Blitz Carlton

Week 5: Top 12 Perform - 19 October 2019

Movie Week? Pffft. Blackpool Week? Get outta town. Musicals Week? I don't think so. Readers, there's only one theme week that matters: Carlton Week! Yep, after getting a warm reception as Bruno's holiday cover last year, it appears Alfonso Ribeiro has landed a semi-regular gig on this show because he's back to do it all over again! We open with a VT in which Craig, Shirley and Motsi sing his praises (although Motsi has to settle for "ooh, weren't he good on Dancing With The Stars?") because she's not actually worked with him yet), which I guess makes a change from watching the remaining celebrities read something quasi-profound from a set of cue cards and having it all edited together so they get to say one word each.
Titles! Alas poor Dev, we hardly knew ye. (But hey, at least you made it to the final on Celebrity MasterChef, they can never take that away from you.)

There's no opening pro number this week (and from a recapper's point of view: thank goodness), so we're straight in to the arrival of Tess and Claudia, escorted by Gorka and Graziano as standard. As much as I love Gorka (Graziano I have no strong feelings about in either direction), I am starting to feel like maybe this show just has too many pros and doesn't need to keep spares hanging around? [I can see having one to be a spare and to make it up to sixteen for pro routines rather than fifteen, but three is a bit overkill - Rad] Even the whole "they're here in case one of the other pros is unavailable" argument doesn't really hold that much water because last time it happened was when Brendan died and they just called Gorka back from the "recently eliminated" pile rather than getting Neil off the bench. Anyway: Tess is in a black playsuit that looks really good, and Claudia's in a white dress with black dots which is less good but at least it's nice to see her in a bright colour. In the audience: "Cheryl", presumably here to support her mate Oti.

The judges arrive, and I am very much here for Motsi's look this week, which seems to be Cleopatra via Tron. Alfonso gets a very special separate welcome, and then it's time for the rest of the cast to make their appearance: David and Nadiya, Emma and Anton, Chris and Karen, Emma and Aljaž, Saffron and AJ, Mike and Katya, Michelle and Giovanni, Will and Janette, Catherine and Johannes, Alex and Neil, Karim and Amy, and Kelvin and Oti. It's interesting how our two frontrunners are now (post Anneka's elimination) the last two to be announced - I can't see that changing, which is a shame because one of my favourite Strictly fandom gags is that time during series 13 when a Jay McGuiness stan claimed that they'd had to move him to the end of the list because the screams for him were so loud that they were drowning out the announcement for the person who came after him, only to have the rest of us point out that he'd been the penultimate name in the announcement order since the start of the series, and the only reason he was last now was because Kirsty Gallacher had been eliminated. Anyway, Alfonso greets the cast in his very best borrowed-from-RuPaul-and-Michelle-Visage English accent, which is delightful.

Kelvin & Oti

First of all, I'd just like to congratulate Kelvin on managing to turn up for the show tonight after receiving what I can only assume was deeply distressing personal news earlier in the day. What a trouper. Tess reminds us that last week Kelvin got four nines but was still only second on the leaderboard, which shows what a high standard it is this year. A reminder from me: last week Mike Bushell got a nine. This week Kelvin and Oti will be dancing a cha cha cha, which Oti explains to Kelvin is essentially a rumba, but faster. (This is how my dance teacher explained it too, back in the day.) [I mean, that might be true... but I am not sure I'm here for the producers picking up on this and selling it a 'it's the dance of sexy love but faster'.  Unless they do a 'Faster Love' routine with a full recreation of the disco toilets from the video - Rad] They'll be dancing to 'Get Stupid' by Aston Merrygold, and Oti tells Kelvin that she's arranged an amazing surprise for him. Kelvin demonstrates that he has seen this show before by asking if it's Aston Merrygold. And it is! Aston's here to give Kelvin all the benefit of his experience as an early frontrunner and presumed winner who...finished tenth. Kelvin tells Aston that it's a brilliant song (but doesn't add that he always thought it was Bruno Mars, even though I'm sure that's true because literally everyone else in the country thinks that). Aston remembers his own cha cha cha, when he was dressed as a Troll, in a moment of supreme personal dignity. Kelvin asks him if he has any advice, and Aston tells him to pretend he's Aljaž, so Kelvin looks into the camera and tries to read the joke underneath his name chyron. Sorry, my mistake, Kelvin says that Aljaž has an amazing smile and is so sexy, and if he could be anyone, it would be Aljaž. All right lads, get a room.

There's a massive wall on the dance floor with "VENICE BEACH" graffitied onto it, so I'm at a complete loss as to where this routine is meant to be taking place. This is probably the first dance that Kelvin's looked ever so slightly lost in, I think: it's still a good performance, but his arms are a bit floaty and flyway (particularly his free arm) and his hips are, surprisingly, a little stiff. Basically the bits where they're together are pretty good, the bits where they aren't are...less so. But it gets a standing ovation from the crowd, if not the judges.

Shirley tells Kelvin he brought lots of sunshine to the ballroom and had great body action, but she'd like to see stronger leg action to give him more fluidity through his body, and flow from one movement to the next. Alfonso says "it's great to be back, but it's better to see that". He's been briefed that Kelvin races cars, and attempts to speak to him as a fellow racer: that there's a thing called driving from the seat of your pants and...you can see where this is going, can't you? I'm just surprised it wasn't Shirley who was the first one to bring up the seat of Kelvin's pants. Alfonso thought it was fun, and he knows how hard it is to come out and open the show. Craig found it a little bit stiff on the walks, and the audience boos. Craig points out that he said exactly what Shirley did, but he's getting booed for it. Hee. But the rhythm and isolation were great, and he loved the arms, so that shows how much I know. Motsi, Queen Of The Nile says she couldn't keep her eyes of his feet, and there were so many different rhythms of cha cha cha in that routine - he had his feet in place the whole time, and he gave fantastic flirty energy, which is what she needs from a cha cha. You know he was thinking about Aljaž the whole time though, right Motsi?

Up in the Clauditorium, Kelvin says it's absolutely awful to go first and he barely even knew his steps when he came in the studio. Kelvin's brother Dean is in the audience, and he looks a lot like Kelvin except a bit older and less buff. (Sorry Dean.) Kelvin says that Dean is his best mate and he idolises him. Claudia: "That got a bit weird." Heh. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 8, Shirley 8, Alfonso 9 for a total of 33. Kelvin is very happy with that score. Time for the terms and conditions, coming to us this week from Joe Lycett, who claims that he can't read the small print so he runs right up to the camera and shouts them at us. 

David & Nadiya

Yep, after last week's unexpected success story, this week they've been plonked in the death slot with a jive. I think we can all see where this is going. We return to the judges repeatedly saying they were "gobsmacked" by last week's quickstep (not nearly as gobsmacked as the rest of us were by it scoring 28 points, I can assure you), and David says that gobsmacked is the right word for how he felt. Nadiya says that David's reaction made her want to work him harder and harder. David says he hopes that he can give as much energy in the jive as he did in the quickstep last week, and that it's a fun dance - but that in itself is a problem, because the "fun" part keeps blocking the "learning" part in his brain. In the studio rehearsal, Mike and Katya look on approvingly. [They would, considering what they're about to throw at us - Rad] David says that he's had loads of fun, but now he needs to get serious and put in another good performance. Hang on a minute, weren't Kelvin and Oti just telling us to get stupid? And now we have to get serious? I'm getting mood whiplash.

They're dancing to 'Such A Night' by Michael Bublé, a song I confess to being unfamiliar with, so let me instead take a moment to ask what the hell wardrobe have done to Nadiya. She's in a blue dress which is not so much a dress as a corset with fringing, and black ankle boots, and honestly it does not a thing for her. The jive itself, while not quite the disaster I was anticipating, is still a bit of a clunking back down to Earth for David: he's giving it a bit of energy and he is quite light on his feet, but it feels more like a rehearsal than a performance, and there's a kicks section where he barely even manages half of it. Also, and I don't want to sound like a stuck record saying this for everyone, but he needs to sort out his free arm sharpish.

Tess says that they haven't had many 6'5" jivers before, and Alfonso says that it's got to be hard at 6'5" to do the jive. Is this the new "it's never too early for a ten from Shirley"? Alfonso adds that he made a couple of mistakes, but what he wants David to do is to scream right now. David does so, and Alfonso says he wants him to just let it go and let it all hang out on the dancefloor. I think that happened to Chelsee Healey once, didn't it? Craig says that no amount of screaming is going to fix that: it was full of timing issues, and because David's so tall he almost needs to dance in front of the beat with a dance like this. Well, that just seems needlessly confusing advice. Still, Craig tells him that he can see David's body is moving much more freely than it was on day one. Motsi says that she was pleased with the upper half of his body because he had fun - he made a lot of mistakes, but at least we couldn't see it in his face. So he just needs to get his lower half working in conjunction with his top half, and then we'll be good. Shirley enjoyed "the programme" and "the music" (ooof) and says that it was great that he picked up and carried on after making mistakes. She applauds his efforts to pull off a jive at such considerable height.

David, Nadiya and Nadiya's ugly ensemble make their way to the Clauditorium, where David says that he really enjoyed it and he didn't see the mistakes. Nadiya says that they've been training for 11-12 hours every day, and David adds that he trains at home as well. Claudia mentions that David's mum is in the audience and David swiftly interjects with "yes, but she doesn't like cameras" but nope, too late, the camera's already on her. The way David's voice just trails off when he realises he's powerless to stop it is, hands down, the funniest thing that's happened on this show in ages. Poor David's mum. Poor David. Claudia apologises, and the scores are in: Craig 3, Motsi 4, Shirley 4, Alfonso 5 for a total of 16. David is sort of okay with that score but when Claudia says it's disappointing, he agrees.

Catherine & Johannes

This week they have the tango, and Catherine says that her knowledge of the tango is "nothing", so Johannes explains to her that it's all about the eyes and the staccato movement, and the being birds. Wait, what? Catherine tells us that her character, Freedom, is a strong, independent woman who has been held back. Catherine goes on to explain that it's going to be very hard for Johannes this week because he's the nicest person in the land, and he has to play "this horrible man". Johannes talks Catherine through the part where his character tries to put her back in the cage, to which Catherine responds, "and then she's like, fuming". Honestly, I love her so much. Once The Viscountess goes home (and I imagine that's going to be in about two weeks maximum), I am transferring to full-time stan for this pair. Johannes asks Catherine what she's learned about the tango, and she says to keep her posture, to give him resistance, and to step on her heels. Catherine asks if Johannes has learned how to be nasty this week, and Johannes replies, "of course, babe". Honestly: nothing but love.

So yes, they're both birds, dancing to 'Little Bird' by Annie Lennox, and Johannes is trapped in a cage while Catherine gets lowered from the ceiling. To be honest, I think they might have slightly oversold the storylining aspect of this routine in their various It Takes Two interviews and Instagram stories this week, but the characterisation from both of them is great to watch. Tango-wise, I think Catherine needs to lean back a little more because there's not quite a full V-shape between them, and the footwork was a little skippy in places, but otherwise I think this was pretty good. Also the way Johannes bursts out laughing as soon as it's over is completely adorable.

Craig says that he didn't feel they were dancing as one unit - he felt like they were having an argument and fighting with one another, and the footwork was sloppy - she started with open toes instead of her feet together. There was also V-shape missing and a lot of gapping, but he loved her head placement and the staccato and change of directions, and the drive and purpose. Motsi tells Catherine that every time she sees her she provides variety, so it's great to see how she's growing - but she does need to work on her resistance to provide more speed and sharpness. Shirley says that Catherine is passionate and her frame is improving - but she too had issues with the footwork, because Catherine started with her feet apart and wasn't closing her feet offset from one another as you're supposed to do in tango. I don't think I've ever heard that before? Over a decade of watching this show and I'm still learning stuff. Anyway, Shirley sees improvement and she thinks Catherine is in it for the long haul. Alfonso loved Catherine's top line and her passion, and says that while there were footwork issues, "I'm not technical, I just like seeing what I see". And to think: still more coherent than whatever Bruno probably would have said.

Claudia asks how hard it was for the two of them to be so sombre when they have such a giggle all the time, and Catherine says that it was indeed very hard. It was also her first time in ballroom hold since week one, and it was weird having to go back to it - she's learning new stuff every week, but she's loving it. Scores: Craig 6, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Alfonso 8 for a total of 28.

Karim & Amy

Karim's got a fan/colleague in the audience tonight: the true star of CBBC, Hacker T Dog. I can only assume it was Hacker's busy, busy schedule that meant he had to turn down the invitation to participate in the show this year so they went with Karim as a back-up. Hacker introduced Karim and Amy's training VT, and does a much better job of it than Tess would have. Last week's tango got 38 and introduced Karim to "the ten club", which appears to have lit some sort of slightly terrifying fire inside Amy to make sure they stay there. (Amy, hon, I don't think they kick you out if you go a week without getting one, just fyi.) They've got salsa this week, and Amy wants to bring the party to everyone at home. Karim is finding all the lifts a bit of a shock to the system. They're dancing to 'Who Let The Dogs Out?' and they're dedicating to Hacker who comes to visit them in rehearsals. [I mean, as 'bringing out the friends'n'family for dance dedications' go, I'd rather they were of this variety than what happened last week - Rad] Hacker then runs riot by unplugging the stereo in the training room and dropping banana peels on the floor, but Amy still teaches him a few steps anyway because she's nice like that.

The routine opens with Karim vaulting right over Amy's shoulders, which is quite the statement of intent. It's a fun, high-energy routine, although the costumes are very lacklustre (Karim is in a silver spangled bowling shirt and a pair of black trousers, and Amy's basically wearing Nadiya's jive dress but in silver), it's a little bit rough around the edges (or should that be "ruff around the edges?"), and I feel like the overall trick of chucking Karim's various acrobatic skills into the choreography is suffering from diminishing returns - although, to be fair, the salsa is the best place to get away with that sort of thing. So I wouldn't say this was Karim at his best, but it's still fun to watch and I do like this pair as a couple. Also it's nice to see Amy fully recovered after last week's lurgy.

The audience are on their feet, as are three-quarters of the judges, though Craig appears to be preoccupied with whether Motsi has remembered to punch in her score or not. Motsi suggests changing the song to "who let Karim out?" She loved the body isolation, the quick changes, the acrobatics, the lifts, and the leading, and she thinks Karim takes the competition to a whole 'nother level (TM Chloe Hewitt). Shirley says she doesn't think there's any part of his body that Karim can't move, and THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT THANK YOU. He's got good isolations, good arms, good co-ordination, and he's a delight to watch. Alfonso tells Karim that he can dance (wrong show, Alfonso), and says that Karim brought the dogs in, fed them, and let them back out. Craig tells Karim that he needs to smooth out his side-to-side basic because he's stepping too far out, and he's dancing a bit too hard sometimes - he wants to see more liquidity in there, and more light-and-shade - but he loved it nonetheless.

Claudia tells them that everyone was dancing along and screaming in the Clauditorium, and Karim says that there was pressure after topping the leaderboard last week, but he really enjoyed himself. We're reminded that Amy has been at death's door but she's through the other side now, hooray. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 10, Shirley 9, Alfonso 9 for a total of 36. Well, whatever the rules of The Ten Club are, at least Karim's definitely still in it this week.

Michelle & Giovanni

Michelle is excited to have something a bit slower to dance this week, but it also acutely aware that it doesn't leave her with anywhere to conceal her mistakes. In rehearsals, Michelle gets a call from her daughters Lola and Lillie, who apparently watch every week. Michelle says that her heart is exploding to hear from them, and to have their support even from afar means everything to her. Later, Giovanni comes into with a big bunch of lilies from Michelle's kids, and Michelle talks about how it's hard being away from home and your kids, and she's going to kick it up a notch this weekend in honour of her kids. I love how we're constantly told that rumba is the sexiest dance, the dance of pure filth, and here comes Michelle Visage all "this one's for my 17- and 19-year-old daughters!" [Redacts P____e A______w joke - Rad]

They're dancing to 'Too Good At Goodbyes' by Sam Smith and it opens with Michelle sniffing a pair of tights or something. Sexy! It's all very slow and soft lighting and then Giovanni appears with the tights around his neck, so I'm assuming this is all about Michelle dancing with the ghost of her lover who sadly passed away in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. It's maybe a little bit too careful and placed and the chemistry suffer a little as a result, but the footwork looks good, and it's nice to see that Michelle can still dance well even without channeling the power of SASS.

Afterwards, Michelle concedes that it might have freaked out her kids to dedicate this particular dance to them. Heh. Shirley loved the choreography, and thought it was elegant and clean, but it lacked sensuality. Alfonso loved the connection between them and the push-and-pull, and says that sometimes you just have to make a man chase you. Craig: "I'm not chasing, darling, just so you know." He says that it didn't "ooze" for him, and it lacked continuous movement from the four to the one - but the storytelling was good and he thinks she'd have nailed it if she'd had more time. Motsi wraps up for the judges by saying that Michelle has a special aura, and she felt every movement of that rumba - the Cuban part of the rumba was missing, but she enjoyed the more lyrical side of it.

Claudia remarks to Michelle that she loved how Lillie and Lola said that their dad would definitely cry watching this, and Michelle says that's because he's a crier, at commercials, at everything. Giovanni says that rumba is very hard, has a lot of technique, and he thinks Michelle did a great job with it. Scores: Craig 7, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Alfonso 8 for a total of 29 - they're happy with that, but it is Michelle's lowest score so far. [This damn series and its making them all expect 9s for just turning up now.  A 29 should normally be a perfectly good score.  Not a diss on Michelle, just that you would be disappointed at 29 for that given the absolute shite that scored 8s and 9s last week - Rad]

Emma & Anton

A paso for Emma and Anton this week to follow up last week's high-scoring Viennese waltz, but they're playing catch-up from the off because Emma's very busy on EastEnders at the moment so they've lost two full days of rehearsal. Yikes. [So much for Shirley saying on ITT that she thought everyone was doing well at having their day jobs not interfering with their progress - Rad] In training, Emma worries that she doesn't feel in control, but she is loving being able to do all the skirt work because that helps her with her posture and shaping. She explains that Anton's told her it's all about doing circular movements with your arms and hands, and she's getting quite panicky, which is bad because that makes her tense up. She's trying to control it, and in the meantime, trying to squeeze another much-needed rehearsal in.

They're dancing to 'Nothing Breaks Like A Heart' by Mark Ronson featuring Miley Cyrus, another song I wasn't really aware of (I basically just listen to the same six songs on repeat on Spotify, sorry) [Get with the kids Steve, the only one I didn't know was Mickey Bubbles - Rad] and there's lovely moody black and red staging for this, but Emma's paso face suggests that she's mostly just picturing the person in scheduling at EastEnders who didn't give her enough time to rehearse this routine properly. Actually I think she's doing a reasonable job for someone who only got half the amount of rehearsal time this week, but you can definitely see the joins, particularly in the dips which are, I'm afraid to say, quite sloppy. Still, she gets through it, so well done.

Tess tells us that Alfonso got a perfect 40 for his paso, because he was on one of those random seasons when Dancing With The Stars had four judges, and Alfonso says that Emma gave it everything she had and her lines were great. But what he wanted more of was the physical passion - it was in her face, but it didn't go all the way through her body. He thinks she's going to be here for a while, anyway. Craig agrees that it lacked fire and passion, saying that it didn't draw him in and her free arm was all over the place, and she ended up looking like a bag of potatoes rolling across the floor. Motsi says "not a bag of potatoes, you look beautiful!" (I don't think that's quite the point he was making, Motsi) and says that Emma kept up the energy and character throughout the dance, so well done. She's about to add a "you could have..." but the audience have decided she's finished and start clapping, so she's cut off. Oops. Shirley felt it lacked passion and fire, and quickly clarifies that it doesn't mean Emma isn't a fantastic dancer (no,  but it is kind of a criticism of her acting skills, and that's her day job?) - there was something lacking between the two of them, and it felt a bit placed and under-rehearsed.

Emma chats to Claudia about the fact that she's been filming Christmas EastEnders all week and she's had five Christmas dinners (oh, are they doing that storyline from The Vicar of Dibley?), but she loved the paso and felt like they nailed it: "It's funny what you think, and what others see." Indeed. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 7, Shirley 7, Alfonso 7 for a total of 26. Emma's happy with that, because apparently 26 is her lucky number. Not on this leaderboard, I shouldn't think.

Halfway Leaderboard

Giving this its own section because, well, why not?

1. Karim & Amy - 36

2. Kelvin & Oti - 33

3. Michelle & Giovanni - 29

4. Catherine & Johannes - 28

5. Emma & Anton - 26

6. David & Nadiya - 16

Alex & Neil

After failing to have a breakthrough in the first four weeks, they've been lobbed a charleston and I feel like if this doesn't do it for them, then nothing will. Alex is feeling mixed emotions about last week - she loved her tango, and she's trying to listen to the judges every week and take on their feedback. She says that when she was doing the football, she had coaches who would tell her that she'd never go on to play for England, and her response was always to fight back harder. This week they've got a charleston to 'Pump Up The Jam', and as a 90s kid she's quite excited [It's from 1989 though. - late 20th century pop culture history purist Rad.  Do NOT get me started on Walls pretending the (Tangle) Twister lolly was around when pennies were written in Ds.  SMH.]. It was also her birthday this week, and Karim and Amy came in to wish her many happy returns. Alex is very happy to spend her birthday around fun people learning a new dance - especially as had things gone differently with the public vote last week, she could've spent it talking to Rylan on It Takes Two about how it felt to be eliminated.

So Alex and Neil are wearing matching tuxedos for this dance, and I am living for the chaotic bisexual energy that the styling for this routine is giving me. Speaking of chaotic, that's the vibe I'm getting from the actual dancing of this charleston, which is quite rough around the edges, but for the first time I think Alex is really clicking as a performer which is helping to cover over a lot of the cracks. It's a fun routine, and they look like they're having fun doing it, and that makes a lot of difference, apparently. There's a section where Alex lifts Neil and then does bum-bongos on him, which definitely enhances the bisexual energy of the piece, although the sloppy roly polys at the end are a bit heterosexual, sorry. So, yep, a breakthrough - not necessarily one for the ages, but one to probably buy her another couple of weeks at least.

Alex gets a standing ovation for that, and Tess asks Craig - who gave Alex a four last week - if he's seeing any improvement. Craig trolls her momentarily by doing the "just a smidge" mime before saying that actually he saw a lot of improvement. He had no idea Alex would be able to dance like that, and this routine totally suited her. Motsi says that they had to wait five weeks to see Alex let loose, but all the technique she's been working on is finally coming together - she can't go back to old Alex now, they want to keep this one. Shirley says it's by far Alex's best dance, and she took absolute control throughout - and there was lovely chemistry in there too. Alfonso finishes by saying that sometimes the right person gets the right song, and this took Alex out of her shell, and now she's a butterfly. I think Alfonso might not have paid a lot of attention in biology class?

Alex screams with delight up to the Clauditorium, and says that she did this for everyone who's been voting to keep her in this far. Claudia says that Motsi told her last week not to dance for the judges but to dance for herself (well, that's a charitable way of interpreting it, yes) and Alex is just giddy to have found her groove. Scores: Craig 8, Motsi 8, Shirley 8, Alfonso 9 for a total of 33. Alex squeals that she's shaking. Chris reaches across and gives her a "well done, mate" tap on the shoulder which is very sweet.

Emma & Aljaž

So last week's jive was good and Aljaž looked hot, but they found themselves in the dance-off nonetheless. The Viscountess and Aljaž sit on what looks a bit like a cricket pavilion as they discuss the horrors that could have been, and it's all very sad but I'm distracted by the fact that Aljaž is wearing a really nice coat. I debated tweeting him to ask where it was from, but I already tried that with Gethin and the nice bomber jacket he wore for It Takes Two on Friday and got nothing, so I've been burned already this week. The Viscountess says she would have been very sad to end her Strictly journey like that, and Aljaž says that he's very proud of her and thinks she's going to love doing the Viennese waltz this week. Aljaž has choreographed it in a way that means it's constantly turning in different directions, and The Viscountess is finding it hard to stay on the left side of him in training. The Viscountess says it's far more difficult than it looks, and she's just going to try to keep left, left, left.

They're dancing to 'Saving All My Love For You' by Whitney Houston, which I don't think entirely works for a Viennese waltz, but Aljaž has got those arse-framing white trousers on, so I'm willing to forgive pretty much most things at this point. The footwork, as much as I can see it beneath the near floor-length white dress that The Viscountess is in, looks pretty good, and she mostly remembers to keep left. The moments out of hold aren't quite as good because her top half goes a bit floppy, but when they're in hold and turning, it's very pretty to watch. The audience ovate it, and so do the three judges who've been doing the ovating all evening, and once again Craig has to prompt Motsi to tap her score into the pad. Heh. 

Motsi tells The Viscountess that she's so happy for her because that was beautiful in every aspect, right down to the way she gave her hand to Aljaž. Shirley says it was a miraculous recovery from last week, and she's worked hard on her frame because it was beautiful. "I've never seen such an improvement in one week!" she declares. Note: Shirley went from scoring Mike a five in week three to an eight last week, and she gave The Viscountess a seven last week, so if this doesn't see her joining The Ten Club I'm calling shenanigans. Alfonso says that Emma's gone from almost finishing her journey to "where you just got to on that dance floor", and that's what this show is about - going from the darkness to the light. Craig trolls again with "now for the truth, darling", but he just wants to tell Aljaž that he's worked wonders with her and that dance just proves why she is still here.

Up in the Clauditorium The Viscountess is almost in tears, and Claudia asks how it is to have done so well this week. The Viscountess sniffles that it was an amazing feeling, that they're so grateful to be here, and thanks Aljaž for teaching her everything, and the judges for their lovely comments. Scores: nines all round for a total of 36, putting her currently joint top of the leaderboard with Karim.

A VT In Which Everyone Who Hasn't Danced Yet Talks About How Excited They Are To Be Judged By Alfonso

Just that, really.

Mike & Katya

This week they're doing the samba to 'Apache' by The Sugarhill Gang. Katya tells Mike that Alfonso danced to this song in Fresh Prince and it became so iconic that he danced to it in the final of Dancing With The Stars, which he won. Honestly, I'm aware of "the Carlton Dance", but this particular nugget passed me by entirely. Katya says that she really wants Mike to channel Alfonso for this samba, and Mike talks breathlessly about how Alfonso's performance is something to aspire to. Goodness me. Katya talks about how she'd love to find the balance between difficult technical samba steps while also channeling Carlton The Dance God.

So let's see how that goes, shall we? Well, there's no bounce action to speak of, and at one point the cameras actually cut away from the dance so that we can see Alfonso's reaction and honestly can we not, please? Speaking of things that we can also not: the lyrics being changed to "Mike/Katya/Strictly/samba, jump on it!" No. Categorically not. Anyway, I think it's safe to say that Katya's aim of achieving technical excellence and also peak brown-nosing is destined to remain a dream, but one out of two's not so bad I guess? [Fuck everything about this routine.  Especially the fact that *spoiler* I had to watch it twice and they're still here - Rad]

Shirley thinks it was an "amazing crowdpleaser" and declines to comment on the salsa. Alfonso also decides not to talk about the samba, but decides to get down on the floor and do one round of hip isolations with them. Mike looks...under-rehearsed at this, to be honest. Craig says that he recoiled in horror from beginning to end. Motsi says that Mike has left her confused, because everything her teacher told her not to do, he was doing - but he gives so much entertainment and energy. "Mike, you make me need therapy, honestly."

Mike tells Claudia that it's hard to do hip isolations as you get older, but dancing "those iconic movies" with Alfonso was a highlight of his life. Scores: Craig 3, Motsi 6, Shirley 5, Alfonso "for the Alfonso bits" 7 for a total of 21. Well, I guess being a weapons-grade suck-up works, that's good to know.

Will & Janette

So, let me just disclose something upfront: I've found the way that the show has spent an entire week going on and on and on about how this dance is going to tell Will's story and it's going to be so moving and so inspirational pretty tacky, to be honest with you. It just feels patronising to him, and emotionally manipulative to us. So I can't pretend that preconception isn't going to colour my feelings about this dance, sorry. [Yeah, ditto.  Although was it as annoying as MY NAN.  ONLY THAT ONE NAN, NOT THE OTHER ONE OR MY GRANDADS, FUCK THOSE LOSERS, MY NAAAAAAN no probably not - Rad]

Anyway, Will tells us that he had a great childhood but it was very challenging because he was born with a condition called arthrogryopsis, which affects his hands and his feet, and meant that when he was four he had to have his ankles (I assume) broken and put into place, but there was nothing the surgeons could do for his hands. He had a lot of corrective surgery, and when he was seven he went to Great Ormond Street where he was diagnoses with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Will says that his grandma (who is sadly no longer around) was very supportive and bought him a mini table tennis table while he was recuperating, and it all went from there. Will's mum Chrissy says that Will wants to show kids who are growing up in the same circumstances that anything is possible, and then Will and Janette go off to Great Ormond Street to visit the Giraffe Ward, where Will was treated for cancer. Will talks about how amazing the kids are and how they inspire him, and one of the inspirational kids gives him a homemade glitterball trophy.

They're doing contempowaft to '7 Years' by Lukas Graham, and I think my biggest problem with the routine as choreographed is that Will spends a lot of time being a frame for Janette to be draped from rather than actually doing much dancing himself. It's basically three-quarters of a routine of Janette, and Will getting the other quarter. Which isn't to say that he doesn't acquit himself well with what he's given, but in terms of being inspirational and all the other things we were promised, I'm not sure "you too can stand providing counterbalance while Janette flashes her underwear at one side of the room" particularly inspires me. [Also I hate this song so much - Rad]

It goes down a storm in the room, of course, and they're both very emotional at the end of it, as is Alfonso, who says that little boys and girls will watch that and know that anything is possible. Craig praises the "clear, emotional storytelling" but he says that Will needs a bit more free movement in his torso to truly tell the story. Motsi can't speak because she's crying and Will goes up to give her a hug, so we go to Shirley, who reiterates that all the kids in hospital have just been given hope. 

Up in the Clauditorium, Claudia says that she loved watching Will's mum crying (would love if this was a shock reveal of Motsi being Will's mum but I've checked the dates and it seems unlikely) and Janette says that she loves dancing contemporary because she doesn't have any ballroom or latin training. Sorry, "to do it with people like Will who really feel and really inspire". That was quite the typo. Scores: Craig 7, Motsi 8, Shirley 8, Alfonso 9 for a total of 32 - Will's highest score by a clear six points.

Chris & Karen

This week they have the quickstep, and Chris reminds us that he's training at his old school during the week, so he gives Karen a little tour. Not many teachers are still there from when Chris was a pupil, but fortunately one of them is the headteacher, Sir Ken Gibson, who reminds us that Chris was in Bugsy Malone back in the day. Sir Ken invites Chris and Karen to perform for the whole school in assembly, which I'm sure is a delightful prospect for Chris and his phobia of people looking at him while he dances. They dance on the stage and get tens across the board from the pupils, but only a seven from Sir Ken, who clearly fancies himself as the Craig of the outfit.

They're dancing to 'Let's Go Crazy' by Prince (so we started off getting silly, then we had to get serious, and now we have to go crazy again? I can't keep up) and for the first time all series Chris has been gifted a proper pair of arse-hugging trousers that provide quite the view. And it's quite easy to get a good look because they're...not going very fast? It's really lacking in velocity, which is a problem for a quickstep. It's nice to see how far he's come on in terms of performance and rhythm, and he keeps up with it quite well, but it needs to be faster, and I'm not seeing any real signs of him leading. 

Craig opens by snarking that he copped quite an eyeful (because the routine started and ended on the judges' desk, and Chris was shaking his booty right in Craig's face) and he's slightly blushing, but they needed to use more of the floor and Chris's top line wasn't quiet enough, but he loves watching him perform all the same. Motsi tells Chris that he's improved on every level this week and he just needs to keep up that trajectory. Shirley says that she gave him a three in week one and wondered if he would have an early exit, but he's come back every week and he's continually improving - but she agrees with Craig, he's a bit flat-footed so he needs to go away and learn about heels and toes and inside edges of his feet. Alfonso finishes by saying he never thought he'd meet Chris arse-first, but he's loved watching his growth and the way he makes it all fun. 

Karen screeches them all the way up to the Clauditorium, where Claudia reveals that he's a massive Alfonso stan, and Chris confirms that he used to watch Fresh Prince every night when he got home from school, and now he's on live TV waving his bum in his face. Claudia reminds us yet again that Chris has never danced before, and Chris compliments Karen for her ability to stand firm in the face of him constantly farting and burping, #LADZ. Scores: Craig 5, Motsi 6, Shirley 7, Alfonso 7 for a total of 25.

Saffron & AJ

Tess introduces them as doing "a foxtrot to a big bang classic", so I assume they're dancing to that Barenaked Ladies song? Saffron tells us that AJ says this is one of the hardest dances (yes but aren't they all) and he always talks in dance terms. Imagine that! The very idea! Saffron says that a lot of the time she doesn't have any idea what he's talking about. You're getting one-to-one tuition Saffron, ask him. That's how it works! AJ says that they've got props in this routine, which he doesn't normally do because he's worried about his partner dropping them. Oh, so now you're worried about people dropping things, I don't recall you being that concerned with Lauren Steadman on last year's launch show. Saffron's excited because this means he trusts her, and she vows not to drop the cane. And then proceeds to worry about doing exactly that, a lot.

They're dancing to 'New York, New York', and everything about this routine seems to have been designed specifically to get the pimp slot from the outfits to the song choice to the choreography itself. I think Saffron keeps up with it all well, but she definitely looks more comfortable during the sections when she's not in hold, which is a bit of a problem in ballroom. I am pleased to confirm that she catches the cane at the end, even if it's not the neatest catch I've ever seen, but the look of triumph on her face when she does is actually quite moving. It's a nice note to end the show on, anyway. 

Motsi tells Saffron that she did "really, really, really well" - she gave the big, iconic song the personality that it needed. Shirley applauds her for dancing at the end of the beat like the experienced dancers do, and she loved her heel turns. You can tell I've been watching too much WWE over my husband's shoulder because I briefly thought she was saying Saffron was a villain now. Alfonso declares it all "awesome" and tells her that her rise and fall was spectacular and he loved it. Craig thought it was technically brilliant and she brought it to life, particularly the throwaway oversway at the end.

They doot-doot-doo-doo-doot up to the Clauditorium, and Saffron says that she thinks ballroom is going to be more to her taste than latin, and AJ says he's so proud of her because she caned it. Scores: Craig 9, Motsi 10, Shirley 9, Alfonso 10 for a total of 38. For a moment there I thought these might have been AJ's first 10s but then I remembered that Claudia Fragapane did scoop up a couple towards the end of her run. Anyway, they're top of the leaderboard and very excited about it.

Final leaderboard

1. Saffron & AJ - 38

2=. Karim & Amy - 36

2=. Emma & Aljaž - 36

4=. Kelvin & Oti - 33

4=. Alex & Neil - 33

6. Will & Janette - 32

7. Michelle & Giovanni - 29

8. Catherine & Johannes - 28

9. Emma & Anton - 26

10. Chris & Karen - 25

11. Mike & Katya - 21

12. David & Nadiya - 16

So basically a good week for any pro whose name begins with an A except Anton; and I think the first real test we've had of how much public support Michelle, Catherine and Emma B have. Michelle I think is probably fine at this point, the other two I'm not necessarily sure about.

The theme tune to The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air starts playing and Claudia assures us she's not going to rap ("I'm 47"), but the lines are nonetheless open. 

In tomorrow night's show, we'll find out who will be (beating David) in the dance-off, and there will be a performance from Mabel, who I don't think I've heard of [She is Neneh Cherry's daughter - Rad], and a high-fashion routine from the pros.