Wherefore art thou, Tonioli-o?

Week 5: Top 12 Perform - 21 October 2017

Last week! Following a fairly boring first section, the emotions ran high as Alexandra gave us our first 10s of the series for her 'Proud Mary' jive, Susan and Kevin finished us all off [fnar -Steve] with their Morecambe and Wise quickstep and Jonnie and Gemma became official contenders. Meanwhile, Davood and Nadiya featured in our first shock!bottom two of the series, facing off against Brendan and Charlotte and bringing the Brendan vs Shirley narrative of the series to an abrupt end (if we exclude It Takes Two and all of the upcoming bitterviews Brendan will no doubt be giving until the next series).

Cue credits! Charlotte doesn’t really have the hang of the dancing thing even in front of the green screen, in retrospect.

Tess and Claudia enter. Tess is wearing a red dress - unusually with a symmetrical neckline, with a split up the thigh. Straightforward, does make her look a little bit Baywatch when combined with the fake tan. Claudia, however, appears to have been replaced by Anna Richardson for the evening. So maybe we are now going to be choosing dances purely based on the anatomy of their participants, just like in the old days like when Len would go woargh over a SPORTSMAN. (What do you mean we already have a tendency to judge on anatomy, how very dare you?)

The judges enter-individually, this time. Darcey is wearing a red dress with black lace; Craig a purple Velour suit and Shirley a blue dress the exact same colour as the studio lighting. Whether or not this was deliberate, I have no idea - it could go either way with the mind that is Shirley Ballas. 

Tess and Claudia alert us to the fact that Bruno is missing in case we hadn’t noticed, due to pre-existing work commitment (something to do with DWTS apparently, although when I went googling for what he was doing, I came across a DS thread that said Bruno being missing WOULD MESS WITH STRICTLY HISTORY. We've had Donnie 10s and that thing that happened last Christmas, I think the show will survive). They reassure us that he will be back for Halloween next week. Just a hunch, but I’m guessing that’s not the only time we’ll hear the H word this week - if not tonight, then it'll be all over the results show. 

Our stars enter: Ruth and Anton (Ruth in a blue dress with a white neckerchief that makes her look uncomfortably like Margaret Thatcher and a wig straight from the head of an 80s sitcom mum undergoing a mid-life crisis); Davood and Nadiya; AJ Mollie; Brian and Amy; Gemma and  

Aljaž; Simon and Karen; Debbie and Giovanni; Aston and Janette; Joe and Katya; Susan and Kevin; Jonnie and Oti; Alexandra and Gorka. Looking at the couples, there is quite the costuming going on this week. Three sets of yellow (and I like yellow, but the way it’s being deployed tonight - I’ll reserve my judgement on for now); two couples in black and white; Kevin and Susan wearing what looks to be plastic; Joe and Katya in full on Spanish stereotype overload; and Gemma’s come as Tess Daly-asymmetrical neckline and everything.

The first couple of the evening are Davood and Nadiya. Tess reminds us that last week they ended up in the dance off and that this week, their routine is set in a coffee shop and they only have 'one shot' to get it right. Not if they’re in the dance off again, Tess.

The comedy gimmick for their VT is that Davood says he is a method actor, so to get into character as a barista for his dance, he's going to have a go at being one in a coffee shop. Given that Davood’s main storylines on EastEnders have involved getting people pregnant and having a heart condition, I slightly worry what kind of method acting he’s been getting up to. Unsurprisingly, he can’t work the coffee machine - in Albert Square they still haven’t invented espresso, storyliners, give him a break. [Ben's bit of posh ordered an Americano in the caff the other day, they're getting there slowly. - Steve]

They are dancing the jive to 'Tell Her About It' and they are wearing the kind of outfits we usually see in the party Latin dances, which makes me wonder if Vicky Gill’s team have no faith in him staying much longer and want to use the designs they already have in their mind for him. He is wearing a red top slashed down the chest, while she’s wearing a red dress with colourful ruffles at the bottom. They are both wearing the same shade of red as Tess - clearly the market were doing a job offer on certain colours of fabric this week. Now, either being in the dance off last week has really got to him, or he is coming to the point where he hasn’t got much else to give, because this is not particularly good. It isn’t helped by the fact he’s wearing weirdly flared trousers that flap about every time he kicks and only emphasise the lack of precision in his kicks (and there's not much in the way of flicks). He stutters about, trying to coordinate his legs and the end results is quite messy. He does do a reasonable job with keeping up with the tempo, and there are one or two lifts and tricks that work okay, but as for the basic jive content? It’s not going to put him up there in the league of best jive ever (and let's be honest, anyone can join that club going on recent evidence).

Tess tells us they were full of beans because the script writers are all over the coffee jokes tonight (there was also an espresso one in the VT that I did not deign to recap) and introduces us to our singers, emphasising that Lance is back to replace that one shot Jamie just here for the Darkness cover last week. Lance puffs his chest out. You show him who the alpha is, Lance. Also, Dave Arch and the wonderful wonderful orchestra are here, too. Dave Arch looks weirdly sad, for some reason. I guess he really just misses Bruno. Or Brendan.

Shirley says they set the tone for the evening and she admires him trying the toe heel swivel and the pattycake hands. I'm slightly mesmerised by Shirley either wearing no lipstick or one that's very very pale, which, combined with her fake tan, means we can’t really see her lips at all.  Craig says he had little bit too much bodywork going on and needs to watch his free arm as it seemed a bit purposeless. He says the feet lacked some retraction and when he did a cartwheel his legs went perfectly straight and he needs to point his foot-unless in the Charleston. However, it was bright and lively and he thought he sold really well. Darcey says it was energised but Craig was right about the free arm and that his arm looked like it was dislocated from his socket. Just wait until you see their plan for Halloween, Darcey. Nadiya's got literal instruments of torture just waiting. [By that do you mean "her choreography"? - Steve] They bound up to the Clauditorium and we discover that Dianne and Chloe's matching dresses this week appear to be some kind of silver and gold stripey affairs. Davood shows us that he has socks with 'good luck Davood' written on them. Scores: six, eight, eight for a total of 22. Isn’t it weird that a total of 22 feels inflated? 

Time for the comedy terms and conditions routine - this week it’s performed to Björk's 'It's Oh So Quiet', with Brendan, Pasha and Neil dressing as swan dress era Björk to perform a comedy dance routine. Pasha’s comic timing remains, as ever, in a world of its own.

Mollie and AJ now, and an AJ fan has been clearly unhappy with the way we’ve been covering this couple so far, so perhaps this week they are due for a redemption arc? Or, more of the same bland, boring routines, who can say? In an act of revisionist history, their ropey performance last week that was treated then as a success is being presented here as a failure. Interesting.  That aside, their VT is basically a re-run of Davood and Nadiya’s from last week about getting sick during the Viennese waltz and I am not here for that at all. However, just as I was thinking that these guys are gonna have to try a lot harder to get me interested in new than simply repeating VT’s from an equally dull couple that we only saw a week ago, AJ the strict rears his head again and, instead of giving Mollie some namby-pamby sickness bracelets to overcome her motion sickness, takes her to ride on various white knuckle rides.…well, the teacups, followed by an actual horrible ride. Even teacups make me vomit, to be honest, and I bet Davood would have been blowing chunks everywhere. Mollie, sadly, remains composed.

Whilst I have not been invested in their dances up to this point, they’ve won me over this time simply by virtue of situating their dance on the murder rotunda at Lassiter’s Lake, complete with Shane Rebecchi’s piss fuelled Diwali lights (and if I have to explain those references to you then I am going to be mightily disappointed that the crossover between our readership and Neighbours viewership is not as strong as I believe it to be please sort your life priorities out). Mollie is wearing a nice white dress with a sparkly bodice-okay, so it is a little bit sub-tier Abbey Clancy, but it looks pretty enough for this kind of dance, even if her hair is in insufferably twee braids around the crown of her head. AJ, meanwhile is wearing a cravat as a tie, over an open shirt, which is a… choice, and tight trousers than you even normally see the likes of Aljaž in. Seriously - those things are giving me a closer look at his attributes than I ever necessarily wanted. It’s like the days of Nicky and his no-no all over again. If they are deliberately doing this to try and garner him a fan base alongside the other male pros, then I can see that it might be working. I can’t think of him that way, he’s too young, it would be like seeing one of my students in such a situation, but for those who don’t have such scruples, go ahead and feast your eyes. [Those trousers looked all wrong to me - Vicky Gill and the wardrobe team usually fit the men's trousers in a way that highlights their, erm, assets but AJ's were just far too tight and made him look like a city boy dressing down for All Bar One at the weekend. - Steve] They are dancing the Viennese waltz to 'Anyone Who Had a Heart' and it’s easily the best they’ve danced so far even if AJ’s trousers (and the uncomfortable way the pockets are peeking out the side of his legs because the trousers are just too damn tight-there really was no need for pockets in this situation) are kind of distracting. This kind of dance absolutely suits Mollie’s personality and, whilst it’s a Viennese waltz, so it’s hardly going to set the world alight, it’s the first time they’ve looked quite comfortable together and so a decent job all round, you two, well done. Now please don’t go and be boring again for the rest of the series, thanks.

Craig says he loved the opening armography, thought they took a little long to get into the Viennese proper, but when they did they had great frame and Mollie did a good job following AJ’s lead. However, with the shock news recently that rumba is difficult for female celebrities, we have a new HARD FOR TEH MENZ dance in town. Yes, Craig says the Viennese waltz is easier for the female celebrities than the males because they don’t have to lead. Will this become a running saga? God I hope not, but if it puts to death the terrible tales of the blokerumba, that will at least be some relief. Darcey said they looked like they were on a carousel of their own (?) and danced with real grace, but Mollie sometimes grimaces and holds on for grim death when she needs to have a little bit more fluidity in the body. Shirley says it was very romantic and that they transported her to a different place - me too, Shirley, but probably not the same one as you. She enjoyed the high-speed rotations, the swing and sway, and was especially pleased AJ had put together a reverse turn and a natural turn.

In the Clauditorium, we learned that Mollie trained for nearly 30 hours this week. Isn’t it time we have some stats about training on ITT? I feel like we usually have had them by this time of the series. Also: Mollie loves the ballroom. We also learn AJ is strict Monday-Thursday (according to Claudia and Mollie) but he claims his strict day is a Thursday. Oti, in the background, laughs, at the thought of having a single strict day. Scores: eight, eight, eight for a total of 24. Mollie gives a massive air punch after Craig’s score, and then feels she has to follow through with an air punch for the other two, but each of them feel remarkably timid in comparison. In the background, Ruth's Margaret Thatcher outfit and her ridiculous wig are distracting me.

We are promised Debbie and Giovanni doing the rumba in a rainstorm - with actual water? I am so here for that if so.

What I am less here for - Simon and Karen. I’ve got past the point of hating him, surely that’s all the journey he needs now producers?

If you thought Mollie and AJ’s VT was rehashing Davood and Nadiya’s from last week, that's nothing compared to this-in an exact replica of Ruth and Anton’s VT last week, Simon takes Karen onto the set of his TV show, where she chats to Tim Lovejoy and he performs some Charleston moves-Simon says these are Tim’s thoughts about what the Charleston looks like. Spoiler alert: they resemble it more than Simon’s attempts. As this is the most attention I have ever played to Tim Lovejoy in my life, does anyone know whether or not he adopted the name Tim as his professional name in direct reference to The Simpsons or whether that was just a coincidence? [I am deeply disappointed that his wife's name isn't Helen. - Steve] I’m not invested enough to the point of, say, wanting this to be a whole narrative on Strictly if he becomes a contestant in the future - I think we can live quite comfortably without. Also: this VT includes this line from Simon: 'my physicality struggles with the big swivel', so that’s something.

They’re dancing to a Gene Kelly song called 'Fit As a Fiddle', and this is a full on played for laughs routine, which is the only way they can really go, so I don’t blame Karen/the Charleston choreographers for this at all. However, it’s so corny that it might make viewers of a more sensitive dispositions teeth hurt. What is really odd about the whole thing is that this is a song from Singing in the Rain and it has been choreographed to almost exactly replicate the routine in the film (with a half-hearted nod to Charleston here and there). Why, then, wasn’t this just used in movies or musicals week? I’m sure Simon would have been perfectly fine not having to play Buzz Lightyear, for example. There’s also a nod in the routine to other classic slapstick, such as that of Laurel and Hardy - all of which means there is a lot of dancing that isn’t particularly Charleston and, given its Simon, bless him, a lot of dancing that isn’t particularly dancing. It suits Karen’s personality down to the ground, but I don’t think Simon is quite as adept at being a wacky goofball as she is. Perhaps one of the other comedy contestants might have been able to pull off the corny-ness a little better. Their yellow check costumes are an acquired taste, and, as with Davood, the bagginess of Simon’s trousers serve to make the footwork look even worse than it is.  The look kind of suits Karen though. And fair play to Simon, whilst he hasn’t got much in the way of technique, his energy is really showing and he’s making a valiant attempt at keeping up with the pace of the routine even if it doesn't quite extend to being in time with Karen. At the end, Karen shouts 'get in!'. I'm kind of assuming from that that rehearsals have, perhaps, gone even worse. All that said, I didn’t necessarily hate watching it - it was a mess, but an entertaining mess. 

Darcey said she loved his energy and thought it was sweet how matching they were, but felt it was missing some key ingredients (like most of the Charleston?) including swivel and character. She says he looked a little nervous throughout. Simon says he can't actually swivel as he did in his achilles a few years ago - but Darcey suggests he could have gone with the other leg. Simon, I don’t think you’re playing the injury game very well. Normally people make a whole thing of it through ITT appearances and VTs for weeks on end-bit late in the game to pull it out after you fail to do a dance, mate. Amateur. [Also, as someone who is recovering from an Achilles tendon injury at this very moment, I am not entirely convinced that it impacts one's swivelling abilities in any discernible way. - Steve] Shirley praises it from being massively entertaining and for Simon keeping up with the tempo change part-way through the music, whilst Craig says that he would have been happy just with swivel in Simon’s good leg and that when he does his flappy arms, he needs to break the wrist. Jesus, Craig, I know you’re the ‘mean judge’, but that’s taking it to extremes.

In the Clauditorium we get more discussion of Tim Lovejoy and it was bad enough when we had this kind of segment about actual famous people like Brian Connolly and also it might encourage more Eammon Holmes, so moving along swiftly - scores: five, five, six for a total of 16. Claudia previews Brian and Amy’s dance being done as a tribute to Hi-De-Hi!, only she pronounces it Hi D’Hi, which is hilariously posh.

Debbie and Giovanni next. Their VT is a tribute to Paul Daniels and that’s very sweet and everything, but there aren’t many jokes to be found here, so onto the dancing! Their rumba is to 'Baby Can I Hold You'. They have got the better part of the draw with costumes-Giovanni in a floaty white shirt and black trousers; Debbie in a black and white dress. The routine isn't perhaps quite as filthy as it could have been, going on the promise of their paso, but it is still pretty sensual and romantic. It’s the kind of dance that suits Debbie’s ballet background well, because she can do a lot of the posing and slower moves with ease. There is one point where Giovanni has to push her into doing the next move, so I’m not quite sure what happened there - otherwise, not perhaps the most exciting rumba we’ve ever seen, but a return to form and it gets a full on standing ovation from the audience.

Shirley says she’s lost somebody as well, so she could see Debbie performing that for Paul. She says she’s never seen anyone with a standing leg as beautiful as Debbie’s and she thought the dance was full of beautiful poise and balance. Craig says he feels the need to channel Bruno at this point, and goes into a full Bruno impersonation, flinging his arms and body around and praising Giovanni, before attempting to grope the female judges and putting his fist under his chin, then falling off the chair. That was actually really funny, bless him. [And, considering he had a hip operation last year, an impressive commitment to the bit at potentially great personal risk. - Steve] Darcey says she agrees, but won’t imitate that - she thought it was wonderful how Debbie caressed the floor with her feet and she loved the leg line.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says nobody ever loves the rumba and she was surprised that Debbie did and Debbie says she’s been doing the rumba all around the supermarket. Scores: nine, nine, nine for a total of 27 and they are ecstatic about that.

Time for Claudia’s comedy corner. This week’s gag? Tess asks her to bring her something to nibble on from the shops. Claudia returns with a trolley full of Pasha. Okay, I’m dead. Which is handy, because that means I won’t have to relive the next dance, will I?

Oh no, apparently I’m in hell and I do. I’ve been really bad haven't I? I know, it was not particularly liking Mollie and AJ’s dance last week, wasn’t it? Anyway it’s Brian and Amy who will be doing their routine set in a holiday camp and they reminisce about their holiday camp experiences. Also: the show has been waiting for years to use up all of its Welsh jokes and references, so get ready for an onslaught. Brian and Amy go to Wales (largely unspecified, but a throwaway comment implies there in Caerphilly). They are dancing to Tom Jones ('It’s Not Unusual') and Amy is channelling Ruth Madoc in the opening to her dance, doing the xylophone and everything, as if she is auditioning for the surely forthcoming BBC Four origins of Hi-De-Hi drama. The 40th anniversary is coming up, get on it. (Although I am the exact same age as it, so let’s just imagine the 40th is many, many, many moons away).

They are wearing the Maplins blue and yellow and Amy definitely comes off better than Brian - who is wearing a banana coloured suit with a satin blue panel on the back of his waistcoat that looks like plastic and is a slightly different shade to his blue shirt. As for the dance, which is ostensibly a jive, it starts off with Brian attempting to do some kind of pastiche of Tom Jones dancing/the Carlton dance and failing to emulate either successfully… And it gets worse from there onwards. He is gaining all the way through, as is his tendency - when he’s out of hold, his hands are a complete mess, with him thinking of nothing to do with them - and even in hold, he still struggling to keep to time. Amy has quite cleverly choreographed a move into it where she is continually putting her hand on his back to push him into position and it perhaps looks a little bit less jolting than whatever happened in Giovanni and Debbie’s dance, but only because she's so clearly been rehearsing for him to go wrong. And for all the critique we had of Joanne’s skirt wafting in the jive last year, Amy's taking takes that to a whole 'nother level here.

Tess asks Craig if it put him in the holiday mood and Craig says not really. I don’t know Craig, I went to a holiday park earlier this year for research [I need to know more about this please - Steve] and the talent show was about on the same level - except that was with eight-year-olds in the off-season, who probably should have been at school anyway. Craig says he looks like a wind-up toy but at least he has some good energy. Darcey says she unusually loved it and then proceeds to slag every aspect of it off, such a strange one. Shirley says it has the feelgood factor and starts to make a wanking motion, naughty Shirley. She thinks he is safest in hold so he needs to try and stay in hold in all of his other dances if he stays in. Like to see that in, say, Charleston, Shirl.

In the Clauditorium, we hear that Amy put in a special move for Shirley, but we can't actually hear what this is because she whispers and then Brian waffles all over her and I have the foggiest and I’m not going to rewind it to find out, sorry. Scores: four, six, six for a 'oh we are at that stage of the competition already are we' score of 16. I might have given 16 in a week with four judges, I guess.

Also: Amy’s forced grin at the idea of staying another week with Brian Conley gets more and more desperate, doesn’t it?

Susan and Kevin now and Tess makes a nonsensical joke about pizza and garlic bread that Chris has already recapped better than I could, so I’ll leave you to read his critique. Anyway, last week they did well-this week they have the cha cha and are not even pretending the going to do the same thing this time round. No worries Susan, everybody’s cha cha this year (except Aston) has involved a VT of how much they hate it. Also, for those who remember the training rooms covered in heads in Helen Georges series, they seem to have invested one of Susan and Kevin’s training rooms as well.

They are dancing to 'Shout Out To My Ex' and Susan opens it as a woman in floods of tears covered in a big towelling dressing gown and pyjamas. What’s interesting in the story of this dance is that Susan (a lesbian) is playing a spurned lover of Craig (a bisexual man) whilst Kevin Clifton (a heterosexual man) [if he says so - Steve] plays her gay best friend, coming over to cheer her up. Layers upon layers here, people. The faffing about before they get into the dance goes on for ever, but they’re ripping up photos of Craig, which I guess is cathartic for some of the audience as well as them. Susan then gets rid of her dressing gown and pyjamas and looks a bit like Heather from EastEnders when they do all those Children in Need singing specials. This is not her dance-especially because her limbs really aren’t suited to this kind of routine and the dress makes her look super dumpy. Her arms are a total mess and I’m not sure cha cha favours anyone except the super graceful particularly, but it really doesn’t favour short people. It ends with them tipping glitter and junk food all over the set and then collapsing on the sofa, presumably in tribute to Kevin's classic first dance with Susanna Reid. 

Over with Tess, Susan claims have to have choked on glitter - and I'm getting flashbacks of Michelle McManus here. Kevin says he had a technique for getting Susan to remember the rhythm of the cha cha - to say 'Susan Calman is an awesome dancer'. Susan’s face demonstrates that this never really worked for her. 

Darcey says she steps out too much and that if she kept her movements tighter it would have been more controlled, although her performance sold it. Shirley says she loves her and she appreciates that Susan commits to the steps, even when the technique isn’t right. She tells her next week to actually start working on her arms. Craig says he’s upset that she ripped up his photos and that he loves her energy and performance, but technically it had no hip action and it wasn’t great. Susan says it was because she was so upset about them splitting up. I think it might have been funnier if Bruno had been the ex, especially as it would have had the sting of truth.

In the Clauditorium, Susan jokes that she's never been dumped and Digital Spy takes it literally. Scores: four, five, seven for a total of 16. Can’t say that was worth the seven, but then it probably wasn’t worth the four either - at least in comparison to the rest of tonight’s duffers.

We get a half-time leaderboard that hilariously has 3/6 couples on 16. Oh the joys of three judges.

Time for Aston and Janette now and Janette has set him some homework to 'think about what he loves most in the world' - surely better homework would be to master the actual waltz, Janette, but what do I know? Anyway, he loves his wife and the unborn baby and Aston really likes that sensation of feeling the baby kick - hey, it’s already better at it than Brian Conley.

They are dancing the waltz to 'Can’t Help Falling In Love With You' and they lucked out when it came to costumes. Aston is in a full-on Patrick Swayze style loosely fitted white shirt with black trousers, whilst Janette is in a really pretty ivory frilly dress. The dance itself is as unlike a waltz as anything we’ve seen on the show this series so far. It’s full of barely legal lifts, contemporary dancing/rumba elements and looks more like the kind of thing the pros do when they are dancing in front of the guest performer of the week’s latest dirge than as a technical ballroom routine. The bits that are waltz-like look fine, other than Aston’s back hunching over a little bit too much.

In the audience we cut to a woman who has PURITY OF DAHNCE written all over her face and remains sitting down resolutely whilst others give it a standing ovation. That was some sassy camerawork there.

Shirley says that in most places he had a good frame and it was pretty impressive. Fairly faint praise, there. Craig said he enjoyed it but in places it was a little bit too sharp, but he loved the contemporary opening because this week he's not being a rules lawyer. Darcey says she loves the modern twist and the expressiveness in his body, but she thought it was a bit too fussy for the waltz and it could have been more simple. She liked it better when they were in hold and she saw more grace and control. Scores: eight, eight, eight for a total of 24. 

Ruth and Anton now. The theme of their dance is going to be something about an aeroplane, with Ruth being an air hostess, so he takes her to a flight simulator that they use for training in British Airways (I think?) [that's the best guess I can make from the uniforms, yes - Steve]. A bunch of unfortunate employees have to sit in the simulation and dance along with them. Any one of them seems to be able to perform Latin better than Anton does. Hey ho.

The dance begins with Anton sitting as a passenger in a suit reading the paper, whilst Ruth (in her Maggie Thatcher dress) pushes a trolley around. 'Love Is In The Air' kicks in and the faffing about stops as they both rip off their clothes to reveal something quite, quite different underneath. Ruth's in a bright red and pink Latin dress, but it’s Anton who is taking overshadowing your partner to the extreme here. Looks like he watched what Oti was doing last week and took it as a challenge. This dance is all about Anton and his lack of respect for Latin, and if we have to have Anton!Latin, I would far rather he does it this way. He's resplendent in pink sparkly trousers and a bright pink shirt with enormous red and pink ruffles all the way up and down. It’s the campest thing on earth. Ruth, bless her, is hopeless - she can’t go under Anton’s arms when he tries to twirl her round - multiple times. And mostly she’s just there as a prop for Anton to whirl around, but what larks. See, Brendan, that's how you overcompensate. [This was SUCH a mess, but I loved it. I laughed so much I nearly passed out. - Steve]

Craig said it took him back to being in the Pan Pacific Grand Prix of Strictly Ballroom and the 1950s and says he finds it hard to dig because he could see it was a parody, but there was also some Samba content in there somewhere. Anton: 'That was the real McCoy dear'. Craig says he loved the comedy, but not so much the technique. Darcey says she loved the crazy side of Ruth - yes, because Ruth was so present in all of that, Darcey. Shirley appreciates the parody of dance specifically from 1976 to 1979. Such a nerd, I love it.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Ruth is usually in tears on Tuesday. Somewhere, Mollie is cursing her lot. Scores: five, five, six for a total of 16 - the official score of duffers tonight.

Gemma and Aljaž now, and apparently Gemma felt last week that she was dancing for all the women last week. I’m not sure who we as women are supposed to be rooting for yet though. Is it plucky Debbie who is long-limbed despite being 58, Susan who is every woman and so relateable, Ruth who has to put up with Eammon, Alexandra who is a confident monster emotional being, or Gemma who is DED NORMAL. Also the foxtrot makes her feel sick but we already had several of those with the VWs this series, so *fast-forward*. [To be fair, I'm sure anyone who watched the series six final feels sick whenever they see a foxtrot too. - Steve]

They are dancing to Cher's 'Believe', which is the perfect tune for party Latin, or dancing on the fridge as per my French housemates from uni days, but not really a foxtrot tune. This is some useless John Lewis version of it, so they lose points for that, but they have some of the nicer costumes - Gemma in a lace and gold dress, Aljaž in black figure hugging trousers, but not quite the level of AJ's. The dance itself is very moody and full of lots of contemporary wafting - not a very foxtrotty foxtrot, but closer to the spirit of the dance than that thing Janette and Aston did earlier, so I can’t complain too much.

Darcey says she was taken with the dance and the emotion of it, Shirley says she managed to bring romance, with a gentle rise and fall, but her steps small when she does the quick quick (as in quick quick slow), so the opposite issue to Susan. Craig says the front runners in the competition need to start being worried. I’m not sure who Craig is referring to by the front runners (I assume Debbie, Aston and Alexandra) but Gemma has beaten all of them at least once or will have by the end of the evening and, other than her first week, she’s always been up there in the leaderboard. Plus they’re the only couple whose scores have improved week on week. (Yet another thing Bruno has gone and ruined with his DISRESPECTING OF STRICTLY HISTOTY) - they might be trying to make her a dark horse, but their stats say otherwise.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Mollie loves to be in hold and Gemma hates it. We also learn that foxtrot is Aljaž’s favourite. He really is weird this series, isn't he? Scores: eight, eight, eight for a total of 24. Working really well, this three-judge setup.

Claudia says all Gemma wants to do is make Aljaž happy. Gemma pulls a face that suggests otherwise. As she should. #everydaysexism

Jo and Katya now and their trajectory has been very much good dance bad dance good dance bad dance, meaning this week should be their turn for a good dance. They are dancing the Paso Doble, so of course, they need to do one of those fat suits sumo wrestling things. This VT is pointless and I’m over it already.

They are dancing the Paso to 'Diablo Rojo' and the more traditional style of music works in their favour. This is a real change in form from last week-it is powerful and dynamic and he copes really well with the shaping, if he is a bit clumpy in the transitions. He is wearing the full Matador gear and she’s wearing a flamenco dress and this is the first good bloke Paso we’ve had all series (unsurprisingly given who’s had them so far), and it puts him up there with the lady Pasos, which have all been pretty enjoyable so far. It could be the year of the good Paso is, potentially, thinking about who still hasn’t done one. Even Ruth and Anton might pull something hilarious out of the bag, you never know. There are one or two moments where it looks a little forced, or he overdoes the movement, but overall it’s a solid attempt so and probably his best dance yet.

Shirley says 'the Phoenix is risen from the ashes'. Don’t worry, they'll be down there again next week on the evidence so far. She says there was so much 'candy' in there that she didn’t know what to look at and that it was really clever choreography. She says it’s the best male paso so far, but its competition is Brian and Richard so… Craig said it had a few stilted moments, but had strong shaping and commitment and he executed some difficult moves really well. Darcey loved the Spanish-style and the selecting and shaping. She praises Katya's choreography again. Tess says 'the best male paso of the series, it doesn't get better than that'. Well, there are a good few left to come, Tess, let’s not get too hasty. Joe points out that he shaved his body hair and that must have helped. I think the jury is out on that. Scores: seven, nine, ten (!) for a total of 26. I’m not sure anyone would have predicted this would be the second dance Shirley would drop the 10 for, but such is the mystery of the Ballas. 

Alexandra and Gorka now and their VT reminds us that they had a triumphant jive, but they've got the samba this week, so good luck keeping that up. Apparently Alexandra has balance issues, so the latest in her elocution lessons involves her putting a book on her head and not being able to find books as she puts a box of Godiva chocolates on her head and we get a view of Casa Alexandra. She has a lot of family photos on her coffee table which doesn't seem very practical.

They are dancing to 'Shape Of You'. And have we not already learned our lessons about Ed Sheeran, show? Alexandra is also in some yellow fabric from Vicky Gill’s job lot, whilst Gorka is in black. In places, this routine is really sexy - as if they’ve been taking lessons from Giovanni and Debbie - but unfortunately when they do side by sides it loses a bit of this energy. It mostly feels a little bit underpowered, which is unusual, coming from Alexandra Burke. Her hair is all over the place as well, as they styled it down and it seems to be getting in the way and distracting her. Oh well - not a terrible dance by any stretch of the imagination, but she's certainly got better in her.

Craig says she danced brilliantly but she is pigeon-toed. Has he stolen the cue cards for after Aston?  Darcey says her body doesn’t stop moving and she has really fluid isolations, but she does have to clean up her transitions and bring her feet together. Shirley says they expect a lot from her because she has great power and energy, but she agrees with Craig and Darcey that she needs to work on the detail scores: seven, eight, eight for a total of 23 and she seems pretty disappointed with that. She says it’s fine, but we all know that with three judges that feels a lot worse than it might have done had Bruno been along to give it the eight or nine he almost certainly would have done.

Claudia reveals we only have one couple left, hallelujah!

And here they are - Jonnie and Oti. They’ve come after Alexandra and Gorka yet again - the draw monkeys need to work harder. We are reminded that last week, Craig told Jonnie he had have acting lessons, so this week they bring in an acting coach who looks and acts like a caricature of an acting coach, and I suspect they might have got him from Fiverr. He tells Jonnie to flirt with the camera and Jonnie gives it the look of disdain you would expect from him. Still, I suspect/hope that's the end of that storyline now.

They are dancing the quickstep to 'Part-Time Lover'.  It's set in a supermarket, where Jonnie is the shop boy and Oti the glamorous lady customer coming in and practising her rumba moves down the aisle. Debbie McGee inspiring whole routines, what a goddess. They're even in black and white.  As we know from his jive, he can do bouncy goofy dances pretty well, and he's using his blade again which seems to really help. I’m not necessarily claiming that I see a great deal of improved performance in his face, but I do see him giving some sly looks at the camera because he knows we'll be looking at that. His arms, though, are a bit rubbish-sticking out at really unusual angles in places. Then Oti throws an apple him and leaves her shopping in the supermarket. The end. 

Jonnie reveals rehearsals went badly.  Tess tells him to flirt down the camera and he looks at the one that is actually filming him and then she directs him to another one. The coordination on this show, so slick. Darcey says she saw character coming through hooray. Shirley says he puts a new meaning to 'spring in the step' and Johnny says 'excuse the pun' and Shirley blushes.  God, can you IMAGINE how Len would have reacted to that? Craig says that the stars seem to be aligning for him with all the elements, including the acting, coming together. He says Jonnie does have some tension in his back and he kicked a little bit early in one of the sections but otherwise loved it. In the Clauditorium, we learn that Johnny has dreamt about the dance twice this week. Scores, seven, eight, nine for a total of 24.

Shall we have a leaderboard? 

1. Debbie and Giovanni 27 

2. Joe and Katya 26 

3=. Mollie and AJ 24 

3=. Aston and Janette 24 

3=. Gemma and Aljaž 24 

3=. Jonnie and Oti 24 

7. Alexandra and Gorka 23 

8. Davood and Nadiya 22 

9=. Simon and Karen 16 

9=. Brian and Amy 16 

9=. Ruth and Anton 16 

9=. Susan and Kevin 16

So from that we learn two things. One, they're trying really hard to give this series a sense of drama with lots of people rising and falling at a faster rate than Brendan in a tango. And two, that three judges leads to a leaderboard pile-up of chaos. But will the four way tie at the bottom doom two duffers, or will the scuffle at, well, not the bottom, mean we see a SHOCK!BOOT?  Join me (and Him from The Script and the other ones from The Script) tomorrow to see.