This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- ...what the BBC's Controller of Entertainment Production looks like.
- There was no fix and nothing underhand about Saturday's result - it was just that their long list of contingencies did not happen to include what would happen if two people tied at the top of the leaderboard.
- The number of bizarre conspiracy theories stemming from the viewers of this show will never cease to amaze us.
- The judges' scores will roll over to this week as well as the viewers' votes, and the tally thus far will be displayed at the beginning of Saturday's show. The scores will then be started afresh once the third place contestant has been eliminated, before the final two go on to do their group Viennese Waltz and show dance. Good, well done BBC.
- IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Honest.
- Anything can happen in the dance-off. Also: on Hallowe'en.
- Jill Halfpenny now makes people put money in the swearbox every time they mention her jive.
- Camilla, perhaps understandably, has little sympathy for Vincent's claims that he's been "waiting for a year" to get into the final.
- Tom apparently has plans to repeat his tap-dancing quickstep bullshit as part of his showdance. Give me strength.
- Ian has a separate wardrobe for his shirts and keeps them in colour-coordinated order. He also dresses up as a frog for Camilla. The mind boggles. However, he also owns lots of hats. SHOCKER.
- This series is the first time in Strictly history that 40/40 has been awarded more than once in the same series. Possibly because of all the insane overmarking, but who knows?
- There will be three(!) foxtrots in the final. Hardest ballroom style, my ass.
- Mark Ramprakash is still an extremely boring man, but at least he does still dance outside of official Strictly appearances occasionally. Mentioning no names, Darren Gough.
- Ramprakash's daughters tape The X Factor.
- Judging by the photos from her childhood, Flavia appears not to have heeded her mother's warning about her face staying that way if the wind changes.
- Ian thinks Tom's strong point is "showing himself off". Give that man a prize!
- Kristian Digby is not good at pretending he thinks Lisa should win.
- Austin Healey neighs, and likes to eat hay.
- The men's latin shirts have cycling shorts attached to the bottom to prevent them from coming untucked when they're dancing.
- Lisa used to cry a lot as a child. Thank heavens she grew out of that, eh?
- Lisa's showdance outfit is more "Strictly Come Swimming", per Hilary Alexander.
- People, as a whole, tend to find the foxtrot more glamorous than the waltz. Apparently.
- Russell Watson is a weekend transvestite.
- Alesha wears hot-pants in her new video. Russell Watson does not do the same in his.
- The showdance songs are 'If My Friends Could See Me Now' (Tom - of course), 'I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)' (Lisa) and 'Flashdance (What A Feeling)' (Rachel). If the final is fought on the number of parentheses used in song titles, Tom will lose. Sadly we suspect this will not turn out to be the case.
- According to Tom, there is no such word as "excuse me" in Danish. He apparently hasn't noticed it's actually two words in English.

Poor mathematics. And all that jazz

The semi-final LIVE! results show
Tx 13th December 2008

The BBC HD ad where it warns you that your eyes will bleed if you watch - srsly not the best way to convince me to invest.

Three couples are battling it out for a place in the final! This is the Strictly semi-final! LIVE!

Titles! Clapping! Drink!

Bruce welcomes us to the results show. Tess tells us the three couples have danced their hearts out, but because there was a tie at the top, they are freezing the phone lines NOW. To me, this indicates they will unfreeze them a bit later. What do you think? This will become important. [It was a bit weird, since we don't know that the phone lines wouldn't usually be closed at the beginning of the results show on a Saturday, because they never have the results show on a Saturday. Anyway, what I heard was: "You can't stop Tom from being voted out, so we're changing the rules." - Georgi]

What's been happening backstage? Tom says it couldn't get much bigger than this - "there's me and two girls." SNIGGER! Lisa and Brendan did a nice Argentine tango; Tom slipped and is fretting about being the worst; Lisa didn't see Tom's dance cos she was getting changed [I wish I'd thought of that - Steve]; Brendan is proud of Lisa and of them as a couple, and jumps up and down, then they cry; Camilla wept because she crumbled under pressure and forgot how to choreograph; Vincent got in a strop because Len slagged his choreography. EXCITING STUFF.

Tess reminds us that Lisa and Rachel are tied at the top of the leaderboard, and Tom is at the bottom. Also THE PHONE LINES HAVE NOW CLOSED. So you can't vote. At all. Ever. But they're still going to recap the performances. Still, I guess it's better than filling the spare time with more Bruce-Len skits.

Bruce welcomes the judges - "la creme de la creme. That's French for the best we could get." Ha. Len says he has been impressed from week one with the standard in this series, and the final three are the cherry on the cake. He thinks this is the toughest test on television. [I'd take it over I'm A Celebrity, personally. - Georgi] Arlene claps like a seal. Bruno says there was plenty to get going for, and it was a case of girl power unleashed - "both of my girls did me proud". Tragically we have no reprise of "IT'S DIVA TIIIIIIIIME!" Craig expects that finalists should dance to the very best of their abilities, and nothing less than perfection is appropriate. Arlene says to be a Strictly champion, you need desire, dedication and a devotion to dance. And possibly other qualities beginning with D. [Due diligence? - Steve]

Here is a showdance from the world champions - Craig Smith and Natalie Wolf. Craig has a see-through sparkly top. Natalie has dressed herself from Ola's cast-offs. They do lots of very nice lifts, including a twirly one at the end where Natalie rolls herself up Craig's torso. It's all pretty, but it's basically rhythmic gymnastics. I half-expect Gabby Logan to rush onto the floor and demand to be allowed to take part.

Tess decides that Natalie does not eat chip butties. This is because Tess is GRITTY AND NORTHERN. She asks Lisa and Brendan how they'll prepare for a similar showdance. Brendan wails, "I need to go to the gym!" and pretends to storm off. Tess encourages the boys to take their shirts off. LEAVE IT, DALY. Tom says he won't do lifts, and will do tap-dancing instead. [Oh joy. - Steve] He says his new wife Clare, whom he has married, has spotted him extending his arms in his sleep. Camilla corrects his hand position. Ha! Pwned by Dallerup. Rachel is tedious in talking about her Journey. [Drink! - Georgi] Vincent is choreographing Rachel and Alex's first dance at their wedding, which is cute.

Bruce says that we don't just love the celebrities. I'd go as far as saying that we don't even love the celebrities in some cases. Anyway, it's all a way of welcoming Matthew, Karen, Darren, Lilia, James and Ola to the floor in a group jive. All lovely. Well done.

Tess reminds us NOT TO VOTE BECAUSE THE PHONE LINES ARE CLOSED. She goes to talk to Austin, but not Erin, whom she studiously ignores. [Which was really fucking RUDE, I thought. Poor Erin. - Georgi] [Maybe if Erin works on her guns for next year things will be different? - Steve] Matt Dawson claims that he is devastated at Austin's exit; Austin claims he will never ever ever dance again. Then he moves on to enthuse about how great all the semi-finalists are. Matt Dawson is disappointed not to have A RUGBY PLAYER in the final, but the performances tonight are loads better than his were. True fact. Austin and Matt cuddle. OF COURSE THEY DO. Austin talks about how good the dances were, including Rachel's Argentine tango (although he begins to say "American Smooth" and then corrects himself), and then says he wants Tom to win because it is so hard for men to dance.

Bruce is talking to June Whitfield, who doesn't know how the judges can possibly judge. Well, if in doubt, they don't, June, have you not been watching? She then says that it is hard for men to dance with professional partners, but the girls are also terrific, and she couldn't choose who should win, so she'll plead the Fifth. Which doesn't exist in this country. Bruce and June reminisce about their youth, and then she says that they couldn't do the show without him. Heh.

This week on It Takes Two - judges, contestants, dancers, alumna, celebrity fans. RUSSELL WATSON! ALESHA! JAMES! LILIA! OLA! Very excited now.

We are just a few minutes away from announcing the fate of the three semi-finalists, so in the meantime, let's watch the cast of Chicago, along with Ian, Hayley, James, Matthew, Flavia, and Ola, performing All That Jazz. Ian is clearly having the best time ever, and it's so adorable.

Now it is time to find out who will go through to this year's Grand Final. It is the Moment Of Truth. Tess reveals the outcome of tonight's show, and reminds us that the phone lines have closed. She adds that all the votes will be carried over to next week. While we're still digesting that, she declares that all three couples will go through to next week. Brendan looks shellshocked. Everyone does a ring-a-roses and there is much screeching and hugging. [Ha ha, I love how everyone else is hugging, while Brendan just stands there with a grin plastered on his face, clearly thinking, "Hang on a minute..." - Georgi]

But really, this is fucked. Obviously this has happened because there was no way to save Tom from the bottom two and he'd have been out on his protruding arse against either Lisa or Rachel in the dance-off. Where the BBC have fallen down is that this would have been A GOOD THING. Tom is the weaker dancer. And if people are too fucking stupid to have realised that he could never have been saved, they deserve to be robbed blind on the phone voting. Also stupid? The BBC. It was apparent within three seconds of the judges' leaderboard being published that Tom was screwed, leading to much celebration in my house. Did they have no contingency plans? Or are they just really bad at counting?

Oh, whatever. I'm off to rant elsewhere. Very annoyed indeed. Lisa ftw!

You know when you've been tango-ed

Semi-finals
Tx 13th December 2008

Last weekend was one of the most dramatic in Strictly history! Austin went out! Brendan had a hissy fit! Three celebrities remain! Two will dance-off LIVE later tonight! This! Is! Strictly! Come! Dancing! Titles!

Welcome your hosts, Brucie and Tess, Daly dresswatch: not too awful, long, red and strapless. Although actually I'm worried her tits might go flying at any moment. Brucie makes a joke about Anton bribing people to vote for him or something. It doesn't really make sense. Let's meet the (dwindling) stars of the show: Tom and Camilla; Lisa and Brendan; Rachel and Vincent. Lisa's got her Alesha hip-shake on, yay. Brucie can't talk properly. Tonight the couples will be doing the Argentine tango, plus their favourite dance of the series - although not the same routine they did before.

First up are Lisa and Brendan. Bruce mentions Brendan storming out of the studio last week, and Brendan looks sheepish, heh. Brendan was ANGRY because he didn't think Austin and Erin's salsa was any better than their jive. He may have a point. They've decided to dance the quickstep this week, which is braver than doing whatever they got their highest mark for. Brendan has never done the Argentine tango before - danger! What Will Happen? Let's see...

First I must say that Lisa's outfit is sexxxxxy, and I love her little gloves. Not sure what the music is, it's tango music with a drum beat behind it. The tango is seriously sultry though - love it. Bruce says it's a good time to welcome the singers, even though they haven't sung anything yet. Brucie harks back to the "SEV-UNN!" joke from a couple of weeks ago, because actually the Severn doesn't run through Bristol. Brucie almost forgets about Lisa and Brendan who are waiting for their comments. [I wanted Brendan to start hitting the desk and telling them, "It's all about LISA, guys!" - Carrie] Len thought they got into the character of the dance, and liked all the moves - in conclusion, he loved it. Bruno says the first thing he saw was "Lisa's legs reaching to the outer limits - you were wrapping around Brendan like Octopussy!" He says some of the footwork could have been more precise, though. Craig liked the spiky nature of it and the passion, and picks on a few little details. Arlene thinks Brendan seems more nervous than any of the celebrities. Awww, he doesn't want to let Lisa down. Arlene says that Lisa's "legs are made for wrapping", but she didn't quite "glide and caress the floor" enough.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Tess explains that the Argentine tango is very difficult, and Brendan says he's brought his mum over from New Zealand to watch the show for the first time. Aww. The judges scores are in: Craig - 8, Arlene - 8, at which point the audience seem to be in a state of shock, but they are followed by: Len - 10, Bruno - 9. So, a total of 35, which may not be good enough at this point, but we'll see.

Bruce is joined by Flavia to demonstrate some Argentine tango moves. She pretends to kick him in the nuts. Tom and Camilla are next, dancing the jive. Tom and Camilla were over the moon with their 10s last week. Tom says he danced as Tom, rather than trying to act. Their VT is quite dull. Tom feels inferior to Lisa and Rachel [because he is - Carrie], and does not want to leave.

Oh, this might be the campest thing all evening. They're dancing to 'Waterloo'. It has great energy, and their synchronisation is good too. I've just realised I'm actually enjoying one of Tom's routines. [I thought it was a pretty rubbish routine. Although I did like Camilla's crazy Latin faces. She and Karen should have a face-off. - Carrie] Tom Chesthair Watch: still there. Craig says Tom had more energy in the kicks and flicks than the last time he jived, but they got a bit lazy towards the end. Craig wasn't thrilled by the routine, which he didn't think showed Tom off to his full potential. Arlene says in terms of energy it was "more exciting than the 50% off sale at Woolworths". [At least now we know Arlene's erratic behaviour is due to a sugar high from discounted pick 'n' mix. - Steve] However, sometimes Tom lost the rhythm. Len liked some of the moves, especially the Miami special, whatever that is, and overall he thought it was brilliant. Bruno wonders if this could be Tom's Waterloo, because it wasn't as good as it could have been.

Backstage, Tess points out that the jive was one of Tom and Camilla's lowest scoring dances the first time round. At least they'll probably get better than they did last time. Tess tries to console them with the fact that Austin gave them a standing ovation. The scores are in: 8s from everyone except Len, who gives them a 9, for a total of 33.

The final couple are Rachel and Vincent. Bruce makes a joke about learning modern slang to impress Rachel, because she is like down with the kidz innit. Vincent has an obvious advantage in the Argentine tango, what with being the world champion and everything. Don't forget it is a Very Difficult Dance. Rachel is struggling under the pressure.

Rachel's dress is very glam - black, backless and sparkly. They're dancing to 'When Doves Cry', which... kind of works. It's all very precise, but doesn't have as much character as Lisa and Brendan's tango. They're so going to get 10s though. The audience are on their feet. Arlene says the dance is about longing and yearning, and when Rachel looked into Vincent's eyes, they connected. Also, if legs could talk, Rachel's legs "would be telling so many secrets". Len calls it a "technical tour de force", but if he was going to be finnicky - which of course he isn't - it could have had more of a dramatic edge. But he didn't mention Lisa's stumble, so he is not even bothered. Which is kind of like saying: well, it's the semi-final, let's just give everyone 10s for the hell of it. Bruno says that at moments they "seemed to morph into a sensual being with four legs". He thought it was executed with "finesse and ease". Craig says what's difficult is maintaining the connection and stillness of the upper body while the legs are going mad, but they did it brilliantly. Bruce asks about a particular move, and Craig says it was a bit dodgy and he shouldn't have mentioned it.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Rachel says her legs are like jelly, though not literally. Vincent emphasises how difficult the choreography was. The scores are in: Craig - 9, Arlene - 10, Len - 10, Bruno - 10, for a triumphant 39, which equals Mark Ramprakash's record for the dance.

The leaderboard looks like this at the halfway point: Rachel and Vincent are top with 39, followed by Lisa and Brendan with 35, and Tom and Camilla are at the bottom with 33.

Before Lisa and Brendan do their second dance, the quickstep, we have a VT of their Strictly story. Brendan says he doesn't know how to deal with Lisa crying because he's "not that kind of person". Lulz. By the way, they do not want to leave.

I don't know the song they're dancing to, but I assume it's called 'Dancing in the Dark'. Not the Bruce Springsteen one though. Lisa and Brendan are generally fab. Bruce goes over to Len, who says they had body contact and maintained the movement, and have produced two fantastic dances tonight. Bruno says there's nothing dark about their dance - Lisa was like a shooting star, and he loved it. Craig says his complaint last time was the gapping, and this time they were "velcroed together". Arlene says Lisa has mastered the quickstep - "You've come a long way, baby." Brucie whispers to them that they're his favourites. Jinx!

Backstage, Lisa is all like, "I never thought I'd be in the semi-final, and Brendan is so great." The scores are in: 10s across the board, for a perfect 40! Brendan won't be storming off tonight then.

Tom and Camilla are next, with their Argentine tango. First, their Strictly story. Did you know Tom has recently GOT MARRIED? Tom has always wanted to learn to dance. Blah, blah, blah. Strictly has been the best chapter in Tom's life. Better than GETTING MARRIED?

Tom and Camilla are tangoing to traditional tango music, so yays for that. It's a bit boring though, and Tom isn't masterful enough. The choreography didn't look as difficult as Lisa's or Rachel's. Bruno says that Tom went for performance and got it right. Craig thinks it was right to use Tom's acting experience [since said "acting experience" gave birth to the Paso Face, I have my doubts about this - Steve], but he thought it was style over substance. However, he loved the routine and thought it was controlled and believable. Arlene says there was a lot of story, not a lot of steps and figures, but it was "like moving through mercury". What? Len says he finds this dance hard to judge - so just as usual then. Brucie says they're his favourites.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Tom says he's very nervous. The scores are in: 8s from Craig and Arlene, 9s from Len and Bruno, for a total of 34. Could we see Tom and Camilla in their first dance-off tonight?

The final couple is Rachel and Vincent, doing the American smooth. Will Rachel take Vincent to the final? In their VT, Rachel confesses to being obsessed with Dirty Dancing, so it's a shame she didn't get partnered with Brendan really. Rachel wants her personality to come out, which would be easier if she had one. They are Best Friends 4 Eva. And they want to get to the final.

They're dancing to 'Mandy', and it's good, but dull. Pretty cheesetastic, really. It's obviously a safe option too, considering the high marks they got for their foxtrot. Arlene says that if ever there's a return to Hollywood movies, "Rachel is our Ginger Rogers" - she "puts the Rs in rapture and romance". Len says he didn't think it was a foxtrot, it was "wandering around doing steps". Bruno says it had "the quality of beautiful dreams". Craig says Len is wrong, and in an American smooth you can do whatever you like, and he thought it was gorgeous and he loved it. Well, we haven't had enough arguing this week, have we? Vincent and Rachel are Brucie's favourites.

Backstage, Tess reminds us that they've broken three records this series, and they must be pressed for time because they go straight to the judges' scores: 9s from Craig and Arlene, 8 from Len (boo!), and 10 from Bruno.

There's just time for a look at the final leaderboard: Lisa and Brendan and Rachel and Vincent are tied at the top with 75 points each, while Tom and Camilla have 67. I would think that means that since Lisa and Rachel both get three points and Tom only gets one, Tom won't actually be able to escape the dance-off. I can't say I won't be pleased if my mum is proved wrong about him winning. Recap!

That's your lot for now. Join Carrie later TONIGHT for the results show. The pros will be doing a group jive, and we'll be joined by the cast of Chicago. Until then, keeeeep dancing!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- The BBC2 continuity guy is just as much of a skeeze as Tess Daly is.
- A Strictly Latin dress goes for around £1300.
- Brian Fortuna saying the word "quid" sounds so very wrong.
- Tom thought Austin was going to be in the final. Very sensibly, he left the "with me" part of that sentence unspoken.
- Brendan didn't think Austin's salsa was worth a 10. But then arguably Tom's rumba and Lisa's jive didn't deserve nines either, so this is all academic.
- Brendan has never done the Argentine tango before. He thinks climbing over Claudia's sofa and hiding may save him from humiliation.
- MATTHEW CUTLER USED TO HAVE DARK BROWN HAIR! Possibly people who watched the beginning of series three knew this, but it was news to Steve.
- Alesha and Matthew currently hold the record for the most tens awarded with 19. The way things are going this series, they will no longer be the record holders by about 6:20pm this Saturday.
- Tom has expanded the Paso Face to cover a typical reaction to having one's makeup done.
- Matthew Cutler's brother Jason is a fashion designer. We are saying absolutely nothing.
- Len loves the hokey-cokey.
- Ian and James scrub up well.
- Rachel and Vincent are a perfect package. Seriously, EVERYONE has said this at least once now.
- Apparently in series two it was not uncommon for Len to score lower than Arlene and Bruno. Ahh, such halcyon days.
- Darren's father is called Tony Bennett. Not THAT one, though.
- Camilla is planning to pull on Tom's strength as an actor in the Argentine Tango. Yeah, good luck with that.
- Many moons ago, the tango used to be a Latin dance and the jive was a ballroom dance. Madness!
- Arlene thinks there is a danger of Tom overacting in his AT. In other news: the sky is a bit blue and the Pope is sort of Catholic.
- Gethin is slightly bemused by the concept of an underskirt.
- The word "literally" is being thrown around with almost as much abandon as it has been on The X Factor.
- From certain angles, Gethin kind of looks like John Krasinski.

Hair today, gone later today

Results show

Tx 7th December 2008

"Last night" was quarter-final night! There were tears (Tom!), tantrums (Brendan!), and tens (guess who!), and now four must become three! This! Is! Strictly Come Dancing!

Titles!

Bloody hell, the credits really take ages this series. TOO MANY DANCERS.

We welcome the celebs and their partners, and of course Bruce and Tess, who is wearing a purple version of the white lycra mini-dress she had a couple of weeks ago. Bruce welcomes us and declares that the pro dancers should get more credit - "the Italian bloke, the one with Lisa, the blonde girl, and the other one." Ha.

Tess explains the point of voting, and promises us a Vincent and Flavia Argentinian tango, like we've never seen that before; Bruce promises us Barry Manilow; Tess promises us a Brand-New dance and a Viennese waltz.

Recap. Austin and Erin were bottom of the leaderboard. He sticks his bottom lip out, and says that Craig could not have been bored because his lifts were so amazing. Sally Gunnell says Austin and Erin do not have a "relationship". Cliff Parisi admires Austin's backflip. Erin cries because she wants to reach the final. Head Judge Len says he would never have believed they'd be bottom, because Austin is a SPORTSMAN and gets tens just for turning up.

Lisa and Brendan did a beautiful waltz, and Christine Bleakley wishes she was half as good. She doesn't say that. Brendan was proud. Drink! Brendan threw a hissy-fit in the House of Tesstosterone, and Lisa's dad and sister laugh at him, as did most of the viewing public. Then Brendan quite rightly points out that the jive was an 8 if everything else that was worth an 8 is being marked as such, rather than given a 10. [I can't quite believe I'm saying this, but: word, Brendan. Although it's not as if Lisa hasn't benefited from her share of overmarking too. - Steve] Lisa adjusts her boobs.

Speaking of non-warranted 10s, Tom and Camilla got some, and then cried. Camilla feels that she let Tom down with her rumba choreography. Tom's friend reminds us that Tom has JUST GOT MARRIED.

Rachel and Vincent were this week's teachers' pets. Len wishes he had an 11. Expect him to come with a homemade paddle next week. Len has a bottle of white wine and glass of red in front of him in the judges' lair, and reminds us that Vincent is Good At Tango. Rachel's stepdad says they are like a blue-white diamond. Len concludes, "Who'd have thought we've have all four couples with marks in the 70s?" Well, me, for starters, because you KEEP GIVING OUT TENS FOR NO REASON.

Back in the studio, Bruno thinks last night we saw Tom achieving his full potential in the foxtrot. Backstage, Tom perks up and looks incredibly smug. Craig thinks the people at the bottom of the leaderboard are most in danger, but somebody has to go, and he hopes that the best couple win. Arlene says that in the semi-final they'll have the Argentine tango, which takes practice, passion and performance, and she'll be looking for perfection. Len says that it will be tough to send any couple home tonight, and he will feel sorry for whoever it is. "It LITERALLY is a tragedy that one of them have to go," he says. It's sodding not, Goodman. A tragedy is the death of an innocent person, not somebody leaving a competition as per the rules.

This week, we're going to see the hustle performed on Strictly for the first time by Brian and Kristina, to Boogie Wonderland. Kristina looks like the Genie from the lamp. It's all very shiny and discolicious, darling. Watch Warren and Kym from Dancing with the Stars hustling.



In Tess's domain, Rachel says...words; Austin is sulking and feels like a hedgehog and promises to leave his heart on the dance floor should he have to dance off. Tess asks him to leave his sleeves and get the guns out. Shut UP, Daly. Tom says...more words. Tess wishes everyone luck. Nobody cares what Lisa has to say, apparently.

The pros do a Viennese waltz. Kristina does that splits-walk thing again. There's a key change. The music stops abruptly. Lovely.

This week on It Takes Two - no big plans, apparently. [I don't get why they persist on trailing ITT in quite the way they do, given that so much of its content is based on what happens at the weekend, which they obviously do not know at the time of recording. Just have Claudia in a studio reminding us that it's on, for crying out loud. That's all you need. - Steve]

Vincent and Flavia do an Argentine tango with two other random Latin dancers. Flavia and the other lady do some weird table dancing routine. Vincent and the chap do some nice homoerotic tangoing together, intended to impress the watching laydees. I do love the Argentine tango dresses. Then the male-female couples dance together; there's a bit of partner-swapping; it finishes, everyone cheers.

Tess says it's the sexiest thing she's seen on a Sunday in ages; Austin giggles, but nobody else does. Lisa would love to learn the Argentine tango. "Arlene says it requires raw passion," says Tess. Lisa does a tiger growl at Rachel. Austin asks if he can dance with Vincent. Tess says no, but he would have to dance with no sleeves. Sue her for sexual harassment, Austin!

Here is Barry Manilow, singing Copacabana! His face looks really weird these days. Has he had a face-lift? [More than one, is my guess. - Steve] His cheeks don't move. Our pro dancers - Ian and Camilla, and Darren and Lilia, who are samba-rolling their hearts out. Why has nobody taken the possibility of literal choreography into account? [Because Brian Friedman was too busy on the other side? - Steve] Camilla's dress is really flouncy and ugly. There's an excruciating bit at the end where Manilow tries to dance with Camilla and Lilia. And then he shouts OLE! Wail, wail, wail.

What do our celebrities think about their rivals? Who cares? Oh, apparently we do. Tom says Austin's biggest strength is being a sportsman. He might be right. Austin admires Rachel's perfect scores. Rachel admires Lisa coming through the dance-off. Lisa thinks Austin is sneaky. Austin thinks Tom is likeable. Oh, I'm bored now. But suffice to say, nobody wants to leave.

Our votes have been counted, verified and added to the judges' scores, making THIS the Moment of Truth. Rachel appears to be hyperventilating. The couples who are safe - Rachel and Vincent; Tom and Camilla.

So it's the judges' bottom two to dance off - Austin and Erin v Lisa and Angry Brendan. Len's genius advice for the evening is to be proud that they have got this far, then tells Austin to stop being off time and move the hips more, and tells Lisa that the judges thought she was fantastic, though Craig may have said something-or-other, and to keep going as she was.

Then there's a weird bit where the couples go off to take their places, and Bruce says, "Just a minute, just a minute!" and tells them where they should be standing, even though they already know. Anyway, Austin and Erin dance first as Brendan glowers in the background at anyone else having the temerity to choreograph a routine to this. HAHAHAHA some of Erin's fake hair falls off, and is lying in the middle of the floor like a squashed rat. And then some more falls out! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! There is much laughter as Tess does the link into Lisa and Brendan's routine, so presumably Brendan is clearing the lost hair away. There are a few small glitches in this routine, and Brendan looks really pissed off the whole way through, but one is to hope that won't be taken into account.

Over to the judges. Craig says it is one of the best dance-offs EVER EVER EVER, and saves Lisa and Brendan. Arlene says it's the first time in HISTORY where the dance they are doing matters so much and keeps Lisa and Brendan. Lisa is about to weep. So is Brendan, it seems. Both lower their eyes to the floor. Bruno says the dance-off was so good and so close and if it was up to him, there would be a rollover. But it is not up to him, so he saves Lisa and Brendan. HA. Hooray!

Austin and Erin are out. Len would have agreed with the judges' choice, but wants to say that they've given him so much pleasure, and leads a standing ovation. Austin thanks everyone at Strictly, and Erin, and his wife, who has brought up FOUR DAUGHTERS BY HERSELF while he's been tarting around with his tits out. Erin says that she has had the best time ever with Austin. Tess urges Austin to take his shirt off some more. Fuck's sake. And then he does. FUCK'S SAKE. [Technically it's Erin who takes it off him. Austin appears to have put it back on by the time the camera cuts back to them for the final dance. - Steve] Bruce attempts to strip too. DO NOT WANT. Bruno is in hysterics.

Join us next week for the semi-final - and until then, keeeeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing!

Here come the tens again

Quarter-final
Tx 6th December 2008

That's right folks, it's quarter-final time! Last week the competition exploded, apparently. It is so emotional! It's the most closely run Strictly ever! Austin Healey is "revved up", hee. Pun probably not intended, but I laughed more than I will at any of Brucie's jokes this evening. Titles!

Here come Brucie and Tess. Whoever designed Tess's dress didn't take account of the fact that she has to do, like, three dance steps in it, because it's trailing on the floor at the back and she predictably almost trips and falls over. You wouldn't have thought it would be Bruce holding Tess up, would you? Also, I'm slightly concerned that her nipples are visible through the white fabric; either that or it has really badly placed seams.

Bruce and his glamorous assistant make a joke about the cold weather. Let's skate over that to welcome back the stars of our show: Tom and Camilla; Lisa and Brendan; Austin and Erin; Rachel and Vincent. Is it just me, or is Strictly not as much fun when everybody's doing really good dances and getting tens all the time? [It's not just you, no. - Steve] Bruce asks, "Are they humans or are they dancers?" and jokes about himself knowing who The Killers are, and then about himself not actually knowing who The Killers are. Austin and Erin are first to dance, and Bruce takes the piss out of Austin and Tom for not being macho.

Last week Austin's paso divided the judges, with Len rediscovering his 8 paddle while all the other judges gave it 10. Austin has been waiting all series to do the American smooth - "there's no point having muscles if you can't do lifts". Erin says she's hoping not to be dropped this week. Cut to footage of Austin throwing Erin around their studio. Austin confesses that there's more to lifts than just brute strength [tell Kenny Logan that - Carrie], but he doesn't know how Brendan can do lifts, with "pipecleaners coming out of his shoulders". Austin and Erin have been working hard, but it is so difficult whine whine whine. I can't imagine a visit from Matt Dawson would help, but here he is, telling Austin how to improve his arms. I'd have punched him, personally. [Which one - Austin or Matt? - Carrie] Finally, Austin tries to make out that there's any doubt that they'll get through to the final.

They're smoothing to 'The Best is Yet to Come'. Austin's arms are too straight, so he obviously ignored Matt Dawson's tips. They've left the lifts until the end, and they are predictably good - no shock there. The rest of the routine is, however, lacking in wow-factor. It's not exactly Fred and Ginge.

Bruce says this week he asked Len why he was arguing with Craig all the time, and Len said, "Look at that face, would you want to kiss and make up?" Craig raises an eyebrow at the camera and tries not to laugh, while Arlene puts a protective arm round his shoulders. Len reaches over to console him and Craig is like, "Don't touch me!" Hee. Anyway, on with the judging. Head Judge Len says he's overexcited this week (like every week), because anyone can win and anyone can go home. He thought Austin could have been a little bit more Hollywood. Bruno compares Austin to "a glider on an upward swell", and liked his arms. Craig doesn't have "that much to complain about". He thought it was smooth and had a lot of control, but it was "very safe", except for the lifts, and he was bored through the first part. He agrees with Len that there wasn't enough "Hollywood pizazz". Austin confesses that until Wednesday he didn't know what Fred Astaire looked like. Bruce interjects, "You've never watched me?" Austin retorts, "You do look very similar now that I get up close." Arlene wants to give Austin some advice - he mustn't let Erin outdance him. He played rugby for England, she wants him to dance for England. Will we be seeing him in the Eurovision Dance Contest next year then?

In the House of Tesstosterone, Austin says it's difficult to put the acting edge on the dance all the way through. Erin's a bit miffed because she didn't think it was boring. Tess reminds us that Austin isn't an Actor. The scores are in: Craig - 8, Arlene - 8, Len - 9, Bruno - 9, for a total of 34. Austin thinks they'll have to come out and blast the salsa. Tess is already salivating over the proposition of Austin getting his guns out. Leave it, Daly!

Next up, Lisa and Brendan. Tonight they'll be doing the waltz and the jive. Bruce says she asked him what the '60s were like - but she meant the waltz in the 1860s, wah-wah-waaaah. He's not doddery, etc. Lisa was thrilled with her good scores last week, and quite pleased about not being in the dance-off. The Welwyn and Hatfield Times have been running an SOS (Save Our Snowdon) campaign. Their waltz training isn't looking promising as they both go flying. Brendan says he's already proud of Lisa. Drink!

Ooh, Lisa has her acting face on. And a very pretty sky-blue dress. They're dancing to 'He was Beautiful'. In the words of Carly Simon, Brendan probably thinks this song is about him. I thought Lisa looked a bit awkward when she did the leaning back bits. It's very good, but I'm slightly bored by it. Lisa looks tearful at the end.

Bruno says Lisa's ballroom dream continues. Simple choreography is difficult to do, but it was stunning. Craig says that Bruno's absolutely right that the genius of the dance was in its simplicity and it was beautiful. Arlene thought it was "like every breath you took matched the flow of the dance and the footwork, and it was so heartwarming you could melt the snow in Scotland". Len compares Lisa SNOWDON to the mountain in Wales: "beautiful, majestic, breathtaking". He also wants to commend the singer. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Backstage, Lisa says it felt magical and Brendan agrees. The judges' scores are: Craig - 9, Arlene - 10, Len - 10, Bruno - 10, for a nearly perfect 39 out of 40. Lisa says she's going to pretend she's 5-foot to do the jive. Brendan loves her just the way she is. [But not in THAT way. Because he is ENGAGED. - Carrie]

Tom and Camilla are next on the floor. Did you know Tom GOT MARRIED a few weeks ago? I must have missed that. Bruce jokes that Tom was worried about doing the raunchy rumba, but his wife reminded him that he's an actor (sometimes I think he's forgotten too), so he said he'd act like it was his stag night. Their VT shows Tom's supporters (I suppose there had to be some somewhere) in his village back home and their reactions in the pub last week to Craig's 7 and Len's 10. Tom goes home to visit with Camilla in tow to drum up votes. His grandfather-in-law Den asks whether Camilla's heavy. Ha. Also they have done some training, I'm assuming.

Tom and Camilla are dancing the foxtrot to 'Here You Come Again' by Dolly Parton. I must admit it's very good, and has the Hollywood feel that Austin and Erin's smooth was missing. Sorry, though, I still can't stand Tom's smug face. My mum thinks he's going to win. All I can say is: not on my watch.

Craig says it's the best he's ever seen Tom dance, "full of all the stuff celeb men find difficult, the swing and sway". Arlene says, in the words of Dolly Parton, "all you gotta do is smile that smile and you'll be dancing your way into the final". I'm not sure that's exactly what Dolly said. Len says they knocked his socks off. Bruno calls them "TomCam, the golden couple". It makes it sounds like Tom has a 24-hour webcam, which I wouldn't put past him. Bruno says he had "excellent technique, executed with incredible flair".

In the House of Tesstosterone, Camilla loses the ability to speak and Tom says he was overcome by his emotions. Tess says she can see some moisture in the corner of his eye. It's sweat. Scores: Craig - 9 (boo? since when is 9 a boo-able score?), Arlene - 10, Len - 10, Bruno - 10, giving them 39, their highest score so far. Camilla is proud of Tom. Drink! Tom says the NEW WIFE has given him permission to go for it in the rumba.

The final couple to take on the ballroom is Rachel and Vincent. Bruce says that they've been getting such good scores, the level of expectation is "higher than Simon Cowell's trousers". [I think I preferred it when the jokes at least made a vague attempt at being topical. - Steve] They were in the bottom two last week, and Vincent got all emotional because he was criticised for his choreography. Good job for them that Christine and Matthew were in the bottom two with them. The choreography is giving Vincent insomnia. The tango is difficult, so they have to make sure they nail it. Rachel still has no personality. There's no comment on Vincent being a tango expert, surprisingly.

I do like Rachel's dress, which is red, sparkly and backless. They're dancing to the Eurythmics' 'Here Comes the Rain Again', which has some suitable staccato moments, and their tango has pretty much everything a tango should. There's none of that Messing Abaaaaaht which Len hates so much. The ending's a bit weird, but mainly from a musical point of view rather than a dance one.

Arlene says that the dance needs to be full of "emotion and drama, tight hold, clipped staccato moves", and as well as having all that, it was "possibly the most erotic tango she's ever seen". I'm not sure we were watching the same dance in that case. Len loved the "light and shade", and how they "took hold directly, no Messing Abaaaht" - drink! He wishes he had an 11. That's what your 10 is for, you twat. There's a brief interlude while Bruce clicks heels with Vincent. Bruno says that it's "one of the rare times when music, dance and dancer become undistinguishable". Let's gloss over the fact that (1) that's not a word, and (2) Bruno mispronunciated it. Craig commends Vincent on the choreography, which was "very classy". He thought the music was "a brave choice". However, he did notice two things - Rachel's balance was displaced on a backstep, and during the kick ball changes towards the end, she was slightly ahead. Bruno starts shouting about how he counted all the way through, and Len accuses Craig of causing global warming with all his hot air and just wanting to be the grumpy one all the time. Or, you know, wanting to be the judge who actually does his fucking job.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Tess says Rachel looked like a professional. Vincent makes excuses about Rachel losing her balance because she's got such small feet. The scores are in: Craig - 9 (boo!), Arlene - 10, Len - 10, Bruno - 10. Len has given up actually saying "ten" by this point, presumably because we're supposed to just assume that's what it is. Rachel and Vincent have broken yet another record with the highest tango score EVER.

Half-time leaderboard: everyone has 39, except for Austin and Erin at the bottom with 34.

Now for the Latin round! Austin and Erin are doing the salsa. In pink satin. VT filler: how do the judges rate Austin's chances? I can't really be bothered to recap it. I can report that Arlene definitely has a glass of wine in front of her on the judges' round table, however. Len unsurprisingly thinks that Austin's going to do a knockout salsa. Arlene thinks he needs to dance for his life.

Erin does a spin going on to the floor, which is just showing off and surely doesn't count anyway. They're dancing to the Mambo Magic music from Dirty Dancing. I bet Brendan's pissed off that someone else got to it before him. There are some Dirty Dancing moves too. There are a lot of crowdpleasing moves, but in some of the transitionary parts Austin just seems to be walking across the floor waiting for the next bit. When they finish, Austin looks like he might have a heart attack.

Len goes on about Austin being a sportsman and he loved it. Shocker. Bruno tells him that, "This performance will get you the pink pound!" Hee! Austin "lost a bit of timing in the middle", but he loved the underarm passes and the drops. Craig thought it was "very entertaining and all of that", but "some of it was a bit awkward" and he "didn't believe the hip action". Austin shakes his booty in Craig's direction to convince him. Bruce adds his own booty as a comparison. Bruno looks shocked. Or possibly turned on. With Bruno, it's hard to tell. Arlene points out that we know Austin can circle his hips, but Craig is right that the salsa hip action wasnt there. Len says he saw it on the forward and back basics, but Arlene maintains that it wasn't, and I'm sure she was watching more closely. When dancing with Erin, she thought Austin's performance was electric and masterful - and she loves a masterful man - but on his own, there's "a bit of timidity". Len starts yelling, "NE-VEER!" and looks pleased with himself. Arlene ignores it and tells Austin to be fearless all the time.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Austin says he'd feel like he let Erin down if he didn't get through. The judges' scores are in: Craig - 8 (boo!), Arlene - 9, Len - 10, Bruno - 9, for a total of 37 and a final score of 71. They'll need all the viewer votes they can get. Austin says he doesn't have the energy left to salsa again in the dance-off. Won't he have recovered by "tomorrow"? Tess says there was a problem with the graphics, and Bruno actually scored a 9. Everyone is like, WTF? Austin says he definitely saw a 10. I'm guessing that Bruno got overexcited and pressed the wrong button. Tess reiterates that they got 37, but presumably what she was actually supposed to correct was that they got 36 for their salsa, giving them a final score of 70.

Lisa and Brendan's jive is next. She mastered the Latin last week - can she do it again? More pointless VT. Craig reminisces about their "A-Ma-Zing" foxtrot. Len is impressed with Brendan's transformation from the nasty boy of ballroom. Is it just because he's getting some this series? Bruno is topping up the wine. Craig is alarmed about Lisa's jive and thinks it might be her downfall. Bruno thinks she has potential to knock his socks off. Len thinks she'll be in trouble, presumably because she isn't a sportsman.

Brendan's clearly intending to take a leaf out of Darren's book by jiving to Elton John - 'Crocodile Rock'. Lisa looks like she's struggling to keep up a bit, but her kicks are sharper than, for example, Jodie's were when she jived. [I actually thought Jodie's were sharper. Lisa's seemed very leaden. - Steve] There's a lot of basic jive. Okay, she's no Jill Halfpenny, but it wasn't as bad as everyone seemed to be expecting.

Bruno starts off, "Why did I worry? Jive is the hardest dance to master for a tall person, but you did it." Craig calls it a "brave endeavour". Lisa danced it to the best of her ability, but he didn't think it completely suited her. He commends her on a fine job. Lisa points out that she's a tall girl, because that hasn't been mentioned enough, has it? Arlene says never mind Austin; Lisa tackles everything like a rugby player. Sometimes her knees were bent when she needed to flex them, but it was a "fantastic attempt for somebody who'd never done anything like that". Len liked the way Lisa acted the dance. He was worried about her legs, but they were good. However, it was a bit loose and needed more toning throughout her body.

Backstage, Lisa is happy with the comments. She's been using the power of positive thinking to convince herself that she can do the jive. Brendan challenges the judges to do that jive and says it was "damn good". The scores are in: 8s from everyone except Bruno who prefaces his 9 with, "I liked it!" [Haha, I loved Bruno's coy little look at the camera as he said that. - Carrie] That's 33 for the jive, and 72 overall. Brendan throws a hissy fit, saying the scores are rubbish and it was better than that, and storms off, despite Lisa trying to drag him back. [Beaming at the camera all the while as she grips onto his arm with all of her might. Brilliant. - Carrie] Hooray, Bad Boy Brendan! He should have a theme song for when that happens, like Wolf in Gladiators. Tom gallantly steps in as a stand-in Brendan. [Anything to get a bit more camera time. Whore. - Steve] Tess throws back to Bruce, who misses his cue amid the chaos in the House of Tesstosterone. Someone has to shout, "You're on, Bruce!"

Tom and Camilla are next. Bruce says that despite a 10 last week, Tom hasn't managed to wow all the judges. I really think they could have reconsidered that link after he got 39 for his first dance. Arlene is impressed with Tom's hip action. Bruno calls Austin and Tom "two stallions racing for the finish line". Craig is concerned that Tom hasn't improved. Len thinks he's on a plateau and plays it too safe. Arlene thinks being an actor is a handicap because he's thinking too much about acting the dance. Tom feels a bit naked doing the rumba. Arlene offers to show him how to do it, and wants him to erupt. We are still talking about the rumba, aren't we?

I find myself rather enjoying Camilla's choreography. It's one of the more exciting rumbas I've seen. Tom still looks like he's acting Romance, with a serious face. They're dancing to 'You Needed Me'.

Craig says he has to apologise because he was wrong, there is sign of improvement. He thought it was going to be "too sharp and aggressive for the rumba", but he "fell in love with it". Bruce tells Craig he's improving all the time too, and Craig suggests that he tell Len that. Snarf. Arlene complains that there were lots of shapes and lines, forward and back basic, but not a lot of content, but first time she found her heart beating faster because the true dancer Tom is came out. Len says the rumba is "a tough dance for a man". He thought it was too hectic, had too many lines, and not enough of the basic rumba. What? That's the opposite of what Arlene said, and they can't both be right. Bruno agrees with Len and says the balance wasn't right and Tom was "a bit stiff". Arlene says it told the story and had chemistry - she saw it and we should trust her.

In the House of Tesstosterone, Tom describes it as "an interesting piece". The scores are in: Craig - 9, Arlene - 9, Len - 8, Bruno - 8. The audience are confused over the 8s, with half of them booing and half cheering. That's a total of 36, and a final score of 73.

Finally, Rachel and Vincent. They'll be doing the cha-cha-cha, and I imagine Rachel will probably be good at this.VT! Arlene says Rachel's the strongest dancer technically and everyone else is snapping at her heels. Len points out that her Latin hasn't been up to standard of her ballroom. AS we know, the cha-cha-cha is a cheeky dance and needs great hip action. Bruno says Rachel needs to "ignite the special performance level of the cha-cha-cha", whatever that means.

Vincent seems to have choreographed some personality in for Rachel. They're dancing to 'Signed, Sealed, Delivered', and they're going to get good marks again for it.

Arlene says that, "We've waited a long time, but that performance sparkled like the shine on your dress." Len tells them they've done two fantastic dances. Bruno calls Rachel "a great dancer" and Craig says it was "absolutely gorgeous". Have the judges been told to get a move on or something?

Rachel is delighted backstage. Vincent whines about having to do two fast, difficult dances, with lots of steps to remember. The scores are in: Craig - 9, Arlene - 9, Len - 9, Bruno - 10, giving them 39. Bruno's score is the only one that makes sense in light of their comments. That was weird. Anyway, that's a total of 76 for both dances.

There's just time for a quick look at the final leaderboad: Rachel and Vincent are lording it at the top with 76, Tom and Camilla have 73, Lisa and Brendan have 72, and Austin and Erin are at the bottom with 70. Will the public vote save them? A clue: yes. I'm off to vote for Lisa and Brendan. [In the absence of a vote-to-eliminate option, I voted once for everybody except Tom. - Steve] Join us tomorrow for the results, when Barry Manilow will be performing 'Copacabana'! [Expect the girlies to be fighting over who gets to be Lola in the pro dance! My money's on Ola. Vincent can be Rico, and wear a diamond. James can be Tony and protect the showgirl's honour. SO excited. - Carrie]

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Austin is astounded at the quality of the Strictly singers. So are we, Austin, so are we.
- The Strictly singers only have eight hours to rehearse on a Saturday. Not that you can tell, of course.
- Craig thinks Lisa has climbed from the "dance gutter", wherever that may be.
- Kirstie Allsopp really likes Tom. Kirstie, you were wrong about the property market and you are also wrong about this.
- The Fonz invented a new dance, the paso robles. He is working this winter with Strictly alumna Louisa Lytton. IN PANTO. IN MILTON KEYNES.
- Lilia never smiled as a child.
- Rachel's waltz was faster than Tom's. And less nauseating. Just.
- Anton doesn't know his primary colours.
- Tom's older siblings have made fun of him all his life. They sound like our kind of people.
- Rachel's fiancé is taking dance lessons for their wedding. We hope they're planning to do this:

- Craig loves carbs.
- Craig treats his boyfriend Grant a bit like a butler. That notwithstanding, Claudia loves him so much she wishes she was Grant.
- Lionel Blair thinks this is the best top four ever. Sorry, Lionel, last year's top four shits on over this one from a great height. Team Matteshthinia!
- Lisa inherited her emotional incontinence from her nan.
- The "do the professionals pick the music or does the show pick it for them?" debate rages on, with both Camilla and Erin appearing to vouch for the latter this week.
- Tom thinks that the seven Craig awarded to their waltz was "a slap in the face". We suggest he hooks up with Connie Beauchamp again so she can remind him what a real slap in the face feels like. Heck, if she's busy, we'll be happy to stand in for her.
- Eggheads needs to fucking stop overrunning every bloody day and causing Steve's PVR to cut off the end of It Takes Two.
- Denmark's version of Strictly, Vild med dans, is in a bit of a pickle because they're running out of celebrities. Though we quite love the fact that one of this year's contestants' occupation is listed as "kindergarten teacher and Prime Minister's wife".
- Tess does not keep her dresses after each show, though she has not clarified if they are burned in some kind of cleansing ritual.