Same old story

Week 12: Top 4 Perform (Semi-Final) - 7 December 2019

Last week! A perfectly respectable musicals week that Steve got to recap following a perfectly respectful Blackpool week, whilst I got the utter doggerel that was Blackpool Hangover week, i.e. one of the worst episodes of this show ever. And now! It's two-dance week! That week where everyone inevitably underwhelms due to the pressure of learning two new routines! When I complained to Steve about this, he did point out that he has the final, which means SHOWDANCES from this shower. I think I am most excited-for-but-also-dreading Karim and Amy's, given how much their dances are when they're meant to be sticking to genre. Imagine when they're let loose. I'm not sure there will even be any survivors. But before that, of course, we have to see which three couples will make the final, and which will get to have a nice sit down and watch three-dance-week from the sidelines.

We open with a pre-show VT in which the judges tell us it’s the semi-final, and also two-dance week, and Karim and Kelvin tell us they’ll do anything to make the final, whilst Chris can’t believe he’s in the semi-final and Emma says no-one wants to go home. If you weren’t already aware of who are the two contenders who should be in the final and who the two also-rans who are just here for the JOURNEY.

Cue credits! Wow, looking at all these people reminds me just how long this series has been. To think Dev and David were THIS YEAR not eons ago.

Tess and Claud enter on the arms of the G-men and all four of them are in funereal black, presumably in memory of the fallen. Jamie Laing, Will (we miss you Will, hope you're doing OK), Neil’s leg, and the greatest loss of this whole series, Johannes’ showdance. As we get a full shot of our hosts, we see that Claudia’s wearing some emerald green shoes. Very Wicked, let’s just redo musicals week instead of subjecting ourselves to Emma and Anton’s cha cha.

The judges enter, and Motsi and Bruno are also in black (though Motsi’s is a minidress with a huge lace floaty outer layer, because you just know she’s the glamourous in-law that gets the tuts at a funeral and takes it entirely in her stride). However, Shirley’s in rose gold sequins and Craig’s in grey so they either didn’t get the message about dress code, or are being DISRESPECTFUL. The celebs enter: Emma and Anton; Chris and Karen; Amy and Karim (who very much does that kick thing); Kelvin and Amy. Emma and Karim are putting the most effort into the little theme tune dance because of course they are (honestly I'm a people pleaser too so I do get their complete neediness but the stage school theatrics of it all still makes me laugh).

Emma and Anton

The training footage for their cha cha looks very static, so we cut away from it to the iPad of fans.  They appeal to: pilots, women in shopping centres, EastEnders cast members, people with dogs, sibling pairs of children.

She’s wearing a huge long hairpiece as a ponytail, with a gold dress, whilst Anton looks a bit like a club compere in his own gold flocked jacket, which I bet is deliberate Anton trolling, making it look like they’re returning in Austin Powers: Goldmember. They are dancing to a fucking Jess Glynne song (‘Hold My Hand’) as if the prospect of this dance wasn’t bad enough. Considering it’s Anton!Latin, the comedic stuff is held back a little in terms of Emma’s performance – she’s just all wide-eyed grin, although he’s still gurning away because he can’t help himself. To be fair, it is better than I was expecting, and an improvement on their previous party Latin – helped, no doubt, by them having a week one dance this late in their ‘journey’. But it still isn’t really made for her – she’s quite stiff, especially in the upper body, there's not much going on in the hips, and the whole thing does have a feel of ‘contractual obligation’ about it.

We welcome the singers: Hayley, Billy (who he?), Andrea and Tommy, along with Dave Arch and the wunnerful wunnerful orchestra.

Shirley says it’s a lot better than her early work but there was some dodgy leg work. However, she made up for it with performance, and with her connection with Anton. They literally did not look at each other the whole dance, Shirley. Or maybe that’s why you liked it, Bitches be Blanking DuBeke and all that? Bruno gets his first standing up and waving arms around of the night in already, saying ‘every move had a face’ and she’s going for Vegas, and there were some issues but ‘as the head judge said’, he says, strangling Shirley, ‘an improvement’. Craig says it lacked hip action and gets booed (sigh),  that there were issues in leg action and balance, and Anton says ‘that might have been me, I got a bit excited’. Don’t be reminding me of Fiona’s cha cha cha Anton. Who’d have thought it would be THIS dance that gets his blood pumping? Still, Craig thought her performance was great.  I’m glad we’re nearly at the end of this series – I know the storylining in late stage Strictly is always super-predictable but surely there is more to Emma than ‘performance’ – ie ‘FACE’, to Chris than ‘nice normal bloke who’s a trier’, to Karim than ‘needy show pony’ and to Kelvin than ‘HUNK’. Actually, forget that comment in relation to Kelvin, given his other known character traits include ‘being a dick to his dad’ and ‘Brexit’. Anyway, Motsi reminds us of Emma’s JOURNEY from ropey Latin to still-ropey-but-a-bit-less-so Latin, and says she liked Emma’s posture as well as performance.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says everyone is nervous, whilst Dianne, Nadiya and Nancy wear a variety of under-adorned pastel dresses in different styles from Vicky Gill’s prototypes bin. Score: 7, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 31. Emma reminds us that the lesser-spotted waltz will be making an appearance later so we might enjoy that better.

Angela Rippon is our Ts&Cs reader this week, wearing bright red with a little yellow flower pin which I am taking as a message to tactically vote, especially pertinent given half of our pros and judges might get deported under a Boris regime.

Speaking of Brexitty bad guys, here’s Kelvin.

Kelvin and Oti

Their quickstep training footage features him saying that it seems a ‘very sophisticated’ dance. Not going on the last 17 series of this show, but hey. Their fans? Thirsty middle-aged women who want him to reprise his samba, more ethnic diversity than Anton and Emma supporters, but fewer children.

They’re dancing to ‘The Lady is a Tramp’ and he looks dapper in tails – I think this might be the most trad ballroom he’s looked all series? Oti’s in a pink and silver dress with red roses and a big red sash, what a Corbynista, as Furious of Telford frantically calls Ofcom about OMGBBCBias. The dance is, for me, his best ballroom yet – his hands look a bit daft out of hold but I think that’s less about technique and more about him looking a little uncomfortable with the whimsy of it all. Other than that, it seems to be well-danced, he keeps up with the very fast music, and it’s much more crowd-pleasing than it going out in second would imply – as he’s rarely had this slot in the show it’s probably more about demonstrating some fairness in the running order than death slotting a dud. Because, if anything, this might bag him that 40.

The audience give a very noisy standing ovation and Shirley, Bruno, and then Motsi, eventually also stand. Bruno stands and shouts and calls it ‘champagne, made from the best vintage, Dom Perignon’ (other brands are available) and he praises Kelvin’s musicality in particular for giving him goosebumps by hitting everything. Tess baits Craig to see if he’ll get his 10 out for Kelvin, and Craig says it really upset him ‘because I couldn’t see much wrong with it’. Motsi praises how elegant he looks and says she loved that there was great partnering and no gapping. Shirley says ‘your woodpecker was amazing’ and Bruno absolutely loses it to the point where Tess just has to give up and send them to the Clauditorium while the runners call for paramedics.

In the Clauditorium everyone bangs on about how hard two-dance week is, some more. Boy howdy.  Scores: 10, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 40. And the Clauditorium looks REALLY empty without any celebrities in it.

Chris and Karen

Tess reminds us his JURNEE has been ‘from never danced before to the semi-final’. The end. There are no more stages to this journey. Just in case you hadn’t got the memo, which I’m sure will be repeated more than once tonight. Their VT concentrates on them being glad to be in the semi-final rather than grubbing for the final, unsurprisingly, and Chris calls the Viennesse Waltz ‘a fun little dance’, which is rather diminishing its status as the white-kuckle-ride vomatron it’s usually portrayed as in these things. Their fans? Geordies, climbers, groups of children, the one random old couple in the country who can say they loved his foxtrot without feeling the need to bang on about the purity of dahnce.

They’re dancing to ‘Somebody to Love’ (Queen’s royalties are doing very nicely this series I see) and both appear to be dressed for the paso in black and gold (Karen’s skirt is lovely though – properly massive and spinny which is all you want for this dance). As ever, he is all about performance rather than technique. It starts quite well, but his footwork isn’t exactly neat (the upper body is better), and at one point he stumbles a bit, and doesn’t really recover, but the performance side of it is really lovely and sweet – he’s smiling throughout, even when he made an error.

With Tess he calls it ‘a spinny customer’ and says he’s being ‘tortured by three Tesses’. Many a contestant has had those nightmares, I am sure. Ricky Whittle still has the restraining order in place. 

Craig says he would have liked it to be a bit smoother and that there was a bit that went wrong when he transitioned from natural to reverse turn and Chris says it was the dizziness. Craig says that he has transformed to a dancer and that’s remarkable. Motsi says his frame and performance have improved so much and although it went a bit wrong, the beginning was great. Shirley says there were too many mistakes for her and as the audience begin to boo she says ‘we all saw it, it went on for a while’. Heh. She says there are too many mistakes for the semi-final, but she admires him for his journey. Bruno says he appreciates the hard work he puts in, that he never takes comments personally and he has improved and that even if the footwork went off the rails, there’s another dance he can redeem it through. That other dance… being the rumba.

In the Clauditorium, Chris is relieved that Craig actually likes him.  Scores: 7, 7, 6, 6 (the audience boo and Chris tells them to stop booing because 6 is a good score, which is advice the Strictly audience could have done with, oh, about fifteen series ago) for a total of 26 and one of those rare moments when Craig highballs and Bruno lowballs. 

Karim and Amy

The last couple already!  (I wish…)  Last week they added to the ever-expanding pantheon of Holy Jives and Karim’s face in slow-motion is quite slack jawed. They have ‘a choreographer coming, Vincent’ like we all don’t know Vincent Simone. ‘A choreographer’ indeed, such disrespect to a Strictly legend. As punishment, Vincent promises he’s given them the hardest Argentine Tango routine ever on this show.  nd we remember those bondage-tastic routines he and Flavia did so get ready. Karim and Amy fans? Heterosexual couples in shopping centres, children’s football and ballet teams (ie try-hards), single women of varying ages.

They are dancing to ‘Libertango’ (as per) and Karim is in the most distracting floral trousers. And can we just pause and mourn for Kelvin and Michelle’s Argentine Tangos, which were the ones I most wanted from this cast? [I wonder why we got so few Argentine tangos this year, given that they're quite popular with the audience? - Steve] This one? It’s nicely danced I guess, without being perfect, but it leaves me pretty cold. The problem with the AT is it relies on performance and chemistry as much as technique and there didn’t really seem to be much passion here, more a ‘Karim is concentrating hard’ face. I think he’s a talented dancer, and evenly matched with Kelvin overall, but his acting chops are a bit lacking here. He and Amy are very believable as friends, but I compare this performance to the smouldering in Kelvin and Oti’s rumba, for example (two people I don’t think demonstrate much connection in their VTs beyond wanting to win, but can absolutely turn it on when the dance calls for it) – and Karim comes out lacking here. It’s not that he can never perform, but the peppier dances fit his puppy dog personality a bit better. [I agree with this - he's just not one of life's natural smoulderers, is he? He's too puppyish and sweet. - Steve] That said, I liked his ballroom tango a lot, but that didn’t need to be as sensual as the Argentine variant.  This just felt like the dance equivalent of a creative writing piece that is technically competent in its grammar and syntax, and ticks the boxes when it comes to plotting, yet lacks a certain je ne sais quoi in terms of storytelling and emotional impact.

Still, Motsi thinks it had chemistry and intimacy, so *shrug*, maybe they’ll all 10 it, what do I know. Shirley praises the complexity of the technique though says there was a moment where his feet where a bit wobbly. Bruno says being moody was the correct interpretation of the dance, though there were moments where he didn’t have a slick balance, but the last section of ganchos was impressive. Craig says there were balance issues, especially in the spins, and his feet weren’t sliding in the Cuban way, and there was actually a lot wrong with it, but also a lot right – it just wasn’t the flavour for him and was too aggressive overall. Motsi says she loved that and Craig says it’s not really right for the Argentine tango. Actually those critiques were harsher than I expected.

In the Clauditorium, we get a good look at Karim in eyeliner looking like a little Marc Almond. And he gets lots of babying ‘awwws’ for being a woobie again.  Scores: 8, 10, 9, 9 for a total of 36 and everyone in the Clauditorium shout ’10, 10, 10’ like it deserved it.  Claudia asks him how he feels about doing ballroom next after weeks away from it and he says he might drop Amy. Hey, gotta make an impact on the public somehow.

Midway leaderboard:

1. Kelvin and Oti - 40

2. Karim and Amy - 36

3. Emma and Anton - 31

4. Chris and Karen - 26

Gosh, it looks so sparse with only four of them all massively spaced out to fill the screen.

Preview of what’s coming up involving all the celebs thanking their pros but giving us precious little teaser footage of the Chris Ramsey rumba which is all we care about.

And now it's our annual visit to JUDGES’ HOLODECK, now kitted out with glittery egg-shaped chairs., but still sadly lacking the booze and nibbles of the Alesha years.

Emma and Anton

Emma’s strengths and weaknesses – rubbish at Latin (/Anton), good at the dances that need FACES, got Anton some 10s which gave them a bit of narrative drive, last woman standing so will probably get to the final for that reason alone. Assuming she’s against Chris if she falls in the dance-off. And she does her waltz.

They are waltzing to ‘Gymnopédie No. 1’ and it’s… actually nowhere near as good as I thought it would be. She looks kind of scared throughout, and the footwork is quite stuttery at the start, before finding the flow mid-way and then it looks like something goes a little wrong near the end? Tonally it’s perfectly fine (and heck, it’s good to see any waltz on this series so I’ll happily take an adequate one), and her frame is mostly OK, give or take a couple of shoulder raises too many, but given we’re in a year of apparent Antonaissance I wanted more. For me, AJ and Saffron’s was much, much stronger, and this is a solid 7 or a generous 8, but will probably get 9s because semi-final. [Yeah, it didn't do a lot for me either - considering she got the lucky draw of two week one dances this week, I'm a bit disappointed she didn't do either of them particularly well. - Steve]

Shirley starts off the judging and it’s kind of amazing that she does this extended tease comment - a bit like Sralan’s ludicrously convoluted pre-firing waffle on The Apprentice – where you can’t tell if she’s building up to a compliment or an evisceration (even though she gave it a one-woman standing ovation so probably the former). She tells Emma… ‘I always thought ballroom was your thing… then your Latin got better and you did that…’ and then goes on about the music being very slow and that you can dance before, on, or at the end of the beat, and Emma was at the end… which world champions do, apparently. The tease build up was fun for the look of terror on their faces.  Shirley says there were some mistakes, but it was lyrical and beautiful. Bruno says it’s everything he loves – classical music and beauty, and it was hard to work with that music because its phrasing changes, and she did well to keep up with it. God I love it when Muso!Bruno waxes lyrical about classical or opera. Craig says the frame and footwork slipped a bit (truth) and there weren’t enough heel leads, and he was watching for them – her first step was on the toe, and it kept happening in the pivots, but he thought it flowed and was very beautiful. Motsi says this was ‘pure dancing’ and she appreciated the work that had gone into it.

In the Clauditorium we mention Emma’s celebrity parents and they get put back on screen just in case they thought it was safe to go back to the shops without being mobbed. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 10 – which was so clearly just for the music, people should totally slip in classics to get a Bruno 10 more often, you know he’ll give it up for you.  Anton thanks Emma for letting him do the kind of dance he’s wanted to do for 15 years. Yeah, that left me feeling about as good as when they let Kevin do that paso he’d always wanted. Also, even though I do really like Emma, this show trying to sell me that she deserves all those 10s when Katie Derham never got any? Pah.

Kelvin and Oti

Judges’ holodeck tells us he is the ‘surprise’ of the series, because he wasn’t actually meant to be here. However, even before he danced I was pretty sure he was going to win because he’s a hunky soap actor in a series with very few other potential audience draws in the cast. Anyway, his strengths and weaknesses: that samba, being the first to 10, that jive, his only real weaknesses discussed are being a bit inconsistent at times and Craig not liking his jive that much. Also, in the actual surprise of the series, no-one mentions ‘hips’, well done all.

Their paso is to ‘Seven Nation Army’ and he almost has his tits out – they’re in the sheerest of black mesh, with pleather high-waisted trousers. I was expecting this to be fantastic and it… isn’t? He has a really weird gormless paso face (even though ‘Gaston’ and ‘Brexit’ show he can do evil quite well) and the shaping in his body looks quite awkward – I think he’s over-shaping almost, so his body looks distorted. Mostly the attack is there, the knee bits are good, but there’s one section where his footwork goes awry and he staggers back a bit. And the end pose where he just holds his hands like a banana with curled in hands looks fucking stupid. The audience love it though, and all of the non-Craig judges are standing.

Bruno calls it the ultimate paso and says some of his shapes had an almost sculptural feeling, but at times he cut it a bit short. Craig says he can definitely find things wrong with this dance – it was slightly measured, he went out of time in places, his knee walks were impressive (true, they looked pretty good) and he needs more height in the jetes. His balance at the end also didn’t work. But, overall, impressive(!). Motsi says she’s never seen a man who keeps the paso position so well and he has her respect for attacking the dance. Shirley says it’s very hard to do two dances and she agrees with all of the judges that there were impressive moments, but also moments where the balance, footwork and timing went wrong. Well, I’m pleasantly surprised that the judges weren’t just mesmerised by his tits being (almost) out.

Scores: 9, 10, 9, 9 for a total of 37. Oti says Kelvin has a big heart and he has brought passion to the dancing and every day she’s so grateful to have met him. Poor Jamie Laing.

Chris and Karen

Strengths and weaknesses: Being an actual beginner, putting in effort, giving things a party feeling, Byker Grove, selling the dances well in terms of performance, having public support, but not being very good at the technical parts of dancing.  In the training VT, Chris says he doesn’t want to do a sexy rumba with Karen if that’s OK, and somewhere the ghost of Brendan Cole nods on approvingly whispering 'No. Dirty. Filthy. Rumbas' whilst an even fainter voice cries in vain 'I'm 34, Brendan'.

They’re dancing to ‘Don’t Watch Me Cry’, a Jorja Smith song that I don’t know, and Karen’s dress looks just as bad as it did on ITT. It’s scrubs-green, with white bobbles on it and a white leotard beneath it. Wardrobe have generally treated Karen more respectfully than usual this series – and even in their previous routine – but this is hideous. Chris is wearing a feather-patterned shirt, which is very much ‘relatable bloke’ and very not ‘sexy Latin stallion’. Honestly, though, this is better than ‘Chris Ramsey rumba’ sounded on paper. They’ve gone more for the contempowaft vibe than a raunchy one which is probably sensible, and he actually performs the emotion quite well. His body is never going to be a natural fit for Latin and his footwork goes awry in the spins, but I thought it was as decent an attempt as he was ever going to be able to make given this is so far out of his wheelhouse. [Yeah, it wasn't a "good" dance necessarily but I thought he acquitted himself pretty well all things considered, and it was one of the more enjoyable dances of the night. - Steve]

Craig says it was the wrong dance on the wrong day, although I don’t think the celebs get much choice in these things, and this was one of the toughest draws of the semi. (Emma got a waltz!  That she didn’t even do very well!) Motsi says she loved the feel and she believed him in the performance, although she would have liked more rumba technique. Shirley said he executed one of the most difficult rumba steps ‘the three threes’ and there was real sensitivity in it. She says she enjoyed it ‘in a different way, not in a technical way’. Bruno says it wasn’t technically perfect by far, but he gave such honesty and depth of feeling that it was hard not to be moved by it.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia asks how hard it was to perform this dance and Chris said he thought Karen was moody when she was just acting. Scores: 4, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 28. Craig says ‘told you Craig hated me’. That 4 is really harsh, even for a semi where you want to bus the journey contestant hard. I mean it wasn’t an 8, either, but it wasn’t particularly more overmarked than – well, most things tonight.

Karim and Amy

Strengths and weaknesses: energetic, powerful, technically good, needs to tone it down and show more of his personality. They also have the most boring training VT – they want to get to the final. Guys, I love you but be something more interesting, please.

Their American Smooth is to ‘Sweet Caroline’ and does appear to be themed a little too saccharine-y for my tastes – all mid-century modern and twee in terms of setting, costume and music. [Also I found the campfire very distracting, because I kept worrying it was going to burn the set down. - Steve] It’s a lovely dance – well-performed and much more in his wheelhouse, with the only rough spot being where her vag gets stuck in his face while he lifts her and then her skirt ends up over his face for too long. It looks like that lift Ed and Katya did, so… not the best choice for a routine so clearly designed to be a 10 magnet.

Motsi says she sticks by her 10 – he had beautiful footwork and she really liked the shaping in his upper body which is hard in the slow foxtrot. Shirley says everything was great until the lift, which Was. Not. Good. She says that if they go through they should focus on his strengths and cut out bits that don’t work. Bruno says it was exquisite dancing and perfect storytelling. Craig agrees with Shirley, the lift was terrible, and there were so many better choices of lifts they could have gone for, but everything else was incredible.

In the Clauditorium we get a reminder that Karim is into ballroom, setting us up nicely for a ballroom vs Latin Karim vs Kelvin Woobies vs sexy villains final next week once Emma’s dispatched in third place. If they’ll still do that in a 3-person final, who knows, it’s been years. [They did not last time, no, and I think that's what led to us not even getting a clear fourth place any more. THANKS A LOT WILL YOUNG. - Steve] Scores: 9, 10, 9, 10 for a total of 38. Amy says Karim is the best person she’s ever taught (what, better than Brian Conley and Danny John Jules’s ego?  I’m shook) and he works really hard and she’s thankful for that ringer she was gifted as compensation for the previous two series.

Leaderboard:

1. Kelvin and Oti - 40+37=77

2. Karim and Amy - 36+38=74

3. Emma and Anton - 31+36=67

4. Chris and Karen - 26+28=54

Hmmm, wonder what that’s trying to tell us? I can’t see anything other than Chris going home against either Karim or Emma in the dance-off, but stranger things have happened. Karim’s paso, for one, badumtish.

Claudia opens the vote with everyone dressed as jockeys - ?!?!?!? Nancy is front and centre pulling focus again, give this woman more airtime next year please. Join me tomorrow to see who our finalists will be!