Night of the dancing dead

Week 6: Top 11 (/10) Perform (Hallowe'en Week) - 26 October 2019

Last  week!  The judges continued to push the boundaries of what the ‘9’ paddle can do and edge ever closer to demanding an 11 paddle! Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was in again and “inspired” one of the worst comedy routines in living memory! And after eighty dance-off appearances (approx.), David and Nadiya left the competition.

Tonight!  Ghouls and banshees and things that go bump in the night. That’s right, kids, Bruno’s back. We open with a pre-credits skit themed around The Twilight Zone which is chiefly notable for the fact that, randomly, Dave Arch has joined in the merriment. Next year our Strictly singers being tormented by The Man in the Hat and the other anonymous band members?

Cue credits!

We then re-open with a group dance themed around Night of the Museum (I mean they don’t explicitly say it is, but that’s very clearly what’s going on here). By gum, this routine is a LOT.  It opens with Katya, Neil, Aljaz, Janette and Glasses Gorka [<3 - Steve] as a group of nerds on a group outing to (I think?) the Natural History Museum. It closes, and security guard Anton vaguely chases them around before they find themselves in the studio surrounded by exhibits that come to life. 

We have (deep breath): Mike as Napoleon; Michelle as IDK some gypsy pirate or something?; AJ and Kevin as knights; the VISCOUNTESS as some glamorous explorer (/colonialist fresh from oppressing some indigenous people group); Kelvin and Catherine as Sexeh Neanderthals (Kelvin even beats the ground a few times with his club what a sex machine); Karen as Cleopatra, Johannes as her lead guard, and several other pros as her entourage; Dianne, Saffron, Nancy and Alex as mummies; Karim as the missing link between the Axons and the Weeping Angels; Chris as probably a King, maybe a lesser Henry, and Emma B as a gloriously filthy seductress/countess/dandy highwaywoman hybrid – it’s nice that wardrobe and hair have come up with something for her as massive as her personality.

The dance itself is to ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ and features a LOT of stereotypical Olde Egyptian dancing with a few bits of Charleston as a James/Denise throwback and a couple of Thriller style moves to at least attempt to distinguish Halloween from Movie Week. Sensibly, the celebrities are mostly consigned to the sidelines, save for a little homoerotic frisson between Anton and Kelvin and a random bit of Karim breakdancing for no other reason than he can?

Our hosts enter with no partners – terrifying Tess and creepy Claudia. Coincidentally, that’s also what the voiceover calls them. Dresswatch: Tess is in a dark black witchy dress that I would have thought from Claudia’s wardrobe were it not for a massive slit in the leg. Claudia’s in a dress made of mounds of tan and black tulle. They both look pretty good, which is nice. [Honestly, Tess looks STUNNING throughout this episode. This is the bar that I expect wardrobe to exceed every week from now on. - Steve]

The judges enter: Craig, Shirley, Bruno, Motsi for those who care about the order. Three of them look the part – Shirley’s in a flouncy curtain dress with vampire teeth and a blue wig, Motsi’s bedecked in black jewels – her earrings, her hair band and around her eyes with a bright yellow wig (she looks phenomenal), and Craig’s fouffed his hair up and is wearing eyeliner. I think all three have creepy contact lenses in, too. [This at least would explain some of the more questionably judging decisions this evening, if they couldn't see properly. - Steve] Bruno has come as himself – either that, or it’s Carlton back again in a very convincing Bruno suit.

Our stars enter: Emma and Anton, Chris and Karen, Emma and Aljaž, Saffron and AJ, Mike and Katya, Michelle and Giovanni, Catherine and Johannes, Alex and Kevin?? (poor Gorka/Graziano/Nancy who have not been called on to cover an absent Neil), Karim and Amy, Kelvin and Oti.

Claudia tells us that Will injured his knee in training today and he and Janette have been given a bye until next week - apparently Neil also got injured today although we don’t know what happened. What the hell are they doing in the dress rehearsals?  Given we already lost Jamie during the launch show and there’s that terrible lurgy everyone’s had, this show’s becoming as dangerous as The Jump. [That's where they hired the new celebrity booker from. COINCIDENCE??? - Steve]

Emma and Anton as the Queen of Hearts and King of Clubs

Their VT opens in some scary health-and-safety-risk seeming cellar where Anton tells Emma their dance is based around a haunted deck of cards that come to life. She’ll play the Queen of Hearts, and him the King of Clubs (I love how they chose this suit for Anton to be semi-ironic). In their training footage Emma keeps going wrong, and it ends with Anton saying ‘nothing to be scared of Emma, I’m here’ and Emma replying ‘that’s what frightens me’. I’m always willing to be pandered to with jokes about Anton so I tittered.

They’re dancing a tango to one of the various remixes of Toccata and Fugue – I think it’s either the Sky version or based on that one? It’s interesting to open the show with a music choice that uses no band or singers given it’s usually after routine one when we welcome them. I quite like their styling – Emma’s hair and make-up is reminiscent of Helena Bonham Carter’s from the Alice films, and she has a nice black and red dress that is a clever nod to the playing card theme. Anton’s allowed them to go a bit mad on his make-up now they no longer have Pasha to torment, and he has a playing card painted over one eye, whilst his top looks very much like those worn on traditional cards. And they both have crowns. I dig.

What I dig less is the dance itself. Emma seems quite hesitant and her legs are stuttery, although her dancing does improve a lot in the second half. Overall, the performance seems a bit dead, and neither of them look at each other much. She has a couple of impressive kicks where she gets her legs almost as high as that Debbie McGee creature, and she ends sitting triumphant on a throne, but those moments were the only real flourishes and it could have done with a little more razzle dazzle to match the music and theming. However, Anton doesn’t faff about bowing at the end and we know from ITT last week that that means he’s happy.

Tess introduces our silent singers: Tori, Jamie, Andrea and Tommy. They’ve all made some attempts at wearing scary make-up, but Tommy’s is a bit half-arsed. Dave Arch is in his traditional vampire garb but the rest of the band anons haven’t been allowed to dress up.

Shirley says they did very well, it was sharp with wonderful Viennese crosses; but they need to work on chemistry between them. Bruno says he loves the set up and the classical music, and calls it a dynastic marriage of convenience, where they put on a show, but ‘careful, I could stab you any time’. They look a bit worried about whether this is a threat or not. Then he goes on about Queen Isabella and tries to give a history lesson. Craig goes ALL IN on them: it lacked aggression, drive and attack; the staccato bits were not staccato enough, and she needs to up her game. I mean, we were all a little disappointed she hasn’t been the mega-ringer we expected, but she is working eighty hour days on EastEnders, so that was a bit harsh. Motsi says that the choreography was complicated, especially as they were in hold the whole time except the end, and Emma had great posture, but she wants more energy.

In the Clauditorium, we are reminded she’s a thooperfan and Anton says he doesn’t think he’s ever opened a show. Like, I can’t believe that’s true but I am not going back over seventeen years of shows to verify whether it is or not. [I didn't even need to - I knew there was no way he could have gone an entire series all the way to the final with Katie Derham without ever opening the show, and indeed he didn't. He even opened the show that year AT HALLOWE'EN. - Steve] Anton says she was wonderful and it was a bit like a proper tango, and he felt like he could have been in a competition – anyone want to tell him that that’s the actual premise of this show? Scores: 5, 7, 8, 8 for a total of 28.

Our terms and conditions are read by recently revealed superfan Anna Maxwell Martin (BBC Motherland now on iPlayer etc), but as she comes on, the cape she’s wearing almost strangles her.  I’m starting to think the Curse of Strictly is no longer about breaking up marriages, but something a bit more deadly. Unless this is all a long game for a Halloween slasher movie send-up and tomorrow’s results show unmasks the fiend that did them all in. [Or the guest performer is Madonna. - Steve] My bet’s on Gorka, we all know how Pissy he can get sometimes. Either that or Carlton. He's skinned Bruno alive, who will he come for next?

Will and Janette as DECEASED

They’re not here, though they would have been in the death slot and their training footage looked awful, so perhaps we and they have a lucky escape? But we have a VT and we’re gonna use it – oh yes folks, it’s injury porn time! Apparently in the studio rehearsals he jumped off a table and thought he’d broken his leg but hasn’t and should be back next week. You know… maybe this show should use less dangerous stunts if it wants to stop breaking its cast members? I mean, I’m not sure a jive actually needs table jumps.

In the Clauditorium, Janette’s in red and black, with what looks like a ladybird pattern on her top.  She says Will was looking forward to having a fun dance [lol I watched It Takes Two last week and this is a flat-out lie - Steve], and hopefully he’ll be back next week.

Emma and Aljaž as original-characters-that-are-definitely-not-the-property-of-Hasbro

Tess says their dance is themed around ‘a murder mystery board game’. I love the BBC’s random approach to product placement and licensing. In the background Alan Carr looks on very disapprovingly. Perhaps he was expecting to be called upon to promote RuPaul’s Drag Race now streaming on BBC Three (and can I say what a missed opportunity Snatch Game was for more classic British celebs being impersonated. If I wanted Julia Childs or Blanche from the Golden Girls, I’m sure the Americans could oblige and, you know, actually take them off rather than sitting there like frightened rabbits.) [Me too, but I assume most of the queens were cynically choosing people they knew Ru would know about rather than gamble on a British celebrity he wouldn't recognise. - Steve]

Two weeks ago! Emma and Aljaž shagged up an alley and the prudish GBP rewarded them with a trip to the dance-off. Last week! They saw the errors of their wanton ways, got married to Whitney and VWed to (almost) the top. This week, they do a ‘Most Haunted’ style trip around the ‘haunted’ bits of Longleat (i.e. all its many fabulous paintings) and I’m not entirely sure how showing off that she lives in a massive mansion is meant to endear her to the public who’ve already dumped her in the dance-off but maybe the production team think otherwise.

Their routine opens with some graphics of game cards that are a less than a sliver of a hair away from copyright infringement. Aljaž is ‘Prof Aljaž’ and looks very Professor Plum with white hair and a moustache. Emma is in red, but instead of being ‘Miss Emma’ she’s ‘Lady’ Emma? If you’re going to change the title anyway, may as well have just made her VISCOUNTESS – first she was demoted to maid (sorry, chef’s assistant) and now to mere ‘Lady’? What humiliations await in future weeks?

They are doing a Charleston to ‘A Little Party Never Killed Nobody’ which I don't think I've ever heard before, and, whaddya know she can do the socialite flapper thing – playing it aloof but not too goofy (which I don’t mind but I suspect Craig won’t like). There’s a weird bit where she is clearly mouthing something that isn’t the words, and I wish this year’s cast would stop with that. Otherwise it’s a disco Charleston that has a lot of good moments although is a bit unrecognisable as a Charleston in places (though no worse than Kelvin and Oti’s in that regard). Emma isn’t quite letting her body go to the extent Aljaž is – resulting in Aljaž being totally out of breath, and Emma quite calm, declaring it ‘fun’. Also they never find out who the killer is, so presumably they’re still at large and could take down more of the cast before the night is out.

Craig says her trucking step was lame, and she was missing the goofiness and energy. [God Craig just let us have some NON-GURNY CHARLESTONS once in a while! - Steve] Motsi says she’s always rehearsed and on point, ‘even your hair girl’ – and she put some spice in it. Craig says she looked like a ballet dancer. Aljaž says she hasn’t done ballet before. Shirley says Craig needs to get into the Halloween spirit - she can see trust between them and week by week Emma’s ‘petals are opening a bit more’. Well, yes, that did look like what was happening against the wall in their jive. Bruno tells her to do the dance at every library in the country - as the nation’s library staff immediately call the BBC complaints department and I expect Tess will give us A Very Serious Message to Not Try This at Home/Your Local Library in a bit. Or at least that’s what would happen if we had any libraries left these days. Hooray for the Big Society!

Scores: 6, 8, 8, 8 for a total of 30.

Because there’s some contract clause that says everyone involved in this show has to celebrate a birthday during the run – their own, or a loved one’s – Emma tells us it’s her son John’s fifth birthday today.

Chris and Karen as pissed off Rococo ghosts who died in their wigs

In their VT Chris and Karen say they’re playing ghosts in a theatre and Chris drops a couple of dad joke bombs about having died in a theatre before and his hips being scared of Halloween.  He makes Karen laugh anyway.

They’re doing a samba to 'Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)' and dressed in semi-Rococo themed outfits with white wigs.  For those wondering if the lyrics will change – the singers do indeed sing "Backstreet’s back" (I note that ‘Gloria’ can be changed to ‘Anneka’ and various songs to ‘Katya and Mike are doing a thing are you laughing yet’ but ‘Backstreet’ is sacred). They do not sing ‘oh my god’  though, changing it to ‘oh my gosh’, and it’s quaint that they think the little old lady church brigade are totally fine with Halloween and devils and witches and whatever but will absolutely blanch at an ‘oh my god’. Who knew that was where the line would be?

As for the routine – as always, Chris’s mouth is going ten to dozen. And one of his legs is way more into it than the other – it’s like one side of his body is having a full on party and the other side’s outside having a crafty fag. Overall, some of the steps are there but his shaping and fluidity? Not so much. At the end he sweeps Karen on the floor for ages then flashes her knickers to the nation. 

At the end, even before pulling her skirt down, Karen chucks the wig off with the same vigour most women embrace bra release time. Then Tess shames her by pointing it out and Karen reluctantly retrives it and chucks it at the judges instead of the audience – it’s clearly really mangy so I don’t blame her.

Motsi says says his hips are ‘kind of warmed up’ – he has fun and energy, and compensated for technique a bit with personality.  Shirley says there were a few mistakes, and he got on the wrong foot, but she then gets him to wiggle his hips and he says ‘ooh I feel like a piece of meat’. Well, they can’t only treat Kelvin that way. She says he needs to point his feet in different directions for the voltas and he says he’ll google it. Bruno says he’s ‘never seen anything so good in a horrible way’ -rigor mortis was there and then not - and he needs to be constant and watch his timing, he can’t keep going on and off or he won’t get high scores. Craig (wearing double spider brooches) says he looked like he came back from the dead (kind of the theme of the dance though) and his joints need WD40 - Chris offers him the opportunity to do it after show. I learned from the new Dave Gorman programme this week that WD-40 actually have a warning against using the product for arthritis and other medical issues in their FAQ (Trufax - read it for yourselves), so perhaps not the best idea to put that idea in people’s minds, unless that’s Strictly Serial Killer Talk. Revel Horwood in the ballroom with the spray can? Can’t rule it out.

In the Clauditorium, Karen has had the wig thrust back to her and she kicks it into the fourth wall. [Bet Ruth Langsford never had this much trouble. - Steve] Chris says the dance was so hard and that was the best he could do. He says his hips have moved more in the last week than his whole life or his family’s lives combined. Scores 5, 6, 6, 6 for a total of 23. His son Robin is 4 tomorrow as well. If you guys are going to baby warz your kids’ birthdays at least do it in a VT.

Saffron and AJ as ?? and ??

Their training VT sees them wearing T shirts with writing on that’s been covered over with black gaffer tape – except only on the front, and Saffron’s still has a lot of writing along the bum, so either compliance missed that one or decided it’d be a bit too Homer and the gummy Venus De Milo to broach it. She tells AJ she always wanted to be a wizard and he snaps ‘you’re a witch’. Calm down gender stereotype reinforcement police. She says she thought jive would be the easiest but it hasn’t been, and she wants a break. So she casts a spell and turns AJ into a cat with human lips as if he wasn’t already uncanny valley enough. Honestly, scariest moment of the night and we haven’t even come to the scores they give Alex yet.

She is… Buffy before she turned Slayer? Or Willow before she turned Witch? He is – the younger brother of Ajlaz’s character from two weeks ago? A lumberjack? The theme makes no sense. [She's Sabrina from Netflix's Chilling Adventures Thereof! I don't know who AJ is meant to be because I've only seen half an episode and I don't know who any of the male characters are. - Steve] They are jiving to ‘Every Little Thing She Does is Magic’ and this is not a good choice. Mainly because I hate it, but also because it slows down in the middle. Anyway, it’s all a bit twee and her skirt keeps riding up so we see her pants. Hmm, maybe Vicky Gill is the silent Strictly strangler and is killing them through shame. It’s energetic, a little clunky in places, but she does a pretty good job overall – if not at the height of last week.

Shirley says her magic is improving (and then goes on to criticise and score her worse than last week lol this show) and her flick ball change was lovely but she was slightly in front of the music and needs to get on the beat. She also needs to focus on details now, such as pointing her feet when going through AJ’s legs. Bruno says she definitely bewitched him and the audience – it was clear, compact and tight, with sizzling chemistry. Craig says it’s the first dance he’s enjoyed tonight (love it when Craig has his rando faves) and AJ and Saffron both go mental. Motsi praises her for keeping going, and dancing kick ball changes on the stairs. She says Saffron needs to be a bit cleaner and more in control in places but she loved it overall. Also I got confused by ‘flick ball change’ and ‘kick ball change’ and google suggests they are the same thing, so much for years of this show drumming ‘flicks and kicks’ into me as if these were different entities. (I might be wrong, don’t @ me I’ve been recapping this show for too many hours now. I mean you can @ me if you want, learning is good, I am an education professional after all).

AJ skips up to the Clauditorium, clearly very happy. Saffron says it was amazing and fast but her legs are killing her. AJ’s tan is really bad, you guys. AJ says to Saffron: ‘best performance of the night from you’ and Claudia hurriedly goes ‘the only one’. Scores: 8, 8, 8, 9 for a total of 33.

Mike and Katya as the White Rabbit and Alice

Last week, they did ‘an iconic number’ according to Mike. I think the rest of us called it something else entirely, but there we are. In their VT Katya plays the mad hatter (typecasting) and tells him he’s going to be playing the white rabbit in their dance. He seems unkeen. Katya informs us that they call the tango ‘the Ferrari of ballroom dances’ and you need to be ‘low, wide and powerful’. I guess that’s why it was Ann Widdecombe’s best scoring routine then.

They are dancing to ‘What You Waiting For’ and Katya’s mouth is yelling at him again for most of it. I can’t make out if the singer sang ‘you stupid ho’ or not – it sounded like she might have but it could also have been ‘girl’, which seems more likely. [They edited the song around all of the "stupid ho" bits, but the one you heard was "take a chance 'cos you might grow" - Helpful Steve Who Listened To This Song A Lot In The Early 2000s] Although Mike looks pissed off throughout at being dressed as a rabbit, this is actually much more restrained than their last couple of routines. The only real gimmickography is a tick tock bit with the arms that does go with the music and the theme. It’s not a great routine by any stretch, and there are places she’s clearly trying to rein him back in, but it’s more enjoyable than they’ve been all series. I wonder if someone has had a word and told them the Komedy was going over about as well as a bucket of cold sick with the audience.

Bruno says he was pleasantly surprised, as he was expecting a mad march hare and got a prim and proper well behaved rabbit. [Anyone else feel like "prim and proper" wasn't necessary a compliment? - Steve] However, he could see Katya barking orders at him and Mike lost footing a couple of times. He is glad they went for quality and content this week though. Craig says his bottom was sticking out and his shoulders were raised, and it was a bit stompy but he loved the concept and character. Motsi says this week she could recognise the dance (you gave him 9 for his so-called quickstep, Motsi, don’t come over all purity of dahnce now) and it was a solid performance where he tried his best – it wasn’t so great, but he tried. Shirley says there was great content, no gimmicks and she admires that he listens to criticisms.

In the Clauditorium, Mike starts to speak very posh and earnestly – why am I not surprised that there’s a secret luvvie under that sub-Hollins act? Scores: 6, 6, 7, 7 for a total of 26. I love how everyone is ‘oh my god that’s good’ when Craig gives them an ok mark and then totally deflated when Motsi gives them the same score.

Karim and Amy as Mike and Eleven

Their training involves them trying to explain the plot of Stranger Things so much it feels like an advert – someone’s even built a full replica of the letter light wall (which is more effort than will go into the staging of the dance). The BBC can’t mention Night at the Museum or Cluedo but they can promote a Netflix show all over the place? [Honestly, between this and Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina it felt like this show was sponsored by Netflix this week. At least do a Bojack Horseman routine if you're going to sell out your principles! - Steve] Anyway, if this dance is anything like the series, it’ll start out well, flounder in the middle, show a bit more promise in the third act before repeating itself over and over with diminishing returns. Which would make it a perfect choice for the Viennese Waltz, come to think of it.

Sadly, it’s not a Viennese Waltz but something pretending to be a paso doble, not that you can tell from – well, most of what’s going on here. It’s being danced to ‘Smalltown Boy’ which is a bop and a half but isn’t the best genre fit (maybe more of a tango choice?) and they’re dressed as Mike and Eleven (Karim is in a ridiculous wig [he looks like Moira Stuart - Steve]) and whilst the costumes do reflect the characters, they’re a bit too literal as they don’t suit the dance at all. There’s no cape anywhere for one thing (Amy’s skirt doesn’t really cut it). The music and the whole look of it are just very offputting. As for the dancing, there are some high energy moments and tricky leaps (because Karim can clearly do that) and it’s very physical and fast. However, it’s not very smooth or finessed, and we know from his tango that he can do more than just herky-jerky stuff. He sticks his bum out A LOT. I never know which routines are the ones where bums are bad and which are the ones where bums are good, but I expect the judges will have something to say about it. [Wait, sometimes bums are bad? On this show? Could've fooled me. - Steve]

Craig loved the leaps, jetes and double pirouette but thought it was too placed, lacking in paso style and was very sharp hitting rather than having flowing movement. Motsi says he’s a brilliant, talented dancer but he needs to think about the intention of why he’s doing it, and he gives them so much that it’s like eating pasta every day, it’s not special any more. Shirley says there’s no mistaking the talent but it lacked in light and shade and missed the mark of a paso doble as there wasn’t much silence or growth of movement – it was like running and needed more slow moments. Bruno says he’s the only sane person left, he thought it was thrilling and exciting and it was a bit shaky because of the speed but it was for ‘a new generation’ even though he claims young adults don’t watch the show (???) and it was beautiful.

In the Clauditorium, Amy says the choreography is her fault and it was all about running away. [And turning away, and running away, and turning away, and running away. - Steve] Karim says it’s a really hard dance and he loves it but doesn’t know if it loves him, as he found it a bit awkward.

Cores: 7, 7, 7, 8 for a total of 29. I like how Bruno was building that way up and then just gave it an 8.

We have a preview of Alex and Kevin only having two hours’ notice about performing together and Kevin laughing ‘well I’ve gotta get into the final some way haven’t I?’

Catherine and Johannes as Zombie bride and groom (any similarity to a Tim Burton film is purely coincidental)

Their VT features two witches coming to see them – in the form of the Battersby sisters from Coronation Street. It’s no nail bar.

Their cha cha (yes, they still keep coming) is set on ‘Horrornation street’ and danced to ‘Scared Of The Dark’ which seems to have been chosen because STEPS and HALLOWEEN rather than because it’s a good choice for the dance. Johannes looks stunning, and Catherine looks like they shredded one of those plastic curtains you get in butchers’ shops and flung it at her. It’s a very mixed bag as a routine, there are one or two nice flourishes at the start, and in the more showy parts (especially in hold), but in side by side she is more hesitant – the tempo of the music keeping slowing down probably doesn’t help – and she looks a little lost or even bored at times. [Yeah, I really felt for her drawing cha cha cha at this point - it's about the worst dance she could've been given this week. - Steve]

Motsi loved how she played around with body, and the top part of her body was on it but ‘downstairs something else was happening, I think you need to clean it up’ and there are some sniggers from the audience. Me too. Shirley says people miss where the accent comes in cha cha beats and she got it at the start, but there were a lot of mistakes as it went on and she could see it in Johannes’ face. Bruno says it started well and she had a good performance but when something went wrong you could see the confidence disappear – but she’s an actress so she should play big and sell it even when it goes wrong. Craig says it’s a dance of two halves – upper half brilliant, lower half terrible.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says the cha cha ‘is hideous…ly difficult’ and Catherine says she cried when Steps split up and Claudia says she thinks they’re back together or will be again some time. These 90s bands are so hard to keep up with. Scores: 6, 6, 5, ‘to compensate’ 7. For not the first time tonight, there was a ‘oh, fine’ for Craig’s 6 and an ‘oof’ for Motsi’s.

Michelle and Giovanni as Morticia and Gomez Addams

Their VT features them watching Addams Family Values (which is quite the burn on the animated film that came out this week – although why the sequel rather than the first Addams Family film is a mystery [BECAUSE ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES IS THE BEST ONE - Steve]), even though it’s not movie week. Michelle says watching the film is all about getting into character and Giovanni says he’s just here for popcorn. Their dynamic doesn’t get any less weird as time goes on, does it?

They are dancing the foxtrot to the Addams Family theme tune and have lucked out in terms of theming – there’s some elaborate staging with gates and gravestones and so much dry ice that the first third of the dance is invisible. They also look fabulous (and comfortable) in their costumes, which helps a lot. It’s very well danced – clean, placed, with some nice character moments, but I think Ashley and Pasha’s foxtrot last year has set the bar too high for foxtrots for me now because as polished as it was, there were a couple of places where I wanted more spectacle. Sorry guys.

Shirley calls it phenomenal, praising the beautiful heel turn and great body contact. Bruno says ‘Addams Family Values (out now on DVD probably) are rock solid, so is the foxtrot’, and it combined classic and gothic to perfection. Craig says he was desperately looking for something that was wrong and Michelle collapses into Giovanni’s chest because she knows what that means (I bet it doesn’t mean his 10, not this far away from BLACKPOOL. He doesn’t give it up that easy). He says there was a tiny bit of gapping but Giovanni is very clever and it was inspired. Motsi says it was sensational and her little dancing heart was happy as it had technical aspects as well as performance. In the Clauditorium Anton has a face like a cat’s bum and it’s kind of hilarious how much he’s seething. Scores:  9, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39 and the highest score of the series so far. Giovanni to smash his and Kevin’s current shared run of four consecutive final appearances? Don’t bet against it. [Giovanni's currently only on two consecutive finals; Laura Whitmore finished ninth in 2016. - Steve] [I completely forgot she was even a thing.  Sorry Laura - Rad] They promote the socials and Michelle says ‘snapchat’. Claudia: ‘we’re mad on SnapChat’. Then a panicked producer in ear makes her say ‘I don’t think that’s true about SnapChat whatever that is’. 

Kelvin and Oti as Sexeh Vampires

Their VT features them taking part in Shibari dressed as ‘training’ and it makes me come over all Motsi (except that it’s Oti who needs to get her hands off Kelvin rather than the other way round). Also Kelvin pronounces staccato ‘stigato’, bless.

They’re dancing the tango to ‘Bad Guy’ (which X Factor Celebrity also used last night, look how desperate they both are to be ZEITGEISTY) – I like that they use the vocoder on the singer here. Kelvin flies in and there’s a large bit where we only see Oti while they get him out of harness. He is wearing a massive leather trench coat that makes it hard to see what he’s doing though from what I can tell it’s pretty competent with a strong frame and nice footwork, apart from a moment where something seems to go wrong and he looks momentarily startled. He is staring off into the middle distance a lot, which I assume is a character choice, but it’s the same thing Emma B was slated for so it’ll be interesting to see if the judges pick up on it. In the audience Mike Bushell’s wife. Is. Not. Into. it.

Bruno feigns his ripping top off – calling it bad but so good, with almost hypnotic power and intention. He says the choreography was great, they did make a mistake in a link but otherwise it was one of the most mesmerising tangos he’s ever seen. Craig says he’d love to see it again without the mistake ‘but obviously not in the dance off’. Motsi (still calling him Kevin) loves his inner strength and the control in his body. In the audience, Alan Carr approves. Shirley calls him terrifyingly fabulous, like a long snake trying to eat a fly, whatever that means.

In the Clauditorium, Kelvin says he didn’t close properly in one movement, and Claudia does a quick throwaway thanks to hair, make-up, costume and sets. It’s no Brendan Cole speech. Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 - 36

Alex and Kevin as Ghostbusters

As it’s Couples Choice time we get the obligatory X Factor style inspiration porn – she grew up on a council estate with her mum who wore fab shoulderpads. Her mum says people told them she shouldn’t play football and she wasn’t having it, and she was proud when Alex got an MBE. Alex cries and goes to see some teens and says her background is ‘not a sob story for me’. As much as I like the VISCOUNTESS, I’m a bit nervous about what her couple’s choice inspirational backstory is going to be and how it’ll look in comparison to the others we’ve had this series. [I dunno, "my racist in-laws pretend I don't exist" has to beat "I've got a nan" at least, surely? - Steve] There’s no injury porn covering what happened to Neil, so it really must have been very close to the show starting when he went down.

Throughout the ‘street/commercial’ routine (yet another movie themed dance, because the theme weeks are so distinctive. Although I shouldn’t complain too much lest they bring back Fusion week or Around the World week) you can see she’s thrown by Neil being missing and she’s constantly looking at Kevin to see if he’s doing OK. He isn’t really. A few of the moves are quite fun but it’s overall hesitant and stilted because she seems so nervous and he’s clearly trying his best at having been thrown in at the last minute. What’s there shows promise and it could have been a decent routine with Neil there, albeit a cheesy one.

Kevin says it’s difficult enough having to learn a routine in four days then teaching a pro in 45 mins and he got a few things wrong but she kept going. Tess says their rehearsal time genuinely was about 45 minutes.

Craig says she did very very well and the style suits her compact body. It needs to hit picture picture picture picture (?) [I think he means she's supposed to pop and lock - Steve] and she missed that a bit, but he loves her earthiness. Motsi says she could hear her telling Kevin what to do and she loved the pop locking bit and her performance level has doubled since the beginning. Shirley doesn’t want to talk about the dancing and says it shows strong mental ability to cope without Neil and when Kevin made mistakes. Bruno says she delivered under pressure and it was her best dance ever (I’d say ‘didn’t you watch last week’s, Bruno’ but of course he won’t have bothered watching it). Bruno, clearly unimpressed with Claudia’s effort thanks hair and makeup again with a ‘come on guys’.

Kevin apologises on way up to the Clauditorium and says he completely blanked in the middle.  Scores: 7, 9 (LOLWUT), 9, 9 for a seriously overcompensated 34. I mean I get that they want to score inflate with Neil being away and not being able to cancel two couples’ performances at short notice (I didn't recap all the previews but there were A LOT to cover Will and Janette's absence), but some 7s and 8s coupled with that VT would surely suffice given the low scores they’ve handed out tonight?

Leaderboard:

1. Michelle & Giovanni - 39

2. Kelvin & Oti - 36

3. Alex & Kevin - 34

4. Saffron & AJ - 33

5. Emma & Aljaž - 30          

6. Karim & Amy - 29

7. Emma & Anton - 28

8. Mike & Katya - 26

9. Catherine & Johannes - 24

10. Chris & Karen - 23

Wow, there really aren't many letters of the alphabet used in naming pros, are there?

The lines open to the X Files theme, and I have no idea who’s going home – Mike and Katya would have been the obvious choice before this evening but with two couples lower and lots of people sub-30, I could see anyone from Emma W downwards in the dance-off.

We’ll find out tomorrow who goes home - and possibly unmask the creepy cast killer as well (or at least find out what happened to Neil). I’ll enjoy watching the Simpsons-ripped-off spooky name credits in the meantime.