Melvin Odoomed

Week 2: Results Show - 2 October 2016

Welcome back! Last night! Everybody that had ever been born in human history danced about and most of them were a bit underwhelming and sloppy to be honest! Tonight! Someone leaves!

We open with a pro dance featuring Gorka seranading Oksana with what sounds like the riff from 'Something Stupid' played in a sort of Mexican style? I think? Then there's some 'erotic' contemporary dancing to 'Pillowtalk' which involves them both in white simulating the pure sexual love of a couple on their wedding night (maybe?) with everyone else wearing a bunch of leftover Argentine Tango ho-bag and scoundrel outfits and being raunchy around them in a vaguely AT way. [They're meant to be Romeo and Juliet, but I appreciate this was probably a lot more obvious if you saw the behind-the-scenes stuff on It Takes Two earlier in the week. - Steve] At one point it involves the women slapping the men's faces (or Chloe slapping AJ's at any rate, which might have just been them, you know how these teenagers get) which is a bit CALL OFCOM. Then everyone tries to drag Gorka and Oksana apart and she has a bit of a dance affair with Brendan, then she gets back with Gorka and he throws her in the air and she somersaults and lands in Brendan's arms all OLYMPIC GYMNASTS WHAT NOW? It's so amazing I had to rewatch it immediately.

Tess and Claudia welcome us back. Daly Dresswatch: a deep blue/purple thing that cuts very uncomfortably into one of her breasts. What Winkleman's Wearing: a similar coloured doily. With lighter blue fringing at the bottom that looks like raffia. They've looked better, put it that way.

We get a recap of last night, and, as always, we don't recap the recap except when there are new and novel insights to be had, such as Laura wandering around with two grips hanging limply in the middle of her hair, Danny wearing an ugly cap and Melvin getting his chest out in a last minute attempt to get someone to vote for him. Also: Anastacia is broken. This may become relevant. I also missed a Bruno comment last night that 'it's good to see the funny side of Balls', so let's note that. And the recap goes on nearly as long as the performance show itself, because apparently they've suddenly found themselves with an extra 10 minutes of airtime to fill, I wonder why that could be.

Anyway, time for our first set of results. Safe are: Tameka and Gorka, Greg and Natalie, Louise and Kevin, Daisy and Aljaž, Will and Karen, Lesley and Anton. The first couple in the dance-off? Anastacia and Brendan. And I thought I knew the audience of this show, but turns out, notsomuch. I blame this on Brexit Britain suddenly turning on the FORRINS. [I did think the gays in the audience might come out for Anastacia, but I guess the underwhelming salsa - and the fact that the show didn't really explain WHY it was so underwhelming - undid her. I can't help thinking they could've avoided so much of this mess by just being upfront about the nature of her injury in the first place. - Steve] Tess asks Anastacia how she's feeling. She says she'll do it but she's scared she'll hurt herself. Craig says to focus on the wiggle in her hips and use her face, but not worry about things like the underarm turns. Darcey says her natural performance will sell it.

In the Clauditorium, Lesley gushes that they were all nervous wrecks but she's thrilled to be through. Tameka is doing a tango next week and says Gorka is going to be Vin Diesel in it. I can't tell if she's joking or not. Greg says he's relieved he won't have to do the tango ever again. Claudia then drops the BOMBSHELL that explains the Vin Diesel reference. Next week is a THEME WEEK O YAY. Movie week is coming for you, Steve! Oh and Daisy'll be doing Mary Poppins and Louise and Will will also be there thank you Louise and Will for that insight.

Time for a special guest performance from Barry Gibb who looks just like Maurice these days. Dancing this week are Janette and whom I thought was Gorka but apparently is a newly-clean shaven Giovanni (or a previously clean-shaven, depending if this was live or a pre-record), still utilising Argentine Tango style outfits - or maybe tango ones (guess wardrobe must have had a lot of black cloth lying around) writhe around in front a bit and there's a part where he spins her around very fast that makes the Viennese Waltz look like it's for pussies.

Time for Len's Lens and we're talking illegal lifts. Claudia suggests Daisy's 'lift' was a turn. Len says she couldn't have done it without assistance and both feet left the floor, so it was a lift and he was setting the bar. Eventually. We didn't see Claudia and AJ or Laura and Giovanni's lift [or Will and Karen's - Steve], so the legality of those goes unchecked. We see Danny skipping a bit and Claudia leaning too far for Craig and the other judges disagreeing because it's HARD FOR A CELEBRITY TO LEAN now apparently. Also, Tameka whooped a bit. Must do better, Len's Lens.

Time for the next set of results. Safe are: Judge Rinder and Oksana, Danny and Oti, Laura and Giovanni, Claudia and AJ, Ore and Joanne, Ed and Katya, Naga and Pasha, leaving obvious first boot Melvin in the dance-off. Obviously.

Len lies that he's surprised Melvin's in the dance-off.  Bruno told him to be more precise rather than overdoing things, which I suspect is easier said than done.

In the Clauditorium, Judge Rinder is gushing, Naga does the usual 'our friends are going to die' spiel, Ore thanks people for voting and Claudia told Danny he must not have been nervous because he'd know he was safe and he said nothing had prepared him for the music and Tess. I'm sure.

And because this show might possibly need more filler, a trailer for next week where we see all the contestants doing their best X Factor makeover poses.

We return for an important announcement. Anastacia and Brendan can't perform because of injury, and they have to turn to the Strictly rules, which state there can be no dance-off. However, because they've still had to create a 40 minute show out of effectively nothing at all happening, they're kicking someone out anyway and going to the public vote rather than the judges for the decision. The public send home Melvin and Janette

Now, I saw this result via the medium of internet headlines and I thought from the sounds of things 'ANASTACIA REFUSES TO DO DANCE-OFF' etc, that she'd thrown a full-on diva strop. But then I read the real reason and really did not get the hysteria. The whole thing seems obvious and fair enough to me. And LOL at the British public being all JUSTICE4MELVIN despite a) no-one knowing or caring who he was, certainly not enough to vote for him; b) him going out on public vote, which you'd think was less WUZROBBED than going out on judges' whims; c) they'd probably have kept Anastacia in the dance-off anyway unless she was so injured they gave her a mercy killing; d) you're basically saying cancer scars mean fuck-all, which... [Yep, co-signing all of this. I feel bad for Melvin to go out this way, but I think they did this the fairest way they could have done under the circumstances. Although guess what? If we didn't have the Stupid Pointless Unfair Dance Off in the first place, this would never have even happened. JUSTICE4JAMELIA. - Steve]

They dance out to 'Yesterday', of all the cheery songs, and Janette just subverts it by getting him to do all the cheesiest pop-dance moves that exist rather than any more boring waltzes, they had enough of that "last night" thanks.

Everyone VTs about how it's sad that Melvin's gone but they're happy to be doing movie week. Except Naga, who lets Pasha do all the talking while she still looks vaguely traumatised. I kind of hope she doesn't make it to Halloween week, for her sake, going on what they usually do to Pasha and his partners... Anyway, next week, it's movie week, so join Steve for things-that-probably-have-a-loose-connection-to-a-film week ("It was in Gummo!" /wrongshow).  And we will get quicker with our recaps as we go on, promise!! Thanks for your patience with us. [Yes, thank you! We do really appreciate your patience over the last fortnight and - barring any unforeseen events - the Movie Week recaps should be going up Sunday/Monday. - Steve]