Sunday, 26 October 2008

Different strokes for different folks

Week 6 Results
Tx 26th October 2008

It's Strictly Sunday! Welcome back all the dancers, and your glamorous hosts. Daly Dresswatch: short, figure-hugging, mauve. Better than the grey curtain she was wearing last night, if a little bit 80s. Brucie says that anyone could be leaving tonight - a sportsman, a TV presenter, a model, etc - and Tess butts in with "or an all-round entertainer!" Bruce patronises Tess because she got to do a punchline for once, and she accuses him of being jealous because she got a laugh. [Ha! Brilliant work from Bruce this weekend. - Carrie] Last night on Strictly, the couples performed either a Viennese waltz or a paso doble, the singers massacred every song in sight, and Arlene and Bruno amused themselves by doing impressions of Len and his stupid SEV-UNNs. Your filler for this evening will include: Mambo Madness with Brian and Kristina (they could get a job at the Sheldrake Hotel with an act like that) [yeah, but did she get changed in the back of his car? - Carrie], Enrique Iglesias, and the stars of the West End show Jersey Boys.

Recap! Len noticed that Mark's "not a natural dancer", and Craig thought his paso was "grotesque". Mark says that nerves got the better of him. It couldn't possibly be that he's just not a very good dancer, could it? Roger Black thinks the problem is that Mark's "not a very aggressive person". I think they call that Acting. Where's John Barrowman when you need him? Alan Hansen thinks "his days on the programme are short-lived". Len agrees with me that the problem is that he can't dance and looks gangly.

Sergeant Sergeant "took marching to a whole new level" in his paso. It wasn't exactly what you'd call a dance though. Backstage, John says they "always need supporters", but don't want to be pathetic - like all those other fools who beg people to vote, I think he's saying. Kenny Logan likes him, but he's biased towards crap dancers. Each to their own. Noddy Holder (what is he doing there?) says that when John dragged Kristina over the floor "like a sack of spuds" was "the defining moment of Strictly tonight". [The Voice of Slade speaks the truth. - Carrie]

Christine and Matthew's paso was apparently like Madonna and Guy Ritchie having a domestic - one of Arlene's stranger metaphors, even for her. I was too busy shuddering at the sight of Christine's ribs to have an opinion on her dancing. Someone give that woman a good meal. Adrian Chiles reckons he'd be good at the paso (no doubt we'll see next year), but Christine never stops smiling, "her facial muscles don't work that way". Some would suggest he'd know exactly what her facial muscles are capable of. Len didn't understand how Craig could give her a 3, and Craig explains that he didn't like it, duh.

Everyone has been studying Andrew's bum, but he got it under control in his Viennese waltz. He actually managed to dance, rather than just survive. Charlie Clements wants Andrew to stay in "purely to see Ola more". Because if she wasn't there, there would be no skimpily clad hot ladies?

Bruno thought that Jodie and Ian's paso was "rough", while Craig found it "a little bit square, a little bit stompy", but "exciting to watch". Jodie says she's never felt safe, and Ian is worried about being in the middle of the leaderboard, which as we all know is Very Dangerous. Arlene complains that the celebs think all they need to do is pull a grumpy face to be aggressive, but "it has to come from within".

Heather and Brian's Viennese waltz was controversial. Arlene and Len liked it, Craig thought it was "pedestrian". Shovell (of M People fame) thinks she's going to get stronger and stronger.

Lisa and Brendan's paso was quite awesome, I thought, and deserved a bit better score than 29. Roger Black thought it was the best dance of the night, but they were stiffed by going on first, and would have got a better score if they'd been last. [True. By that stage at least two of the panel would have been marking relatively to the rest of the shite that had been shoved onto the floor. - Carrie] Cherie and James still got 31 points even though she completely stuffed it up. James says it's only one mistake - yes, but then it ruined her confidence for the rest of the dance. No way it was better than Lisa and Brendan. They must be The Chosen Ones. Noddy Holder thinks she'll "give the young'uns a run for their money. Not that she's old". Not compared to Brucie, maybe. [Or Noddy Holder. - Carrie]

Len randomly decided to slag off Rachel and Vincent's fairytale Viennese waltz, but still gave it an 8, the same as Craig, who liked it.

Len also had a go at Tom and Camilla's waltz because he was doing toe leads rather than heel leads. One can't help but feel he wouldn't even have bothered about that for some dancers. Tom's WIFE Clare says that he was distracted by HONEYMOONS and WEDDING BELLS. That was last week. This is now. Get a new excuse.

Austin and Erin topped the leaderboard with their Viennese waltz. Backstage, newly discovered poet Austin says that "eights are great and nines are fine". Kenny Logan says that the judges overmarked Austin, whilst being heckled by his wife. Len describes their dance as being "like a beautiful sentence [which] started off with a capital letter and finished with a full stop", which: huh?

Bruce tells the judges that he's in the Beano, and goes on about Jonathan Ross some more. Is anyone else bored of this grudge match? He even drags Len into his gag. Len says he was surprised that the Viennese waltzes were better than the paso dobles overall, and some of the couples really need to start putting work in. Bruce asks Craig whether anyone exceeded his expectations, and he names Andrew Castle for tucking his bottom under, and Austin for being good at dancing and also a rugby player. Yes, Craig, but it is week 6, and he has been good for the last five weeks, so it's not as though anyone was expecting him to suddenly be shit this week, is it?

Now the cast of Jersey Boys, singing 'Oh What A Night' and doing synchronised dance moves, accompanied by some of the pro dancers. Which is nice.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Tess insists on rehashing the chorus so we can all see the impromptu dance moves that Austin, Tom and Andrew put together. Andrew can't even get that in time. Heather says she's enjoying herself immensely, and hopes she won't be in the dance-off for a third time. Christine is very worried about being in the dance-off, but she has to go out there with the fighting spirit, like Xtina in the song, and do it again if she has to. VT filler: everyone's families think their relative celebs are doing a great job, etc. The Rachel Brothers make another appearance. Lisa's dad Nigel points out that Strictly champion Alesha was from Welwyn Garden City, just like Lisa, and they want to do the double. Etc.

Now a mambo demonstration by "Mambo Expert" Kristina and "her partner" Brian Fortuna. Ha ha. There's lots of shimmying. It's an amazing routine actually. The celebs who are confronted with doing the mambo next week are going to feel a bit daunted after that. Back in the House of Tesstosterone, John Sergeant says that he's taught Kristina everything she knows. Heh. Andrew says it feels terrible when the judges say nasty things, and thanks Ola for getting him some nice comments this week.

A quick It Takes Two plug: next week, some dancers, some judges. No exciting guests then.

Bruce asks Arlene whether anyone disappointed her, and she replies that she was "slightly disappointed with the paso girls" because she had high hopes for each of them, but "somehow it didn't work". Why did Bruno gave 9s to Austin and Tom? They are, apparently , "the king and the crown prince", and gave "the strongest, most effective performances of the night", which he had to recognise. It was "like the War of the Roses, who's going to get the kingdom? It was great to watch." There's not really any competition, is there? Austin is still miles ahead.

Now tonight's special guest (poor Jersey Boys! They are not special), Latin sensation Enrique Iglesias singing 'Hero', and boring Vincent and Flavia doing a rumba in purple. Oh, yay, Darren and Lilia. We like them more.

Time for the results! Whoop! Oh, they got me again... VT filler about how nobody wants to leave. Well, you know how I feel about this, I think I made it pretty clear last week. Blah, blah, blah. NOW the results. The nine couples who are safe are: Heather and Brian, who look chuffed, and he picks her up and swings her round - bless; Rachel and Vincent; John and Kristina (when will enough be enough? "Dear oh dear!" says Brucie); Austin and Erin; Tom and Camilla; Cherie and James; Lisa and Brendan, who look relieved rather than pleased; Christine and Matthew; Jodie and Ian.

That means the dance-off will be Andrew and Ola's Viennese waltz against Mark and Hayley's paso, and short of a miracle, I think we can be fairly sure what the result's going to be. This dance-off must be Head Judge Len's wet dream and he brings out the sporting metaphors, telling Andrew to imagine he's 0-40 down, on his second serve - he needs to serve an ace, and no foot faults; whilst Mark should imagine he's swimming with 10 yards to go - he has to come out [heh - Steve] and attack. Andrew and Ola dance first, followed by Mark and Hayley. Andrew is as competent as he was "yesterday", while Mark is actually a bit better. I don't think the judges are going to take improvement into account over lack of any talent though.

Craig says that under pressure, one couple cracked and the other couple held it together, and he's going to save the latter - Andrew and Ola. Arlene lies and says that, "Sometimes these choices are so hard because the couples have worked so hard", but the couple who really came out and performed were Andrew and Ola. Bruno says to him, "It was obvious that one couple had the edge" - Andrew and Ola. Nope, no surprises there. So Mark and Hayley are out, and Head Judge Len doesn't get a vote again. This week he says he did agree, although nobody cares.

Bruce asks Mark if there's anything he'd like to say "to your lovely Kristina?" Oops! But he's not doddery, etc. Mark apologises for letting Hayley down, and she tells him not to be silly. She's crying, aww. They were good entertainment, but you'd have to say it's the right result. Their last dance is 'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word', and Mark strips off his top. [I stare open-mouthed in pure horror. DO NOT WANT INAPPROPRIATE NUDITY IN THE BALLROOM. Who knows where it will end? - Carrie] The audience screams, and Arlene applauds particularly loudly.

Next week, every couple will do a different dance! Join us then!

2 comments:

ht said...

The audience screams, and Arlene applauds particularly loudly.
See also Tess, wandering around the dancefloor fanning herself with her cue cards - when the revolution comes, she will be first against the wall.
Followed swiftly by the "fabulous singers".

N/OutofFashion said...

Yes! Tess ran out and was giggling and shuffling her way to a hug from Mark.

Vernon needs to stop doing Family Fortunes and keep an eye on here.

Poor Hayley, with Bruce getting her name wrong.