Sunday, 19 October 2008

Can't Smile Without Don

Week 5 results
Tx 19th October 2008

"Last" "night", ALL 12 COUPLES went head-to-head for your votes! The competition was fierce! So were the judges! And Brucie even made three jokes that were actually funny, which is three more than usual! Whose Journey (drink!) will end tonight? Titles!

Welcome back the couples, Bruce and Tess, etc. This is the weekend of Tom Chambers’ wedding, as if we didn’t know. Bruce makes a topical joke about Madonna getting divorced. Tonight there’s an air of despair on the dancefloor, apparently. Coming up, Katherine Jenkins and Darcey Bussell, a pro paso, and Alesha Dixon with her new single! Yay!

Recap! John and Kristina finished last – I loved their ironic song choice. Unfortunately the judges weren’t that keen. John says that he’s in the perfect position - at the bottom - to annoy the judges. Hee! Bruno thought Mark’s pecs were the only thing worth watching in his and Hayley’s samba. Mark just wanted to entertain people. I know Mark’s dancing was terrible, but I did enjoy the enthusiasm with which he did it. That’s what acting lessons from John Barrowman will do for a man. I’d Do Anything winner Jodie Prenger was in the audience and thinks that people wouldn’t have been watching Mark’s rhythm with a top like that, which presumably was the idea. Andrew and Ola received a plethora of criticism from Craig. Rav Wilding, whoever he may be, thought Andrew was going to drop Ola. We were sort of hoping too. Andrew says that in his own head he deserved zero. Heather was doing blaxploitation this week. She was more upset by the judges’ comments last week than this week, because it was her “first experience of the judges in such harsh terms”. Heather’s husband says that, “The public need to do the job that the judges aren’t doing.” [Holding up paddles one to five? - Steve] Don and Lilia’s American smooth was adequate. Len wouldn’t like to try and lift Lilia, the fat bitch. Don would like to go out on a high, and he doesn’t think he did justice to the dance this week. Jodie and Ian had a cunningly choreographed lift which meant that Ian didn’t actually have to lift her off the floor. Jodie works out that they got the highest score they’ve had from all of the judges. Jodie’s boyfriend Thomas was incredibly impressed, and Penny Lancaster says Jodie used her height to her advantage. Christine says it was great, she loved every single second of it, but hopes she doesn’t have to do it again. Craig says that Christine’s beaming smile from ear to ear made him feel “all warm and gooey”. Phil Tufnell thinks she was “top drawer”. Rachel says of her error, “It just threw me, because it was before we were about to do this fast move thing.” Vincent tells her it was a pivot. But it’s okay, because Bruno knew it was “just a bleep”. Her fiancĂ© thought she showed everyone her raunchy side. Austin was annoyed with himself for messing the steps up. Austin’s wife Louise says he likes “the sequins and camping it up”. This fact has not gone unnoticed. Cherie and James got lots of nice comments, but for my money it didn’t feel much like a glamorous American smooth because of a poor song choice. Cherie is pleased but wishes she had been a bit more relaxed. Mark Ramprakash says she’s polished when she dances and looks great. Len is also a fan. Brendan lied to Claudia on It Takes Two about not putting any lifts in his American smooth, but he and Lisa did a great dance and are joint first. Craig thinks Lisa’s confidence has been boosted. Lisa never would have dreamt she’d get three 9s. Tom is getting married in the morning, ding dong the bells are gonna chime, etc. Tom’s vicar says he’s “heard of smooth, but that was really smooth”. Tom’s stag party promise they aren’t going to do anything embarrassing to him. Much. Who still has their stag do the night before the wedding anyway?

Bruce gets some comments from the judges. Len is so much blah – we’ve got a great competition on our hands, some couples are stronger but there’s no leader of the pack, anything can happen. Arlene thought Lisa’s transformation was the big surprise of the night; people know her as a presenter and model, but she can now add “dancer and actress” to her CV.

Now, Katherine Jenkins and Darcey Bussell, in very shiny gold dresses. Plus some random curly haired man for Darcey to dance with. Anton and Erin and Ian and Camilla are also getting in on the action. I don’t know what she’s singing and I don’t really care, but apparently it’s called ‘Viva Tonight’.

In the House of Tesstosterone, John thinks the public will save him – but what if they don’t? He tells Tess it will shatter his faith in democracy. Andrew would love to be back, blah. He doesn’t want to go out, “but if it has to be so, the dance-off it is, John”. John protests that there’s no way he’s going to be in the dance-off. Lisa says it’s “a dream come true” to be at the top of leaderboard.

Now we’re at a new stage in the competition... I feel some filler coming on... what do people around the country think? Some old women like Austin. An old man likes Cherie and James. Another old woman likes Don “because he’s so handsome”. Young men are keeping their eye on Rachel because she’s hot. Construction workers like Lisa. Normal men like John. Rastafarians are supporting Heather. Bored Now.

Next week, our couples will do either the Viennese waltz or the paso doble. Time to bring on the capes, and also the verb “to cape”, with any luck. [I hope the Pink Sparklee CAPE OF YEY makes an appearance. - Steve] Here are the professionals to show us how it’s done. Karen is looking quite scary. Brendan gives good cape, and gets to wear a top that laces up the front. For some reason they’re dancing to Kaiser Chiefs’ ‘I Predict A Riot’. Your Bitching correspondent has sung it better than the Strictly singers at punk rock karaoke. Brian’s paso face is scary. Oh, don’t you think Brian looks sinister when he smiles too? It’s because he looks like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Heeeeere’s Brian!

Back in the House of Tesstosterone, Cherie fancies trying the paso next week. It makes her think of panthers and tigers. Grrr! Someone’s been watching too much Big Cat Live. Tom says has has a good view from the top of the leaderboard, but he’s hoping he’s “not standing on an avalanche”. [Is it even possible to stand on an avalanche? - Steve]

Time to hear what Bruno and Craig thought. Did the show match up to Bruno’s expectations? “Definitely. It was a meaty show, you could really put your teeth into it.” Jodie showed us what she can do and the potential she has. Craig gave two 8s because he was impressed – the standard this year is “extremely high”. He’s not only impressed with the people who have improved, but also the crap people “for their courage” in coming on the show.

Before the dance-off, a special treat - yayz! – Alesha and her new single. Her dress is also glittery, but very, very short. She has the Glittery Pink Microphone of Yaaaay! Her song seems to be about a man who never does any household chores. I was just thinking she’d struggle to do any dancing in those heels when she struts off the stage and joins in the dancing. Alesha rules. [I texted Steve to inform him that I love Alesha so much it makes me want to cry. He concurred. - Carrie] She gets to dance with all the men, including Matthew at the end. Bruce approves of her single, deeming it “very catchy”.

Finally, it’s time to find out who is in the dance-off.... no, sorry, I spoke too soon. Is it really necessary to have a VT every fucking week for the celebs to tell us that they don’t want to get voted off? We know nobody wants to be in the chuffing dance-off! They’ve told us five times now! It was obvious in the first place! Enough already!

It’s really results time now. Go spotlights! The couples who are safe are: Lisa and Brendan; Cherie and James; Jodie and Ian; Rachel and Vincent; Tom and Camilla; Austin and Erin; John and Kristina; Mark and Hayley; Christine and Matthew; Andrew and Ola. [Gah! Will we never be rid of Andrew Castle? - Steve]

So the two couples in the dance-off are Heather and Brian, and Don and Lilia. The racialist British public strikes again! I don’t want to see either of them go, but it will be an interesting dance-off. Len says that Heather is a performer and she needs to come out and perform, whereas Don needs to come out and act it more. Heather and Brian are first to dance. Heather’s attitude is immediately better than it was during her lacklustre performance earlier. She still looks a bit like Brian’s dragging her round the floor in places though. Her footwork isn’t very good. Aww, and Brian kissed her cheek at the end. Don’s hands are a bit better this time, although he forgets to extend them after about 20 seconds of dancing. The gods must be smiling on him, because he manages again not to drop Lilia. On the basis of this dance, I’d vote for Don and Lilia – I think their dance overall was a smoother performance - but what will the judges decide? Craig says that, “The improvement in both couples was spectacular, but the couple who had the edge was Heather and Brian”. Arlene says that, “Len’s advice to each couple was about their performance, and the best performance was Heather and Brian”. Bruno says that both couples came back and “did a great job considering the circumstances”, but “by a whisker” he’s going to save Heather and Brian. That means Head Judge Len doesn’t get a vote – ha ha ha.

Don says that Lilia is wonderful, and if he’s sad for anything, he’s sad that he won’t be able to dance with her anymore. Awwww. Lilia says she has enjoyed spending time with him and dancing with him. Bruce remembers that he probably ought to see what Len thought, even though it is meaningless – Len didn’t agree. He would have gone for Don, because he thought it was “a more polished performance”. Heather came out and performed better, but she had “a lot of foot faults”. Don’s dance was “cleaner and better”. This may be the first time I’ve agreed with Len this series. [Me too. I like Don and I love Lilia, and I could quite happily have lost Andrew, Christine, Mark (though I'd miss Hayley), or Cherie, though I realise that's unlikely for another few weeks. - Carrie]

Don and Lilia head on to the dancefloor for their last dance to ‘Baby Can I Hold You Tonight’. Lilia is crying. It’s sad when couples like these two get voted off, but the standard is high and we had to start losing people we like sooner or later. Join us again next week for Viennese waltzes and paso dobles!


Jenny H said...

Brian doesn't look like Jack Nicholson, he looks like Steve Buscemi. I find it strangely alluring... I think he's hypnotised me. Does anyone else think that he and Heather don't get on very well?

I thought The Swimmer and Andrew Castle were piss poor. Can't wait to see their last dances. And that new one that dances with the swimmer...rubbish!

ht said...

I found you this time last week whilst bored in work - I LOVE your writing.
Agree - very racialist viewers this week, and I would have voted with Len and saved Don.

Clearly they need to sack Arlene, and get one of us on instead (we could all do getting drunk, talking rubbish and letching on the celebs equally well, I think)

Am fed up of "the Sergeant" as Tess would call him - charming yes, capable, no. Papa may love Mambo, but John clearly does not love samba (or at least his body he doesn't). He needs putting out of his misery... or is that I need it?

Essen said...

I was reading somewhere (all right, I'll come clean, it was in Craig's autobiography, which I was reading in a borders' cafe) that Arlene doesn't drink! This MUST be a lie, surely? Or perhaps she's on something else - or a botox needle got stuck in too far and has infected her brain. She was just appalling this week.

John Sergeant is getting a bit irritating. I don't mind him being 'fun' and not as good as the rest, but it's starting to look like he's not really trying, which is a pity.

Carrie said...

Has just occurred to me that Viennese waltz vs paso dobles next week is so fucked up. Viennese waltz - not really a lot you can do with that besides wearing meringue dress and fleckling. Pasos - THE HARDEST DANCE YOU CAN DO. Or at least it requires a) caping and b) acting.

Anna said...

I have to say that there were rather too many rather boring dances this week for my liking. And heck too many ugly ass dresses - what on earth was Christine wearing, it was vile. Christine herself however, it beginning to grow on me and I still love Jodie and Lisa. Found out yesterday that Lisa is 37 which is pretty crazy. Was very sad to see Don and Lilia go, damn the sympathy vote for Andrew and the humour vote for John and Mark.