Go Go Go Joseph

Week Five Results: Sunday 23rd October 2016

Last night! The series followed its best show yet with its worst, as mediocrity reigned and only Ore and Danny really emerged with anything like dignity, and if we’re really going to only have a two-horse race from hereon in, it’s going to be a very long stretch. [Possibly in the prison sense. - Steve]

We open with a pro-dance themed around Thoroughly Modern Millie, set in a department store named ‘Goodman’s’ and featuring Janette as the heroine. Joanne is nowhere to be seen (edit: apparently she was there but it must have been a blink-and-miss it thing as I saw it three times and didn't pick that up), which might seem curious, given that she is playing the lead in the UK tour of this musical, but I suppose that might have looked too much like product placement. It’s mostly a lovely routine, with lots of razzle-dazzle and excitement-with more props than might be to some people’s taste, but I think they're deployed well given it's a musical theatre number and that's the kind of thing you'd see on stage. It’s also the annual ‘let’s shift the judges in somewhere and pretend that they still care about anything approaching being dancers’ routine: Len is the grumpy proprietor; Darcey a shopper trying on furs; Bruno being fitted for a suit; Craig having his shoes shone. None of them actually dance, but it’s probably for the best.

Tess and Claudia enter through the store doors: Tess carrying lots of luxury bags, Claudia a 5p carrier bag full of groceries. Daly dress watch: red with some black trim. What Winkleman’s wearing: black. Tess seems to have lost a lot of the robot garb from ‘last night’. Either that or she’s been upgraded to Tessbot 4K, one of those synths from Humans.

Recap of last night during which, as is customary, I will only be recapping the points of new information: Claudia has never dressed for Halloween before; Judge Rinder and Claudia's performances are shown as having an entirely good response despite the latter being a car crash and the former gaining its fair share of criticism. I guess they're saving precious filler time for a Halloween promo VT in a bit.

First set of safety results: Louise and Kevin; Claudia and AJ; Ore and Joanne; Judge Rinder and Oksana. The first couple in the dance-off are Lesley and Anton. I knew they were trying to slow that train down last night but I didn't expect the wheels to come off so soon.

Tess 'aww your little face's Lesley and Lesley says she's disappointed but it's OK.  Len says it was a full-on, proper tango, which had some mistakes and they need to iron those out in the dance-off.

In the Clauditorium with the first set of saved celebrities. Claudia says it's become serious all of a sudden. I'm not surprised - with dance-offs and injuries, it's like the anti-dance equivalent of a serial killer is on the loose with the cast this year. Louise blands that you can never know you're safe; Claudia (W) reveals that Ore is playing a 'grotesque shopkeeper' next week; Judge Rinder does a speech about the glory of teachers, saying Oksana is his teacher and one of his former teachers is in the audience tonight. Claudia (F) is all 'how come they didn't make your ex teachers embarrass you in a VT then, huh'?

Time for our mystery special guest: and arriving in a time capsule from 1999 is LeAnn Rimes. The most notable thing about LeAnn Rimes (other than her singing about 'kissing a boy' at 34 years old, which is probably an arrestable offence and certainly not something she should be bragging about on a prime time BBC light entertainment show, given, well, the history of such shows) is that when I was at university, I knew someone who pretended he was engaged to her, even going to the lengths of setting up a 'LeAnn463@yahoo.com' type email address for her. See, catfishing was alive and well, even in the 90s. [That is amazing, I want the full story next time I see you please. - Steve] Anyway, the song's a bit drippy, and Oti and Gorka writhe about looking orgasmic throughout, Oti presumably dreaming of the glitterball the whole time and possibly praying that Ore is the next victim of this series' injury curse. [I had a dream that that happened earlier this week. Yes, I am now having Strictly Come Dancing stress dreams. - Steve]

Len's Lens opens with House of Pain 'Jump Around' and some unholy dancing from our favourite foursome. We focus on Judge Rinder's toe heel swivel, featuring no heel and no swivel. Len used to love this step when he was a kid, apparently, and then he disappears into the rabbithole of childhood anecdotes. Retire already! We then have a look at some nice footwork from Anastacia, a reminder that Greg is a GOLD MEDAL OLYMPIAN who has NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE and who turns his feet in so badly it looks like he'll trip over his own shoes. Not that one of your recappers has this issue or anything. [My dad walks exactly like that, but that's what a lifetime in the merchant navy can do to a person. - Steve] Then we look at Ed nearly killing Katya and Bruno salaciously going 'she could have banged her head on the floor' as if Katya probably hasn't enough PTSD from it already.

Final set of results. Safe: Ed and Katya (she looks more relieved about this than him); Danny and Oti; Anastacia (who screams in disbelief, then apologises) and Gorka - meaning the dance-off is going to feature two new couples - and Greg and Natalie, leaving Daisy and Aljaž to dance off.  

I don't know if this can count as a 'shock bottom two' given that Daisy was pretty mid-table, but it does mean that it's unlikely Lesley will survive and very likely that Daisy vs Laura is happening very soon. I do feel a little for Daisy here, as I suspect she'd not have hit the bottom just yet were Laura still here, and whilst I thought the public might keep Anton and Aljaž a little while longer, this week really could have seen anyone but Danny or Ore hitting the dance-off.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia relishes in Greg having hated the cha cha and he said his performance was nowhere near as good as many other people's so he's grateful to stay in. Claudia says Anastacia gave her favourite reaction ever, screaming and then saying sorry. Anastacia says she forgot there was a microphone there and then proceeds to tap it and give Claudia palpitations. Anastacia <3 Claudia tells Danny as it's Halloween, he can put his clothes on, next week. Danny, in the voice of a Victorian orphan being allowed one scrap from a rich man's table, asks 'can I?'

And now the moment we've all been waiting for! A VT promo for next week, in which the pros are all texting each other about it. AJ appears to text Jo that it can't be scarier than her scores last week, which... I think they maybe scripted those texts in the wrong order. Anyway, the crux is that they're playing jokes on their celebs, which mainly means wearing masks, shouting 'boo!' and dropping toy spiders on the floor. These pro dancers really haven't lived, have they?

With the dance-off couples now and Claudia asks if Lesley's excited about dancing again. Lesley says it's kind of nice to be able to try and get it right. Anton says if it was down to him, he'd have put her straight into the final (and missed out choreographing all those salsas and sambas and stuff). Daisy says she really loves Lesley and Aljaž says she did a great job last night and he's looking forward to her doing the same again.

Lesley and Anton's tango has fewer mistakes than the first time, but her shoulder and hand are still sticking out at very awkward angles and it remains quite clunky, with the height mismatch still hindering it somewhat. Still, she laughs exhilaratingly at the end, which is nice. Daisy and Aljaž's charleston seems quite lacking in energy and being in the bottom two seems to have shaken her - it's still mostly well-executed and she's clearly safe, but I still feel quite cold towards it as a dance.

Craig saves Daisy and Aljaž for precision and an improved performance - and finishing on time (I'm not sure what that means - can anyone enlighten me?) [she was behind the beat the first time they did it - Steve]; Darcey says she wouldn't want these two couples but saves Daisy and Aljaž for their dance being cleaner and higher quality. Bruno saves them as well for having the stronger dance in every aspect and Len says he would have agreed.

The two couples have a set of touching hugs and chats and when Lesley comes over to Tess, the audience whoop and give her a standing ovation (as we cut to Daisy in floods of tears). Lesley says she's loved dancing and working with Anton and it's been a lovely time. Anton thanks her for enriching his Strictly experience and pushing him to be more creative and being an absolute joy to work with. From something that seemed an unhappy pairing at the launch show, these two seem to really have clicked and it's been one of my favourite Anton pairings. They jig off to 'Right Back Where We Started From' and it takes forever for the rest of the couples to come on and send them off. Everyone is super tearful about her leaving in the post-show VTs, aww. Next week! Halloween! Louise says she was hoping to get through to Halloween. Sure Louise, you were really worried that wasn't happening. [Also nobody "just wants to get to Hallowe'en", I'm with Rinder on this one. - Steve] Join Steve then to see what fresh horrors await!