bottom two and Judy says she’s just happy to be here. Len’s advice ‘show us what you’ve got’. Both he and Craig have given such helpful hints tonight to the dance-offers.

In the Ball Pit asks if BLACKPOOL gave Steve a boost – he says it sort of did, but also made it more scary. She reminds us Mark is a PROPER PRESENTER and is going out to work in Spain next week but he says he’ll still have time to rehearse. Simon is happy with his three tens and the judges boosting his score so he doesn’t end up in the bottom two confidence.

The next guest is Dame Shirley Bassey singing ‘Goldfinger’ with Brendan and Iveta, Pasha and Janette and Aliona and Trent picking the keys from the bowl and doing sex writhing in front of her, including some very literal choreography where Brendan gives Iveta the kiss of death and she collapses. Also: memo to that person in the Radio Times who said this week that guest performers are better without pro dancers: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Especially when their evidence was Annie Lennox’s dad dancing the other week. [Never believe anything you read in the Radio Times. - Steve, Who Writes For One Of The Other Listings Magazines That Are Available] Although we’d feel less guilty about fast forwarding them if they didn’t have the dancers, I suppose.

Tess and Zoe fangirl about the Bassey and we cut to a trail for ITT with Ian and an angry donkey statue. Not sure where Robin is this week, maybe Lisa Riley wouldn’t let him out.

Judy gets her lines right and says she gets to ‘fly across the floor with the king of ballroom and fly up to the roof… perfect’ as she and Anton get ready to dance. Sunetra says she’ll have to enjoy her dance because they’re in BLACKPOOL. Brendan tells her to fill up the space with her personality and ‘danceability’.

Judy and Anton dance first and she seems more relaxed, perhaps because she doesn’t really care so much this time. It’s better than first time round and if she does leave tonight, she has definitely acquitted herself well and her dancing saw more improvement than, say, Gregg, Jennifer or Scott’s.

Sunetra also benefits from the ‘ah, fuck it’ factor and relaxes into her dance more. It’s still sloppy as all hell in terms of precision but the drunk woman dances with lothario barman works even better second time round and the sloppiness kind of works with the character of the dance. She also keeps up with the pace better than before. [Although she does blatantly trip over at one point and would've gone flat on her face if Brendan hadn't been there to catch her. - Steve]

Craig and Darcey save Sunetra and Brendan. Bruno says both couples were entertaining but he’s saving Sunetra and Brendan. Len would also have saved Sunetra and Brendan but thought Judy and Anton gave a great performance. Judy thanks Anton for being an incredible teacher and having a great sense of humour. Anton says he’s been thrilled with how Judy’s experience has been and praises her humour, spirit and personality. She looks like she’s going to cry, bless her. They exit to ‘Save the Last Dance for Me’ with a very undignified knicker-showing leap from Judy and a patented Anton chuck your partner at the floor move. Caroline, Frankie and Sunetra all talk about how close they were to Judy and Simon says he’ll miss her smile and her shortbreads. Steve enthuses about BLACKPOOL and Jake promises his hips will be back next week.

Steve will see you through it all (and offer you protection, a lot of love and direction) then!


F a t i m a said...

It's clear that these Strictly scores were Blackpool-assisted, in the same way that sprinters clock extra-fast times at high-altitude venues such as Mexico City.
Now Judy has been expelled, the judges know they don't need to inflate the scores of others who might have needed up in the bottom two. Whichever man has the worse Rumba will go next week.

Rad said...

I think there's a high chance someone whose name begins with S will leave, and an outside chance of it being Mark.

But Rumba IS HARD FOR MEN (like every other sodding dance this year) and they're likely to compensate for that this series (except for Steve maybe)

F a t i m a said...

Yes I agree with that prediction. Also Steve is due a death slot. I can see Len plumping for Sunetra over Steve in a tie-break. For the second year in a row, the muscleman finishes 8th.