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Week 11: Top 6 Perform (Musicals Week) - 1 December 2018

We're close to the end now, and you know what that means: it's earnest opening VT time! It's not just Musicals Week, you see, it's also the quarter-final. Which isn't really a thing on this show because there aren't three other versions of it happening elsewhere to narrow down the field to four competitors for the semi-finals, but let's just roll with it. Joe is happy that his excitement level is currently outstripping his nervousness level, and hopes to keep it that way. Faye says that everyone is working their little socks off, and Stacey concurs that they have to put the hours in. Joe is spending all his time trying to keep in the zone. Lauren thinks the standard is just rising and rising. Charles says that a lot rides on what they deliver on that dancefloor (I would say that everything rides on that, surely, but at this stage I'm not entirely convinced it much matters what Joe or Stacey do from week to week), and Ashley confirms that the pressure's on. Charles reminds us that there's only six left, and Faye reckons it's anyone's game, and Lauren says that it's the quarter finals. Well, I don't really think that told me anything I didn't already know, but: thanks! I am quite envious of Joe's nice blue hoodie and lumberjack coat in this sequence though.

Titles: I still get very uncomfortable watching Katya flinging herself at Seann, knowing what we know now. As usual, they've mocked some show posters for each of the couples this year, and as far as I can tell: Charles and Karen are Mary Poppins, Ashley and Pasha are... Strictly Ballroom, I think, Faye and Giovanni are Mamma Mia!, Stacey and Kevin could literally be anything but the typeface makes me think Aladdin, Lauren and AJ are Dirty Dancing, and Joe and Dianne are Rent. Read into that what you will.

We open with the Mamma Mia!-themed routine we were promised on It Takes Two, starring Dianne as Sophie, AJ as Sky, Karen as Donna and Anton as Pierce Brosnan. Poor Karen (36), playing the mother of Dianne (29)! Although I guess Cher is only three years older than Meryl Streep, so there's definitely precedent for this. The judges also get in on the fun, with Bruno wearing a pair of short-shorts that really should have come with a content warning for disturbing images. There's also dirty filthy same-sex dancing between Anton and Bruno, for anyone who's been shipping those two ever since 2004. (Anton doesn't appear to have entirely learnt the choreography for this bit either.) Also Darcey and Shirley are playing Christine Baranski and Julie Walters respectively, and I think I would have swapped those two around? But perhaps that's just me. After we've worked our way through 'I Have A Dream', 'Mamma Mia', 'SOS' and 'Voulez-Vous', we finish with 'Dancing Queen', of course, as the six finalists enter, though they don't get to do much more than sway around a bit on the stairs. Still, this was a fun opening number, casting misgivings aside.

Tess and Claudia enter, and...oh boy, we need to talk about Tess. Specifically, what she's wearing: a red knee-length skirt (absolutely fine, no problem here), and a burgundy ruched puffy strapless long-sleeved top (disturbing on its own terms, a horrible clash with the skirt) - she looks like someone who's colourblind dressed up as Sexy Grimace for Hallowe'en. Claudia, by the way, is wearing a nice black floor-length dress, but you'd be forgiven for not even noticing, such a searing eyesore is Tess's ensemble. In the audience: Davood Ghadami, here to relive his own elimination from last year.

Our hosts remind us that Graeme and Oti got the boot last week, and introduce the judges who march on in entirely different outfits to what they were wearing a few seconds ago, blimey that was a quick change etc etc. Then of course it's our remaining Strictly stars: Charles and Karen as Tony and Maria; Faye and Giovanni as...it's still Barry and Yvonne, isn't it? Ever since Rad pointed it out, I can't unsee it; Stacey and Kevin as Fantine and...whichever man from Les Mis is most likely to dance with Fantine, I don't know the show very well; Lauren and AJ as Nellie and Emile; Joe and Dianne as Joseph and...idk, Mary Magdalene? [edit: I realise after the fact that I have got my Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoats mixed up with my Jesus Christ Superstars, honestly any and all Andrew Lloyd Webber is the same to me; and finally Ashley and Pasha as Fanny Brice and Nick Arnstein. High-kick watch: just Kevin and Stacey, although Giovanni does a nifty little spot-spin.

Tess teases that tonight's upcoming tributes include The Sound Of Music, West Side Story, and Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. Entrusted with the opening number tonight are Lauren and AJ, with their number from South Pacific. Their VT opens, as ever, with AJ talking like someone who's reading off flashcards having learnt the English language entirely from computer-generated speech. He's very proud of Lauren having made it so far, anyway, and thinks they should get cracking. They're dancing to 'I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy' from South Pacific, and Lauren rolls her eyes at the prospect of AJ playing the wonderful guy in question. AJ clarifies that he's playing Emile, and Lauren is playing Nellie. That's odd, because if I was asked to pick the obvious Nellie in this partnership, I doubt I'd pick Lauren.

In possibly the most tenuous segue of all time, Lauren explains that South Pacific is a love story set during World War II, which makes her think of her great-nan and her wartime stories, so she takes AJ to meet her. She is concerned that AJ might show up in ripped jeans though, because Lauren's Great-Nan doesn't approve of ripped jeans. Strangely, this bit of apparent foreshadowing goes absolutely nowhere, because AJ turns up in the next scene in some smart navy chinos. There follows an uncomfortable scene of Lauren SPEAKING VERY LOUDLY AND CLEARLY to Nana Doreen asking her if she fell in love with Granddad during World War II, and Doreen confirms this, adding "he was very clever with his hands [!!!!!], but not clever with his feet." Wow. Lauren asks Doreen if she'd like to watch them do some dancing, and Doreen says she would - "you'd better be good, or else." I hope there's an implied "you're out of the will" there. They dance for Doreen, who gives them a 10, which isn't even on a proper Strictly paddle, it's just on a bit of paper held up with a plastic straw. Poor Doreen. I guess all the budget went on Ashley's train tickets this week.

So, of course, there are extra bonus dancers for the routines tonight, and the scene is set for Lauren's South Pacific sequence by...Johannes running out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist. I don't know South Pacific so I don't know what plot relevance that has, but frankly I'm already minded to give this a 10. It starts with a bit of solo wafting by Lauren and a lift courtesy of the back-up dancers, and then AJ arrives and they get into hold for some lovely Viennese waltzing. It's actually quite subdued for an American smooth in that the lifts don't dominate it, and it's all about the pivots instead. We already know that Lauren's nifty with a Viennese waltz because she got 34 for it last time, and this is basically the same thing but with some added flourishes. In fact, they're right to keep the lifts to a minimum because when they do go for the triumphant final one, her legs whirl around in a slightly ungainly fashion. Also, when I hear the echo of "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love" in this song now, my brain goes straight to the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend pilot and Rebecca Bunch throwing away her high-powered New York legal career to run away to West Covina in pursuit of Josh Chan and happiness.

Also in the audience tonight: Stephen McGann and Heidi Thomas. Get them on for series 17! Give them a Clifton each!

Shirley's on her feet, so that bodes well. Tess thanks the "all-live singers" (do they normally have zombies?) Hayley, Jamie, Andrea and Tommy. Remember when Jamie was the new boy? They grow up so fast! Shirley says that Lauren has gone from the bottom of the leaderboard to turning the heat up on the first number - she was beautifully centred on her pivots with no rocking or dipping, and she's paid attention to closing her feet and pointing her toes, which shows that she's really listening to the critiques from the judges. Bruno calls it "a return to form" and says that Lauren danced like a dream - she was at ease, she was expressive, and she was "touching everyone". I hope she had consent. He welcomes her back to the big leagues. Craig says this proves that ballroom is her strength: he loved the timing of it and her acting has improved massively, but she could pin her shoulders back a little more. Darcey wraps it up by calling it "a stunning transformation", and saying that she was particularly impressed by the clean dismounts.

In the Clauditorium, Lauren says that "jolly" was their watchword for this week, and AJ says that was her best performance by far. They say hi to Doreen, and we've only got 65 minutes tonight so it's straight over to the scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35 - Lauren's highest score ("and your first nine from Darcey!" lol, as if anyone's paying attention to that), though no sign of that 10 AJ asked for. Lauren is very happy to be back above 30 after a tough two weeks.

This week reading the terms and conditions: Trevor Dion Nicholas, who plays the genie in Aladdin the musical. Is his understudy on tonight, then?

In the death slot tonight: Faye and Giovanni. Since I made a big fuss about what Tess is wearing, I think it's only fair to go into similar detail for this two: they've been made up as Austrian marionettes, which for some reason requires Giovanni to wear a genuinely terrifying blond wig. My friend Alex described it as "Pam St Clement cosplay", and I can think of no better description. Also, Tess inaccurately describes his trousers as "lederhosen", and I'm already livid that we were promised lederhosen on It Takes Two and didn't end up getting it, don't rub it in. Faye's Sanity Watch: the VT opens with her unable to get through a quick introduction to what they're doing this week (a charleston to 'The Lonely Goatherd') without collapsing into giggles. Faye describes their routine as "quirky" and "fun", and she's really enjoying getting into character. To that end: she and Giovanni are sent out on a cold and misty day to a farm to meet professional yodeller Yodellynne, so that Giovanni can terrify some sheep with his attempts at yodelling, and - with goats in short supply - attempt a bit of sheep herding with farmer Andy Jackman. Their efforts don't seem to get them very far, but at least Giovanni has passed his audition for series two of Gleb On The Farm.

So...yes. They are indeed playing puppets, and there are goat puppets behind them, and the expressions on their faces are legitimately terrifying. Also they've mashed up 'Lonely Goatherd' with 'Wind It Up' by Gwen Stefani (which samples it), which feels slightly like cheating, but this entire routine is so balls-to-the-wall insane I can't bring myself to get too hung up on technicalities. It defies description, so I shall just say that the puppet-like movements are eerily accurate, Faye's swivel is impressive, the move where she donuts herself around Giovanni's leg and slides to the floor is both brilliant and terrifying, and Giovanni's legs are indeed as hairy as legend foretold. [I still kind of wish they'd made this their samba, because that'd have tipped the insanity even further.  Although, we know my feelings on Joe's samba last year so, on second thoughts, as you were, Faye and Giovanni - Rad]


Bruno leaps to his feet and says that everyone was on their feet (point of interest: Shirley has now reached elite level when it comes to anticipating his arm flying in her general direction): he calls it "the ultimate crowd-pleasing show-stopping delight", which makes it even more odd that it was in the death slot. Craig says that he thought "the goats were good, darling... you weren't bad either. Well done." Darcey found it "extraordinary" (ain't that the truth) and was so impressed at how they were in sync even when they were tied to strings, and by how they retained the characters of puppets throughout. Shirley says that The Sound Of Music is her go-to Christmas movie, and calls Faye a diamond because there were no flaws in that routine.

Claudia says that everyone in the Clauditorium was "literally screaming" (again, not surprised, so was I), and Faye says that they've laughed a lot this week, and she's pleased to have nailed the scary lifts. The scores are in: 10s all round for a perfect 40. The assembled pros and celebs yodel in delight. Giovanni thanks Jenny for the amazing choreography, and hugs Anton, who slaps his bottom. Claudia asks Stacey who she will be later, and Stacey says she's a 19th-century peasant girl from France. "You've got the accent right down," notes Claudia.

Thank u, next: it's Charles and Karen, with a West Side Story rumba. Bruno tells Tess that it's "the first modern-era opera" and waxes lyrical about the story of all-consuming love. In their VT, Karen takes Charles to Her Majesty's Theatre - which is the home of The Phantom Of The Opera and has been since 1986, but 60 years ago it was hosting West Side Story. Karen tells Charles that it's one of her favourite musicals, and playing Maria is her dream. "No pressure," frets Charles. In training, Karen is really putting Charles to work: she's got her belt around his abdomen to keep his frame upright, and she's using her jumper to make sure his hips are rotating. This is an oddly technique-focused VT for a theme week.

So yes, it's a rumba to 'Maria', and it's definitely quite impressive for a blokerumba. There's perhaps not as much hip movement as I would like ideally, but in performance terms it's full of emotion and nicely contained. But I can't help feeling that in a night of hugely overblown production numbers, it's going to get really lost - as evidenced by the fact that I can't really find much else to say about it. It's nice. But that's kind of it. [I wasn't entirely sure the music matched the dance genre but I thought they danced it well, and in a series with so few rumbas, we'll take what we can get - Rad]

Tess says that it's our first blokerumba of the series (and quite possibly the last if Joe chooses to swerve it next week and do an Argentine tango instead, which I think would be a wise decision on his part). Craig says he'll open with the negative: Charles needs to be more aware of his free arm because he's dancing one-sided on occasion, and sometimes his feet were a little "bolted to the floor" - but he thinks it's the most masculine rumba he's seen, and possibly the best male celeb rumba they've had. Darcey disagrees with Craig's negatives - she thought Charles had total control of the rumba and she loved the balance and resistance between them. Shirley says that she spotted advanced steps in there, and she loved the hip action and the sensitivity - she thought he took a brave, masculine role and kept it throughout. Bruno finishes by saying that Charles created an incredible atmosphere, and he likes that he made it very tender, touching and gentle.

They make their way up to the Clauditorium, where Claudia says that she knows Charles was getting emotional throughout the week whenever he heard this song. Charles says they probably played it more than 100 times, and he was fighting not to cry every single time. D'aww. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35 - so probably not Craig's "best male rumba ever" because he gave Colin, Tom, Harry, Mark Wright and Jay 9s. (And I could be here for ages listing the other men he gave 8s to, but the list includes Ore, Ashley, Patrick...)

Next we have Ashley and Pasha doing Funny Girl, and I'm going to breeze straight past the Tess 'n' Claude joke interlude this week because it's not very good. In their VT, Tess intones that "despite being joint second on the leaderboard" last week, Ashley and Pasha were in the bottom two. I'd say it's less "despite" and more "because of", personally. Ashley says that this has given them "a kick in our booties" to work hard and come back stronger [I... don't think their work ethic is the problem - Rad]. This apparently translates to Pasha taking her on the Orient Express because Barbra did this song at a train station. He tells her that they're going to do a full-on routine that needs tons of stamina, and Ashley says that she's definitely feeling the wear and tear at this point. She adds that as long as they go out and do their best, the rest is out of their hands.

Their routine is to 'Don't Rain On My Parade' and it's a big production number that rattles around the floor at quite a lick. It's really full-on that it actually feels like a bit of a visual and aural assault: I can't deny that it's very, very well done, but it's just so fast and relentless that it actually hurts a little bit to watch it. Then again, I'm not sure what else you could do with 'Don't Rain On My Parade', it's not exactly a subdued number.

Darcey is amazed by how fast and difficult that was, and she's impressed at the stamina needed. She thinks it was flawless - apart from Ashley needing to relax her straight arm in hold. Shirley agrees about the arm, and thinks that Ashley is a great performer, but she found the whole thing too busy and overloaded, and it needed some slower moments. I mean...where? Where in the song would you put those? But she thinks Ashley is a superstar. (In the audience: Kimberley Walsh.) Bruno says it was a smash hit, and the music required her to keep up with that final crescendo - he thought the sequence at the end was breath-taking. Craig says it certainly was fast and furious, and he loved that - even if Shirley didn't. But there was a bit of gapping from the constant changing of direction, he thought.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia soothes Ashley by saying that Oti came up to her afterwards and said it was the hardest routine she's seen. Ashley says that she didn't know any different, so she just went with it. She had fun, and she hopes everyone likes it. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. Bit baffled by Darcey's 10 there, given that she spotted the arm issue, but hey. It's one of those nights.

Stacey and Kevin are our penultimate couple of the night, dancing to 'I Dreamed A Dream' from Les Misérables, which Tess says they are hoping will put a smile "on our very own Les Misérable", indicating Craig. Not to get all "well, actually..." here but, well, actually, he'd just be "le misérable", wouldn't he? In their VT, Stacey reveals that their paso went so well that Kevin treated himself to a new jumper afterwards. Bless his heart. To help them get into the mood, they're joined in training by Dean Chisnall and would-be Strictly kingmaker Carley Stenson, the current West End Jean Valjean and Fantine. Carley tells her that she got into her character by watching Stacey's documentaries, and some of the ladies that she's met. That's...well, that's certainly a technique, I suppose. Dean adds that that's why Les Mis is still around, because of its enduring topical relevance. Dean advises Stacey to  bring her own experiences from her work into the performance, which Stacey thinks is a good idea.

They're dancing an American smooth, and it's absolutely as ridiculous as Faye's charleston only played very, very straight - but there's a mid-routine costume change as Stacey's ragged shawl is stripped away to reveal a beautiful dress beneath, and a genuinely hilarious bit where she sprints right at the camera and leaps into the arms of the backing dancers. If this is a deliberate attempt to snatch some of Joe's teenage fans by hitting them directly in their musical theatre feels, it's a very clever one.  (Although 'On My Own' would've probably been the true Les Mis precision strike.) I can't help also thinking this would be a brilliant routine to reprise as your last dance in the final, if you can make it work without the extra dancers. (Also, those trousers are a triumphant return for Kevin's arse, just saying.)

It goes down an absolute storm in the room, and Tess snitches on Bruno for having a little cry during the performance. Shirley says that sometimes in life we do something so magical that we capture it in our hearts and it stays there forever: that's what Stacey just did. Bruno says that he's a mess - he totally forgot who he was and where he was (sounds like a standard Saturday night for Bruno) and it was special and unforgettable. Craig says it wasn't technically perfect but it didn't matter because it was "real", "honest" and "truthful". Darcey finishes by saying that Stacey's dancing came up to the iconic status of the musical, and she gave a truly impressive performance.

They dreamwalk all the way up to the Clauditorium, where Stacey immediately asks if she can take the shawl off again because she's too hot. Heh. She says that she felt really chilled all week, because what will be will be, and she thinks everyone's done well. It's also Stacey's mum Di's birthday - happy birthday, Di! Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Shirley 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 38. Ooh, we are having a lot of ties tonight...

Closing the show are Joe and Dianne. They're dancing to 'Joseph Megamix', and Joe's excited to be in the quarter-final because he's never made it to the quarter-final of anything. He's never even heard of a quarter-final before! He thought it was an Italian fishing village! He says that this week's routine will be very flamboyant, and they're switching things up a bit by having Joe get lifted by Johannes. Jason Donovan comes along to help Joe with his character, and Jason's voice is sounding tired, what's he been doing with himself? Jason advises him to listen to the line from the show: "if you think it, want it, dream it and it's real, you are what you feel." What? Jason adds that "there's a lot of Joseph in Joe". Yeah, I think I saw that on an OnlyFans once.

Now, I don't know what it is about men called Joe doing tremendously homosexual salsas on this show, but goodness me. Joe shakes his hips with what would pass for "gay abandon" in every sense of the phrase, there's what might as well be a giant Pride flag unfurling behind him, he's wearing enough guyliner to paint the hull of a warship, and of course he gets lifted onto the strong shoulders of Johannes. Other points of interest: he's the only person all night sporting a more demonic facial expression than Faye Tozer, his hips...do not actually move that much, and this is the second week in a row where he's had a routine where he can stop for a little sit-down midway through. Is he the new Stephanie Beacham?

Tess asks Joe where he's been hiding his hips, and my answer would be "in that routine", to be honest. Bruno says that Joe's dreams really have come true - he had all the sparkly fun of the salsa, with the charm of Joseph, and it was "Andrew Lloyd Wonderful". Craig thought the actual salsa lacked fluidity and rotation in the hips, but Joe presented the number brilliantly. Darcey loved the conviction in his face (is that what it was?) and she was impressed at the way he handled the lifts in his core (lol, I'm not so sure that he did). Shirley gives him an A* for presentation, and was impressed with how he stayed straight when being lifted up by his feet. Hon, nobody stayed straight at any point in that routine, I assure you, it was the gayest thing I've seen since Bruno's holiday snaps.

Joe scoots up to the Clauditorium and giggles that he was actually on the same level as them at the end so he could hear them screaming. Joe says that being lifted is a proper skill, so he tips his hat to the ladies - and says that Johannes is like a theme-park ride. You heard it here first folks: Johannes is an excellent ride. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 36. That 10 is ludicrous, but honestly I'm grateful for anything that avoids a three-way tie in a field of six couples.

That scoreboard, then:

1. Faye & Giovanni - 40
2=. Ashley & Pasha - 38
2=. Stacey & Kevin - 38
4. Joe & Dianne - 36
5=. Lauren & AJ - 35
5=. Charles & Karen - 35

Normally I wouldn't be worried about someone who's topping the leaderboard with a perfect score falling into the dance-off, but...it does look possible with those ties, doesn't it? Although it does assume any sort of voting surge for Ashley, which is far from a given. Either way, I'd think it's fairly clear we're losing either Charles or Lauren this week. Claudia declares the vote open, and I immediately look for a number I can call to vote for this week's clear MVP: Johannes.

Recap: Lauren and AJ pivoting like Ross Geller taking a sofa up a staircase, Faye & Giovanni losing their damn minds in a glorious way, Charles and Karen doing possibly the best blokerumba but probably not, Ashley and Pasha creating a sonic boom, Stacey going for an Olivier Award, and Joe giving us a night at Push The Button.

In Sunday's results show: a Sweet Charity pro routine, Adam Lambert doing that Queen thing he does, and the dreaded dance-off claims another victim. Join us then!