Sunday, 4 November 2007

Domsday

Top 10 Results: 4th November 2007

Not live, but still from London, it's the Strictly Come Dancing results show! I hope you remembered to welcome the professional dancers and their partners, as well as Bruce and Tess. I'll be cross if you didn't. Tess is wearing a hot pink dress that makes her boobs look a bit saggy. Poor Tess. She really is a very attractive woman, I have no idea why they keep doing this to her. Bruce and Tess run through the rules, which we all know by now, and remind us that McFly will be here, as well as the Birmingham Royal Ballet. Bruce says it's about time they had some class on the show. Yeah, Bruno.

Recap of "last night": Gabby thought Kenny looked all man during his Paso Doble, which was hilarious and involved a lot of pant-flashing that I think most of us weren't that adequately prepared for. Second from bottom were John and Nicole, invoking differing opinions from the judges. John's daughter is very pretty, but doesn't think he's as good at dancing as he is at football. A dejected Nicole doesn't understand why they got such a low score. Aww. I love Nicole. Dominic and Lilia were third from bottom, and I'm really kind of over Dom by now. I'd be happy if he went tonight, I think. (And I'm writing this live, so I'm totally unspoiled at this point, in case anyone's wondering.) Dom hoped for 30, got 25. Head Judge Len says that Dom's getting on his wick. You and me both, Head Judge Len. A vastly improved Kate in seventh place. Kate thinks if she goes this week, it'll be better than going out last week on her backside with her knickers showing would've been. Hee. Kelly and Brendan and TEH SPARKLEE PINK CAPE OF YEY! Getting justly slated by the judges. Sorry, I can't bring myself to be impartial; I really don't like Kelly. Or Brendan. [I quite love them both, just not when they're talking or when they're on Strictly. - Carrie] "Never mind," says Kelly. "We've got the dance-off to get it right. HAHAHAHA!" Oh that Kelly and her debonair sense of humour. [Brendan has such a bitchface on. I imagine he spent most of yesterday evening shouting at Kelly and saying, "I TOLD YOU GIRLS CAN'T CAPE!!!" - Carrie] Len calls Matt and Flavia's Paso Doble the best of a weak bunch. Gethin also in joint third, looking good this week. Arlene telling him to give himself to Camilla, fnar fnar. Gethin being adorably snarky about Camilla backstage, calling her the "Danish Dynamo". Hee. Letitia and Darren also in joint third, with a pretty good Paso, I thought. Letitia looks like she's going to faint, Marie Osmond-style, during the judges' comments. Penny and Ian second, with a lovely foxtrot. Arlene stealing Georgi's "Penny's from Heaven" joke. Penny's mum looks a lot like her. Alesha and Matthew at the top, naturally, and the backing singers massacring 'Heaven'. [MY EARS! MY EARS!!! - Carrie] Alesha's nan Clem is fierce as usual. Carrie texts me to say that Alesha and her nans need their own sitcom, and I resolve to pitch this to BBC3 at my nearest available opportunity. [It would be ace as. We could write the scripts for it! - Carrie] Alesha thought she'd get slated, bless her. She does a Victor Meldrew impression, and I seriously could not love her more.

Bruce cracks a joke that he claims to have written himself, which is probably why no one laughs. Bruce brings up last week's dance-off, and wonders if this week's result will be similarly shocking. Len compares the whole thing to a car race, with 12 laps and some people fly off the track, and some stall their engines, and some (like Gabby, he tells us) crash unexpectedly by the wayside, but it's not where you start, it's where you finish. Arlene calls Gethin and Letitia the dark horses of the competition, and extends the metaphor to breaking point by saying that they're going for the fences.

Time for the professionals to dance, "showing us how it should be done". I imagine some of the contestants may have been slightly chagrined by that comment. Anyway, they dance a Viennese waltz to 'With A Little Help From My Friends' [the Joe Cocker version - Carrie], and it's pretty impressive. Craig gives them a standing ovation. [I don't like the Viennese waltz, nor do I like the dresses. - Carrie] In the House of Tesstosterone, Kenny and Gethin will be doing the Viennese waltz next week if they're still in, though lamentably not with each other. I kid! I'm not going to start slashing Kenny/Gethin, honestly. Please don't hit me, Carrie. [Hee! Matt/Gethin I could live with; Kenny/Gethin is just TOO MUCH CELTIC TESTOSTERONE. - Carrie] Kenny doesn't believe Alesha when she says she struggled with the foxtrot. Heh. Matt and Gethin (standing together, OTP) crack up at this, and Alesha gets mock-annoyed with Kenny and calls him "Ken", which I found sweet, for some reason. Possibly just because it's Alesha, really. Not that I'm biased or anything. Alesha says that her tears were panic-based, because she genuinely expected to get her ass handed to her by the judges. Letitia and Kate are pleased to have achieved personal bests on the leaderboard. Pauline Quirke and Jessica Hynes [grrr - Carrie] on ITT this week! I'm excited.

Audience voxpops. Frankie Dettori liked Kenny for being so macho. Simon Shaw (an England rugby star, for those like me who didn't know) has known Kenny for some time and claims he has no rhythm whatsoever. Hee. Pauline Quirke was sitting far too close when Kenny flashed his pants and will doubtless require years of therapy. Annabel Croft felt sorry for Dom when the judges didn't like his routine. Kevin Adams thought Alesha was wonderful, Kirsty Gallagher thought Alesha was very feminine and dainty. Why hasn't Kirsty been on this show yet, anyway? I'd totally have wanted her over Gabby. Lionel Blair [Lionel Blair! - Carrie] says Alesha is "like silk floating across the floor". Four Poofs and a Piano ARG ARG FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU TALENTLESS BASTARDS. Sorry, I really, really hate them. They're all chasing Gethin's arse, anyway, as you might expect. Like I needed another reason to hate them. [I'm sure there's all sorts of progressive queer theorists who will argue that Four Poofs and a Piano are groundbreaking and fabulous, but I just find them stereotypical and offensive. - Carrie] Annabel predicts Kate in the bottom two, Kevin predicts John, an unshaven Jamie Theakston (who claps like Paula Abdul, if you watched him during the main show) thinks Dominic. Gabby would be appalled - APPALLED, I tell you! - to predict the bottom two. Heh. You can see why she's probably not a betting woman where this show's concerned, in fairness. Rufus Hound says you could "literally" throw a dart and whoever you hit will be going. I suspect they will also be suing, if you genuinely meant your use of the word literally there, Rufus.

The less I say about Bruce's brief attempt at ballet, the better for all of us, I suspect. So to show us How It Should Be Done, the Birmingham Royal Ballet, dancing to 'My Way'. It's...very balletic. I dunno, what can you say about ballet? I'm far too uncultured to know anything about it, sorry. But it looks lovely, honest. [I rang for my takeaway at this point. If I wanted to watch ballet, I would do. - Carrie]

Bruce throws to Bruno and Craig for their opinions on the couples. Bruno thinks they're all incredible, but wants to single out three people for praise for starting out slowly but developing so well: Letitia, Matt and "Gathin". He's impressed by their improvement. Craig says that the judges will be expecting more and sharpening their critical knives from this point. The standard needs to get higher. So, no pressure then. Craig thinks we need to start voting for who we want in the final. Haven't we all been doing that all along? [You must vote on the DANCING, not on who you LIKE. Fuck off, Craig. - Carrie] Bruce warns Craig not to tell the public what to do, as well he might. Bruce claims that the public are powerful, "as I've found out to my cost in my time." I have no idea what he's referring to, but “hee!” all the same.

McFly! Danny's hair still looks like pubes. Harry's shaved hair still looks rubbish. Tom is in serious danger of becoming the most fanciable member of the band at this rate. Ian and Camilla dance, and I don't really know what to say when the professionals dance. It would look a bit stupid if I started critiquing it, so I'll just make appreciative noises and clap politely. There's something surreal about hearing Bruce say "thank you, McFly!" I don't know why.

Results! I'm nervous. Are you nervous? Eeee. Names revealed in a random order, obviously. The first couple to be pronounced safe is Letitia and Darren. Also through are Alesha and Matthew. Joining them are Matt and Flavia. Can I call her Flavia Flav? No? Okay, I won't. Gethin and Camilla are also safe. So are Kenny and Ola, because the public are still quite unpredictable. The sixth couple returning is Penny and Ian. Also safe are Kelly and Brendan, which is a shame because up until this point Kelly totally looked like she was going to cry, and frankly I would've been okay with that. [I laughed and laughed at Kelly's Acting here, as she attempted to look surprised. - Carrie] Only one more couple with a safe spot, and it is...Kate and Anton! Hooray! And I genuinely mean that, because I think they actually earned their safe spot this week, and also because she's now officially outlasted Fiona Phillips. So the bottom two are John and Nicole and Dominic and Lilia. Len advises John to be careful of his posture, but cracks that it should be easy for him because he's used to being in the dance-off. Snerk. He advises Dom to remember to be aggressive. Be, be aggressive! Sorry, I was channelling Bring It On for a second there, because I am indeed sexy, cute, and popular to boot.

John and Nicole dance first. Ouch. The singing is bad again. The dancing is as boring as it was the first time. Sorry Nicole, but this choreography is not your best work. [Ooh, exactly what I thought. As soon as they finished, I said, "That routine was rubbish." I was talking to myself, obviously, but I did say it. - Carrie] John's footwork looks a bit clumsy, but I'd be surprised if he goes, because he is a SPORTSMAN with a JOURNEY and I suspect the judges all secretly hate Dom anyway. What's annoying me most is my sense that if the backing singer would just can it with the affected phrasing, she'd actually have a nice voice. And when I'm more interested in the music than the dancing, that probably tells you all you need to know. Dominic and Lilia do their comedy Paso again. It's vaguely more entertaining this time, but Dom's serious face does make him look a bit silly. Their dance is a little bit messy around the middle, and I can't remember if it was like that last night or not. I don't think it was. They pull it back together a bit by the end, though. [Watching this again reminded me what a great choreographer Lilia is. It's inventive and entertaining, and she does always get decent performances out of her partners. - Carrie]

It's decision time! Nicole looks like she thinks she's going home. Tess reminds us that Head Judge Len has the casting vote in the event of a tie. Bruce thanks the dancers for their hard work and wishes them luck. Craig is the first judge to cast his vote, and despite claiming to be far from the best dance of the evening, saves John and Nicole because of his natural sense of rhythm. I'll wait for Carrie to call him a racist here. [Ooh, I did that too! As soon as he said "natural sense of rhythm"! RACIALIST! - Carrie] Arlene saves John and Nicole, pretty much for the same reasons. Bruno goes for the person with the most natural dancing talent, who is light on his feet, and he wants to see him doing a salsa...John and Nicole. So Dom and Lilia are out. Head Judge Len is asked for his feedback, and says that both guys entertained them beautifully. Dom is as gracious in his exit as everyone is, thanking the hair department. Heh. He says the better man got through, and he's happy because he can have a vindaloo tomorrow. And probably a bit of homoerotic horseplay with Kristian Digby. Do they still do To Buy Or Not To Buy together? I haven't watched daytime TV in ages.

Next week it's the turn of the Viennese Waltz and the Salsa. The show's on slightly later next week, and I'm sure Arlene is rushing off to tell Gethin that means he can be even saucier if he wants to. Dom and Lilia dance to 'Last Request', and it's a bit sad, but I was ready for Dom to go this week. Next week: Carrie and I blog the main show as it happens. Be afraid. Be very afraid. [Whoop! - Carrie]

3 comments:

Adam said...

I don't like Four Poofs and a Piano either. Mostly because of their name ("It doesn't count if they call each other it"- yes it bloody does!).
But I mostly hate the way they get paid to leer at young straight men in a supposedly comical Dick Emery stylee.
First time I've read the blog BTW- very good!

fiona said...

When you guys shout Fuck off Arelene at the telly do you do it to the tune of Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners? We do.

Carrie said...

Adam - thank you!

Fiona - I haven't yet, but I think I'll probably try it now. The thing is, my reaction to her is so instantaneous, shouting FUCK OFF, ARLENE is like a reflex reaction, so I generally don't have time to think about singing it...