For whom the Bell tolls

Week 3: Top 11 Results (Movie Week) - 8 November 2020

Last night! The boundary between a musical and a movie remained as blurry as ever! Ranvir topped the chart with a beautiful foxtrot! Jamie made Tess completely lose her mind! Maisie incurred the wrath of a nation's pre-teens by not being any Elsa anyone recognises! And Max and Dianne sorely tested the resolve of all those people who thought this show was going to be the antidote to the general bin fire that is 2020!

Tonight! Someone is going home! And it's almost certain to be Jason!

We begin with our annual remembrance dance. This time we start on location - Amy is a lighthouse keeper waiting for her man to come back from war. I don't actually recognise the bespectacled man so I assume he is either an actual member of the military or her real-life partner Ben Jones? In all the photos I can see of him he has facial hair but he could have had a shave and borrowed Kevin's glasses? I guess he could be one of the spare spare pros they have brought in this year but if so, it seems a bit weird to make him so prominent. [It's actually Kai Widdrington from Dancing With The Stars Ireland - finally watching all these international versions of the franchise pays off! - Steve] Anyway, Amy also wears a dress with no back so her vest is showing and then he lifts her up and we see her knickers. Patriotism! They're joined by Neil and Nancy and Graziano and Nadiya by the white cliffs of Dover as the song plays and we get a little Vera Lynn tribute with lots of footage of her, before we return to the ballroom and Hayley takes over singing duty to 'We'll Meet Again' with a lot of luvverly tea dancing from the full troupe. We then get a tribute card to Dame Vera and it's on with the show.

Daly dresswatch: black and sequinned, it's nice but the thigh slit is maybe a little CALL OFCOM for Remembrance Sunday. What Winkleman's Wearing: skinny black trousers and a black shirt with white trim, which suits her a lot. The judges enter and Shirley's wearing a dress that seems to be made from the exact same fabric as Tess's. She also has an asymmetric top line which is usually Tess's thing, so perhaps she's pinching her wardrobe. Motsi's in a grey sequinned dress and Craig is in an ugly black and navy checked jacket.

Recap of last night in which Bruno makes his contractually obligated remarks about how he has definitely watched these dances: Nicola and Katya can service his motor any time oooer missus; the force is strong with Jason, but don't forget the shaping; there was nothing Frozen about Maisie's dance (truth); and the following storylines are promoted: HRVY, Clara, Caroline and Jason had a bad night, Jamie had his obligatory Charleston breakthrough; JJ's on a JURNEY and Bill and Ranvir are the tops, they're terrific.

And so we come to our first set of results, and whilst I'm expecting Jason to be in the dance-off, I'm intrigued to see who'll be there with him. It won't be: Jamie and Karen (and Tess loses it laughing AGAIN); Ranvir and Giovanni (Thangyew still very much in effect and uncute); Max and Dianne (to what seems like the most subdued audience response of all but I'm probably just reading what I want to into it) and Bill and Oti. The first couple in the dance-off? Nicola and Katya (who had spent the whole time looking like she was expecting it).

Nicola says it is what it is and she'll just give 150% (STOP) and do her best. Craig says she should go out there knowing she's going to win, because she can. Especially if she's against Jason. Nicola says she'll give everything she's got.

We join Claudia who reads out viewer suggestions for what to call her couple chats: the staircase shuffle and the conversational conga. At some point we'll come up with a good filthy pun ourselves but right now I'm more worried about how the mirror balls swinging behind Claudia look like they're about to bonk her in the bonce.

In the rapid runthrough (probably not the best name given the diarrhoea connotations, granted), Jamie says he's relieved because he expected to be in the dance-off and apparently his girlfriend thinks he's a wimp for always complaining about being in pain, then he and Claudia joke about him taking the Hercules outfit home for sexytimes. Ranvir has the cha cha next week and I'm already a bit worried for her. Bill is now on TikTok and has couple's choice next week... to 'Rapper's Delight'. I'm scared. [I'm weirdly excited. - Steve] Max has the American Smooth next week which I think might suit him, but I doubt it'll be enough to erase the scarring in my brain from him humping Dianne's shoe.

The guest musical stint is a luvverly bit of classical for Remembrance Sunday. The Kanneh-Masons (of whom there are a LOT, what a family dynasty. Also one of them looks exactly like Pearl Mackie aka Bill Potts from Doctor Who who is on my dream casting list. A list comprised 80% of DW alumni, natch.) play 'Ave Maria' while Nadiya and Graziano do some lovely waltzing in front. I have to say that even though it's because of THE SITUATION, I do quite like that the spare pros are doing all the dances with the guest performers this year, as it does help them feel a bit less redundant. [Agreed, I never really understood why this wasn't the pattern all along. - Steve]

Dance debrief focuses on Jamie being funny; Maisie going 'clunk' with her feet instead of 'toe ball heel', and Shirley explaining that's what she means by 'rolling' through the feet; Ranvir having a beautiful back and then we get footage of the vote lines being open and Craig glumly clapping an 'open' clapperboard whilst Oti and Bill danced in the Clauditorium. Not one of these judges is prepared to justify their 8s for Simpsondance so a pox on all their houses. Also Bruno is also 'present' on screen but the only thing he says is that JJ danced with effortless ease, so I'm guessing that was the only routine they showed him this week. Gotta love him earning his paycheque... I am wondering if he's still going to take his obligatory week off this year, and whether it'll even be mentioned if he does.

Our final set of safety results see the following through: Clara and Aljaž; JJ and Amy; Maisie and Gorka and HRVY and Janette, leaving Caroline and Johannes and Jason and Luba as our two before the result. Caroline is giving the whole room the death stare (as was Pissy Gorka before he was called safe) but of course it's Jason and Luba. If anything, I'm surprised he wasn't here last week. He's quite resolute but Luba looks about ready to burst into tears. Two duff SPORTSMEN in two years, one of which has no real name recognition, has to be a hard draw.

In the Clauditorium, Caroline seems a bit thrown by their brush with death and we learn that Johannes makes up words to all the songs they dance to which Caroline is not happy about given 'people go to all the trouble to write lovely lyrics', what a warrior for the arts. I bet poor Fatima's had her phone ringing off the hook with Auntie Caroline trying to take up her cause (cultural references that will make no sense this time next year). JJ says he's got a long way to go before matching 'this lot', waving at Maisie and Caroline, one of whom he beat and the other of whom he drew with. Maisie has the cha cha cha next week. It's a 12 week series, do we really need so many cha chas? (I'm also feeling a bit that way towards pasos this year unless they up their game. And obviously towards Couple's Choice. Just give me a filthy dirty rumba, it's all I want). HRVY and Janette are happy to have the cha cha cha out of the way and apparently his primary school sent him a book of support this week so the Zoom 'appearance' at school VT is surely on its way. Clara is happy that she got to be 'Lady Marmalade' this week.

We get another plug for all the spin-offs and socials: It Takes Two, the podcast with Joe (and no longer Kim?); whatever the heck that thing is with Blu Hydrangea; Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, Google+, MySpace, Friends Reunited, Six Degrees, Chat Roulette and 8Chan.

Nicola and Katya are the first in the dance off, and it's still a bit of a sloppy mess in places with some moments of promise, but I can't see anything other than them winning 3-0. Jason's routine feels a bit better this time around in the sense he seems a little bit more relaxed in hold, but it's still quite a hulking mess overall.

Craig says both improved substantially, but he's saving Nicola and Katya. Motsi saves them too because they were stronger in performance, technique and intention and Shirley agrees with both of them. Nicola gives Jason a sympathetic pat as they go off, someone get a sanitising wipe out now!

Jason thanks Luba and thanks the show and we see his 'best bits' which feature way more of their interviews and VTs than their actual dances. Luba is crying like mad and looking not unlike Chloe Brennan from Neighbours. Jason thanks everyone again and the cast give them a standing ovation. Luba says he brings joy and that he's a friend for life, and she thanks everyone for making sacrifices to allow the show to actually happen. They dance out to 'If I Could Turn Back Time' but no-one turns the singers' mics on for the first two lines so they look very confused for a bit. It's so weird them not being allowed to have the whole group join them on the dancefloor for these bits, it must feel so exposing.

The post-show debrief sees Luba saying she'll miss him making her laugh, Ranvir's makeup not looking good under harsh studio lighting, Nicola saying she wants to make Katya smile, Harvey looking checked out and Maisie and Gorka looking weirdly like ghosts. And so we move on to the Top 10 next week! Can you believe we're already a third of the way through the series? And despite Kylie having a new album out that would be perfectly fitting for this show, I have to sit through a guest performance by The Vamps. Join me then to see if the cha cha cha knocks more front-runners down the leaderboard, if Nicola and Katya get to do a romantic dance, and if Bruno gives the impression of having watched more than a quick snatch of one routine!