Twirls on film

Week 3: Top 14 Perform (Movie Week) - 7 October 2017

Last week: the class of 2017 faced their first elimination week while the producers learned the perils of back-loading the show with talent as the first 45 minutes or so left us all wondering what the hell we'd just watched. Things went well for the likes of Alexandra, Debbie, Aston, Mollie and Jonnie (and also Davood is included here in the montage even though he got the same score he'd received the week before and some fairly lukewarm critiques from the judges), but pretty much everyone in the front half of the show flatlined - particularly Charlotte, but don't even dare to suggest that was due to any flaw in Brendan's choreography or teachings, he knows where you live, he'll have you fired, he's got friends in high places! Chizzy Akudolu and Brian Conley ended up in the first dance-off, and Chizzy went out because [insert reason here when we actually figure out what it was]. Tonight, it's Movie Week, so the celebs have all been assembled in a small screening room to watch each other's training footage and throw popcorn at each other (Jonnie and Joe seemingly being the two biggest offenders, and I find myself unsurprised by this). It ends with everyone applauding Richard wailing that he can't get the hang of the dance, which seems a little unkind.

Titles! I'm still giggling at the background shenanigans in Chizzy and Pasha's segment. It's such a shame she went out first.

We open with a group routine from the pros and celebs to a La La Land medley (mostly consisting of 'City Of Stars' and 'Another Day Of Sun'), with Brendan as Sebastian (look, he just wants to open up a traditional cha cha cha club where people can come and experience a real cha cha cha and not that watered down populist rubbish that the Shirley Ballases of this world enjoy OKAY) and Nadiya as Mia. I hope they go super-meta by giving Chloe the role of Sebastian's sister, considering their shared position as someone who technically ought to be important but doesn't actually get any screen time. Or that halfway through Jason Gilkison comes out and tells them that it's actually supposed to be a Moonlight-themed routine and someone gave them the wrong envelope. They dance all around the backstage area in various riffs on the opening sequence from the movie, and let me tell you that Anton in a pastel-coloured polo and chinos is not a sight that any sensitive person should have to experience. The routine extends out into the marquee and the studio lot - in bright sunshine, in October, suggesting that this pre-record happened at least three hours ago. They return to the studio and everyone dances together and ticker-tape explodes everywhere. At this point I'm reminded of how, when I went to see La La Land, I really enjoyed the opening number but found the rest of the film never quite lived up to the standard it set. I hope that's not an omen.

Our "leading ladies" Tess and Claudia arrive in their best Academy Awards red carpet get-up - Tess is in a gold sequinned floor-length gown while Claudia is in an asymmetrical black number. I'm not sure that the cut of Tess's dress is completely flattering, but neither outfit is a disaster so let's just count our blessings and move on swiftly. Tess reminds us that some of the greatest screen legends have worked at Elstree Studios, and Claudia cites some examples: Harrison Ford, Jack Nicholson and of course Anton Du Beke. The judges make their entrance, and Shirley appears to have been placed in a dress that's rather too figure-hugging to allow her to walk down the stairs properly, so she has to hitch it up a bit to give her feet some more room and then ends up scurrying across the floor to make sure she hits her mark on time. What an icon.

Claudia holds a moment's recognition for Chizzy, who is now languishing in development hell, and then we move on to welcoming our remaining Strictly stars: Ruth and Anton (as James Bond and his latest romantic interest Gloria O'Minge), Davood and Nadiya (as Tony Manero and Stephanie Mangano), Mollie and AJ (as Maria von Trapp and that kid who turns out to be a Nazi in the end), Brian and Amy (as the Scarecrow and Amy Diamond from Over The Rainbow), Gemma and Aljaž (as Karen Smith's Hallowe'en outfit from Mean Girls and a furry), Simon and Karen (as some guy who got invited to a fancy dress party at the last minute and ended up with a Buzz Lightyear costume from Poundland, and a woman who'd had slightly more notice and went to the Disney Store), Debbie and Giovanni (as two people from Strictly Come Dancing: The Movie - 2Ed2Balls), Aston and Janette (as something out of my nightmares), Richard and Dianne (as Michael Fabricant and a sexy Deku Scrub from The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time), Charlotte and Brendan (as the living embodiment of Brendan's mid-life crisis), Joe and Katya (as a low-budget 1970s Russian porno), Susan and Kevin (as Wonder Woman and Some Guy), Jonnie and Oti (as Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood) and Alexandra and Gorka (as Mary Poppins and Bert the Chimney Sweep, apparently) [Thank God it wasn't just me who thought this and then got confused by their dance music being from My Fair Lady - Rad].

Simon and Karen are opening the show tonight with their Toy Story-themed quickstep. They reflect on last week's performance and how Simon messed up at the end (/throughout), but Karen tells him that he still did a brilliant job out there and carried himself like a professional. A professional wrestler, as far as I can tell. Simon's very excited about Movie Week, and Karen's very excited about them getting to be Buzz Lightyear and Jessie. Because this is Movie Week, we must have Comedy VTs For All, so Simon makes what he pretends is a working jet-pack and keeps wanting to play with it, much to Karen's "annoyance". Karen then has to leave training to take a woody - sorry, to take a call from Woody - so Simon puts on the jet pack, which he can't control. Oh those crazy kids.

And speaking of things that lack control, here's Simon's quickstep. I have some sympathy for him, because 'You've Got A Friend In Me' is not a song that lends itself well to quickstepping [so not.  And such a strange choice given it wasn't that many movie weeks ago that Denise and James danced to it - Rad], despite the changes they've made to the arrangement, and also because that outfit they've given him is really embarrassingly bad. [And is it just me, or did the make-up somehow make him look a bit like Ronan Keating? - Rad] At least leave the man with his dignity! On the plus side, it's the most confident performance Simon has given yet - he seems to know what he's supposed to be doing most of the time, and looks like he's enjoying himself, but the footwork is quite untidy, his hold is quite loose (and I think at one point he loses his grip on Karen entirely) and he does seem to be dragging Karen rather than leading her quite a lot of the time. Karen gets a lengthy solo at the end so Simon can be strapped into a harness and launched into space. Which, considering what's waiting for him with the judges, might have been the better plan.

Tess thanks the wunnerful orchestra and then asks Shirley if Simon has a friend in her. Shirley says that Simon always has a friend in her (yes, we noticed that last week) and she feels that when he holds his frame, he actually has one of the best frames in the competition. She also liked that Simon did some good basic quickstep and Karen didn't try to give him anything more complicated than he could handle (I like to think that pretty much everything Shirley says tonight, and indeed for the rest of the series, should come with a silent "...Brendan" on the end) and he's quite light on his feet for a strapping chap. Bruno felt that "at times you ran out of rocket fuel" and the audience start booing. His problem was the jerking and wobbling in Simon's upper frame, which needs to be still and graceful. Craig disagrees with Shirley - he thought Simon's frame was loose and he lost it halfway through, and that it looked like he was just jogging around the floor. But Craig did like the bit at the end where he flew. Darcey says it's always tough to open the show, but his scattered chassés are bothering her. She can see he's working really hard and the hours will pay off, though.

They go to infinity, and beyond (otherwise known as the Clauditorium) where Claudia says that Simon is doing it for all the dads out there. In certain sections of the gay community, that may well be true. Simon says he feels like he's getting a little bit better each week and understanding it a little bit more. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Shirley 6, Bruno 5 for a total of 19. Claudia reads out the voting number as the Jaws theme plays and Brendan and Neil pretend to be sharks.

In the death slot tonight, we have Ruth and Anton. Ruth says she really enjoyed her charleston last week, but thinks she could have done it better. Still, she was pleased to get some positive feedback. This week they have the rumba, and Ruth says that she hopes Eamonn will be okay with her doing such a sensual dance. It's an Anton rumba Ruth, I think he'll be fine with it. Still, they bring Eamonn in to make sure, and Eamonn arrives with the cardboard cutout of Ruth he's been using for company while she's been off training, and let's not think about that too deeply, eh? Anton refers to it as "Wooden Ruth", which seems like a Freudian slip. Eamonn says that the rumba is "sensual and intense, and Ruth is maybe one of those things on a good day". Lovely.

They're dancing to 'The Diamonds They Are Forever SIRRRRRRR', and the dry-ice machine has been set to "nuclear winter" which suggests that Anton doesn't have total confidence in Ruth's footwork. Ruth is absolutely feeling her long blonde wig [which, combined with the outfit, made me think we were living the second coming of Dr Hamela.  Well, before she started dancing, anyway - Rad] and playing the whole thing with an icy aloofness which in theory is a valid performance choice, but it does mean that there's not much connection between her and Anton here. The routine opens reasonably well, and for the first few bars I think that it might be a decent rumba, but before long it just feels like Ruth is marking it through - there's no finesse to her arm extensions and there's no movement in her hips. I like Ruth, and I'm pleased that her confidence is improving (plus I think she is improving as a dancer, albeit gradually) but the routine promises rather more than it ends up delivering.

Ruth admits to Tess that she has "wept" over this dance in rehearsals, and Bruno says that she could start an ice age with that rumba, but the hips need defrosting. He tells Ruth that she needs to respond to her partner and follow his movements, and her timing went right off. Craig says that the rumba walks were stilted and she needs to have smoother transfer of her weight changes, and to still "live" the four and one beats even if she isn't actually moving on them. Anton bursts in saying that he had a lovely time, as if this is even remotely about him, and says that he feels stirred in a way that he hasn't felt since Fiona Fullerton's cha cha cha. Darcey is desperate enough to tell Ruth how amazing she looks, and to hold on to that look (erm), and advises Ruth to lift her eye level which will help her balance. Shirley says that the rumba was her dance back in the day, and Ruth needs to learn that there are four beats to the bar and she is moving on three of those beats. She adds that there are seven types of rumba walks and "you weren't able to execute them very well today" (ouch), but it was "a good try".

They Bond their way up to the Clauditorium where Claudia says that it is the hardest dance (apart from all the other dances that are also the hardest dance when the narrative calls for it) [also, I thought that sentence always came with a 'for men', what even is this show any more? - Rad], and Ruth says that she loves to watch a beautifully-danced rumba, but she is aware that hers was not one of those. Claudia tells Ruth that her 15-year-old son was watching with total pride, and poor Jack is going to get a lot of shit for that at school on Monday. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Shirley 3, Bruno 4 for a total of 15. Anton says that if they added up all of their marks for the first three shows, he doesn't think they'd score 42. Why he picked "42" there, I have no idea. (Also Anton I have a spreadsheet and your cumulative score so far is 51.) Anton says that it's a work-in-progress, and he reckons they'll be on 45 points by March.

Claudia's link: "Still to come, Gemma and Aljaž dance to The Jungle Book, the story of a little boy lost among some lovable dancing animals. Which reminds me: has anyone seen AJ?" Heh. As a matter of fact, Tess has seen AJ, because he and Mollie are up next with their American smooth to The Sound Of Music. In their VT, AJ says in his weird VT voice that he's really proud of how well Mollie did with her tango last week. Mollie was pleased that her scores are moving upwards, and hopes to continue that trend this week. They've got 'Climb Ev'ry Mountain' and AJ robot-voices that they need to go and train up a mountain. Except, lolifically, it's not a mountain, it is actually the artificial hills of Northala Fields, which is about five minutes' walk from where I live. So pleased that my area has been Strictlified, this is going to do amazing things to the house prices. Mollie turns up in her best "city chic" gear and AJ turns up in what apparently passes for mountaineering gear on this show, including what looks like a yoga mat hanging off his backpack? They scale the mountain, plant a flag, do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight.

Their American smooth is reasonably strong - what dancing they actually do seems decent to me, although I'm a little alarmed by the giant strides they seem to be taking. I know they're both quite wee and have to work harder to cover the floor than some couples do, but even so that seems a little excessive. It loses some of its appeal for me in the second half when it just turns into a colossal liftathon where Mollie's feet barely touch the floor, though.

Craig loved the lifts this week, although Mollie needs to work on smoothening out her landings a little bit. Darcey says that Mollie's control was beautiful throughout, and she just needs to keep her core strong when she comes out of the lifts. Shirley says she's very excited about Mollie because she did an amazing outside spin with her feet closed, with all of her footwork exquisite and she made Shirley's night. Bruno says it was as uplifting and crisp as fresh mountain air, and he thinks their partnering and chemistry is getting better every week.

They climb ev'ry mountain, by which I mean the set of stairs, up to the Clauditorium where Mollie declares herself speechless and about to cry, which Claudia calls "a full Ore Oduba". Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 7, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 30 - a personal best, and the highest score of the night so far.

Up next are Richard and Dianne, dancing the paso doble. Dianne says that on Saturday night there were a few mistakes, and Richard cops to "this whole chunk" that he forgot, and that he thinks the 3 Craig scored him was fair. Onwards and (possibly) upwards to the paso doble, and Dianne says that she thinks Richard's personality is like a big cuddly bear. Either that or she's been reading his Grindr profile. Richard says he's having to dig quite deep in his personality to find his inner macho man. Dianne reports that Richard's getting closer to getting it right as the week goes on, and Richard thinks the dress rehearsal went perfectly. Let's see, shall we?

Well, Richard's paso shaping is not great from the outset, with his arm movements being more like a failed attempt to fly. While the camp value of the routine is tremendous, the actual dancing is fairly alarming: heavy, plodding, and also soft in a way that a paso doble really shouldn't be. And the bit where he tries a paso leap is...ill-advised, at bit. [I would KILL to see this again with someone who could dance because the music and camp factor suit the paso so well - Rad]

Tess tells him he deserves a 10 for the wig, and Darcey describes the routine as "strangely powerful". She says that his splayed fingers are distracting, but the grand jeté en tournant (which I think is the bit I meant when I said "paso leap") at the climax was fabulous. Predictably, Bruno giggles at the word "climax". Shirley tells him that she can't fault his commitment, and she wasn't sure with the flamenco arms if he was knitting, but there were places where he had an oval shape. She would've liked more rotation in the body - it wasn't his best dance, but it was a good try. Bruno calls it "out of this world" and "a paso doble that took an alien form". He thinks Ridley Scott would be proud, and calls it "pure science-fiction". Craig finishes by saying that Richard was stomping around like a tantrum-throwing three-year-old, and the hand shaping was peculiar, and the jeté en tournant was a disaster.

They are dispatched to the Clauditorium to determine whether Gordon is indeed alive, and Richard tells Claudia that he experienced g-force in that performance. He adds that he promises to change his hair before the parish harvest festival tomorrow. Scores: Craig 2, Darcey 4, Shirley 4, Bruno 4 for a total of 14.

After a teaser for some of the routines yet to come, we move on to Debbie and Giovanni. Debbie still can't believe she was top of the leaderboard last week, and says she felt like she was in a fairytale. They do their obligatory meta magic/camera trick gag (this time Giovanni clicking his fingers to summon Debbie to the training room, and Debbie complaining that he's stolen her bit). They have the quickstep this week, and Debbie says that she finds the running bits quite difficult. Debbie jokes that Giovanni keeps telling her she has to be a Ferrari, but he's forgotten she's vintage. She hopes she'll be able to keep up with him this week.

They're dancing to 'Let's Call The Whole Thing Off' from the FRED 'N' GINNNNGE movie Shall We Dance? and it delivers a lot of old Hollywood razzmatazz. It's probably the weakest of Debbie's three dances to date, though that's not to say it's bad in and of itself, but she's right in saying that she finds keeping up with Giovanni a bit of a struggle. There's still some lovely footwork in there though, and it's a fantastic routine from Giovanni, who is absolutely coming into his own this year. I love this partnership and I never want it to end.

Shirley starts by saying that she's "not a fan" of having drawn-out sections at the beginning before they start dancing (lol good luck working on this show then) but she's not going to deduct any points for it - she just thinks that because Debbie is a dancer there's no reason she can't just get on with it. Shirley loved Debbie's scattered chassés, but just wants to give her a thought for the next ballroom dances - to aim for more stillness in the frame, like an elegant swan keeping still above the water. Bruno loved the classic Hollywood style, and says that Debbie must have watched Ginger Rogers closely because she even echoed the mannerisms accurately. Craig says that they broke the "ten-second rule". If you're unfamiliar with this (which you will be, because it appears to have been invented on the spot), they're only allowed ten seconds out of hold during the routine. It's odd how Simon also spent significantly more than 10 seconds out of hold in the middle of his quickstep, and yet Craig didn't feel inclined to invoke this very important rule then. He says he has to mark them down for that - they danced very well, "but rules are rules". Even rules that I'm pretty sure have never been mentioned in the 10 or so years I've been watching this show, even back when they used to claim there were actual proper ballroom rules they were supposed to be following. Darcey loves the way that Debbie uses her neck in hold, and the way she hides every preparation - she thanks Debbie for surprising them every week.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says that she has never heard of the 10-second rule, and Giovanni's like "yeah, me too, odd that isn't it?" Debbie says that this was a hard week - she really struggled to get through to the end of the routine, and to keep up with Giovanni in training. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 29. Claudia points out that this is Debbie's lowest score so far, but it's still a good one. I guess they have to ding Debbie and create some sort of journey narrative somehow, even if they do have to make up new rules to do it. [I can't believe that you missed out Giovanni kissing her lots of times as the results were coming in - Rad]

Brian and Amy are next, with their Wizard of Oz-themed American Smooth. Amy asks Brian how he felt about last week, and he says he enjoyed Saturday night "but the results show, I don't want to be there again". Pretty sure you have to turn up to the results show every week, Brian. From a tearful Brian post-last week's dance off, we cut to training for this week, which seems to be going better. Amy drags Brian to a field to be at one with his inner scarecrow, and then they go to meet Amy's friend Charlie, who is a horse. This VT was brought to you by the Strictly Come Dancing Random Comedy VT Generator, which appears to be malfunctioning slightly this week.

They are, of course, dancing to 'If I Only Had A Brain' (I can't believe we've got this far without any "if I only had a Brian" jokes, but there we are), and I'm as surprised to be writing this as you must be to be reading it, but it's actually quite good? There are lots of comedy bits where Amy lets Brian go and he immediately flops to the ground because he is made of straw, but they don't feel as grating as Brian's normal comedy efforts, and when the two of them are actually dancing in hold you can definitely see an improvement in him. His frame still needs some work, but the dance as a whole is smooth and elegant and actually kind of charming. I'm not a huge fan of Brian, but I'm pleased for the two of them to have come back strong after last week's dip into the dance-off. [Same.  I actually enjoyed that - a real 'in character' dance - Rad]

Bruno begins by applauding Brian's characterisation and the detail he put into the performance, but he feels like he loses the vitality when he goes into hold and starts dancing. Craig would've liked to see more ballroom in that routine and more power in his drive, but he can definitely see an improvement from last week. Darcey is impressed with the timing and the lack of mistakes, but it felt very safe to her. Shirley loved the bits of foxtrot that were in there, and thought the footwork was good. Brian grins "we needed that" to Tess, and the two of them skip up the yellow brick staircase.

In the Clauditorium, Amy says that Brian has worked very hard all week and she's extremely proud of him. Brian, sweetly, says that it's Chizzy's birthday today and wishes her happy birthday on behalf of everyone. (I kind of assumed they'd cut to Chizzy in the audience here but maybe she just decided to go out and get bladdered instead?) Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 5, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 22. Brian and Amy squeal with genuine delight at every single one of those scores, and so help me I'm honestly finding them rather adorable tonight.

Gemma and Aljaž are next, dancing a charleston to 'Bare Necessities' from The Jungle Book. Aljaž compliments Gemma on recovering so well from the little mistakes in last week's waltz, and they're both very happy to have received six points more for their second dance than they got for their first one. This week they've got the charleston, and Aljaž takes Gemma to a safari park to get in the mood. Gemma spots a meerkat and immediately does the "Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!" routine, and then they get into a jeep to go and look at some rhinos and lions and bears, oh my! Gemma goes "look! look!" and for some reason this makes Aljaž go "hmm, yes, I can see you are really getting into the character" - she's meant to be playing Bagheera, mate, I don't recall the part in The Jungle Book where Bagheera just sat there excitedly pointing at other animals, but to be fair it is quite a long time since I've seen it. Gemma hopes the judges find their dance bearable on Saturday night.

I'm finding Gemma's "sexy Bagheera" costume quite alarming, and I'm also wondering if not having stopped fancying Aljaž despite his significantly less sexy Baloo costume makes me a furry, so let's just move right along before this gets any weirder. Gemma and Aljaž have both heeded the warning from Craig last week about how charlestons have to be all gurning, all the time (sigh) so this one is played right down the camera, but there's a good energy level throughout (so much energy in fact that one of Aljaž's bear-ears falls off mid-routine) even if Gemma's not displaying a huge amount of swivel. The whole thing comes across well, generally - as has been the case with a lot of the couples tonight, you can definitely see how much more comfortable Gemma is on the dancefloor than she was two weeks ago. [I enjoyed it a lot - although the blue lighting wasn't the best choice to highlight Gemma in a black costume.  I am SHOCKED that the comedy in the routines is generally landing tonight.  Maybe Halloween will actually... be good? - Rad]

Tess remarks on Aljaž's missing ear and Aljaz says "I can't hear anything!" I'm pretty sure he's not the first person to have faked deafness just to get out of talking to Tess. Craig opens by telling Aljaž that he might want to take the other ear off now, and Aljaž's hurt face in response hits me right in the ovaries. Craig bemoans the lack of basic charleston with cross and swivel in the routines, and remarks that Gemma only swivels on her right legs, but he thought it was full of character and energy and it was brilliant. Darcey tells Gemma she is "one fit lady" who just doesn't tire, because she thought all of her lifts were great, including "your little starfish upside down" [Ola Jordan will be seething - surely she's the only little starfish allowed? - Rad] And here I was thinking Jonnie having his flies open for an entire segment on Monday's It Takes Two was going to be the most exposing wardrobe malfunction of the week. Her only criticism is a slight lack of consistency - she thinks Gemma switches off during the easy steps and only works hard when it gets difficult. Shirley compliments Aljaž on the charleston choreography (which Aljaž then credits to Matt Flint, although you can't really hear him over the roaring approval of the crowd) and admires Gemma's energy, and Bruno calls them "the bear and the pussycat" and asks if he can take them both home. Well, there's a story for the Sunday tabloids. He liked the jazz elements of it and thought it really worked well in these circumstances.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia compliments them on the routine and Gemma says that it was so tiring, and that the professional dancers are all really fit and she doesn't know how they do it. Claudia asks Aljaž if he's nice and cool in that bear costume and Aljaž is all "what month is it? July?" Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 31. Aljaž wishes happy birthday to his little sister, who is in the audience.

Halfway point (oh dear god) leaderboard:

1. Gemma & Aljaž - 31
2. Mollie & AJ - 30
3. Debbie & Giovanni - 29
4. Brian & Amy - 22
5. Simon & Karen - 19
6. Ruth & Anton - 15
7. Rev. Richard & Dianne - 14

Up next are Charlotte and Brendan with their Top Gun-inspired tango, hoping to keep out of the "danger zone". They flash back to last week, and Brendan consoles Charlotte that it was "one mistake, it doesn't matter". I guess if you could the entire cha cha cha as that one mistake, it sort of works. Charlotte cries that she spent hours and hours working on a dance and then couldn't do it. She is very grateful to everyone who voted to save her (from doing it again in the dance-off). She's determined to make this week's tango work, so Brendan takes her to an aerodrome to <strike>live out his fantasies as he weeps internally at the passage of time</strike> embrace her inner fighter pilot. They go up in a plane and do the loop-de-loop and I know we need ("need") comedy VTs this week but I think this is time that would have been much better spent learning how to dance, goddammit.

So yes, they're meant to be Maverick and Charlie (classic Brendan, reading Top Gun as a heterosexual love story rather than the tragic tale of suppressed gay love we all know it to be), but the thing is that my main point of reference for 'Danger Zone' at this point is Archer, so I can't help assuming that they're playing Sterling and Mallory Archer. And given Charlotte's general stiffness and the lack of any real chemistry between them, it doesn't not work as a viewpoint. The dance actually starts out reasonably enough, but Charlotte's very floppy in Brendan's arms and struggles to keep up after a while, ending up just sort of stumbling around the dancefloor. At the end of it Brenda pops her back on the motorcycle that they've been dancing around the whole time and looks like he's going to bite her neck. Someone's already planning his routine for Hallowe'en Week, I suppose.

Charlotte tells Tess she enjoyed it more this week, and Brendan immediately steps in to claim fault for a mistake that no one has actually mentioned yet, so this is going to go well. Darcey tells Charlotte there's a clear difference this week, and she saw the focus there this week. There were bits that went wrong, but she produced some very nice lines - she just needs to work on smoothing out those transitions. Shirley says it's definitely "a little bit better than last week". Brendan: "A little bit?" Shirley: "Yes, definitely, just a little bit Brendan, unfortunately." Shirley then proceeds to address all of her criticisms of Charlotte directly to Brendan, bypassing Charlotte entirely ("she needs to stand on her own two feet" etc) and says that there needs to be no rise-and-fall in the tango. Brendan's all "um, excuse me, there was none". Shirley tells him to watch it back, and Brendan says he certainly will, good DAY Madam. And all the while Charlotte stands in between them biting her lip. Poor Charlotte, basically now just the McGuffin in her own Strictly story. Bruno thought she played the part well, but there are just too many mistakes and Charlotte needs to not cling on to Brendan when she goes wrong. He then adds pointedly that he thinks Shirley is right, and Brendan needs to be more respectful. Brendan blathers "no, I respect all of you, I just don't think there was any rise-and-fall in there", looking very much like the guy who started a fight with the skinny kid in the playground and didn't anticipate that the skinny kid had friends. Craig says that Charlotte did well to recover from last week, and she's much safer in hold, so she's going in the right direction - but it's not going to be a high-scorer.

In the Clauditorium, Charlotte says that she loves to dance and she just wanted to come back and do the best she could and make it work. And probably not to have to deal with her partner trying to have a dick-measuring contest with the head judge, I imagine. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Shirley 4, Bruno 4 for a total of 17. Brendan says that they're going to have to watch it back, because it felt really good. Yeah, I bet Charlotte can't wait to relive this.

Next we have Jonnie and Oti. Jonnie appears to have more eyeliner on his face than you would find in an entire branch of Boots, and his hair is down again. It's working for me, I can't deny it. Tess sits with Jonnie's mum in the audience, and she says that she's never seen him dance before and it's wonderful. Jonnie really enjoyed last week's jive and says that being so close to 30 is amazing (easy to say when you're only 24, sunshine) but he does feel that puts pressure on him now to live up to that score again. This week they've got the paso, in which Jonnie will be playing Indiana Jones, so in order to get under the skin of the character, Oti takes him to meet the nearest real-life equivalent to Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford? No, Ray Mears, of course. They meet where Ray tells Jonnie that he needs to be fearless, wear a hat, be ready for anything, and always come prepared. Jonnie gives this VT the level of commitment it deserves, which is to say not much.

They're dancing to 'The Raiders March', and it begins with Jonnie swinging in from atop the judges' desk on a rope. I think he's meant to flick his whip when he lands, but by the looks of it he has a bit of trouble untangling it so he just pulls it off his belt and discards it in order to get into position with Oti on time. His paso movement is a little stilted and he doesn't seem to know what he's doing with his arms a lot of the time, but his timing is pretty good considering that this isn't really the best music for a paso. Also his butt looks great in those khaki trousers. Hey, I'm just here to report the facts. On a technical level it's not great, but I think he manages to sell it from a performance level - or Oti does, at the very least.

Shirley compliments Oti on an excellently-choreographed routine, and says she was very impressed with the barrel roll turns (I think you have to press the Z button to do those), but she'd like him to work on his hip line, which needs to be slightly more underneath, which will stop his butt sticking out quite so much. NO SHIRLEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Bruno says that Indiana Jonnie can take him anywhere, and he thinks that while Jonnie has a nice butt, he does need to remember to tuck it under. Jonnie says he thought he might get an extra point from Bruno for the butt. Heh. Craig says it was a little bit square and the body-shaping was off, but otherwise brilliant. Darcey agrees "with my judges" that Jonnie needs to lift his ribcage, but she's impressed with Jonnie's commitment.

Claudia says that Jonnie wasn't a big fan of the paso, and he admits that it's been his nightmare dance. Oti says that he's been saying "I can't do this! I don't wanna do this!" all week. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 6, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 26. Jonnie says he just wanted to beat his waltz score, so he's very happy with that.

Next we have Susan and Kevin with the first samba of the series. Kevin says that their aim last week was to get a 6, so to get two 6s and a 7 was even better than they hoped. Susan informs us that she will be playing Wonder Woman in this routine, which is our segue into our comedy VT about Susan actually becoming Wonder Woman with super-speed, super-strength, and super-jumping. Both Susan and Kevin play the whole thing with a rather delightful B-movie level of acting, which I appreciate.

It begins with Kevin trapped under a giant one-tonne weight - you know, the sort of thing that just happens to anybody on an average day. So Susan does her spin to turn into Wonder Woman (even though she's already wearing the outfit) and then pulls him out from underneath it. A lot was made in advance of this routine of the fact that Susan would be leading, because she is Wonder Woman. I'm not sure how evident that is in practice, but Kevin has choreographed the routine so he is the one who gets twirled around by his partner and does the floor spins, and I am absolutely here for Kevin Clifton: Feminist Choreographer. There's not a lot of bounce in Susan's movement, but this is definitely her strongest performance yet: despite the camp, comic-book nature of the set-up, it's clear she's been taking the samba seriously and doing her best to learn it properly, and Kevin has actually choreographed a proper routine for her with minimal faffing. I enjoyed it very much, and hurrah for smashing the patriarchy on primetime BBC1, quite frankly. [Another success for comedy routines tonight - what is going on? - Rad]

Susan runs up to give Craig a kiss afterwards, and Tess asks her what she would've thought if someone had told her this time last year that she'd be doing a samba dressed as Wonder Woman. Susan: "Yes please." Heh. Bruno says she had him spinning and he loved how much Susan was in charge. Craig giggles that he's never seen anything quite like that - he felt the routine was a lot of fun for everyone at home, but she does need to have bounce in the samba and that largely was missing - so that's something to work on, if she ever gets to the final. Darcey says that Susan needs to straighten her back leg and get her weight forward, but she loved the "100 per cent performance". Shirley says that there are nine different timings that can be used in the samba and Susan covered at least four or five of them, and she did see the bounce in Susan's voltas even though she was travelling too far.

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia breathlessly exhorts Susan to watch her performance back to see the judges' reactions, and we get a shot of Susan's Lovely Wife Lee in the audience wearing a Wonder Woman crown. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 6 for a total of 20. Two less than last week, even though I'd probably say that was Susan's best performance of the series. Eh, what do I know.

Next we have Joe and Katya, who admit their tango last week didn't go that brilliantly. Joe says that he needs to learn not to force things, and trust what he and Katya are doing. This week they're doing a Doctor Zhivago-themed Viennese waltz, and to get Joe into the spirit of playing a Russian character, Katya takes him to...Hemel Hempstead? To use the indoor ski slope. Sure, why not. A rosy-cheeked Joe says that he thinks it helped, and that there's snow way he'll get a frosty reception on Saturday and get left out in the cold. I need a lie down.

They're dancing to 'Somewhere My Love', and I'm quite impressed with Joe's swiftly-grown Russian pornstache first and foremost. It's a definite return to form after the wobbles of last week - he needs to work on his posture a bit and some of the footwork is a bit scattered, but it's much more assured-looking and confident, and the chemistry between Joe and Katya here is really great.

When it's over, Katya flings herself at Joe so hard that she almost takes him down entirely, and Tess compliments Joe on his facial hair which he masc4mascs is definitely all his own with no need for enhancement. Craig gives it the thumbs-up. Darcey says it was beautifully traditional with lots of travel and rotation. Shirley says that it's twice the speed of the waltz, and a much flatter dance, and he brought that today. Bruno says he was swept away by the romance of the whole thing.

They make their triumphant run up to the Clauditorium, where Joe enthuses that Craig actually enjoyed it, and thanks Katya for her hard work this week. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 32. Claudia tells them that they're top of the leaderboard and Katya's all "at the what of the leaderboard?"

Aston and Janette are next as we round the final corners of the show. They reflect on last week's salsa, and Aston says he's happy with how it went, but a little disappointed with that last lift. This week they're doing the cha cha cha to 'Can't Stop The Feeling!' by Justin Timberlake, from the movie Trolls. I have no hesitation in saying that the thought of a routine to 'Can't Stop The Feeling!' pains me more than the thought of one to 'Despacito' ever did. Janette takes Aston to Tower Bridge because trolls live under bridges and... *fast-forwards*

I'm sorry. I'm almost comedy VT-ed out, and this one is exceptionally stupid. Just let me have this. [The saving grace was how much Aston is over comedy VTs already - Rad]

So they do the cha cha cha and it is really very good indeed, almost certainly the best one we've seen this series - very slick, very clean, and nice and playful. I am also a very big fan of Janette being a troll in a very literal sense by choreographing in a pot-stirrer for herself and doing it flawlessly. I don't think the pot is the only thing getting stirred here, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you do. [I loved this - and the cha cha is usually my least favourite Latin.  The hair, make-up and costumes though.  She looked like Shoshanna from Girls when she lived in Japan and he looked like the kind of mess wardrobe and make-up usually save for Pasha.  Kudos to the two of them for just rolling with it - Rad]

Darcey says that they were made for each other and all of their moves were so clean - she was impressed with the straight leg action and the way he directed the amazing turn. She says that she didn't want that dance to stop. Shirley says that she could see Aston was making an effort with his feet this week to stop the sickling, which was great. She then turns her attention to Janette and says that she could have overloaded this routine for him but she didn't ("...Brendan") and the pot-stirrer is a very difficult step ("...Brendan") and she really appreciated the effort put in by Aston to ensuring that Janette was able to do it. Bruno says they are "deliciously cartoonish" and every move they did seemed to pop - "it was like watching HD 3D, nothing fuzzy". I bet it's been a long time since Bruno's vision has been like that. Bruno liked how they included the hip hop touches without losing the cha cha cha feeling. Craig concludes simply: "you're very good, aren't you darling?"

Aston says that Janette makes the whole week fun, drilling the routine into him, and then makes sure he has fun on the night. Claudia says she loves that Aston's mum comes to the show every week but can't actually watch him, and just covers her eyes. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 9 for a total of 35.

Our penultimate couple of the night are Alexandra and Gorka. They're dancing the American smooth to a song from My Fair Lady. Last week's paso was electric, according to Alexandra, and Gorka says he will always remember it. Alexandra says that it's out of this work to have received the best score of the competition so far. This week she has to play a sweet girl who is trying to be sophisticated and elegant, which is something that she's struggling with - although she doesn't specify which of those things she's finding difficult, so have at it, people on the internet who don't like Alexandra! To get in the mood, Alexandra takes Gorka for an etiquette and elocution lesson (while the theme from Keeping Up Appearances plays in the background, and now all I want is for Alexandra to emerge in a floral dress with a string of sturdy pearls and play the whole thing as Hyacinth Bucket), and Gorka's attempt at an RP English accent is really quite something. As is the way Alexandra accidentally biffs Gorka in the head with her elbow when they run out to do some dance practice on the croquet field.

They're dancing to 'Wouldn't It Be Loverly', and it is indeed loverly - simple, elegant, grounded, and classy. Although I'm not entirely sure about the bit at the end where Gorka hands her some celery to go with the flower she's holding.

Shirley tells her that the technique was very good - she was rolling through her feet and she had some lovely pivot turns. But she would like to explain the difference between the American smooth foxtrot and the international one - basically the international one is all in hold, but the American smooth one is 50 per cent in hold and 50 per cent open, and the open work would normally cover much more space. Shirley advises Alexandra to think about that if she gets another American-style dance like that...of which there are none. Thanks Shirley! Bruno thinks that Alexandra's artistic sensibility is flawless, and he couldn't see a moment that wasn't played absolutely right. Craig says that he won't give them a standing ovation tonight - her free arm does need more work, and she must remember to tell a story with that arm, but the stuff in hold was gorgeous and the routine was beautifully constructed! Darcey admires Alexandra's versatility week in, week out and the cleanliness of her movements - she thinks she's one to watch.

They blossom and bloom their way up to the Clauditorium, where Alexandra tells Claudia that she had to put last week aside because she was worried about not living up to the standard set by her paso, but this one gave her a chance to show a different side of her personality because it's a really cute dance. Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 9 for a total of 33. Gorka and Alexandra are both very happy with that score, which puts them in second place.

That just leaves Davood and Nadiya to close the show. Last week's performance went well, but Davood wants to make sure that he harnesses his energy properly and doesn't slip below that 27 marker that he's scored for the last two weeks. Nadiya tells Davood that they'll be doing a samba themed around Saturday Night Fever, which Davood instantly proclaims to be "iconic" and says he's going to try to focus his energy into his hips. Davood's comedy VT theme is that he's gradually becoming discofied - wearing flares, a psychedelic shirt, star-shaped glasses and a chest wig. Davood takes them to a proper lit-up disco floor and says that he hopes he'll be staying alive to dance another week after this performance. I'm just glad that I haven't been killed by all of these dreadful puns.

They're dancing to a fairly strange arrangement of 'Stayin' Alive', and I'm starting to sense a recurring problem in all of Davood's routines - they're all too fast. This is something that Nadiya really needs to be reining in, because I think he's got the ability, but whether it's her choreography or her natural enthusiasm, every time he comes out on the dancefloor he hits it at such a rate of knots that any nuance or finesse just goes out the window. There are some decent attempts at hip rotation to the extent that I can see why this one got the pimp slot [I was flummoxed by this pimp slot placing. I get that they wouldn't want Aston or Alexandra in there again yet, but Gemma's seemed much more suited to the slot - Rad] but it just all feels so rushed. I just want the two of them to slow down.

Bruno calls Davood "a beast of fun" and says that all the pelvic thrusts looked like he had ferrets down his pants - but he needs to be smoother. Craig says that all the hip wiggles and gyrations are wonderful crowd-pleasers but have very little to do with samba bounce or samba hips. Also, he needs to sort out his spatulistic hands. Darcey says that Davood definitely doesn't hold back and she doesn't know how Nadiya holds it together because he was really chucking her around - she loves it when someone really goes for it, but Davood just needs to hold back very slightly. Shirley finishes by saying it was much better than last week with plenty of samba content, but he needs to get his posture right because it was a little bit collapsed in the middle, like a filleted fish. She thinks if he gets that right in future, it will help him in all dances.

Upon arrival in the Clauditorium, Davood announces that it's hard going last because you're constantly going over your routine in your head while everyone else is on, and psyching yourself out. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Davood's a little bit disappointed but styles it out as best he can.

Final leaderboard, then:

1. Aston & Janette - 35
2. Alexandra & Gorka - 33
3. Joe & Katya - 32
4. Gemma & Aljaž - 11
5. Mollie & AJ - 30
6. Debbie & Giovanni - 29
7. Jonnie & Oti - 26
8. Davood & Nadiya - 25
9. Brian & Amy - 22
10. Susan & Kevin - 20
11. Simon & Karen - 19
12. Charlotte & Brendan - 17
13. Ruth & Anton - 15
14. Rev. Richard & Dianne - 14

The main interesting thing about this one is that we have 14 couples and no ties. It is literally unprecedented to have this many couples dancing on one night and have no ties at all. This basically means it's much harder for the couples at the bottom of the leaderboard to leapfrog over the middle-tier ones, so the likes of Richard, Ruth, Charlotte, Simon and even Susan should watch their backs. (Brian too, but he's just high enough to be out of the hazard zone, I think, plus a decent comeback performance should ensure a bottom-two bounce for him.)

Claudia declares the vote open, and Karen starts screaming at Aston for trying to eat her giant bucket of popcorn (not a euphemism), which makes him crack up. Recap: man in a bad costume doing a bad quickstep, Ruth's icy rumba, Mollie's airborne American smooth, Richard and his bad wig doing a terrible but hilarious paso, Debbie's quickstep that breaks a rule none of us knew about, Brian's delightful comeback American smooth, Gemma's bestial charleston, Charlotte's tango that sparked World War 3, Jonnie and his eyeliner raiding the Temple of Doom, Susan and her feminist triumph of a samba, Joe's Moustache getting him back in the game, the best cha cha cha of the competition if anyone still cares about cha cha chas after three weeks, Alexandra's loverly understated American smooth and Davood's frantic but fun samba.

That's it! Join me for the results show when the box office numbers come in and we'll see who hasn't delivered the bums on seats...