Coles shouldered

Week 3: Top 14 Results (Movie Week) - 8 October 2017

We open with the much-hyped Disney-themed pro routine, which begins with lowly clerk Brendan opening a Mickey Mouse-shaped vault and removing a load of film canisters - no doubt containing his most cherished copies of his tango with Charlotte which definitely did not contain any rise-and-fall. (I think there are a few copies of Snowdance in there as well.) Through the magic of vaguely passable GCI, Simba and Nala bound out of the vault just as Brendan is blowing a load of glitter off one of the canisters, followed by Tigger and that snowman from Frozen whose name escapes me [Olaf!  He likes warm hugs etc - Rad]. Then Tinkerbell waves her magic wand and turns the ballroom into Agrabah and...I'm sorry, is this Kingdom Hearts or something? Anyway, for everyone who felt hard done by last night when Aljaž was put in that unflattering bear costume, there is reward tonight as he gets to play Aladdin with the girls out on full display. The pros dance to 'One Jump Ahead' before the scene changes to the underwater kingdom of...wherever it is Ariel lives. Katya has been gifted Dianne's hair for the role of Ariel and glides around on a harness to 'Part Of Your World', touching the floor almost as much as Mollie did in her American smooth. (Anton plays Prince Eric, for what it's worth.) Then we go to yet another number, this time 'Be Our Guest' with Janette as Belle. There's a quite impressive moment where Pasha chucks Janette back over his head, but that's the end and...I'm rather underwhelmed. I think they might have been better served by picking one Disney number and doing it justice rather than doing a drive-by of a couple of different films. (Also I bet all those costume changes were a right pain in the arse for the studio audience.)

Alan Dedicoat appears to have been on the sauce tonight, introducing and I quote, "our very own Lady and the Tramp, Tess Deeley [sic] and Claudia Winkleman!" Tonight Tess is wearing an asymmetric short black number with one sleeve, and Claudia's wearing a hot pink strapless dress. I know Claudia always prefers dark colours but bright pink really, really suits her. They remind us that we've voted, and two couples are about to face the pointless dance-off. The judges return, and Shirley's now in an all-white A-line dress (with much more freedom to move than she had earlier) and Darcey's in an all-in-one black pantsuit with red-lined slits down the sides of the legs. Darcey looks severe, and amazing.

But first: our recap of last night: Charlotte says there is "such a buzz" about the place (which is undercut with footage of Simon getting his make-up done, yes very clever editors, I see what you did there). Alexandra enjoys her transformation into an elegant lady, just as Aston enjoys becoming a troll. Davood remarks on the surrealness of all the characters you bump into backstage on Movie Week, we get to see Joe having his shirt sewn to his trousers. But what if he needs a wee? Speaking of which: Ruth shows off her Bond girl dress before informing us that she needs a wee. Gemma bursts through a door yelling "I am a cat -- no, I'm a panther!" Bless. One of the make-up team applies make-up to Jonnie's chest and I would just like to make it clear that if she ever phones in sick I am available to cover at short notice, free of charge. Then - best of all - Hot Greg The Floor Manager appears to give everyone the five minute warning. He's back! Finally, this series can get going! In terms of new and/or useful behind-the-scenes content from the show itself, Gemma and Aljaž celebrate their ever-improving scores, Una from The Saturdays is here to support Mollie but is rather cruelly captioned just as "Mollie's friend", Oti yells "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT BUM" to Jonnie, Davood's wife Isobel tells us that she's blown away and incredibly proud of him, Simon says it was "such a buzz" out there (yes, you did this joke already, show), Charlotte is treated to a slow-mo replay of messing up her footwork, Richard's civil partner (who is not a great advert for Christianity) says that he is a star, Ruth and Anton giggle about how crap their rumba was, Joe is chuffed to have got two thumbs up from Craig, Aston's mum is proud.

But enough jollity, it's time for Tess and the Cue Cards Of Doom. The following six couples are safe and guaranteed to be back next week: Gemma and Aljaž, Alexandra and Gorka, Charlotte and Brendan (who promises to keep quiet next week), Brian and Amy, Joe and Katya, and Aston and Janette. The first couple in the dance-off this weekend is...Simon and Karen. They march over to Tess and Simon says that he's been delighted with the whole Strictly experience, and whatever happens happens. Tess turns to Craig to ask what Simon can do to improve the amount of gapping in the performance that Craig critiqued earlier, and Craig's response is unsurprisingly "get closer to Karen, dimwit" (I am paraphrasing slightly).

Claudia is with the six safe couples, and the first item on the agenda is Amy's ear-splitting scream of delight when she learned they were through - Brian points out that she was so excited that she actually hit him with her elbow. Brian says that they're delighted to have survived this week. Charlotte reiterates that dancing on live TV is terrifying, and says that for the second week in a row it didn't work out how she hoped, but it's definitely going to happen next week. Definitely. Gemma was nervous again this week, but loved her charleston. Aston has a quickstep next week, and Claudia wants him to still be dressed as a troll. Alexandra has the jive next week, but apparently Gorka is a jive master and Alexandra vows to give it everything she's got. Claudia says that Joe's score went up by a full 10 points this week, and Joe says that he's still feeling the nerves but he's just trying not to let them get to him.

Next we have a musical interlude, with Sheridan Smith performing 'My Man' from Funny Girl. Interlude: I went to see Sheridan Smith in Funny Girl at the Menier Chocolate Factory - she was fantastic, but the show itself didn't really grab me. It's one of those shows where you realise why the songs that went on to be famous in their own right did so, and why the rest of the songs...didn't. Anyway, Sheridan plays the song right to the back row, complete with overexaggeration to cue the arrival of Giovanni and...Luba? Yes, that's Luba Mushtuk, who danced with Giovanni on his tour this year and also was the woman in the movie poster in Susan and Kevin's week one Viennese waltz. She's lovely and clearly very talented, but this does seem to be yet another snub of poor underused Chloe. GIVE CHLOE SOMETHING TO DO. SHE HASN'T EVEN BEEN ON IT TAKES TWO YET. [Although brace yourselves for ALL the puns if Luba does become a pro on this show - Rad]

The judges are brought up for the segment formerly known as Len's Lens, and we begin with Shirley analysing Susan's samba, specifically explaining where all of those different samba timings came in, and pointing out that Susan was striding too far in her volta promenade runs. Darcey talks about Mollie's awkward landings out of her lifts and her lack of core strength throwing her off-balance. Claudia wants to talk to Craig about the totally-not-made-up 10 Second Rule, and Craig explains that in competition you have to be in hold the whole time, but in Strictly there is totally a rule where you can break hold for 10 seconds, but any longer than that and it becomes an American smooth. Look, it says so right here in this book, juuuuuuuust below the camera lens, what's that, you can't see it, oh what a shame but it's totally there. [Right now there is someone on Digital Spy going through every quickstep ever with a stopwatch I hope - Rad] Craig then goes in to add that lifts aren't allowed in the ballroom dances (apart from the American smooth) and that Brendan put an illegal lift in Charlotte's tango that none of them actually bothered to mention at the time, because rules are rules except when Shirley's having a knife fight with one of the pros and everybody else is too excited to concentrate. Bruno concludes with a look at Joe's Viennese waltz, and says that the joy of it is how it should never feel interrupted - it should roll like a wave, and Joe did that beautifully.

From there, it's back to Tess and the Cue Cards of doom to find out who will be joining Simon and Karen in the dance-off. The six safe couples are: Mollie and AJ, Jonnie and Oti, Debbie and Giovanni, Davood and Nadiya, Ruth and Anton, and Susan and Kevin. That leaves Rev Richard and Dianne in the dance-off. I guess that lack of ties really did for him. Richard tells Tess that he's not disappointed - he's excited, because now he has another chance to wow Craig with his moves. Darcey tells him that he is "a unique Richard" (that's an insult I've never heard before) and tells him not to change anything, because he's clearly doing everything right and that's why he's not in the dance-off--oh. Actually, she does tell him to watch for those splayed fingers.

The remaining six survivors join Claudia upstairs, and Ruth says that standing under those lights isn't getting any easier each week. Debbie says she thought she might be in the dance-off this week (ok lol) and thanks everyone for voting for her. Jonnie compares Strictly to athletics and says it's a bit different to train three days for something that takes 90 seconds as opposed to training seven years to do something that lasts for ten seconds. That reminds me of the story of how I lost my virginity. We establish that Mollie's sister Ellen is a Strictly superfan, and Davood has the Viennese waltz next week. Finally, Susan wants to thank everyone for voting for her, and reveals that she'll be dancing to 'Bring Me Sunshine' - which was the first dance at her wedding. She's going to do a full Ore again, everyone!

After an It Takes Two trailer, it's time for the dance-off. Simon tells Claudia that he feels remarkably calm - he doesn't think he can do any better, and if this is his last dance, he's had a great time. Karen advises him to keep his frame, stay light on his feet and "heels on one". Heh. They head down to get ready, and Richard vows to tidy up his fingers - Dianne says she has in fact glued them together. She adds that he brings a lot of joy, and he needs to just keep doing that.

Simon and Karen reprise their quickstep, and it's probably a bit worse than it was the first time - Simon appears to go wrong in quite a few places, though to his credit he keeps going and doesn't drag Karen around that much. Richard and Dianne then go again, and it's pretty much the same glorious mess it was the first time. Bizarre to think that one of these is actually going to get to stay in the competition again, isn't it? [Honestly I thought Richard was better - if only because of how much worse Simon was than in the show proper - Rad]

Time for the judges to vote. Tess reminds us that in the event of a split decision, Shirley has the casting vote. And will vote for Simon. Craig says that he loved the entertainment value "of one couple", but he has to save the couple who were technically better: Simon and Karen. Darcey thinks they both made improvements to their dances (lol no they didn't) but again she votes to save the better technical performers, Simon and Karen. Bruno loves them both even though they're both crap, but saves the more "cohesive" performers: Simon and Karen. That means Richard and Dianne are out, and Tess checks with Shirley to confirm that she agreed with them, which of course she did. I mean, we're all praying for a Simon vs Charlotte dance-off next week and Shirley having the casting vote, right? Right? [Oh yes - Rad]

Richard tells Tess that he's enjoyed every minute, even the ones where Dianne was hissing "feet! frame! feet! frame!" at him through her teeth. He says that his highlight has been getting together with the whole group of celebs and pro dancers on the show, and makes a point of crediting the fantastic behind-the-scenes crew on the show [Adding him to my hit list - Brendan]. Dianne says she's had the time of her life, and Richard is a friend for life. Taking their cue from Dianne, the band plays '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life' for their last dance and everyone rushes on to hug Richard goodbye - it seems he was very popular with everyone else. Sure enough, in the reaction clips that play out afterwards, Mollie and Ruth say how sad they are to see him go, while Simon breathes a sigh of relief at getting to survive another day. Jonnie is very glad he never has to paso again, and Giovanni promises that The Cheeky Debbie McGee is back next week. What a note to end on! Rad will be here to bring you all the details - be sure to join her next weekend.