In the Bleak(ley) midwinter

Results show
Tx Sunday 30th November

Gosh, doesn't it seem like years ago that Jessie Wallace and Gillian Taylforth and Don Warrington were in this competition?

Anyway, we're in London, and we welcome our celebs and their partners, then our hosts Bruce and Tess (who seems to want to wield her skirt in a paso fashion. There is also a weird neck-tie thing going on, as well as a patent belt, and srsly, Tess, where has it gone wrong?). They enthuse about having twice as many dances and costumes (yay!) and twice as many judges' comments (boo! Bruce whips up the booing and hissing and then apologies to the panel).

Tonight we get two pro dances AND Estelle AND an elimination. AND nonsensical waste-of-time filler.

Christine and Matthew were bottom, with a stompy tango incorporating a loose spine. Christine says she really tried. Adrian Chiles says that she'll be thinking she let Matt and her friends and family down. AND THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR HER LAST WEEK, surely? Dom Littlewood sticks his fucking nose in again and suggests that the taxi is waiting for her. [Feel free to nab it off her, Dom. Don't let anything stop you from GETTING THE FUCK OUT. - Steve] Tom and Camilla were fourth, even though Len finally got it up and gave it to him. Camilla is incoherent with giggles and screeching, apparently. Arlene liked Tom's samba shirt. They know they may have to dance again. Rachel went to the Ola Jordan school of costumiery, and looked lovely, for which Sara Cox hates her. Bruno offered Rachel his bull; Len doesn't like Messing Abaaaaaaht. Rachel is nervous but hopes she will get kept in; Vincent hopes that even if the viewers don't keep Rachel in, they will keep him in. Heh. Austin was fired up because Craig told him he had sickled feet, and then did Riverdance at the start of the paso, which made Sara Cox laugh. THE FONZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "His bullfighter! I thought he was Spanish!" says the Fonz. What? And finally, Lisa and Brendan served up a buffet of gorgeous dancing, according to Len. Lisa cried with shock. Brendan did not hug her because he is engaged now and is not allowed to touch other laydeez. Expect many dances out of hold in the future. Lisa's sisters are pissed off that nobody is voting for her; Johnny Vaughan wants to motivate the stealthy male vote for Lisa. The Fonz says Lisa's cha-cha is the reason you go to see the dance. Lionel Blair thinks all five are terrific.

Bruce says, "It wasn't that good, but it was a lovely evening." Heh. Now time for a stupid skit where Bruce asks Len questions and the answers are "Sev-UUNNNN!" Everyone laughs. I do not. We finally get to the meat of the matter, and Len says there were some fantastic performances "last" "night", and these are the best five couples we have ever had. [Best four, anyway. - Georgi] [I can't even agree with that - I'm kind of bored with everyone who's left. They're all competent, but I'm not especially invested in any of them. - Steve] Bruno says Lisa rose to the challenge. Backstage, her jaw drops open, and Tom paws at her in congratulation. Craig says that Austin and Erin deserve to go through to next week because of the rugbiliciousness. "It is not often I get one of my tens out," he says, and everyone whoops. "I don't MEAN that," he puts in, but it is too late. Arlene is disappointed in Christine's shitness, when Lisa also used to be as inept as her and has improved. [Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember Lisa being that inept to start with. - Georgi] "It can't all be about smiling," she concludes, and everyone boos.

Now Darren and Lilia are doing a Latin medley. Lilia is wearing a bikini with a cockerel's comb tacked onto the side of the bottoms. Everyone claps along. Drink! Backstage, Tess declares it the dress of the series - "I thought she was going to lay an egg." Nobody laughs. Crashing on, Lisa doesn't feel safe still. Tom got HIS FIRST TEN but is still dangerously close to the bottom of the leaderboard. He requests the name and number of a good therapist. [I'm in favour of this - Tom can spend as much time as he likes talking about himself when he's paying someone to listen. - Steve] Tess tells Christine to keep smiling, and Christine whines about Arlene not wanting her to, which isn't what she said at all. Christine vows to work very hard if she gets through. Tom interrupts to say that he doesn't know how Christine and Lisa manage because they have day jobs, and the rest of them don't. HA. [I'm sure reading autocue for an hour every evening is exhausting. I agree about Lisa though. - Georgi] [SHUT UP, TOM. NOBODY ASKED YOU. GOD. - Steve]

Another pro dance. Anton is dancing with Flavia again; Karen is dancing with Brian; and Darren and Lilia are there too. OMG, then the music changes to Are You Gonna Be My Girl and Ola and James scoot on and then it's a bit like a quickstep-off - who can do the most energetic crazy footwork? If it were judged on crazy faces, obviously Karen would win. And bloody hell, the singers are CRUCIFYING this. Applause.

Bruce thanks the pros and then is in the audience talking to Elaine Paige whose hair looks like Eoghan's. She reckons everyone is fantastic, and unlike Len is very impressed by "Austin's contents". Heh. Her dream dance partner would be Vincent. Oh. My. God. Can you IMAGINE? Vincent sits backstage looking smug. Then Bruce turns round to talk to Louisa Lytton, who is jealous of Rachel for dancing with her boy. And then that's pretty much it.

Tess is talking to THE FONZ!!!!! He is very lovely. They flirt a bit. He says if he combined Rachel's two dances, he would give her about a thousand. That...doesn't make sense. [It makes mores sense than most of the scores Len's given out this year. - Steve] Tess thanks him, and he asks if she will stay sitting with him. Ha.

On It Takes Two this week...nothing, it looks like.

Bruce introduces our special guest, Estelle, performing American Boy. Obviously Brian is our Leading Man here [Did he graduate from the Brian Friedman school of Literal Choreography? - Georgi], with Ola, Karen, and Flavia, and James seems to be having some kind of duel via the medium of dance with him? I don't know. Estelle's vocals are really ropy. Perhaps she could join the Wonderful Strictly Singers.

Filler VT - not about how nobody wants to go home this time, but lots of talking heads of the dancers' families. Austin has put his life on hold; Tom doesn't want to go now; Lisa's sisters get upset - "her pain is OUR PAIN". Lisa keeps crying at her dad. Everyone in NORTHERN IRELAND is so proud of Christine. Rachel's grandma Pearl couldn't be prouder of her. Aw.

Our votes have been counted and verified, and it's the Moment of Truth. The three couples definitely through to next week - Tom and Camilla (who gets squished in a crazy bear hug); Austin and Erin; and Lisa and Brendan. That was really mean to leave Lisa till last. [Mean, but funny. I like Lisa, but it amused me that they were blatantly trying to scare the shit out of her. - Steve]

Len tells Rachel and Vincent to stay focused and dance like they did last time, and tells Christine to sort her posture out. Rachel and Vincent dance first; Christine and Matthew are second, and she really doesn't have the courage of her convictions with each move - she never seems quite sure where she's going. Anyway, I'm fairly sure we all know where this is going.

Over to the judges - Craig says both couples danced their hearts out, but he saves Rachel and Vincent; Arlene was concentrating so hard and urging both couples on, but has to save Rachel and Vincent; Bruno does a strange lopsided sardonic smile, and says it is hard for people to leave the show, but the couple who stood out was Rachel and Vincent.

So Christine and Matthew are out, and there is much hugging and kissing. Len would have agreed with the others. Christine laughs, and says she thought she would go in the first week. Bruce hopes Adrian Chiles doesn't sack her. Christine will miss Matthew more than anything, and then says that Len is her favourite judge. What the fuck?

They dance out to Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, incorporating an Irish jig. Vincent is crying like a baby. This show is so bizarre tonight, bitches. Anyway, that was the right result. Join us next week!