That's Char lot

Week 4: Top 13 Results - 15 October 2017

Last night! A severely underpowered first 90 minutes of the show was followed by a final half-hour that had more going it than a whole litter of Duracell Bunnies (which Dragon interpreted as Jarvis Albanese, bless its special little heart). Top of the table were Alexandra and Gorka following their Proud Mary jive, gaining 39 in the process. Bottom of the pack?  A tie between Simon and Karen with an embarrassing dad samba and Charlotte and Brendan with a jive consisting almost entirely of kickball changes and Charlotte shaking her hands around. Lots of people underperformed, with the likes of Debbie, Davood, Jo and Mollie all hanging around in the middle of the leaderboard danger zone. Logic suggests that Charlotte, Simon or Brian will be in the dance off, but could tonight see our first SHOCK!BOOT of the series?

Before we get to that, of course, we have a ton of business to get through, beginning with one of the weirdest pro dances we’ve seen in some time, to a very percussive version of ‘Run Boy Run’. I noticed on Twitter someone suggesting it looked like the kind of thing our old friend NotLouis (a.k.a. Brian Friedman) could have conjured up in one of his fevered dreams and I totally see where they were coming from. The storyline is that mad King Anton has some kind of bizarre S&M dungeon where he lures unwitting pros and makes them wear a ton of eyeliner and fetish gear. Pasha and Brendan play the caped gatekeepers, whilst Kevin, Giovanni and Aljaž are poor innocent little boys who find themselves thrown in the dungeon unwittingly. Lots of Stomp-cum-paso-cum-haka dancing [this is probably the wrong scenario to use the word "cum" in - Steve] ensues (none of which is actually done by Anton, let’s be thankful for small mercies). They then escape the dungeon and emerge into the realm of light, where Gorka ushers them in with some floating cloth. Then all of the sex dungeon pros turn up in white as I don’t know, heavenly beings or something, and this freaks our three plucky heroes out so they run to the back of the stage and put their hands on their head and presumably scream into the wall. I haven’t the foggiest.

Tess and Claudia enter. Claudia is wearing a fairly cute black-and-white striped dress. Tess is wearing a red dress, and somebody has stitched an ugly wave of red fabric along the side of it to give her the impression of being a theatre curtain that is pulled halfway open. This really has not been a good weekend for her, wardrobe-wise. Claudia says she hasn’t had as much fun in the dungeon since BLACKPOOL. Yes, Claud, we all know the tabloid rumours about what happens there. I’m mildly impressed they got that gag in before the watershed.

The judges enter, in pairs - Shirley and Bruno (Shirley and Barbie pink with an asymmetrical neckline-watch out Tess, you’ve got competition. Then Darcey and Craig. Darcey is wearing a white trousers and top combo that actually makes her look really neat. Good job, Darcey’s stylist.

Tess and Claudia preview the rest of the show, including the dance off, Gregory Porter and ‘frame by frame’ aka Len’s Lens which I thought they were calling dance debrief? Also, I don't want to relive it frame by frame after I've already done that in recap form.

There follows a recap of last night in which: Simon has a sweaty stomach, Joe feels like an idiot in his sequined vest, the cameras run frantically around Gemma and Aljaž, Hot Greg does his usual authoritative act (hooray), Gorka blows us a kiss (love you too), so does Craig (thanks, I guess). We also see Mollie and AJ biffing their lift whilst Craig says he loves the lifts in voiceover, which is marginally hilarious. Susan and Kevin get a big bump up, including Lee, (Susan’s wife) being quite tearful. Per Hall (Jonnie’s childhood surgeon) gives an interview where he says it was a delight to see him dancing beautifully. Aston and Janette’s dance is presented only with Bruno’s positive comments, not with the negative ones they receive from everybody else, Davood and Nadiya are shown as being on a high, as are Ruth and Anton. Debbie and Giovanni are shown with mixed comments, as are Mollie and AJ. Joe, Charlotte, Brian and Simon are presented with negative comments only, suggesting potential bottom two-ers. Then things get back to the positive, with Gemma and Aljaž and Alexandra and Gorka being singled out as highlights. Alexandra’s brother David says it was amazing to see her get that score.

And now time for our first results of the evening. Safe are: Susan and Kevin (and I know they say these are in no particular order, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they got the highest vote of the night); Jonnie and Oti; Ruth and Anton; Alexandra and Gorka; Simon and Karen (which he is completely shocked about-and she seems quite sad about). The first couple in the dance off, and a shock result, perhaps - Davood and Nadiya. Davood says he’s a bit gutted, but it is what it is - and he thought they did the best dance they’ve done so far and he’s happy to do it again. Craig says they can’t do anything to change the routine, but he wants to see a real fire and passion and he says he was delighted with how they danced it first time and would like to see them repeat that this time. Tess says ‘we are all behind you’ (how dare she, biased BBC et cetera et cetera).

Up in the Clauditorium, Susan says she’s feeling tremendous and she has great memories of doing such a happy dance and knows the lots of the people really love that song and Morecambe and Wise.  She’s also sat clutching Jonnie’s hand and says she wouldn’t have believed a year ago she would be sitting on TV holding Jonnie Peacock’s hand. Claudia reminds Jonnie that he needs to learn to act and asks him to demonstrate his relaxed face. It looks like a blowfish - I don’t know if that’s meant to be a burn on Brian or not. Ruth is excited about having her first real success. Claudia says they have the samba next week and Anton says it’s going to look remarkably the same as the tango. Well, that would be better than the usual Anton!Latin, so I’m all for it. Alexandra has a teddy with her - her lucky mascot that she calls ‘family’ who she takes everywhere with her. Not sure I would bring that onto TV with me, but do what you need to, Alex. Claudia asks Simon if he assumed he would be in the dance off and Simon says yes, he did but he loved doing the dance and points out that Alexandra had more marks tonight than he’d had in the last two weeks combined. Claudia said he needs Alexandra’s mascot.

Time for our Very Special Guest Performance of the evening-Gregory Porter doing an unbearably slowed down, dreary, version of ‘Smile’ that is having the opposite effect on my face. Is it just me who finds him smug and annoying? I just hope he’s never paired up with Andre Rieu and his smug face orchestra. At least Dianne and Pasha get to waft about doing some contemporary dance in front of him, and it’s nice that they’ve given them something to do, I guess.

Claudia introduces us to what they’ve started to call ‘dance debrief’ again. This segment really needs to establish its own identity, doesn't it? We open with Bruno singing along to Proud Mary. Shirley goes through Alexandra flexing her knees, giving great pivots and kickball changes. Shirley is also wearing incredible earrings that look like those magic tricks you get with several hoops that you have to pull apart and join back together, wonder if she borrowed them from The Lovely Debbie McGee? Darcey then demonstrates Aston’s sickled feet and how that damages the line of the leg. Wow, actual footwork technique from Darcey, let’s remember this moment for all of time. We look at Charlotte and Craig says her upper body should be still in the jive rather than all over the place as in the clip. We then look at Ruth and Anton and unfortunately begin with a moment where their legs are slightly out of time with one another, but then we focus on her steely facial expression and Bruno saying she really looked like she was determined to go for it.

More results. Safe are: Brian and Amy - she is ridiculously excited about this, such a strange dynamic with those two; Debbie and Giovanni; Aston and Janette; Gemma and Aljaž; Mollie and AJ, leaving Jo and catchier and Charlotte and Brendan. The couple in the dance off are, indeed, Charlotte and Brendan, meaning that the dance off is surely rendered pointless as we all know who the judges will send home. But still, we have to fill that airtime.  Charlotte says she is disappointed as they were trying to come back fighting and she loved the dance, but it is what it is, which is everyone’s catchphrase tonight for some reason. Tess goes over to the judges for advice and I’m sure their only advice could be 'hope Davood doesn’t even bother doing his dance'- and even then, I’m not convinced they’d put Brendan and Charlotte through. Darcey tells her to just keep her focus and do a great job. Brendan says they had an incredible time and they’ll go out fighting. I like how he’s not even pretending they have a chance of staying.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia reminds Brian that he told her the only exercise he’d ever done before was walking the dog and next week they have the jive. Brian doesn’t make a joke about this, but gets all sincere and says it’s just a privilege to be here. He then says that he’s been learning a lot from Anton, sorry Aston, and we have a moment to focus on their unlikely bromance as they embrace each other enthusiastically. I guess someone out there ships it, but it makes me feel a little bit sick in my mouth, sorry. Claudia asks Aston if he will call his child Brian or Brianetta (not Brienne?  Brianna? Briony?). We also learn that Debbie and Giovanni have the rumba next week - I. Can’t. Wait. Claudia tells Gemma she is the only celebrity who has gone up every week in the scores and Aljaž punches the air.  Does that say more about them or about everybody else, though? They have the foxtrot next week. Mollie and AJ have the Viennese waltz and Mollie is looking forward to getting back into ballroom. Claudia points out Joe’s fascination with dancing with furniture and asks if he is quietly building a home. She asks what else you would like to dance with and he suggests a pizza oven and a Lamborghini. Don’t make suggestions that you know the props team are likely to uphold, Joe.

Our pre-dance off interviews feature Davood saying he was a bit surprised to be in the bottom two after getting his highest score (especially when there are still so many celebrities in the competition) and if he goes he had a really good time. Davood, you could vomit all over the judging panel and the front row and still sail through over the others, don’t worry about it. Brendan thanks Charlotte for being a wonderful partner and tells her to just give her everything on the dancefloor and not leave a bit of herself off there. I must say, I haven’t generally seen stars leaving their random body parts on seats, but maybe there’s a first time for everything. [Except for that time Erin's hair fell out in the dance-off. - Steve]

Davood and Nadiya dance first and there is some clever work on behalf of the camera crew, who choose to focus almost exclusively on his bum, to the extent that it’s me ages to notice that he’d fluffed a couple of the moves, so distracted was I. He then massively struggles to lift her leg for one of their final moves, but overall it’s more than competent enough to see them through to next week. That said, I’d love it if Charlotte and Brendan were able to pull off a jive of the level of Alexandra’s in this dance off, just for the hell of it. Of course they don’t - but Brendan attempts to rival Oti in the puling focus stakes, popping, preening and pointing down the camera lens. Charlotte is also participating in the situation. A bit.

Craig saves the couple who ‘danced the best and fixed a problem’ (Brendan almost fixed the problem of… well, Charlotte having any role in the dance), Darcey the couple who ‘gave the best technical performance’ and Bruno ‘a couple who actually danced better than Saturday’ – you’ll be shocked to hear they all save Davood and Nadiya, as does Shirley.

Charlotte says she’s had an amazing time and thanks Brendan and all her supporters.  Tess says she’s improved and we cut to Karen on the balcony pulling an ‘uh-huh, sure she has’ face.  Brendan says it’s been one of the best Strictlies he’s had in 15 years.  He got to sass the judges a lot and do Top Gun, of course he did. They dance off to ‘Don’t Stop’ and I look forward to the aftermath on ITT on Monday.  Next week, Steve’s off having a social life or something so I’ll see you then for Week Before Halloween Week!