Sunday, 2 November 2008

Ain't it funny (how GMTV presenters can't dance)

Week 7 - results
Tx: 2nd November 2008

We're not live, but we're still in London, and this is Strictly! Come! Dancing! Couples - Bruce - Tess (who seems to be doing something Alesha-like with her skirt). Bruce is confused as he met a BBC executive who thought he was Ken Dodd. I think we know where this punchline is going, don't we? Yes...Bruce is not Doddy, Doddy he is not. Very muted applause, and that's more than he deserves.

Recap of all the hot backstage action. John and Kristina were bottom of the leaderboard, and they are used to threes. Kara Tointon thinks he is light on his feet; Brian Conley says John will be in the show for a very long time. Andrew and Ola did a sucky samba; he thinks he needs oil in the joints. Ew. Kate Garraway thinks Andrew is setting a trend for office parties; his daughters sneer that it's his signature move. I like Andrew's daughters; they seem to be very clear-sighted. Michelle Collins thinks the judges are mean to Heather. Craig isn't sure Heather can get any better. Cherie and James's salsa was worse than Heather and Brian's cha-cha-cha, but they got more points. Cherie sulked; James tried to reassure her. Arlene cannot believe she gave her a 6. Cherie's friend Jay says she is dancing for "our generation". Oh, that's OK then. Give her more marks. Arlene called Christine "dead wood" and Matthew snarfed. Then they laughed about Bruno's flexibility as he tried to show Christine how to point her toes. Len found it repulsive, but we find Len repulsive this series, so hey ho. Michelle Collins says that Jodie and Ian being "Mills and Boon" isn't bad, because Mills and Boon are popular. Jodie's aunt is proud of her. Len was an utter bastard to Rachel but still gave her an 8. She enjoyed dancing it; Rachel's gran liked it too. Tom did some caping; Len did not like it; we did not care. Nor did Camilla, who was more bothered about Craig liking it. Mark Foster enjoyed Tom's stubble. Lisa and Brendan did a Proper Tango; she had glittery eyeliner and a fabulous dress, and now she's brought out the big guns - her gran! Are any of these late-emerging grans a patch on Maureen and Clem? I think not. Oh, and a rugby player did quickstepping, wowee.

Bruce talks to the judges. Joke about Arlene being a slut. Len gave Austin and Erin a 10 because he can only judge what he sees; Austin had a great hold "which is hard for the male celebrities"; oh, and more nonsensical blah. Arlene says that Jodie has raised her game, and Lisa is close to the championship. In the House of Tesstosterone, Jodie and Lisa beam at each other and clap.

The professionals dance to Proud Mary. The ladies are in tasselly dresses. Lilia's is red, and her hair is in ringlets. Flavia and Camilla get little camera time; Kristina is awesome; Karen pulls crazy faces. Then Darren dances with Lilia, and Ian and Matthew share the other four between them. Ha. Random. Tess makes the celebs dance backstage with her. She claims that she and Vernon do those kinds of lifts at home all the time. If Andrew doesn't go tonight, he will have stayed in longer than any other GMTV presenter ever. Jodie got her highest score and hasn't stopped smiling since; more than that, she got praise from Brendan, which seems to have pleased her greatly.

Tess tells us that sportsmen do well on Strictly, and to give us a round-up - Gabby bloody Logan with her bloody husband and Matt bloody Dawson. Do we really want to hear about what rugby players have to say? No, we do not. This is filler, and more than that, it is filler using sporting metaphors, like we don't get enough of that. Yawn.

Bruce says we don't just lose celebrities, we lose professionals, so now to rectify that we're going to see Anton dancing with Flavia. What. The. Fuck. Seriously? It's some kind of Latin version of Let's Face The Music and Dance (because Anton dances BALLROOM and Flavia dances LATIN). And HAHAHA then Erin and Vincent stomp in, all angry at the loss of their partners; and Anton and Vincent dance for a bit before developing gay panic and dancing with their real partners, then swapping; then the ladies lift the gentlemen, and seriously this is actually brilliant!

Backstage. Next week Austin will be dancing a rumba. He is not looking forward to it, because it is slow, sexy and seductive, and he is none of the above. True fact. Tess is excited at the prospect of the guns re-emerging. There is an embarrassed silence. She moves on to talk to Cherie, who is looking forward to getting back to ballroom with a waltz. Tess plugs the Strictly website and her blog, and everyone laughs. She is unsure why.

This week on ITT - Adrian Chiles, Kate Garraway and Jason Donovan. And some celebs and their pro partners.

Bruno was disappointed in Cherie this week, because she is a gifted performer and she has not delivered. Craig thinks we are in danger of losing another man this week, preferably Andrew and John, and then descends into his usual "the public know fuck all" rant. Inadvisedly, he says that the public should avoid voting with their hearts. It's not US voting with our hearts, Craig - talk to the joker down the end of the panel.

Kelly Jones of the Stereophonics sings Handbags and Gladrags. Darren and Lilia dance. And so do Brendan and Hayley. All very nice. Except for the singing.

Time for results. Through to next week - Cherie and James; Austin and Erin; Jodie and Ian; Rachel and Vincent; Tom and Camilla; Lisa and Brendan; Christine and Matthew; John and Kristina. For. Fuck's. Sake.

Andrew and Ola v Heather and Brian in the dance-off, then. Len advises Heather and Brian to do what they did before, but not to go wrong. EXCELLENT advice, Head Judge Len. Imbecile. He tells Andrew and Ola to shake their maracas and to give it more of a carnival feel. If looks could kill, Ola would have done away with at least three people in the ballroom tonight. Heather and Brian dance first, and she seems like she's having more fun than "last" "night". Brian kisses her hair. Andrew looks ungainly and awkward, and Ola has her smile painted on.

Bruce congratulates everyone, and then it's over to the judges. Craig says the improvement was vast with both couples, but he is saving Heather and Brian. Arlene says she wants to cry "Help!" because they both improved, but Heather and Brian improved most. Bruno pouts, and then says that one couple should never have been in the bottom two, and they proved it - Heather and Brian.

That means Head Judge Len's opinion is once more officially redundant (though he would have concurred with the others), and Andrew Castle is OUT. [Having lasted exactly the same amount of time as Kate Garraway, I might add. Justice for Kate! - Steve] He thanks everyone behind the scenes, Bruce, Tess, the judges, and Ola, who is as "beautiful as she is talented". Think he should have reversed that, but still a nice sentiment. They do their last dance to The Way We Were; Ola showboats a bit, and we're out!

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