Our eight remaining couples have battled it out on the dancefloor! Some elated the judges! Others deflated them! Now, one couple must LEAVE THE COMPETITION FOR GOOD! Cue titles!
We're not live from London, obviously, and the celebrities and their partners take to the floor, followed by Bruce and Tess. Tess is wearing a black dress with a silver sash, making it look like she's won some sort of beauty pageant prior to coming to the studio. [But: best she's looked in weeks, if you ask me. I think somebody bought a round of drinks for the wardrobe department between shows, eh Tess? - Steve]
It's nice to see us, to see us nice, and Bruce begins to witter about football, apologising to Kenny about the Scotland result, and inviting the audience to cheer for the lifeline thrown to England by the Israel-Russia result, and setting up an unfunny joke with John Barnes. [What is this "foot-ball" of which you speak? Is there dancing in it? - Steve] Tess tries to get the show back on track, and is called "matron" by Bruce, indicating that the rest of the week, he spends his time in a nursing establishment receiving the specialist care he really needs.
We recap last night's performances. Kate and Anton were bottom of the leaderboard, and Arlene used incomprehensible metaphors, while Len relived his childhood, and Anton was angry. Kate's horrible husband appears to have had a haircut. Kenny and Ola were just as bad, but as Kenny has a Y-chromosome and is a sportsman, he got more marks. Kenny talks, I've no idea what he says. Bruno says that Kenny makes him smile, and though he isn't very good, you want to see him back anyway. Bruno, I hope you're not forgetting that this IS A DANCE COMPETITION. John and Nicole failed to capitalise on John's Natural Sense Of Rhythm, but he hopes that he will get the ballroom sorted out soon. Now there's an idea. Gethin and Camilla were caught midtable, and Stephanie Beacham is angry with the judges' comments. She also says, "I want him as my son-in-law so badly." Heh. [I didn't know she was Matt's mum. - Steve] Matt and Flavia pleased the judges with their complex choreography. Flavia is proud of Matt. Drink! Letitia, WHO IS 40, was reborn to the ballroom with her stylish routine with Darren. She shares her tips on improving her posture - to stand like a meerkat. Kelly and Brendan were PINK AND SPARKLEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAAAY in their jive. Kelly's friends have flown in from America to support her. Alesha and Matthew were best, hooray! After receiving two tens, Alesha goes backstage to dance round Matthew, and then breaks into an impromptu rendition of Rewind ("We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it, we're lovin' it like thiiiiiiis"). Hee!
Bruce welcomes back the judges and tells them he appreciates the difficult decisions they have to make. That's what they're bloody paid for, idiot. Len likes Kelly and Alesha best, but that's not a great surprise, the dirty old man. Arlene gave her first ten of the series after watching "a hip-hop queen turn into the belle of the ball". [Were Mis-Teeq hip-hop? I thought they were R'n'B. Or possibly pop. - Georgi] She explains that what makes the difference between a nine and a ten is the emotional reaction to it.
The professional dancers perform a group foxtrot, starting off with James and Ola (WHO ARE MARRIED), Darren and Lilia (WHO ARE MARRIED) and Matthew and Nicole (WHO WERE ONCE MARRIED BUT ARE NOT ANY MORE), before the others join them. Anyway, it's all very lovely, finishing with Karen sitting on Craig's lap and kissing him vigorously, so well done all.
In the House of Tesstosterone, Alesha and Kenny are bickering between themselves in an affectionate fashion, so Tess decides to give up talking to them and turns to Kate instead. Kate knows that if she's in the dance-off, she'll be out of here, and she seems fairly resigned to that. Poor Kate. [At this stage, surely it's putting her out of her misery? It can't be any fun dancing when you're injured all the time. That would be a real sympathy vote. - Georgi]
This week! On It Takes Two! John Barrowman! [Jesus Christ. - Steve][No, Captain Jack - but he does seem to get resurrected more often than the Messiah. - Georgi] Head Judge Len's half-term report! The male professional dancers go to the University of East London to prove their fitness.
Jenny Powell and June Brown love Letitia. Viv off Emmerdale loves Alesha, as does Gloria Hunniford. Stirling Moss and Sally Gunnell like Kelly. Some man from BBC Sport slags off Kate for not pulling out of the competition. Gabby Logan is oddly old-fashioned and cute, saying that Gethin did very well to dance with any kind of romance with Camilla, because they are not married. [I love that she called it a "blinkin' great effort". I wasn't a fan of her on the show, but I'd be happy to watch Gabby the Dance Pundit every week. - Steve]
Bruce announces that we have a treat in store - the number one Latin couple in the world. I can't spell their names, but I can inform you that the lady is petite with cropped blonde hair and an odd dress, which transmogrifies in a Bucks Fizz moment to become a leotard, then again into a tasselly salsa dress. The gentleman is in black trousers and an open white shirt throughout, which is very unadventurous of him. Anyway, it's all very good.
It's time to garner Craig's opinions on last night's performances. He admires Kate and Kenny's courage, but urges us to remember that it is A DANCE COMPETITION. Bruno agrees with Craig, and says that Kelly and Alesha are jewels, with Matt barking at their heels, complete with barking dog hand gestures.
But! Before the results, we get to see West End Leading Man LEE MEAD, who is SINGING PAINT IT BLACK, all the better to please Georgi [if she was watching - Georgi]. [And to fill Steve with rage. - Steve] Ian and Matt strut on doing their caping, and Nicole and Camilla join them and paso doble all over the place, doing partner-swapping and everything, and it turns into a weird jive at the end for some reason. West End Leading Man Lee Mead claps the dancers. Bless his heart. [And HA, I knew they would paso to it. /smug - Georgi]
Ooh, results. I'm actually nervous. It's not even like this is live, and I still get a stomach-flip and butterflies. The moment of truth - dancing again next week will be: Alesha and Matthew (of course); Kelly and Brendan (of course); Gethin and Camilla (hooray!); Letitia and Darren (who are on the Strictly live tour, lest we forget); Matt and Flavia; Kenny and Ola. For FUCK'S SAKE. Bad Scotland.
So it's Kate and Anton versus John and Nicole in the dance-off, and I think we all know what way this is going to go. John and Nicole go first, Kate and Anton are second, and it's all much like it was "last" "night", except with added aggression from Angry Anton [Grrrr! Hee! - Georgi]. As they await the judges' decision, Anton has his arm firmly round Kate's shoulder, and she's clinging on to his hand. Aw.
Craig says he has a responsibility to choose the best dancer, and saves John and Nicole. Arlene saves John and Nicole. Anton whispers to Kate, and kisses her hair. Bruno says both couples upped the ante, and saves John. Everyone hugs. Kate looks relieved. Len says that he too would have saved John and Nicole. Kate thanks Anton and gives him a cuddle, announcing that everyone is great and that she would like to thank everyone who voted for her, because she's had a good run and she's really enjoyed herself. Which: good work, Kate. Dignified and classy and self-effacing. Yes, she was the worst dancer from week one, but she knows it. [Absolutely - I thought that was one hell of a classy exit. Good for her. - Steve] They have their last dance, and Anton picks her up and whirls her around. The camera cuts to Kate's horrible husband. TAKE THAT! AHAHAHA!
Right, if we're genuinely voting in a dance contest now, Great British Public, Kenny to go next week, yes? Join us again next Saturday!