Clarafication

Week 4: Top 9 Perform - 14 November 2020

Last week! Moviecalsandtv week part 1 brought us a beautiful DreamGirls foxtrot, a funny Hercules Charleston, a wonky version of 'Elsa' and THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. Now, it’s Strictly lore that the week after a theme week is usually a bit crackers. This is most evident in BLACKPOOL hangover week, of course, but it’s worth remembering that (I say to myself as much as anyone), not least as this week’s show comes after a week of nightmares in which Katya and Nicola, Rylan and Motsi were all forced to sit out and the production team will no doubt have been scrabbling to adjust. What I’m saying is, that if madness ensues tonight, as it surely will, well, there are reasons why everything might feel a bit off-kilter. That, and Simpsonsdance has fried everyone’s brains – much like all major catastrophes, we are all just trying to readjust to what life looks like in the aftermath and mourning for before when everything seemed so good and pure.

We open with a little pre-credits montage of everyone saying it’s hard work but they’re enjoying it, and it’s all very wholesome, if a little rote.

To the credits! Such an innocent time when Anton was kept confined to being first boot and sitting in the background, I miss it already.

Tess and Claud enter, both in black dresses, but Tess’s is sparkly velvet and Claud’s has a suit vibe. Both looking good – their Saturday outfits have generally been an improvement this year. The judges enter: Shirley in a taupe sparkly dress, Guest Judge Anton in a classic tux with bow tie, and Craig in a black shirt and navy jacket. Anton is grinning like the cat that got the cream and already I’m cursing Steve that the two weeks I got to recap involve both Simpsonsdance and Anton getting way too much screen time. [Yeah, but just wait until you see what I've got coming. - Steve, Writing From The Future]

(Look, much as I’d have preferred Erin/Ian/Kevin/Jo/Any other former pro, I get it would be hard to use someone who isn’t already part of the production given everything that’s going on. But I also can’t pretend I wouldn’t have rather they went down the hilarity route of giving Graziano and/or Nancy some lines. Or just had Motsi on a screen, which is what I’d been hoping they’d do. Still, I will do my best to be fair on him, even if my body is threatening to cringe itself inside out. It’s not even him so much as all the rabid Anton stans who think he wuzrobbed any time they cast a new judge and think of him as a LEGEND rather than annoying gurn-and-ego factory who peaked in series 1 save for a couple of komedy highlights with Nancy and Susannah and OK I’ll grudgingly admit his partnership with Lesley Joseph was sweet).

Claud jokes that Anton needed ‘much persuasion’ and ‘reluctantly’ took the role and Anton says he’ll try to be much more generous than Craig and Shirley have been to him over the years.

Our couples enter: Caroline and Johannes; Max and Dianne; Clara and Aljaz; JJ and Amy; Maisie and Gorka; Ranvir and Giovanni; Jamie and Karen; HRVY and Janette; and Bill and Oti.

As usual, Max is the only one not dancing to the theme tune. Mate, after last week let’s not kid ourselves you’re too ‘cool’ for these larks. Everyone then whoops and hollers really loudly to make up for the lack of studio audience. Tess and Claudia tell us that Nicola and Katya have had to withdraw but reassure us that they’re both feeling fine and self-isolating don’t call Ofcom.

HRVY and Janette

Their VT is all about how they have salsa, which is Janette’s favourite dance. She says that whilst she’s from Cuba and has been dancing it all her life, the dance comes from several places and also has its origins in Puerto Rico, Colombia and Venezuela, which was quite educational, thanks Janette! We also get some home videos of Janette salsaing with her family and talking some more about how much she loves it, and HRVY says he’s doing it for Janette’s family. What is this, couple’s choice?

They’re dancing to ‘Dynamite’ which I can never sing along to without singing ‘with a little fucking soul’ because I am twelve. (See also: ‘I wanna fuck, I wanna F.F.U.F.U.C.K.’ when singing ‘Step Back in Time’ by Kylie) [Wow, we are the EXACT same person. - Steve] Generally this is well danced, but the problem is that because he’s a DIRTY RINGAH I want something exceptional from him, and I don’t really get that here. I don’t think it’s anywhere near as good as Janette’s salsa with Jake – possibly because there are fewer gimmicks, possibly due to his performance expressions always being ‘grin blandly’. The lifts are complex but that’s mostly due to Janette being the world’s leading expert throwing herself around. For his part, HRVY looks a bit awkward and uncomfortable with them, especially in the dismounts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very energetic and fun, and should do a lot better for him than last week’s performance, but I think it could have been more.

Tess thanks them for reminding us what a party feels like and we welcome the singers (I can see Jamie, Andrea and Tommy, and maybe Hayley?), Dave Arch and the orchestra.

Tess asks Shirley if he’ll do better on the leader board this week and she says she doesn’t know but he led well and it’s not easy to throw Janette over here then do the pot-stirrer, and, I dunno, I think Janette could pretty much do all of those things without accompaniment, what I’d really want to see is the roles reversed. Anton says all he could see was ‘YES YES YES’ and he calls it fluid and perfect, and he throws in a Len ‘wurtcha’ because we all missed those. Craig says the footwork still needs work and the transitions in and out of lifts were stilted (TRUTH), as they need to look more like they come out of nowhere and take you by surprise, but the timing was great and the overall feeling was hot, hot, hot.

Janette screeches up to the Clauditorium and the slow-mo recap shows a bit where they’re out of sync with one another, le oop. In the Clauditorium, HRVY says he’s glad he didn’t drop her. Scores: 8, ‘It’s Never Too Early for a 10 from Shirley’, 9 for a total of 27 and the first 10 of the series. I’m with Craig, that was an 8 all over.

Our terms and conditions guest this week is Craig David who is standing in front of a wall with butterflies and roses painted on and reads them as slowly as possible. Claudia says he can get back to ‘what we all know you love doing on a Saturday’. Hee.

Ranvir and Giovanni

Last week, they topped the scores with a beautiful foxtrot. This week? A cha cha cha in the death slot, so I suspect they won’t be repeating that.  The training footage doesn’t look hopeful and Ranvir says she doesn’t always feel comfortable in her body because ugh the patriarchy.

They’re dancing to ‘Oye Como Va’ and from the start you can see she’s uncomfortable. (Her ugly peach and pink dress isn’t helping matters) Her face throughout reads ‘get me out of this dance’, an expression we know from so many grim cha cha chas of yore. She has really good rhythm and clearly knows what all the steps involve, but never really allows herself to relax into the routine so it looks a bit awkward and stilted throughout.

Anton says he absolutely loved it and says she should have no hangups about how she looks because she looks sensational. He praises her hip work again and then repeats how good-looking she is, and it feels a bit creepy uncle at this point, just say it once and move on, Anton. He then does another patented Len clap hands and point before saying ‘you are fabulous’. God, if Anton’s ‘how to judge’ plan is just imitating one of the other judges there are so many better choices for inspo: taking Bruno’s coke, inhaling Alesha’s wine and nibbles, wearing one of Motsi’s amazing wigs, saying ‘core’ umpteen times (just kidding Darcey, I would much rather they’d got you back in this week)… Craig  says it was a bit too ‘laid-back’ and heavy for him, with her feet being a bit ‘pigeon-toed’ and ‘sickled’ (DOUBLE DRINK) but he thinks she’s great. Shirley loves their chemistry but needs a straighter leg action and she needs to work on her foot placement more.

In the Clauditorium, Ranvir won’t look at the monitor and says she can’t even look at mirrors in the training room and that makes me really sad, can someone please douse her in some self-esteem? [Honestly, I can relate. When I was having dance lessons I once caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and saw what my limbs and face were doing and I'm not sure I ever fully recovered from that. - Steve] She gets a video call from Susanna Reid who says she’s inspiring and they’re so proud of her. Scores: 5 (oof), 7, 8 (LOLWUT) for a total of 20.

Claudia points out that Bill and Oti will be dancing to ‘Rapper’s Delight’ which is Tess’s favourite song, and Tess genuinely does seem excited saying she’s waited 16 years for it. I don’t know if they’re being entirely serious or not, but I think we did discover a few years ago that Tess’s music taste had an unexpected hip-hop bent, so I fully believe them.

Max and Dianne

Last week: THAT. This week he’s been watching Fred Astaire in prep for his American Smooth and says he’s going to be ‘channelling a bit of Freddie’ (Freddie?! The SACRILEGE, Anton will be fuming). [Also, that just make me think of the lyrics to 'Grace Kelly' by Mika. - Steve]

They’re dancing to ‘It Had to Be You’ and Dianne is wearing a green dress with gold and white trim that would be absolutely perfect for a Christmas cocktail party if ever such things exist again one day. Max is in a black velvet jacket with dark grey shirt, trousers and tie (although the tie is askew). The dance itself is all Dianne – she’s flinging herself around a la Janette, but Max looks a bit awkward and hunched, and is doing a weird guppy thing with his mouth.

Craig says he was playing it too safe and didn’t have style or flair, with his arms being haphazard and his hands like spatulas (he’s getting all his cliches out tonight). Shirley says he looks like a dashing gentleman and coped quite well with the lifts but he needs to listen to the music more. Anton says ‘it’s difficult to ignore Craig, but it’s worth persevering with’ (OK, he can have that one) and says Max has a wonderful skill to partner Dianne and ‘give her time’ to do what she was doing, which is the most dressed-up way of saying ‘you let your pro do all the work’ I’ve heard in a while. He says Max has a great top line – or at least a good left arm and a limp right one.

In the Clauditorium we get a video message from Max’s partner (I assume? We were never told) and dog, saying they miss him. Scores: 5, 7, 8 for a total of 20. Is Anton going to find any critical faculty tonight?

Also, apparently at some point Max done a swear according to Claudia's apology later in the episode, but I missed it (twice) so answers on a postcard? [It was pretty hard to make out but there was some sort of celebratory f-word when they finished, I think. - Steve]

JJ and Amy

Their VT sees JJ doing a military in lieu of being able to last week and says the Marines custom made him a uniform for this week, with all the correct badges. Then his video call trumps all the boring partners and parents and Susanna Reids with a PRINCE HARRY whose Invictus games JJ credits with changing his life. Prince Harry’s house is very neutral coloured with some interesting black nest style prints on the wall, and he takes the mick out of JJ’s shorts, shoes and socks because BANTZ. Harry tells JJ he’s proud of him. Also: seriously, when are we breaching the ‘Royal’ category on this show, we had the Viscountess, now I want MORE. I’m not expecting one of the main ones but surely they could stretch for an Autumn Phillips or a Victoria Hervey? [I reckon they could get Beatrice or Eugenie. - Steve]

Anyway, JJ and Amy are coming in HARD for the grandparent vote tonight - if that VT wasn’t enough, he’s in his full military garb, she’s in a Land Girl-inspired jumpsuit with victory rolls and they’re jiving to ‘Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy’. He’s performing quite well in terms of looking like he’s having fun without taking it too seriously. He isn’t, however, dancing too well. There are a couple of nice side-by-side hops but there’s also a lot of off-time kicking and a lack of bounce. They might need those grandparent votes tonight.

Shirley says he has a great vertical line for ballroom, but for jive his posture needs to be more forward to give him flexibility. She praises Amy for adjusting the choreography for his disabilities. Anton praises him for looking smart and he says it’s nerve-wracking to dance out of hold, but JJ didn’t seem too nervous and ‘Lance Corporal, I salute you.’ (Can you IMAGINE the nans at that moment?). Craig gets in his ‘lack of kicks and flicks, retraction, flat-footed, laboured’ and he is absolutely on a bet with someone to throw in every one of his catchphrases, isn’t he? And we still have a Charleston to come, hold me. He gets a little boo and snaps back ‘ten people booing doesn’t scare me, darling’. Hee.

In the Clauditorium, JJ says he got special permission to have the uniform on and it was specially tailored, and he was doing it for all the service personnel. Scores: 4, 6, 7 (Like Len 90% of the time, Anton appears to have no paddle lower than 7) for a total of 17. Now we know why they didn’t do this last week can you imagine the headlines about all the DISRESPECT of 4-ing a war porn on Remembrance Sunday?

Maisie and Gorka

Their VT features a guide to the key steps in cha cha interspersed with Maisie video-calling fellow EE/Strictly alums Davood Ghadami, Uncle Jake Wood and Emma Barton (Who has a STAGE DOOR sign on her mantelpiece, Caroline Quentin better up her game).

They’re dancing to ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ and begin as two dolls doing stilted movements before Gorka doll chucks away Maisie doll’s phone (to be fair, Gorka, there are a helluva lot of EE alumni to call, she’s probably not even had time to get onto Phil Daniels yet). They then go into the cha cha proper and it’s a lot better than Ranvir’s but Maisie is doing really weird things with her face, alternating between duckface and grimace, and it’s really off-putting. Like HRVY’s salsa, overall it’s competent, but not setting the world on fire. They then go back into their doll lives at the end and, honestly, Maisie seemed to be enjoying those bits more than the main routine, let’s hope we’re not giving the producers the idea to add ‘ROBOT’ to Couple’s Choice next year (although could CC get any worse at this point probably not). [Yeah, this one felt a little bit 'death by theming', I just don't understand why there's any need to chuck all THAT at it when it's not even a theme week. - Steve]

Anton says it gave him glee because ‘the cha cha cha is VILE, I can’t stand it’. So, yeah, the cha cha has been getting quite the reputation on this show as the suckiest dance (which begs the question why it’s the only dance nearly everyone does these days), and yeah, Anton vs Latin is a running gag, but that’s the kind of comment that might seem cute in a guest stint, but if he were to ever get a permanent judging gig (WHICH: NO THANKS), he’d need to knock that on the head very quickly because it’s just so grating. Imagine if one of the other judges was all ‘yeah but Foxtrot is BORIN’ or 'Viennesse Waltz is shit, it only exists in case we get to see someone vom, and they never bloody do'. He says she coped well but she needs to turn her feet out more and relax as she seemed quite ‘tight’. Craig says she did look like she had a rod planted through her back and that the ‘robot’ stuff needed more isolation. I can’t believe we’re critiquing the specificity of the Robot. However, he loved the overall feel. Shirley says she can see Maisie’s been taking on the critiques, but when she hits something sharp with her feet, the body needs to continue and demonstrates what she means, which seems like helpful advice.

In the Clauditorium, we hear that Gorka’s been lifting up her feet and re-placing them in training and Maisie says she felt the pressure to do well because of how much she talks about liking Latin. Gorka says she did well in ‘four days’. Four? So much for the giving your whole life over to this show narratives. Scores: 7, 8, 9 for a total of 24.

We get a mid-way leaderboard featuring HRVY at the top and JJ at the bottom, and all the people who still mess about with VWLS in the middle.

Bill and Oti

This week’s Super Special Couple’s Choice VT is all about Bill’s career. He talks about loving music but not enough to make it a career in its own right, which is why he likes to combine it with comedy. We don’t see any of his family or friends, and I respect him for managing to keep his private life private, I imagine the producers will be less excited about that, though.

Their Couple’s Choice to ‘Rapper’s Delight’ with a smattering of ‘Good Times’ feels a bit more ‘street commercial’ than the others we’ve seen this series. The story is that they’re gangstas or business people or something in 80s New York, and they re-do a lot of the moves we saw Chucky Venn and Karen do in the first year of Couple’s Choice, like the sitting down bits and hat swap bits, so it doesn’t feel as exciting as seeing that routine did when it was something new and fresh. However, to be fair on Oti/the guest choreographers, this routine does have a lot of what the judges would call ‘content’ throughout. It’s fast and there are a ton of different moves in it. When they’re in sync it looks great, but there are also several moments where Bill doesn’t execute the moves as cleanly as Oti which stands out more as a lot of it is side-by-side. It’s easily the most entertaining, well-danced and genre-identifiable CC this series, which is not a difficult feat, and I enjoyed it. But does it justify keeping Couple’s Choice this year when they are already all dancing fewer genres, and especially bringing it in early in the series rather than as a ‘treat’ for getting quite far? Nope. Does it deserve anything other than the standard CC 8s? Probably not. Now give me some filthy dirty rumbas already, series 18. [PREACH. - Steve]

For those keeping track of the balance of dances thus far, by the end of tonight we’ll have had: Cha Cha Cha x6; Paso Doble x5; American Smooth x5 (would have been six if Nicola danced this week); Couple’s Choice x4; Jive x4; Foxtrot x3; Tango x3; Quickstep x3; Samba x3; Salsa x2; Waltz x2; Viennese Waltz x2; Charleston x2; Argentine Tango/Rumba x0.

Tess praises Bill for not even being out of breath. Craig calls him the ‘king of pop and lock’ and points out Bill is 9 days younger than him. He says he was amazed with the detail and Bill hit every single line. Shirley says details come with hours of work and she bets their training schedule is rigorous. She says all men at home need to get up and move like Bill. Anton says he thought Bill doing hip-hop could be a mid-life crisis (says the MLC’s walking embodiment) but he liked that Bill fully committed and didn’t just treat it as a comedy routine.

In the Clauditorium, Oti calls him ‘Bill Bailey’ some more and I do miss Monkseal because here’s where he’d be polling us all to determine whether her doing this is still endearing or is becoming grating. Scores: 8, 10 (for being a ‘true inspiration’), 9 for a lolleriffic 28. Oti collapses on the floor. Other than illness or injury, is there anything stopping them winning this series now?

Caroline and Johannes

Caroline is the recipient of the classic ‘scores the same every week’ Strictly journey story, having scored 21 each week so far – I’m kind of surprised no-one else has that honour, given a three-judge panel making it more likely. Their VT is one of those ‘we name each day of the week’ ones and much as I love this couple, that’s not a VT storyline I am in any way here for, go back to another theatre and EMOTE next week plsthnx.

They’re waltzing to that Strictly standard ‘With You I’m Born Again’ and Caroline gets to do a version of the ho pose from the opening credits, only it’s dulled a bit by not being able to fan herself in a SRS waltz. The routine is mostly well-danced, and she performs well, but the height problem is a real issue here, with them each stretching to meet the other, resulting in a couple of awkward moments and some gapping.

Shirley praises her developpés and ankle shape and tells her to keep working on that footwork. She says there was a lovely natural turn but she also missed a heel turn, and she says to be ‘in with a chance’ (of what, she doesn’t specify), Caroline needs to keep working on her footwork. Anton says ‘if this was an excuse me dance’ he’d be up and asking her to ditch Johannes for him. Caroline goes along with it (and gives Johannes quite the forceful shove) even though we all know she will have had a ‘definitely no Anton’ demand on signing up. He says she had a great whisk with a beautiful rise, but he would like her to cover more ground and bend her knees more, though he could see the height difference was an issue. Craig says there was a bit too much gapping, but it was beautiful and elegant and she tells a story well.

In the Clauditorium, Caroline says every synapse in her brain has been firing and it’s a difficult dance. She says she was thrilled because she came here to learn that and although she doesn’t feel she’s learned it completely, she’s on her way. Claudia reminds her she’s got 21 the last three weeks. Scores: 7, 7 (at which Caroline goes ‘Oh no 21 again’!) but Anton 7ed JJ so obviously he’s going to give this 8 for a total of 22.

Jamie and Karen

Last week they decided to lean into their comedy leanings, which suited them well and gave them their best score of the series. This week they have a samba and Karen says it’s all about mirroring so we have a VT gag where they learn to mirror and Jamie ends up becoming more and more like Karen, up til dressing the same as her in a crop top and leggings and wearing a Karen mask. AND they’re in identical traditional mens’ outfits this week. See, these are the gender-bending antics I was after from these two. Put Jamie in a ballgown next week please.

Their samba is to ‘Bamboleo’ and, again, it’s a lot of fun. Karen gives good samba anyway, yet this is the opposite vibe to the SEX FIEND routine she did with Chucky Venn. She and Jamie are dressed like members of a Mariachi band, and it’s a striking image, but the costumes do mask some of the movement and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing in this case. Of all the party Latin tonight this one seems like the most fun and it’s actually technically a lot better than I thought Jamie was capable of. They’re both kind of shocked by the end, and someone lets off some streamers which completely swamp Karen.

Tess exclaims ‘watching you dance makes me so happy’ and Jamie gasps ‘so much shaking’. Anton calls it fabulous and he says his own history with samba has usually been disastrous so he appreciates a good one. He says there was a lot of bounce and they have a great partnership which comes through in the mirroring. Tess says ‘Craig, please tell me it made you happy’ and he says it did indeed make him happy, at which they turn and give him some bum wiggles, and he really loved it though he could have done without the batucadas at the end. Shirley says it’s one of the better sambas she’s seen on Strictly (I call shade) and it was full of enthusiasm, and she saw Karen controlling him at one point to stop him going off on one, but they have a great partnership over all.

In the Clauditorium they start playing with one of the glitterballs. Jamie says they’ve been playing hide and seek with the bounce all week and Karen says he didn’t even have it 25 mins before they went on and Jamie replies ‘it was hiding on the dance-floor all along, who knew!). I love him. Scores: 8, 8, and (‘I mean it’s a samba’) 9 for a total of 25. Karen is baffled by that, but I’m baffled by most of the scoring tonight and it’s probably no weirder than anything else that’s happened.

Clara and Aljaz

Interesting pimp slot placing for a couple who’ve been a bit under the radar so far. Shirley says there are ‘no rules’ for the Charleston, and can we please find some rulebooks somewhere before everything descends into Couple’s Choice? Anyway, Clara is very excited about having a sparkly dress because thooopafan. I don’t want to moan too much about the VTs this series because a: they’re better than some of the comedy ones of yore and b: lockdown, but… they are a bit boring, aren’t they?

They’re dancing to ‘Baby Face’ and Clara’s very Josephine Baker in her look, with Aljaž playing, well, dapper-but-goofy hunk, his usual role. It’s set in a perfume store, and she’s a customer sexually harassing him. Like Jamie (and unlike most of the others), Clara seems to actually be enjoying the routine, and it really aids the dancing, because she seems to relax into it well. It’s very light and in-sync and whilst it’s not as technically complex as some of the best Charlestons we’ve seen over the years, it’s still very good, and if it’s been storyboarded to be her breakthrough dance, then: job done.

Tess asks Craig if he saw enough swivel and he says ‘I don’t want to see it again… until the final’ so that’s him getting his 9 out, then, and Aljaž and Clara know this. It’s interesting how they react: he punches out with a huge gaping mouth and she shrinks and blushes a little. God tonight’s a bit depressing from a gender politics POV isn’t it? I do miss Motsi here as well, as I think she’d have been able to boost Ranvir and Clara’s self-esteem a bit more. Shirley is almost speechless and she says she hasn’t been Clara’s highest scorer this series, but tonight she saw a massive transformation and it was absolutely brilliant. Anton says when you rehearse a routine all week, you want it to go like that and he’s had a wonderful night and she’s topped it all off. Not about you, hun.

In the Clauditorium, Clara can’t really breathe or speak and Aljaž says he loves dancing with her and she really takes the critiques and works hard. Clara says HIIT, 5K, nothing compares to the Charleston and Claudia pushes her to say she’d like more than a 6 this week from Shirley. Scores: 9, 10, 10 (‘well, it was only perfect’) for a total of 29. Claudia says she wishes she could hug them and Clara bursts into messy tears.

So let’s have a look at the Topsy Turvy Leaderboard:

1. Clara and Aljaz - 29
2=. HRVY and Janette - 27

2=. Bill and Oti - 27

4=. Jamie and Karen - 25

4=. Maisie and Gorka 25

6. Caroline and Johannes - 22

7=. Ranvir and Giovanni - 20

7=. Max and Dianne - 20

9. JJ and Amy - 17

So that’s… almost a reversal of last week. Say what you like about this series but they’re keeping it interesting in terms of having no clear 'good' and 'bad' sets of contestants now that Jacqui and Jason have left. And whilst I think some of the scoring was questionable tonight, I think the overall ranking of the couples is probably about right, and it’s very hard to call who might be going. On the surface, it looks like JJ vs Max, with JJ leaving, but I don’t know how high Ranvir, Caroline or Maisie’s support is going to be, and if JJ’s nostalgia-fest cornered the grandparent vote, I think we might be in for an upset.

We then video call with Motsi, in a star-filled dress. I miss you Motsi! Hope everything’s OK with your dance studio after the break-in! She says everyone was fantastic and she’s delighted that Clara came through because she’s seen that she had power in her all along. She then opens the vote as everyone dances along, Aljaž looking at himself in the monitor the whole time as if he’s on ITT and expecting a caption to come along.

Join me tomorrow to see who goes home and whether ‘dance debrief’ descends into The Anton Show or not.