Dooley scrumptious

Week 13: The Final - 15 December 2018

Top of my list of requests for Louise Rainbow's successor? No more 150-minute finals. It's too long. We need a break, they need a break, everybody needs a goddamn break. (Also on the list: reveal who finishes second, third and fourth, chuck Couple's Choice in the bin forever, bring back Trent, give Johannes a partner, world peace, no more hunger, a signed Gorka calendar.)

Anyway, we open with some mean 'n' moody shots of the empty studio soundtracked by a cover of 'In The Air Tonight', which lead to the finalists' first interviews from way back in August being played on the screen at the back of the stage. Stacey was very ready for Strictly, Joe said it was very different from anything he was used to, Faye felt a little bit sick, and Ashley was very excited to dive in and learn some ballroom. Now they're the last four standing, and after a portentous shot of the trophy, and the music changing to something that the internet tells me is 'Live Like Legends' by Ruelle, Faye voices over that it's been a phenomenal journey, we see everything getting plugged in and switched on ready for the show (I'm assuming one of the cords was for charging the Tessbot), Faye says that reaching the end is "just off the scale" [of sanity, presumably, given Faye's personality - Rad], Ashley is ready to bring her heart and her energy, Joe never thought he'd make it to the final (you never check your subscriber numbers, hon?), Stacey says that all she can do now is go out and give it her all. They're ready! Are you ready? This is the final of Strictly Come Dancing 2018!

Re-edited titles to put the four finalists at the end! I only noticed this week that Seann and Katya are flossing in the background of theirs, how very 2018.

We open with a big pro disco number around a couple of Amazon Echo Dots underneath a giant mirrorball to 'This Is It' by Melba Moore (or, more likely for this show's demographic, by Dannii Minogue). There are four giant cubes suspended above the floor, and tradition dictates that this is where the finalists are hiding right now. Each of the four finalist pros gets a solo spot (with Giovanni being the only one who forgets to look into the camera), and then Ashley's, Faye's, Joe's and Stacey's faces appear on the aforementioned cubes, which rotate and drop down to reveal our finalists in their best disco gear. (I mean clothes, not the kind of disco gear we usually assume Bruno is on.) The music segues into 'Don't Leave Me This Way', the finalists join their pros for a bit of a shimmy, confetti explodes everywhere, you know the drill.

Tess and Claudia arrive: Tess in yet another asymmetric white dress (but a good one, hooray!) and Claudia in a sequinned navy blue trouser suit. In the audience: Mary Berry, who's clearly a superior person to be able to sit down for 150 minutes uninterrupted at the age of 83. Also, several rows behind her, I'm pretty sure I can see Sir Lenny Henry. You'd think they could have put him a bit nearer the front, wouldn't you? Tess welcomes us to the final, Claudia thanks our pros and finalists for an incredible opening number. As well as 12 competitive dances tonight, there's music from Michael Bublé and an encore from all of the 2018 contestants. The judges are summoned: Craig (in a black tuxedo), Darcey (in purple), Bruno (in a black suit), Shirley (in what's basically a wedding dress, maybe she's marrying Darcey at the afterparty). Claudia reminds us that the judges' scores are just for guidance (except Bruno's, who will be giving nothing but 10s all night and is therefore neither use nor ornament), and we welcome our Strictly stars for the final time: Faye and Giovanni, Stacey and Kevin, Joe and Dianne, and Ashley and Pasha. Final high-kick watch: just Stacey and Kevin, with Kevin even pointing out which camera Stacey should be looking down, though she appears to be taking no notice. Claudia points out Joe's red dye-job, since he kept his word and...it actually kind of suits him? It was very red earlier in the week but now that the colour's settled, it's a good look.

Tess and Claudia run through the schedule for the night: the judges' pick, the lines open, the showdances (which we've apparently been looking forward to all series, even though Couple's Choice is essentially the same thing?), and then the couples' own favourite routine of the series.

Opening the final are Ashley and Pasha. We can tell from the costumes that they're dancing their Movie Week Dirty Dancing salsa, and I'm guessing the judges figured that even though they can't get anyone to vote for Ashley, they might be able to get people to vote for Dirty Dancing? [Boo, bring back her foxtrot. - Rad] It's worth a try, I suppose. In her VT, Ashley says that having two dances last week was a challenge, and even though they were at the (joint) top of the leaderboard, you never know if you're safe. Despite (because of?) a third successive dance-off, they made it to the final and they're just happy to be here, ma'am. They meet in the judges' disco to find out what they'll be doing for their opening routine, and Craig tells them that this routine has been chosen because there is room for improvement and he knows it could be worth 40. The lights dim, and the giant telly reads "SALSA". Darcey advises them to tighten up all of the smaller details because the overall package is already lovely. Pasha goes "Baby and Johnny, back in town!" in his best American leading man voice, bless him. Their plan is to make it less stiff, give it more hips and fluidity, and in Ashley's words, "give 'em a smasher". Isn't that what Gavin Henson did to Bruno?

So yes, they're dancing to '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life)' and it's definitely a crowdpleaser as far as the studio audience is concerned. And yes, I know, Ashley is a megaringer and was overqualified for this competition from the get-go, but it's definitely better the second time around - I think as much as anything because they've gelled as a couple more in the interim and you can really feel the interplay between them. Also Ashley nails the lift this time after being a bit on the wobbly side last time she did it. Her dismounts are a lot smoother too. After it finishes, Melody Thornton is teary-eyed in the audience.

Ashley exclaims to Tess that this was the best they've ever done the lift, and Tess welcomes our for-one-night-only five-piece singing sensation of Lance, Hayley, Jamie, Andrea and Tommy, and of course Dave Arch and his "best band in the business". Shirley says that she didn't think it could get any better (that's not what you were saying in the disco room, Shirl) but Ashley took it to another level. She thought every move Ashley took could be felt by everyone watching. Looking on proudly from the audience: Kimberly Wyatt. Bruno whirls around, Shirley ducks, and says it proves the first time around was not a fluke, and he thanks her for bringing so much love and passion for dance to the dancefloor. Craig congratulates her for taking all the notes on board and making that dance ah-may-zing. Darcey applauds Ashley for nailing the lift and for her fearless determination.

In the Clauditorium, everyone's singing the chorus, and Ashley is so pleased to have "her family" back in the room. Ashley says she had so much fun out there, and she loves dancing with Pasha. Pasha says they were expecting the judges to pick another dance, but they were "chuffed" it was salsa. Oh, he's picking up some Britishisms! Scores: four 10s for a perfect 40. Everyone chants "undermarked!", which I'm sure will endear Ashley to the voting audience to no end. Ashley teases that her showdance will be "empowering".

In what would be the death slot (but isn't, because it's generally a good idea to be on as early as possible in the final), we have Stacey and Kevin. Stacey says that she had a great night in the semis, and Kevin says he "lost control" when he heard they were through to the final. Yeah, we saw, hon. They head to the Judges' Disco, where it's revealed that they've got the foxtrot. Stacey's pleased with this choice, and says that she thinks she can improve on the frame "because clearly now I'm an expert". Heh. Craig advises them to reduce the gapping and "just get a little bit more technical". Helpful! Bruno tells her she's got all the tools. In rehearsals, Stacey says she hopes her frame will be stronger and she'll be stuck to Kevin's right hip like glue - and she just wants it to be a massive party.

So yes, this is the one where their motorbike and sidecar broke down on the way to Grimsby [And I got grumpy because it's actually Great Grimsby and that's one of the things they should have improved and still haven't, so 1/10 - Rad], and it was another one of Kevin's mod ballroom efforts, which I'm not the biggest fan of (see also: Kellie Bright's tango). Again, you can see the improvement in her frame and the reduction in gapping, although I'd like her to drop her right elbow down just a smidge, if I'm being really picky. Also, I'm hardly the world's biggest foxtrot fan, but how much actual foxtrot even is there in this routine? Someone get Joanne Clifton and her stopwatch!

Stacey tells Tess that the first time they did this, it was Kevin's birthday and he was 36. Heh. Bruno tells Stacey that she has this ability to bring all of her characters to life within a dance, and her technique has improved enormously. Craig says he can tell she's really been working on the frame, and he thought it was absolutely gorgeous. Darcey says she had really strength in her topline and her core, but she also brought a lovely natural charm and elegance. "You know me, it oozes out!" replies Stacey. Shirley says that Stacey's had low scores, high scores and middle scores throughout the series (really just the one low score, but since she does have the lowest individual score of any of the finalists by a clear six-point margin, I'll let it go), but she's stayed glued to Kevin's right side throughout and her musicality was second-to-none.

Kevin roars "I'm so proud of you!" as they run up the stairs to the Clauditorium, and Stacey says she was absolutely determined not to lose her frame in that. She says that she loves ballroom, which was really unexpected - she thought she would love latin and struggle in the ballroom, and it's been completely the opposite. Kevin says that Stacey brings a natural heart to her dancing, and he loves dancing with her. Scores: Craig 9 (boos), Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39, a six-point improvement on last time. Stacey tells Claudia she was worried how embarrassing it would be if she got less than last time, and if that had happened she wouldn't have bothered coming back for the showdance, she would just have been in the car park. Stacey says that their showdance will be telling their Strictly story.

Our third dance this evening comes from Faye and Giovanni, with their Viennese waltz from week two. Faye is overjoyed to be able to call herself a finalist, and I wonder if - as a superfan - that as really her goal coming into the competition, knowing that she was too ringery to actually win. Hell, she got here without ever having to do a dance-off (thanks in some part, I suspect, to her giant Ashley Roberts-shaped shield), which is more than I ever dared to hope for. In the Judges' Disco, they learn that Darcey is looking for a stronger topline, and Bruno wants her to marry acting with technique. Shirley is hoping for some of the best footwork they've ever seen on the show. In training, Faye says she hopes her nerves don't get the best of her.

They're dancing to 'It's A Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's Man's World', and like Ashley, the improvement may be less obvious because this was very accomplished the first time out anyway, but it's definitely there - as much as anything, she seems less nervous this time which makes her acting a lot stronger, and again, like with Ashley, she has the benefit of a much more established working partnership with Giovanni to help her really throw herself into it.

Craig says that he "rather enjoyed that", even more than the first time he saw it, and Faye has come so far in this competition. Darcey calls her the best ballroom dancer in the competition, and she loved the drama and the emotion and that superb fleckerl that they finished with. Shirley says she loves it, and then puts her glasses on to read out a quote from week two: "Don't listen to Shirley about technique so early in the competition, it will come later, I disagree with her." Heh. She says that she really feels like Faye did listen to her, and worked on the technique, and she was amazing as a result. Bruno, to whom that comment was directed, tells her she's right and he really agrees with her. Heh. Bruno says that Faye never fails and always delivers, and he doesn't think he's seen her make a mistake at any point, and he's never seen such a sensual Viennese waltz.

In the Clauditorium, Faye says that tonight feels like a big celebration - she's come so far, she's happy to be here, and it feels good. Giovanni says he's proud of Faye for working so hard to take the judges' comments on board. Scores: four 10s, a perfect 40. Giovanni calls her "ballroom queen", and Faye giggles with delirious excitement. Claudia asks them what their showdance will be like, and Faye says it epitomises everything showbiz and what she loves about it. Fair enough.

Bringing round one to a close now, it's Joe and Dianne. Tess fills us in on the evening's narrative by pointing out that Craig has never scored Joe higher than an eight all series. Joe was shocked to get voted through last week, and he can't believe he's a finalist. In the final trip to the Judges' Nightclub, they learn that they've got the paso doble to reprise. Darcey wants him to work on his free arm, Shirley wants him to stroke the floor with his toe and be more stealthy with his feet. Craig just advises him to "crank it up". In rehearsals, Joe takes this all on board, and remembers that the first time he did this routine on a live show, he got up on the wrong foot after his knee slide, and says that he's had nightmares about that since.

I'm not sure this dance is ever going to really suit Joe because he's just so skinny and gangly, which isn't really the right built for a paso, but he has definitely worked on some of his weaker areas from last time, his frame looks stronger in hold, he gets up from the knee slide on the correct foot, and he's a bit more in control of his free arm. The only downside is he does slightly scramble for the final slide of Dianne through his legs, as he doesn't seem to grab her hand properly the first time.

Afterwards, he tells Tess he's chuffed to have got up from the knee slide correctly, and Darcey says the difference is outstanding - his command of the dance is impressive, and he was shaping his arms much more cleanly. She really felt he owned this dance. Shirley said that she saw him giving a little grin when he didn't mess up his knee walks, and she loved his elevation on his toes and his oval shape through the body. She thinks that having started as a beginner and delivering that performance 13 weeks later is extraordinary. Bruno says it's not just Joe's hair that's red hot - the paso was "incandescent", and he loved that Joe really gave him the matador stance: "Olé, Joe-ay!" Oh dear. Craig says he thought the shaping was a little bit forced, but he loves Joe's commitment to the whole process all series long, and it has been wonderful to watch.

In the Clauditorium, Joe says he thinks that's the first time he's smiled in a dance in a long time, even though you're not supposed to smile in the paso, and that Strictly has been the best experience of his life. Even more than Ultimate Roommate Revenge Prank? Wow. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 ("stretched enough for you, Craig?" - which, ewww) for a total of 39. Dianne says that since they said "no rules" for the showdance, she just went for it. Blimey.

Round 1 scoreboard:

1=. Ashley & Pasha - 40
1=. Faye & Giovanni - 40
3=. Stacey & Kevin - 39
3=. Joe & Dianne - 39

Almost as if there's some kind of narrative of ringers versus novices being played out, isn't it?

It cuts back to the Clauditorium and both Katie and Vick have got roadworks-style "GO" signs in front of them until they realise that no one else has, and then quickly try to hide them. Reading the final terms and conditions of the series, it's the one and only Alan Carr! He gets a little overexcited throwing some shapes and accidentally whacks Claudia on the head in the process. He also gets the honour of declaring the vote open, and Vick and Katie are almost obscured from view at this point, so maybe that's why they decided to get in early? [So, Alan Carr is OK and all, but if they had both Mary Berry and Lenny Henry in, why wouldn't they use one of them? - Rad]

After a quick recap of the round one dances for ease of voting, it's showdance time! Alarming joke corner: Claudia tells Tess she's exhausted because this afternoon she spent two hours in the band pit huffing and puffing away, working up a sweat. "Oh, is Dave Arch teaching you how to play the trumpet?" asks Tess. Sure, let's go with that, replies Claudia. Poor Dave Arch. #himtoo

Ashley reveals in their VT that their showdance is to 'Keeping Your Head Up' by Birdy, and Pasha says that they're planning a real showstopper with lots of lots of lifts and flying around. Ashley: "Tricks take a second to kind of feel how it all works together and flow nicely." Yes, that was my experience in my 20s, for sure. They've got a revolving stage in theirs, just to really show what they can do. Ashley giggles that she has faith it will all come together, because she has to. Tess and Claudia come in for their obligatory sneaky preview of the rehearsal, and Tess says that it gives her goosepimples all over. Ashley tells them that if they're not in the right place at the right time... it could all go to shit basically. Oh, and she says "empowered" again.

Ashley descends from the heavens on those long acrobatic tissues, untangles herself and embarks upon a strongly contempowaft showdance, which is pretty much what I expected. The addition of the revolving dais is a nice touch to make sure it's a challenging routine even for a super-ringer, but in terms of showcasing her abilities, I'm not entirely sure I'm seeing much in here that I didn't see in her Couple's Choice routine, which was kind of my problem with Couple's Choice as an addition for most of the series. It's a good performance, but I can't imagine it converting any floating voters to the Ashley Roberts cause.

Tess tells Ashley that she doesn't do things by halves, and Ashley says that she feels like she's 15 and a cheerleader again. Shirley tells her that out of respect she's going to stand up for her comments (lol), and that Ashley is the epitome of extraordinary - she's stretched herself beyond limits and learned techniques that she wasn't familiar with before. Shirley says she's grateful to Ashley. Poor Ashley has got lipstick on her teeth. Bruno says that the athleticism required for that dance is incredible, and Ashley managed to put storytelling and artistry into it too. He thinks she takes risks and succeeded beautifully. Craig snarks that he "had a small problem with your right toe" (does she only have the one?) but then he got over himself. Darcey says it was showcasing all of Ashley's strengths, and she didn't miss a beat or a move.

As they sprint up to the Clauditorium, Pasha quietly points out the lipstick on Ashley's teeth, which Claudia then gets rid of for her: "that showdance was so good, I'd lick it off". Heh. Claudia tells Ashley that she made Janette and Seann cry. Ashley thanks Lukas McFarlane for his amazing choreography, and says that they have had a rollercoaster ride (drink!) but they're here and they just wanted to be powerful. Scores: another perfect 40. Time for the reveal of their final dance: Ashley says they've gone for a really glamorous one - the charleston, because she wants to end on a fun, goofy note. And also not to do any of the ballroom she was so excited to learn at any point in the final, apparently. Can't believe Ashley has decided that our final glimpse of Pasha in this series will be painted green and sporting a fake belly: I am officially fine with her never having had a chance of winning after that.

Stacey and Kevin are next. Kevin says their showdance is something that's never really been attempted live before, and it's going to tell the story of them preparing for the final - with a bit of jive, a bit in ballroom hold, and a bit of commercial, "so there's a lot thrown at it". Literally, I think. Stacey is excited that they can really go for it, and thinks that you might as well take a risk in the final. Kevin says there is a 20-30 second bit at the beginning where he can't see Stacey and therefore cannot help her. He adds that the sets will be constantly moving, so if the sets move at the wrong time, it's all going to fall apart. Yes, but that's not really your fault, is it? Tess 'n' Claud come to watch and grin their way through it. The props team appear to be moving even faster than Stacey and Kevin are.

They're dancing to 'Land Of 1000 Dances', and it gets off to a worrying start when Stacey's robe gets caught on her chair and she drags it behind her when she gets up, but she manages to untangle herself. As a piece of stagecraft it's quite impresssive for all the moving parts, as an actual showdance...it's a mess, sorry. It is Kevin Clifton writ large: too much flailing and running around, not enough actual content beneath it all. I'm sure it was very fun to do, but it's not terribly exciting to watch - although Stacey flipping over Kevin's head twice in quick succession at the end is pretty cool. But yeah, not a fan of this one, I'm afraid. [It was a fucking shambles - Rad]

Anton's on his feet in the Clauditorium, presumably pleased that he's no longer responsible for the most calamitous showdance in recent memory. Bruno flips his tie up in excitement, and declares it a medley of "Stacey's greatest tits". Heeheeheeeheehee. I love that Kevin's response to this is to cover Stacey's ears, like a woman who has made documentaries in war zones is too delicate to hear a dirty word for boobies. Bruno tries to drag the whole thing back onto the tracks, but it's too late: everyone's in hysterics. (Particularly Dr Ranj up in the Clauditorium, bless him.) Craig, unsurprisingly, was not keen: it may have been a crowdpleaser, but it wasn't a Craig-pleaser, that's for sure. He found it too bitty, and there was a lot of running around to get to a place and shaking it. Kevin pulls a face compliant with this idea that Craig has it in for him somehow, and says "running around, is it?" Darcey says it was a great mash-up of "your iconic moves", particularly when they were Minions - except because she's Darcey Bussell, she pronounces it "mignonnes". I die. Shirley says it was power-packed, and Kevin has enough energy for the whole room ("not right now!" Kevin replies) and he didn't give Stacey anything he didn't think she could cope with. Shade?

Claudia decides to pick up the one positive thing that Craig said ("crowdpleaser"), and Stacey says she was worried about not being able to see Kev, and then her robe got caught on the chair. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno ("it was a great hit") 10 for a total of 35. Kevin says he expects that from Craig in every final he's been in. You got two perfect scores in the final with Kellie Bright, sweetheart, don't pull that shit. Stacey says you can't win 'em all. They've chosen the "paso Dooley" for their final dance.

Faye and Giovanni next, with their showdance to 'Lullaby Of Broadway'. Faye says she's a big fan of Fred and Giiiiiinge, so she really wanted to have a bit of "old-time fabulousness" in there. They've got elements of quickstep and theatre-jazz in there, and she's worried about having to roll off the top of a platform that's basically taller than she is. Tess and Claudia come to watch, and Claudia's impressed with how glamorous their routine is - Tess points out how clear it is that Faye loves this routine. Giovanni tells them that they are living the dream, and he wants everyone at home to live the dream with them.

It begins with Faye dancing on a giant top hat, before being joined by Giovanni, who then steps down and Faye rolls off elegantly into his arms. The whole routine is quintessential Faye - classic, elegant, slightly hammy, and just exuding the joy of dahhhhnce throughout. There's one real showstopper of a section where Faye and Giovanni dance in alternate spotlights, and it all ends in a shower of sparks as Faye runs back up onto the hat and poses with a little bowler hat of her own. I'm genuinely floored by this routine - not only was it huge fun to watch, but it's one of the rare occasions where someone claimed that their showdance was going to be a representation of all of the styles they love and are good at and then actually delivered. It's almost like nobody told them the showdance is supposed to be a pretentious trainwreck or something. Best showdance since Alesha's? I think it might just be. [Best of the night by miles and actually made me wonder if Faye could have a last minute surge to take the title - Rad]

Faye's clearly overjoyed with how that turned out, and Craig declares it "fab-yoo-lous". Darcey says she loves a classic, and that was clean with crisp accents and stylish lines, much like Darcey herself. And it never felt forced, which is slightly less like Darcey herself. Shirley felt that Faye brought Broadway to Strictly, it was synchronised to a T, and the choreography was outstanding. Bruno finishes by screaming "hooray for Faye" and nearly decapitating Shirley in the process. He says that she embodied all the Hollywood dancing goddesses: Fred Astaire (erm?), Ginger Rogers and Ann Miller.

They soft-shoe up to the Clauditorium, where Claudia reveals that Chucky Venice thought they were amazing. Faye says that this showdance for her was what Strictly was all about: beauty, glitz and glamour, and she's so happy and proud to be here and she really enjoyed herself. Giovanni says that they really showed the best part of Faye with that performance. Scores: all the tens for another perfect 40. They have chosen their Couple's Choice theatre/jazz routine for their final routine. Ooh!

One last showdance to go, from Joe and Dianne. They're dancing to 'I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor' by Arctic Monkeys, and Dianne promises it will be a rock and/or roll showdance. They've got quickstep in there, jive, lindyhop and even some elements of street. Diane tells us it will be epic: there's height, lifts, speed, and Joe adds it will be a real celebration, with a lot that could go wrong. She wants this to be the most amazing dance, and one that Joe will remember for the rest of his life. Tess and Claudia come to watch their final studio rehearsal and Tess declares the routine to be full of content. Joe says it's full-on, but that's what it takes.

Okay, here we go: they're dressed a little bit like Riff-Raff and Magenta in an illicit am-dram Rocky Horror Show, and it opens with Joe playing Dianne's leg like a guitar. Can we not? They're dancing on top of giant amps, one of which conceals a trampette that Joe is leaping up and down on. [A++ for the set design for all four showdances tonight - Rad] It definitely delivers rock 'n' roll and danger, that's for sure. The quickstep parts are a little bit scrappy, but that's so far from the point of this routine that it doesn't really matter - it's just all about wild abandon and making a lasting impression. I'm not sure Joe keeps up with it all the way through, but in terms of sheer spectacle (including the bit where he leaps through the front of one of the amps), I think this one absolutely achieves what they set out to do with it. And anyone who trampettes 6ft up in the air gets my admiration. Although it ending with Joe smashing a guitar might mean that he has well and truly forfeited the "nice young man" vote. [It wasn't very strong from a technical point of view but I really enjoyed it - Rad]

Tess tells him he "literally smashed that", and Joe immediately reaches to regain the nan vote by apologising to whoever owned that guitar and promising to buy them another. Darcey says "the wild beast has been let loose on this dancefloor" (lol) and she thought he was going to lose control, but he kept it all together. Shirley thinks Darcey said it all, and that she's turned into a "head-banging, body-banging, guitar-smashing person" even though she doesn't normally like that kind of music. Blimey. She thinks Joe didn't miss a beat. Bruno wants to know why Joe didn't show off his bad boy side before, and says that he definitely rocked everyone there. Craig really enjoyed it - it had the quirk of a charleston.

They run up to a Clauditorium that is busy doing boom-boom-clap, and Joe tells Claudia that this feels amazing - he doesn't know where this energy has come from, but it's brilliant. He says that the trampoline was nerve-wracking, and he didn't test it before, so it was going to be a surprise for the audience one way or another. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. And their favourite routine will also be a charleston. Good luck inviting direct comparison to Ashley, I guess? Joe says he picked this because he wants to show how much he improved from so long ago.

Round two leaderboard:

1=. Ashley & Pasha - 40 + 40 = 80
1=. Faye & Giovanni - 40 + 40 = 80
3. Joe & Dianne - 39 + 39 = 78
4. Stacey & Kevin - 39 + 36 = 75

So Joe inches ahead of Stacey, not that it makes any difference since the judges' scores don't actually count for anything tonight. And if anyone's interested in my personal showdance ranking of the evening, I would say Faye > Joe > Ashley > Stacey. [That's the exact same order I had - high five! - Rad]

Final round! We can do this! Only an hour to go! [You're a hero - Rad] We begin with Ashley's Strictly story: she and Pasha have had an amazing bond and partnership, Pasha has enjoyed being her friend, the contemporary piece was a particularly magical moment and Ashley will hold it dear to her heart forever, finding out you're in the dance-off is not fun, but Ashley's amazing mom and friends have been by her side throughout. Kimberly Wyatt is "beyond proud" of Ashley, and Peggy Roberts has watched her blossom into an amazing ballroom dancer (not that we're going to see any of that tonight). Ashley says that the charleston was one of her favourite routines because she got to show her silly side. The whole experience has been a rollercoaster, but it was totally worth it.

So yes, they're doing this charleston again, and make-up clearly had a bit of a struggle getting Pasha sufficiently green in time, but they did their best. I'll be honest: I was not a fan of this routine the first time around because it was too silly and gimmicky for my tastes (not to mention what they did to poor lovely Pasha), and I don't like it any more the second time. I can see why she wanted to do it, but it's still not really to my taste, as well-danced as it may be.

Shirley says it was one of her favourite dances and Ashley is a beautiful troll. She hopes that Ashley has enjoyed her experience whatever the outcome (lol), and she has wowed them all from the top to the bottom. Bruno calls it "a feast for the senses" (maybe one of those Roman feasts where everyone ran out to vomit afterwards?) and he loves that Ashley keeps raising the bar every time she comes out. Craig is happy she chose this dance because it's full of character, and he loved seeing Pasha's little belly - he wishes he could dance like Ashley. Darcey finishes by saying this shows what a versatile dancer Ashley is (one who has not done any of the traditional ballroom and latin 10 dances tonight, sorry to keep harping on but I'm just saying), and she wants Ashley to tell her that she'll never stop dancing. Well, she never stopped before the competition, so why stop now?

Claudia tells Ashley that everyone's delighted she chose this routine, and Ashley says they really wanted to go out on a high note and celebrate, so that's what they did. She turns to Pasha, who says "rub mah belleh?" Heee. Ashley declares Pasha "such a good human, a gem, my Miyagi". Scores: one last perfect score, because why not? Claudia says "Tess is going to announce the winner" and I'm like "what, already?" but then she adds "...pretty soon", and asks Ashley what it would mean to her if she said Ashley's name. Ashley says it would be a cherry on the top of this amazing adventure, and she's loved every piece of it, so she feels like she's won whatever happens. Just as well, really.

Stacey and Kevin are next with their paso Dooley. Their Strictly story VT shows Stacey saying that she underestimated how much she would love this, and Kevin says she's become a really, really good dancer. They chose the paso because it was "just magic", and Kevin thinks Stacey smashed it out of the park. Di says that it's amazing to see how Stacey has blossomed, and Stacey's boyfriend Sam tells her she's got this. Stacey says that Kevin has been an amazing influence, and there's nothing that she doesn't rate about him. Kevin says he doesn't want this series to end, because he doesn't want to stop dancing with Stacey. Stacey says it's no coincidence that Kevin has made the final as many times as he has. Because he keeps getting ringers? Oh, apparently it's because he makes his partners "feel like [they] can do this". Kevin says that the fact that Stacey has got so much enjoyment out of this means everything to him, and Stacey says there's so much mutual respect between them that it will be odd when they're not hanging out all the time, but "all good things come to an end".

They reprise their paso, and it's certainly a good choice in that it's a clear crowdpleaser, and one where they can mask any shortcomings in technique with an excess of drama - which is just as well, because I turned to my husband during this routine and said "well, Stacey's never getting that 10 from Craig, then", because although it's good, it still lacks a little bit of precision. I think a more restrained partner would have probably made a better dancer out of Stacey, but I also think a lot of Stacey's appeal has come from her chemistry with Kevin, so maybe a different pro would never have got her this far in the first place. It finishes and Stacey squawks "we can't do much else!" to Kevin. Heh.

The audience is chanting her name, and she tells Tess that it doesn't matter what happens now, because Kevin is a gent and a sweetheart and she has had the best time. Bruno says that was "an authentic, beautiful paso doble", but she danced it with even more power, passion and a bit of sass this time. Craig agrees 100 per cent - it was powerful and driven, and he loved the release and the slow walks. Darcey tells Stacey that she must have some Latin blood in her because she was really commanding the dance, and she loves her in this character. Shirley says that Kevin has done an amazing job with Stacey, from the beginning of the show to the end of the show - Stacey has brought so much joy to so many people.

They make their final sprint to the Clauditorium, and Stacey says that dance was a real highlight for them. Strictly has been a complete dream for her, and they got to the final, so anything else is a bonus. Scores: Craig 9 (Kevin does a complete Kevin at this), Darcey 10, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Stacey tells Claudia, "remember Craig asked me to go and throw his do weeks ago? I'm not coming." Heh. Claudia asks Stacey what it would mean to win, and Stacey says she doesn't want to entertain that thought too much, but she's just had the most incredible time, and she's going to have a great Christmas and she's got the tour in the New Year, so whatever happens, she's fine.

Over to Faye and Giovanni for their Strictly story. Faye says that she's going to be so proud of what she's achieved when she looks back on this, and that she's never been the most confident person (that was Lisa), but you grow so much through the experience. They loved doing the first theatre/jazz in Strictly history, and Faye felt like they became a better team from it. Giovanni reminds us that Faye Does Not Know How Good She Is, Faye sobs that her family know what this means to her, her husband Michael says it's given her the confidence to go away and land a West End leading role do stuff on her own. Faye says she's doing it for her family, Angus and Dorothy tell her they know she can do it, Benjamin says he's proud of his mum. Giovanni says that Faye is "possibly the most hard work celebrity I've ever had on the show" (I hope he means "hardworking"), and Faye says that Giovanni has pushed her to her limit because he knows that she can do it. Giovanni hopes that this time the sunglasses won't slip off Faye's face and they can get a perfect score.

They're doing it sans spooky skull make-up this time [Boo, 1/10 - Rad] (presumably because Lisa and the team were too busy trying to greenify Pasha). There are no sunglasses-related incidents this time, mercifully - although given that that was really the only thing that went wrong first time out, it's maybe a slightly low-impact dance to finish on because we already know how good it is, and it doesn't really hold any opportunity for surprises. I'm glad to see it again though, because it really is great, and one of the few occasions where Couple's Choice didn't make me want to write an angry email to Louise Rainbow.

Craig's opinion? "Love. Love. Love." Darcey thinks it just got better and better. Shirley says that Faye has blossomed and bloomed and grown as a dancer. Bruno says that he thinks everybody can join in with him on this one: "ah-may-zing". Unfortunately nobody figures out what he's doing until the second syllable, which does dull the impact ever so slightly.

Faye and Giovanni and Faye's amazing ponytail rush up to the Clauditorium and Faye just about manages to hold the tears in long enough to say that it really meant a lot to her to do the first theatre/jazz routine on the show. 10s all round again to cement a perfect final for Faye. Thank yew, thank yew, etc. Faye is sobbing, and Claudia asks her what it would mean to take home the trophy, and Faye says "it would mean both Joe and Stacey were somehow incapacitated". Sorry, she says: "it would be the icing on the cake, but everybody has worked so hard".

And with the final competitive dance of the series, here are Joe and Dianne. In his VT, Joe says he will look back at this experience with nothing but fond memories. Dianne knew from the first day of training that they could do anything because Joe would just work until he got it. Joe says that Blackpool was one of the best evenings of his life, his nan was there, his family was there, he got 10s. "Zoe Sugg" (someone's reinventing herself for a new, more grown-up audience) says that the show has made Joe so much more confident, and Joe's nan says that he's just got to do his best. We revisit the girls at school screaming for Joe, and Joe thanks Dianne for getting him this far, adding that hers is the only opinion that matters to him. Hear that, YouTube fans? You're dead to him? He only needs one fan now! The Di-fan! (Maybe that's where he lost it?) Diane cryterviews that Joe has done her proud and this has been the best time of her life. Joe says he's proven that you can become a dancer even if you're not a dancer. Surely the only way to become a dancer is to not be a dancer in the first place? Joe is looking forward to applying his new-found confidence to an early routine and seeing the difference it makes. He thinks he couldn't have done this brilliant experience with anyone other than Dianne.

They reprise their charleston, which definitely benefits from Joe's increased confidence as a showman, but is still rather ropey on the technique front. By this point I was fairly convinced that Stacey and Kevin had biffed it right at the last and Joe was going to take it, and I was trying to look on the bright side, but the fact remains that as a winner's final dance, this would definitely be fairly underwhelming. I'm glad they picked a fun one to end on though, because it does remind me that I've ended up liking Joe far more than I ever expected to. [Yeah, I thought they'd go for ballroom here which I think might have worked in his favour - Rad]

Darcey tells Joe that he's the big surprise of this series, and he's put in an extraordinary amount of work that has definitely paid off. Shirley agrees with Darcey that Joe's work ethic has been second-to-none, and Joe is a superstar. Bruno says that Joe is the "last man stunning", always bright-eyed and full of energy, and it's great to see him close this fantastic series with the perfect high. Craig says that the swivel on Joe's left foot was a little slow, but he doesn't care because he loved it. I've just noticed that they put freckles on Joe for this dance which, combined with his new hair, really makes him look like Archie Andrews.

Claudia feels like it was a bold move to pick a week two dance as their favourite since everyone else picked week six or above (Faye and Ashley both went for week six, Stacey for week 10). Joe hopes it paid off because he really enjoyed that dance, and it's one that's close to him "because of the roof-thatching thing". Heh. Dianne says that Joe has been the perfect student and is one of her best friends for life now. Like and subscribe! Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. What would it mean to Joe to win? He'd love it, but he thinks everyone deserves it equally, and he'll be happy for whoever wins it. Such a nice young man!

So, that final scoreboard:
1=. Ashley & Pasha - 40 + 40 + 40 = 120
1=. Faye & Giovanni - 40 + 40 + 40 = 120
3. Joe & Dianne - 39 + 39 + 38 = 116
4. Stacey & Kevin - 39 + 36 + 39 = 114

So that's all of the competitive dances out of the way! I have to say that based on the final in isolation, I think Faye deserves the win more than anyone, for really not dropping the ball at any point and for delivering easily the best showdance. Over the series as a whole? Probably Stacey for improvement and memorability, but not so much based on this evening which was rather disappointing. [Yeah, agreed. Though I voted for everyone except Joe so I'm no use - Rad]

After a final recap, Claudia confirms that they have never had more 10s in a final, and informs us that the lines are losing in around 10 minutes. Time for a filler montage! People love Strictly! Someone thinks that the question on everyone's lips was "where is Anton hiding?" during Susannah's samba, although I think most people would have been able to answer that one quite easily given the giant comedy prop dress she was using. Two people go to bat for Graeme's salsa, a handsome bagpiper loved Charles's samba, one woman loved Movie Week, one man liked seeing Seann Walsh defy gravity in his paso (although another man thinks there wasn't much dancing in it), some police officers think it was criminal that Lee Ryan went out so early, one woman admires Kate for styling out her trip as Jessica Rabbit, some people fangirl Darcey for her positivity, people love Hallowe'en Week, some ladies loved Stacey's gender-role swapping Doctor Who tango, people admire Katie for putting herself out there "after all she's been through", kids and paramedics love Dr Ranj, Joe's progress is admired, Lauren is a great role model, Russell Grant thought Faye and Giovanni's charleston was incredible, a railway worker loves Craig for being grumpy, some airport staff liked Danny's jive, people are forced at gunpoint to say how much they love Couple's Choice can I go now please don't hurt my children, a pearly queen loves Shirley, they've also managed to find the only people in the country who favoured Vick and could identify the fact that there were three new pros this year (albeit not actually name them), the opening dance at Somerset House was great, as was the Harry Potter dance and the inclusive group dance, one woman incorrectly states that Tess and Claudia "always look amazing", Carol Kirkwood thinks the standard of dancing has been amazing, lots of people say keeeeep dancing. See, wasn't that a much better use of everyone's time than knowing who finished second, third and fourth? [It was for me, I got my washing up done - Rad]

Everyone's in the Clauditorium and the vote is closing in under five minutes! While we wait for that, Michael Bublé is here to sing 'Such A Night' with a mic that doesn't appear to be working properly. Is it just me or is he starting to look like Rick Astley? I spend ages waiting to see if they've booked any of the pros in for this bit, and eventually Aljaž and Janette appear to jive and throw each other around. Well, for Aljaž to throw Janette around, obviously. I can't really imagine it working the other way.

We return to Tess and Claudia, who confirm that the vote has closed. The winners will be announced very shortly, but while the vote is being counted, it's time to hear from the class of 2018 in another filler VT. Graeme would sum up his Strictly experience as a magnificent one, Kate has gone from being a non-dancer to performing in front of millions and feeling confident, Ranj says it's the toughest thing he's done in his life, and he works in A&E. Katie says the training was a revelation, learning something new each time, Susannah says that she's never laughed so much in her life, Ranj remembers feeling sick, Seann says that messing up the rehearsal is terrifying, Danny says that you can't go on stage with doubt, Seann says that the rush of getting a dance right is unmatched, Vick says she was getting her life in her jive, and then came smashing down to earth when the judges criticised it. Lauren says that she and AJ had a difficult run with the judges, but she doesn't know how she would have improved without the constructive criticism. Lee says the waltz and the jive were his favourite, "but that's two out of three". Vick liked making her mum proud. Chucky got very emotional when his street/commercial routine came together. Katie says she knows her jive lacked technique, but she really had fun even though that was the dance that got her eliminated. Graeme recalls doing four dance-offs, Ranj says he wasn't ready to go when he did but at least go out with a bang. Kate didn't like going out but at least she got to do it at Blackpool. Ranj thinks it's like leaving a party too early. Lauren says her last dance on the show won't be her last dance. Susannah is featured an awful lot in this sequence for someone who was barely even on the show. Everyone is asked to sum up their experience in one word, and it goes as follows: Lauren "dazzling", Seann "unforgettable", Kate "magical", and that's all the time we have.

Final group dance time! They're dancing to 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go', and Vick gets to be the opening act but is mostly being lifted rather than dancing. Dr Ranj gets to dance with lots of lovely ladies on the steps up to the judges' desk. Graeme presses Oti on his shoulders again and reprises that ludicrous aerobics routine. The music switches to 'Dance With Me Tonight' and Not A Geek Just Smart Gorka tries to give Katie his flower, then changes his mind and gives it to Neil instead. Bisexual dancing! Yes, give me it. Susannah has that ludicrous oversized dress again and hasn't even managed to position herself behind it properly, but this time half the cast are somehow squeezed in under it. The music switches to 'The Boy Does Nothing' (if the lines were still open, I would totally claim this was a conspiracy to RIG IT AGAINST JOE, but they're closed so I can't) as Lee, Seann and Danny do some jiving with Lee at the front, then Danny and Amy get whisked off to reprise their aeroplane wing routine. Seann and Katya do their slo-mo Matrix schtick and somehow manage not to swallow each other's tonsils in the process. Chucky and Karen do the funky chicken for some reason. (Trying to curry favour with Shirley at this late stage?) Kate emerges from behind a curtain and manages not to fall down the stairs this time. The music switches back to 'Dance With Me Tonight' and AJ whirls Lauren around some more while everyone does a little bit of climactic jiving.

After that, it's time for a trailer for the Christmas special - which I will be recapping in full detail at some point between 25 December and 24 January, so I'm going to save my energy for that.

Claudia's in the Clauditorium with the cast for one last chat. Charles says it feels like a dream to be back, and he can't believe he's part of this incredible show. Kate says that her family are happy to have her home, and that the whole thing is so all-consuming that her Christmas officially starts tomorrow. Ranj says he's missed dancing, and he's been dragging all his mates out dancing - he's learned he's definitely a latin boy. Lauren is happy to be here without the usual pressure, and she thinks it's been an amazing show tonight. Kate says the finalists should all feel really proud of themselves. Graeme isn't missing Oti shouting at him, because she's set the alarm on his phone to scream "GET UP! GET UP!". Heh.

Final thoughts from the judges: Shirley thinks it's been amazing, Craig thinks this series has exceeded all expectations, Darcey thinks there have been lots of great surprises. Craig finds Ashley extraordinary, Shirley reminds us of her great lifts, Bruno reckons that Ashley is the rising tide who lifts all the boats, and that you can tell she loves dancing, and the judges agree that her jive was one of the best they've ever seen. Shirley says that Faye has had a great musical ear from the beginning, and Craig says she's been incredible throughout. Shirley is still in love with Faye's feet, the perv. All the judges loved Faye's charleston. Craig thinks Joe and Dianne are a great partnership who are fun and effervescent and give it their all. His Blackpool quickstep is singled out for particular praise. Darcey loves Stacey, and Shirley thinks what you see is what you get - and pronounces "minion" correctly Darcey. Craig admires her for working on her technique so much over the course of the series. Her paso is singled out as a highlight. All four finalists are deemed worthy winners, and we're left with Shirley's words that it will be a difficult choice for the whole of the nation.

But what have the nation decided? All four couples are lined up and waiting to hear. Each individual couple gets cheers and applause (I think Joe gets the loudest, but there's not a lot in it). The Strictly Come Dancing champions are...

...Stacey and Kevin! Kevin falls to the floor (of course), Stacey covers her face and Joe rushes in to wrap her in a big hug. Stacey's boyfriend is on his feet, Di rushes the floor to embrace her daughter. Stacey's crying, Kevin's crying, Neil runs over to hug Di, and Kevin declares it a Christmas miracle. We have to rush through the runners-up interviews so much so that Ashley and Faye have to share one (they've both had a lovely time), and Joe says he's going to miss Dianne a lot, but she says she's going to miss him more. Stacey is recovered enough to talk at this point: "I should say something quite poignant, shouldn't I?" Heh. She tells Kevin he's the biggest gem, he's patient, he's talented, and his choreography is second to none, and she's had the most incredible time. She felt silly and like an idiot, doing all of this for the first time, but Kevin walked her through it all and she tells him "you so deserve this". Anyone else kind of feeling like Kevin won and Stacey's a bit of an afterthought? Because to be honest after Kevin's fairly grating, entitled behaviour tonight I'm a bit annoyed that Stacey's barely getting a look-in on her own victory. Claudia congratulates Kevin on being "the bride" (heh), and Kevin thanks Stacey for being so amazing and being the most wonderful person to work with. She's worked so hard, and always with a massive smile on her face, and he thinks the world of her. Tess hands over the trophy, and everyone rushes over to congrulate...Kevin, mostly. Oddly enough, Karen's the first one on the scene, screaming "you did it!" and giving him a big hug. I guess the split wasn't that acrimonious after all. The pros lift Kevin onto their shoulders and...yeah, I'm starting to think we're getting overinvested in the pro dancers, after Anton in 2015 and now this. (Giovanni is now the pro with the most appearances in the final who has yet to win, so I assume the "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" narrative now passes to him.) The band play out with Tina Turner's 'The Best', Stacey finaly manages to get some of the limelight, and Neil hoists her up on his shoulders to join Kevin in the air - better late than never, I suppose.

So that's it for the 2018 series! It was a little odd to get the winner I wanted (or one of the winners I wanted - I would have loved a Faye victory, but it never really felt feasible) and yet to be so unsatisfied by it, but I think that's just a result of Stacey's performance in the final being ultimately underwhelming. [But mostly that show dance - Rad] I enjoyed her across the series as a whole, though, and I think she feels like the right winner for the way the series played out.

I'll be back for the Christmas special at some point in the future. I hope you'll join me for that!