Stoke me a clipper

Week 6: Top 11 Results (Halloween Week) - 29 October 2017

Tradition dictates that the opening number of the Halloween week results show is always a little on the eccentric side, and this year’s is no exception. Once again we find ourselves inside Brendan’s head as he is haunted by a succession of sexy women.The band plays ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac which eventually segues into Rockwell’s ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ as the female pros all emerge from under the stage dressed like sexy ravens and plotting to torture Brendan by, I dunno, making him watch a YouTube compilation of Shirley Ballas’s 10 Best Pot-Stirrers or something. Then all the men come out like sexy ravens too and Brendan gets lifted into the air and I’m kind of lost at this point so let’s just say it’s a metaphor for Brexit and have done with it. Brendan tries to escape, he fails, he looks haunted by his mistakes, the end.

Tess and Claudia return to the dancefloor, this time both wearing black albeit with Claudia having a white layer showing through from underneath, and this colour scheme carries through to the judges when they make their (re-)entrance, having ditched the fancy dress efforts from the performance show.

We begin, as ever, with a recap of the main show and I will, as ever, try to stick to the bits of information we didn’t already cover last night. Aston and Ruth talk about the impressive attention to detail from the make-up team, while Mollie tells us she’s having a big horn. We know, hon, we’ve heard all the showmance rumours. Jonnie tells us he’s going to be “a pirate who’s very dirty”. STOP READING MY DREAM JOURNAL, JONNIE. Davood fails to recognise Aston, Simon marvels at the very idea of waiting around for his wig, Susan jokes that she’s swapped hair colours with Debbie for the week. Then there’s a montage of people leaping out at other people in full Halloween make-up: Anton making Mollie jump, Debbie pouncing on Simon, and someone whose face we never see spooking Aston. Greg The Floor Manager properly milks his part this week by donning a black cape and putting on a macabre voice when he makes his usual “five minutes” announcement. Gorka tells Alexandra (who is clutching Family once again) that she was amazing and Alexandra says that she wants to do more tango, Aljaž is continuing to work on his northern accent, Simon and Karen are all “well, at least we had fun”, Jonnie is just pleased to have made it to the end of his cha cha cha, Rylan and Denise declare the quickstep Ruth’s best dance, Bonnie Langford says that she was nervous for Davood as his telly mum, Aston cheers his 10s, Debbie and Giovanni hug it out.

And then we come to the hard bit: Tess and the cue cards o’doom. Safely through to next week are: Davood and Nadiya, Debbie and Giovanni, Joe and Katya, and Alexandra and Gorka. And the first couple in the dance-off is...Mollie and AJ. On one hand I feel bad for her because she probably didn’t deserve to be there tonight, but on the other hand I’m just pleased I get to use the “Mollie, you in danger girl” joke I’ve been sitting on ever since they announced her casting several months ago. Mollie trots over to Tess and says that she’s gutted, but she’s just going to give it her best shot. Shirley says that she’s surprised to see Mollie here because she did so well first time out, but this time she should just get her weight a little further forward.

Claudia is with the four safe couples, and Giovanni hints that he has something special planned for Debbie’s birthday on Tuesday. Alexandra has got the cha cha cha next week and clearly isn’t that excited about it considering how pretty much everyone else has hated it this year [I loved how they were like 'even Aston didn't enjoy it' and he's done the only good one, although maybe he just didn't like Trolling up - Rad], but she trusts that Gorka knows what he’s doing. Davood has the American smooth next week and will be doing his first legal lifts of the competition, and jokes about dropping Nadiya on her head in training. Well, looking on the bright side, even if she does end up with a mild concussion in rehearsals, it’s not like it could make her choreography any worse. Joe has the charleston next week and is looking forward to being happy and goofy.

Next: Steps! Performing their hit(? - I assume, I don’t really know how measure a hit single these days unless it’s by Ed Sheeran) single ‘Scared Of The Dark’. It’s lovely to see them back on primetime BBC1 on one of the biggest shows around, but ever since watching Steps Reunion I just can’t watch them without wondering how much of the recording process involved Lisa passive-aggressively asking if someone who isn’t Claire could sing this line. [Also, the vocals... were not good?  At least not all together, when they appeared to each be in a different key - Rad]

After that, onward to what I think is officially called Dance Debrief now? [Except the opening chitchat STILL calls it Frame by Frame.  Make up your mind, show. Although Frame by Frame sounds stupid, so I'd stick with Dance Debrief - Rad] Shirley is up first to talk about Alexandra’s tango and how she was able to keep herself stable thanks to her strong core, Mollie. In what I can only assume will be the uncontested highlight of the entire series, Shirley asks Claudia to stand up so she can demonstrate the importance of core strength on her, “because you do slouch a little bit”. Poor slightly blindsided Claudia (no doubt having trauma flashbacks to when she used to host It Takes Two and was frequently forced to have dance lessons with Len) complies, and Shirley explains that the core is the fusebox of the body that keeps everything working, and then tries to get Claudia to sit down without bending her back. Having not quite finished bodying her, Shirley also mentions that she’s noticed Claudia flashing her undercrackers when she’s standing up once or twice as well. Claudia, breezily: “Good luck with the rest of the series up here, Shirley!” I’m absolutely terrified of Shirley in the best possible way. Next, Darcey wants to talk about DEBBEH and Giovanni, and how she really went for it but kept it clean and precise, and how now is the time to take risks. Craig praises the storytelling of Joe and Katya’s foxtrot and mentions that he really loved how much story Joe conveyed in those opening 15 seconds before the dance proper. Aren’t five of those seconds illegal? I can’t keep track any more. Finally, Bruno would like to revisit the flamenco aspect of Aston’s paso, reiterating his comments from last night about how this pays homage to (/was nicked wholesale from, probably) Joaquín Cortés.

Shall we see who is joining Mollie in the dance-off? Well, it’s not Aston and Janette, Susan and Kevin, Gemma and Aljaž, Ruth and Anton, or Jonnie and Oti (who are left to stew until last, presumably because the producers thought they might not get the opportunity to put the shit up them for a while), leaving Simon and Karen fighting for survival for the third time, and clearly on their way home.

Simon tells Tess that he thinks it’s actually called “The Simon Rimmer-Off” now. I think a “rimmer-off” would happen on a very different sort of show, hon, and probably not one that would air right before wholesome family entertainment like Blue Planet II. Simon says (hee) that he thinks they probably deserve to be here, but they’re just going to do their best. Tess asks Craig if there’s literally anything Simon can do at this point and Craig encourages him to straighten out his posture (OR SHIRLEY WILL GET YOU) and not splay his hands. Simon promises to glue his figures together right now. Heh.

Claudia is with the five safe couples, and Aston says that even getting his first 10s this week didn’t make it any easier to stand under those lights. Claudia reveals that Aston is giving out hand massages to anyone who wants one backstage. Gemma says that she’s so happy to be here every week, and the thought of potentially not getting another week on the show is horrible. Ruth is pleased to hear that she’s improving, because she doesn’t always feel that she is. Asked if he thought he was in the dance-off this week, Jonnie doesn’t directly answer but says that he really thought that he had let himself down with that dance, and he just wants to thank everyone who kept him in. Susan gets the biggest treat of all: a message from Emilia Clarke, in character as Daenerys, wishing her luck and doing a Brucie. By which I mean Emilia says Susan is her favourite, she isn’t picking up the glitterball and trying to fend McFly off with it. Susan says that Kevin is so handsome as Jon Snow, and she can’t thank people enough for voting, and even thanks the judges for “contributing to my Halloween joy”.

After a trailer for the upcoming week’s It Takes Two, we cut to the balcony of uncertain fate as Simon and Karen and Mollie and AJ steel themselves for the dance-off, even though we all know Mollie’s going through even should her legs fall out of their actual sockets before the 40-second mark. Claudia asks Simon if he’s going to take on board the judges’ comments and Simon’s all “um, I literally only know one way of dancing and that’s the way I did it last time?” Simon and Karen head to the floor and Mollie says that she and AJ will just have to give it “everything we’ve got inside of us”. Damn right, Missy, and if I think for one second you have kept even an inch of intestinal tract back, you can forget about still being here for Around The World Week II [do not invoke its name, Steve.  You already mentioned the 'F' word in yesterday's recap.  You're one 'R*** and R*** away from an intervention - Rad].

Simon and Karen reprise their American smooth, and somehow it’s actually worse than it was the first time: his feet are absolutely all over the place, and I think he’s just marking time before he can wave this show goodbye and give his poor leg a rest. Still, at least they remember not to eat the chicken this time. Then Mollie and AJ reprise their cha cha cha, and it’s pretty messy still - I think the pressure of being in the dance-off (even against Simon) has rattled Mollie, but she manages to keep it together enough to get to the end without any major problems.

Over to the judges for the hugely surprising decision of who to keep: all four of them want to keep Mollie and AJ, of course. Simon says he has has the most amazing experience, and everyone on the show is amazing. He says that he’ll never forget touching people (ie Shirley) with his waltz to ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, and finally thanks Karen for being wonderful at all times. Karen says that Simon has grown to be a great performer, it’s been a privilege to partner him, and also one last time for the people in the back, KAREN LIKE FOOD.

Simon and Karen have their last dance together to ‘All By Myself’ and I guess at least this was a less embarrassing theme week costume to go out in than his Movie Week costume would have been? Instant reactions: Alexandra thinks Simon is “an impeccable person” (I love her so much), Debbie thinks he was a special part of the team, Joe says much the same, Mollie is very grateful to still be here, Aston is excited to have popped his 10 cherry, Gemma is pleased to be in week 7, Susan is pleased but also sounds kind of emotionally exhausted at this point, Jonnie hopes to be better next week, Davood is looking forward to his American smooth, and Anton reveals that Ruth has the paso next. Well, that should be interesting.