Hit the road, Jacq

Week 2: 12 Couples Results - 1 November 2020

We begin with a spoopy Hallowe'en pro dance, where Janette plays a young girl wandering through a creepy fairground where she immediately encounters the most horrifying thing imaginable: Anton Du Beke. They do a bit of Viennese waltzing to 'Que Sera Sera' and he gives her a coin with which to operate the Fortune Teller machine, which contains a very sinister-looking Luba. Luba gives Janette her fortune, which is clearly not good, as the music transitions into 'I Ran' by A Flock Of Seagulls, and the rest of the pros emerge as various creatures of the night to torment Janette and overpower her and, because it's Janette, chuck her in the air a bit for good measure. It ends with the rest of the creatures of the night wandering off cackling to themselves, leaving Janette trapped inside the fortune teller's box, while Luba stares icily into the camera. [Loved it. Luba gives good villain - Rad] And because this is BBC1 teatime family viewing, as soon as it's over, Luba runs over to hug Janette just so all the kids in the audience know it isn't real.

Tess and Claudia return, both in outfits that are largely less successful than those we had last night: Tess is in a short sequinned dress with big shoulders and Claudia's in a black top with bronze wide-legged sequinned trousers. Claudia thanks Elizabeth Honan for choreographing the group number, and Tess reminds us that all the pro dances were recorded earlier this year when the pros became a household.

Coming up: Sam Smith, the return of Dance Debrief (and Bruno!), and the very first dance-off of the series. The judges return - Shirley now in white, Motsi in black and silver, and Craig still in black, but this time black with sequins. Hey, it's a step in the right direction. Shirley says that she never really likes this part, but particularly on this series because everybody brought their A-game last night.

Before we find out who the first couple in the dance-off is, here's Bruno with the round-up of last night. In terms of the bits we haven't already seen: Max says it was nerve-wracking but he enjoyed it, Giovanni calls Ranvir "a beautiful butterfly", JJ says he had the best time, Jacqui was told by somebody to leave it all on the pitch and that's what she did [so presumably she'll have nothing left for a dance-off, should she end up there? - Rad], Clara felt really in character and had a lot of fun, Jamie thought it was pretty exhilarating (and Bruno says he's "not quite Fred Astaire yet, but a great improvement"), Caroline thinks she's been given permisson to take risks, Jason just wanted to go out there and leave it on the dance floor, Bruno thinks Nicola was "fresh, relevant, inspiring", and Nicola thought her routine was awesome, HRVY doesn't know how he and Janette got another nine, Bill loved every minute of his quickstep, Bruno loved the arch of Maisie's back (or possibly Gorka's) and Maisie just wants to keep doing this forever because she's having the best time.

For the first time this year, Tess has the Cue Cards Of Doom in her hand, and it's time to find out which couples are safe, and who is in danger. In no particular order, the following couples are safe: Nicola and Katya, HRVY and Janette, Caroline and Johannes, Ranvir and Giovanni ("thank you! thank you! thank you!", oh that's back again) and JJ & Amy. And the first couple in the dance-off is... Jamie and Karen. He winces, and makes his way over to Tess in a socially-distanced way. "That's not good, is it?" he says. Hee! Bless him. He says that if this is their last dance, they're going to go out and do it and have the best time. Craig is asked to give him some advice, and says to focus on that ballroom section because that's what the judges will be looking for - he needs to remember what Karen told him, because he's a smashing dancer, despite everything Craig has said up to now. Did he have a cocktail during the break, perhaps?

Now, the show has managed to come up with Covid-resistant ways of doing almost everything... except for the bit where Claudia talks to the safe couples. Instead, we have what she's calling "a caterpillar of dance" - she speaks to each of the couples individually, and they form a socially distanced queue up the steps while they wait for their turn. It is, in all honesty, quite stilted and awkward, but I can't really think of a better way of doing it, so let's just embrace it. Nicola and Katya are up first, and Nicola wants to thank everybody who voted. Claudia says that Years And Years were watching and loved what Nicola and Katya did with their song, and Nicola says she's got a new passion now - she's a dancer, baby! Then they're sent on their way ("don't touch anything!" Claudia warns) and the next couple in line step forward: JJ and Amy. JJ says when you're standing there waiting to hear the results, you realise how much you care, and how much you don't want to go home. He says he's learned to go easier on himself - he couldn't do anything four weeks ago, and he needs to remember how far he's come since then. They move on, and Caroline and Johannes come in. Johannes tells us that their Movie Week routine will be to Caroline's favourite movie, which apparently is a surprise to Caroline. Onward with Ranvir and Giovanni, and Ranvir's been having a weird existential moment now that she's realised that she's actually on Strictly, and she's very grateful to everyone who voted for her to have another week of it. They shuffle out, and HRVY and Janette step forward, where he says how lovely all the fans have been, and also he calls Nana Joyce and said sorry for getting tearful. Janette tips us off as to what they'll be doing for Movie Week: gnomes. No, seriously: gnomes. [LE SIGH - Rad]

Y'know, I saw a tweet earlier that likened this whole experience to a meet and greet, and you know specifically which meet and greet it reminded me of? That Avril Lavigne one. No touching!

Before the triumphant return of Bruno, it's time for a performance from Sam Smith, with their new single 'Diamonds'. Sam is wearing a bolero-style outfit not entirely dissimilar to what Johannes turned out in for this week's paso doble, and normally I would suggest we do a "who wore it best?" poll here, but I think we all know the answer is Johannes. Sorry Sam. Anyway, this also provides an opportunity for Neil and Nancy to get some much-needed screen time by doing a showcase routine on the floor, at the requisite minimum two metres away from Sam, obviously. (For anyone who missed this particular piece of info, I believe that Neil, Nancy, Graziano and Nadiya have formed their own bubble so that they can be available to dance for the guest performers.)

Afterwards, we're back in Claudia's area for Socially Distanced Dance Debrief: gone is the sofa, and now each judge has their own seat at a safe distance from each other, with a small coffee table in the middle, so the whole thing reads a bit more like Newsnight Review. Craig likens the whole thing to high tea, and asks what Claudia is serving tonight. Sadly, Claudia does not reply "scalding hot tea, hunty!" Anyway, Bruno is more socially distanced than anyone else, appearing as he is via video link from LA. (They even seem to have given him a Zoom backdrop that just about blends in with the studio wall behind him, which is a nice touch.) Anyway, I look forward to the inevitable point during this series where Bruno starts chatting and gesticulating wildly and Claudia has to tell him that he's on mute. Or possibly the point where Claudia has no option but to put him on mute, it could go either way. Anyway, Bruno says he loves the pods that they're sitting in for the main show: "you look like Daleks in glamour gear". 

Shirley opens by discussing Bill and Oti, and specifically his central line (not the Central Line, erstwhile bane of my life, just to clarify): Shirley says that on the first show, everything was out of alignment, but this time everything was on a beautiful vertical line. Claudia reminds Shirley about the "frame of shame" that Oti made for Bill during training, and Shirley says that top professional dancers use those, and it's a credit to Bill that he even attempted to use it because it's not comfortable. Motsi elaborates on Max and how much potential he has with his legs and his neck - as long as he can co-ordinate everything, then he will be dangerous. Claudia suggests that Motsi should have her own branded perfume called that. I would buy it.

Craig talks a bit more about Nicola, who he thinks was amazing because she danced with her heart and her soul, which is one of the most important things. BUT NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THUMBS, am I right. Socially distanced Bruno wants to talk about Jason and Luba, with a performance that Bruno felt was as bright as the costume. Bruno thinks you can't knock someone down for giving it all they have - Jason needs to work on his technique, but he sold it. Claudia asks Bruno if he disagreed with the others tonight - he says it would be unfair for him to interfere with the others, because they're doing a fantastic job. I seem to remember him having little problem interfering with whoever ends up sitting next to him, but that's another story.

After a trailer for It Takes Two, the official Strictly podcast, Tik Tok, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Bebo, MySpace, Geocities, Club Penguin and Habbo Hotel, which now also apparently includes some BBC3 stuff involving Blu Hydrangea and the queens from Drag Race UK, Tess is back with the Cue Cards Of Doom. The following couples are safe and through to Movie Week: Bill and Oti, Maisie and Gorka, Max and Dianne, and Clara and Aljaž. I know this bit isn't fun for anyone, but you know who really wasn't enjoying it at all? Clara. (Not that I'm surprised: she's a fan of this show, I'm sure she's well aware of this show's history regarding black women and the public vote, and she was low enough on the leaderboard to probably suspect she was in danger. It must have been a very uncomfortable wait for her.) So that leaves it Jacqui and Anton, and Jason and Luba, waiting to hear which of them is in the bottom two tonight. The couple in the bottom two is... Jacqui and Anton. [Sucks to be a celeb with a first name beginning with J this week, huh? - Rad]

Tess asks Jacqui how she's feeling, and she says she doesn't want to be the first to go, but she really enjoyed that routine so it's a privilege to get to dance it again, and she'll give it some welly. Shirley tells Jacqui that for an absolute beginner she's doing really well: she didn't make any mistakes (...), she was on time with the music and she gave it her best. Now she just needs to go out there, do the same again, and if she's got anything left in the tank, give it a bit more welly, as she said. Anton tells her she's going to be amazing, and Jacqui promises to bounce.

Back to Claudia, who's now experimenting with "The Disco Chat Queue" as a name. Jason and Luba are up first, and Claudia compliments Jason on his game face while he was waiting for the results, but Jason says it was nerve-racking, but he's glad he made it through. Claudia teases that Jason has the best prop of any movie for next week. He's got the Burn Book from Mean Girls?! Oh, no, apparently he's got a lightsaber because he's doing a Star War. Max and Dianne are next in line, and Claudia reveals that Max bought flowers for every woman on the show for week one. I mean, it's a nice gesture but also...bit archaic? Bit patronising? Or am I overthinking this? (Also, I assume not every woman on the show, I'm assuming Elaine the production accountant didn't get them.) Max says that everyone's been so nice, so it was nothing really. Dianne reveals that next week, Max is going to be Homer Simpson and she's going to be Marge. Max seems... a little uncertain of how to take this news.

Clara and Aljaž are next, and Claudia makes the same observation that I just did: that Clara probably took that experience the worst of anyone. Clara chuckles that she never wants to experience that again, and Claudia points out that she's going to have to, next week. Clara says she's having so much fun and she doesn't want it to end - she's having the time of her life and she doesn't want it to be over too soon. Bill and Oti are next: Claudia asks Bill if he was ready for the tension and the horror of that moment, and Bill deadpans, "no, I wasn't prepared for that at all, in fact I didn't quite know what was going on, to be honest, I was a bit confused by the whole process. What's happening now? Have I won a speedboat yet?" Claudia reflects on Bill's lack of enthusiasm for a team name, and Oti says that one of Bill's suggestions was "Team I'm Too Stressed Learning A Dance To Actually Come Up With A Team Name And Who Cares". Well I like it, but it's not going to leave much room for anything else in the tweets. Maisie and Gorka are next, and she is going to be Elsa from Frozen, which she is very excited about. [Even though she looks more like an Anna - Rad]

There follows a trailer for Movie Week with a look at all the highlights from Movie Weeks past (and also Reverend Richard Coles), and then it's dance-off time. Jamie and Karen go first, and he seems less nervous this time, although his ballroom frame still isn't great and there's still a gapping problem - but it does suggest that he's capable of working on the things he's been told are an issue. Jacqui and Anton then reprise their samba, and: oof. It wasn't great the first time, if anything it's worse the second time. Jacqui is giving it a bit more welly as promised, but unfortunately the side effect of that is that what little technique she had the first time round seems to go out the window. Honestly, watching her go through this a second time feels almost cruel. As a final indignity, we have that close-up of her on the swing mouthing...well, it's not the lyrics, anyway. It might be "rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb" for all I can tell.

I suspect I know which way this is going, but over to the judges: based on dance merit, Craig votes to save Jamie and Karen. Motsi says that both couples did very well and picked up a notch this time, but one couple was on a higher level, so she's voting to save Jamie and Karen. So that's it, Jacqui and Anton are out - and Shirley says she would have voted the same way. 

Jacqui tells Tess she's had the greatest adventure she can imagine, and she's just sorry she can't continue it - but she doesn't feel too much shame in losing to the others because they're a fantastic bunch of dancers. We see her best bits, where she talks about all the laughter she's shared with Anton, and thanks him for the care and the brilliant teaching. She's going to remember this experience with joy and pride (not political pride, that's not allowed on the BBC, celebratory pride only) and she wouldn't have missed it for anything. Back in the studio, Jacqui thanks Anton for all the time they've spent together, and thanks everyone on the team for their brilliant work. Anton says that he's loved every second of working with her - "you have a shocking sense of humour" - and it almost seems sincere? Almost. [Well, I suspect he's mostly grateful for the chance to have a nice sit down the rest of the series. Also I saw speculation on Twitter that they might make him the fourth judge which nope, does not need, etc - Rad]

Tess teases a Movie Week extravaganza with a Bond-themed pro dance, and Claudia adds that there will be a Remembrance Day special on the results show. That's going to be a weird juxtaposition with Movie Week, right? [Maybe it'll be 1917 themed? Dunkirk? - Rad] Jacqui and Anton dance to 'Save The Last Dance For Me' - alone, because of Covid, so the others aren't allowed to rush them like they normally do, and that's kind of bleak. But that's the Covid world, I guess.

In our post-show round-up over the credits, Jacqui reiterates that she has had the greatest adventure, Caroline is sad that she won't see Jacqui and Anton again, HRVY says that Jacqui is the loveliest woman, Ranvir says that Jacqui has taken a lot from the experience, Max is buzzing to be through, Jamie is relieved to have survived the dance-off, JJ is planning to crush it on Monday, Jason thinks it has been "epic" so far, Bill is excited to do more, Maisie is hoping she'll be allowed to smile again next week, Clara is looking forward to going to the movies, and Katya and Nicola hug and do yet another fist pump.

That's it from me for now! I did two weekends in a row because I was planning to go away next weekend, and now of course I can't because of lockdown, so sucks for me. But Rad will be here with your recap, and it will be brilliant. Be sure to join us then!