The Lindy Project

Week 10: Top 7 Perform: 24 November 2018

Last week! The Blackpooliest Blackpool there ever was! Tens flying about all over the place! Celebrities dropping in from the ceiling! Prop dancers everywhere! Joe's Nan out-Nanning all the other Nans! [Not Alesha's, I will not stand for it. - Steve] And even a few legitimately great dances in the mix! Sadly, Kate's rib couldn't hold out any longer and she was sent home following a dance off with Graeme.

Tonight!

Christmas is coming, so don't forget to download and print off your Strictly wrapping paper while you can-available in your choice of couples!

You can even get a sheet comprised solely of photos of Faye which is in no way a subliminal about who tonight's shining star will be! (Spoiler: the star is actually Bruno, for the most unlikely of reasons.)

(Also: apologies for the late recap, my voice software, Dragon, wasn't working so I had to restart my computer, then it took an hour to install updates, so I had to record my update on my phone in 20-minute segments, get Dragon to transcribe them (taking 10-15 min a time) and then edit all the many, many mistakes.  Then Blogger fucked up all the formatting and I had to put all the links and emphases back in from scratch. It was. not. fun. It's taken me three times as long to do this recap as it did the week 2 show and that episode lasted for centuries.) [You absolute trouper. Your work is very much appreciated. - Steve]

We are promised the Lindy Hop-athon with the stars getting all excited about how this is the first time it has ever been done on the show. I mean, technically, yes, but the swingamajig in series 11 was effectively the same thing, so let's not exaggerate the point.

Cue credits! It really feels like Lee Ryan was on this show several eternities ago, doesn't it? Tess and Claudia enter on the arms of Aljaž and Neil. All are in black - Claudia a dress, Tess a jumpsuit. Both fairly solid looks. I guess this is the official Blackpool hangover week, so it's only right that they should be wearing the colours of mourning. We cut to the audience, with lots of people also dressed in black.

Claudia reiterates the point that this is the first ever Lindy Hop-athon (don't know if that's where I'd have put the punctuation myself, but Dragon has dictated it thus and I bow to its algorithm in such matters) [yeah, I think this is Strictly's official way of punctuating it too, but it looks wrong, doesn't it? - Steve] and I suspect it's not the last time we'll be hearing that phrase all evening, but I've already made my thoughts on that clear, so let's move on.

The judges arrive: Bruno, Darcey, Craig and Shirley. Shirley is in an amazing gown - all black with black-and-white striped ruffles on it. It's quite insane. Darcy is in red, Craig in maroon and Bruno in bright blue - did someone forget to send them the message about the Blackpool memorial?

Our Strictly stars enter: Charles and Karen; Faye and Giovanni; Stacey and Kevin; Lauren and AJ; Joe and Dianne; Graeme and Oti; Ashley and Pasha. As always, we'll get to what they're wearing later, but Charles, Kevin and Stacey are all in black and Giovanni is mostly in black, as is Dianne, if we are keeping score on who is in mourning for Blackpool. When it comes to the theme tune dancing, Kevin is the only one putting in the little kick at the end, and most of the others can't even be bothered with bopping along. I guess we are in comedown week, after all.

Tess tells us that all the couples will be hoping to impress, not once, but twice. Does this mean Steve has two-dance week next week? Given some of the absolute shite I've had to recap this series, can I dream? [Fraid not, I've got the shortest episode of the whole series. I swear I did not schedule things that way on purpose. - Steve]

On closer inspection, I think Tess's jumpsuit might be very, very dark navy.

Graeme and Oti now. Graeme talks about how last week, he loved being in Blackpool and actually enjoyed being in the dance off because it gave him the chance to demonstrate his new found love of musical theatre. The VT focuses on Graeme being tired after Blackpool and also he thinks he might win the whole show. I love his confidence even after he is one of this series' bottom two goddesses. They then go and dance on a rainy yacht deck to practice their routine where he is going to be a sailor. Given how slippy the decking looks, I'm surprised health and safety didn't nix this one immediately - unless their plan is to eliminate the bottom half of the pack through injury this year.

They are dancing the quickstep to 'Sing, Sing, Sing' a song that is not just a little bit overdone on this show. Oti looks classic Hollywood in a white dress with blue trim and Graeme like a bad Frank Sinatra stunt double in a baggy sailor suit. The dance itself is quite stumbly - after an OK start, it becomes clear that Graeme hasn't really got the precision in his footwork that's needed. And in a couple of places he outright makes very obvious mistakes, including one where he trips over his own feet, as well as getting out of sync with Oti. His performance is still fairly strong because he is quite adept at the 'if in doubt, gurn your way through' technique, but overall, this does end up looking like it might be sending him up the Swannee (h/t Steve) and ends with some pyrotechnics they found in the leftover Blackpool FX box. Also, his tan is making Artem's Rasputin job look like Tippex.

Graeme says he was having the time of his life until he nearly fell over. Tess says 'don't tell the judges'. Oh, Tess, there was no hiding that.

We welcome the singers: Hayley, Jamie, Belle (I assume she is new? Unless she's somebody like Jill who came back after years away? I'm not that up on the singers' names from earlier series before they used to introduce them properly), Tommy. Dave Arch's orchestra are feeling very wavey tonight as well. *waves back*.

Shirley says his opening was great, and although he had a couple of hiccups, he recovered from them at the end. She says it's hard dancing with two bodies together. Isn't that… kind of the point of the show? Bruno says he took us on a cruise to remember and Bruno has probably got a lot of cruising expertise, let's face it. He said he did hit some rocks in places, but his drunken sailor section was perfect. He says the quickstep had a hangover - yep, it's that week alright. Craig says it was like watching the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz - it was messy and loose. Darcey says Oti pushed him with the choreography and it was a shame he was out of sync in places and that's what happens if you don't keep consistency and focus. Unless everybody else really messes up tonight, I have a feeling he might be facing yet another dance off.

Still, as they bounce up to the Clauditorium, Kevin is cheering him on, with a 'Swanny, Swanny, Swanny'. Claudia says he said he was planning to get serious this week and asked how long it lasted. He says about 20 minutes.  Scores: six, six, six, six for a total of 24. There are boos for each of those sixes, but with diminishing returns each time.

Terms and conditions time and our special guest is Catherine Tyldesley, in a very sparkly blue dress that is a bit matronly in its fitting. This effect is compounded by the fact that Luba is at the side wearing a dress that looks to be made of similar material, but with very skimpy cut around the thighs and a great big V cut down the bosom.

In the death slot tonight? Ashley and Pasha, so get ready for the usual 'let's bring the ringers down a peg or two' storyline. We revisit last week, when she got the first 40 of the series, which was scripted in as they come, but at least was spectacular enough to justify Craig getting his ten out unlike the usual randomness that does it for him. This week, they are meeting in a tropical garden because they're doing the samba (?!).  Ashley goes 'Fun, it's all siesta hips!'. No, that's only if you're partnered with Aljaž. Ashley says she is excited about the dance because she thinks the costume and the carnival vibe will be really fun and they practice by using some huge feathers, which could be quite exciting.

They are dancing to 'Hot, Hot, Hot'.  Hey, who knew it was three-repeated-word-title theme week?  I am looking forward to classics like 'Da Da Da', 'Gimme Gimme Gimme', 'Bills Bills Bills' 'No No No' and 'Boom Boom Boom' coming up [also 'Money Money Money', 'Blah Blah Blah' and 'Bye Bye Bye' - Steve].  The dance opens with them fanning bright pink glowing feather fans, which also feel like a Blackpool leftover, not least as they are completely out of keeping with the weird colour palette of this dance: the costumes are a 'flesh'-colour, giving the odd effect of them looking naked except for a few sequins and a huge cluster of brown feathers Ashley's sprouted from her bum. The backdrop is of autumn-coloured leaves, which again adds to the slightly muted and un-samba-y feeling. And so, overall, whilst the dance demonstrates plenty of performance and pretty strong technique (other than a surprising lack of bounce), it's lacking the production values to make it really shine.  The bit with the fans at the start was a lot of fun, though.

We return to the judges to find Bruno wafting one of the fans around. He then whacks Shirley in the face with it. Bruno says, Ashley's got him - he needs a complete rewiring because she's blown all his fuses (whilst Shirley picks bits of feathers out of her teeth). Bruno praises her hips and isolations, then reaches out and almost whacks Shirley in the face again   as he gestures. Craig says he thought she went in a little too hard and the body needs to move a lot more, rather than being quite staccato, but that her performance makes up for any problems in technique. In the audience, strictly goddesses, Melvin Odoom and Laura Whitmore look on disapprovingly. Darcey says she had beautiful samba rolls at the beginning, but she would have liked a little bit more bounce and she is on Craig's side and then the audience start to boo her. Tess says she doesn't think Darcey's ever been booed before. She was booed when she gave out Graeme's score two minutes ago. Shirley says the beginning was brilliant and she agrees with Darcy and Craig a little bit (more boos), but she laughs. Ashley's personality and the way she gyrates the body. She says her knees weren't soft enough in samba and Pasha and Ashley nod along.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says it's difficult to come back from a 40 and she says that she knew Ashley didn't like one of the moves.  Ashley said she found the bachacadas difficult and she says her hips, knees and ankles are all at some kind of party and she doesn't quite know what party it is.  With that combination of fans and outfits I'm not surprised. Scores: eight, nine, nine, ten, for a total of 36. Claudia says it's a lower score than she's been used to. It's still 36, Claudia, they're already the default remaining series villains, let's not exacerbate things. She asked them about the Lindy Hop and Ashley says, 'that's a whole different kind of bouncy situation'. Heh.  Pasha says they need to work as a partnership, cover all the angles and not let anyone in their space. We would like Pasha in our [redacted].

Claudia demos Charles going from his samba face to his tango face. It does not look like this is going to be a smooth transition.

Faye and Giovanni next. We see them starting to rehearse an American Smooth but Giovanni puts his back out lifting Faye and so they decide to change the dance to the waltz. Faye says she is worried because of having to switch dances partway through, even though it's the waltz and everyone can do a passable attempt at a Lovely Waltz. Faye's parents (Dorothy and Angus) come to visit them in training and she is rehearsing in what looks like the same skirt she was wearing for her Paso training. Her parents tell her to get four tens this Saturday and keep up with the American. Or maybe not that last bit. Nothing like parental expectations, is there? I feel like this explains so much about Faye.

They are dancing to ‘See The Day’ (so maybe the theme is just three word titles) and there is lots of dry ice and mean and moody lighting, including some strings of fairy lights that are swaying so much, it looks like they might fall down and pull a Karen Clifton's Samba ribbons on them.  Faye’s wearing a red dress and the matronly style we saw on ITT has been marginally improved by a low back, and some sparkles on the top half, but the top half also seems to have been made for someone three dress sizes larger as it’s falling off her. Giovanni looks swish in traditional tails, I guess. As for the dancing itself, it's lovely, with a pivot that goes on forever and ever - although Giovanni has a slightly tight grin, suggesting his back might still be playing him up a bit. Good Lord, this series really is going to break everybody in one way or another, isn't it?

Tess says the pressure didn't show and Craig says he did love it, it was graceful and elegant with a gorgeous amount of rise and fall, and he loved the semicircle of pivots they did, which is no mean feat. Shirley says it all came together and she loved the rotation of Faye’s head, and she says Faye always has an extra quality in her dances. Shirley says she can tell that they put long hours in training and Faye looks like she's starting to cry. Shirley praises the skill in the footwork and her oversway, as well as the spectacular pivoting. She calls it exquisite and Faye’s full-on blubbing at this stage. Bruno calls it effortlessly classy and says her posture was almost regal, then goes to take Shirley in the hold and falls off his chair onto her lap. ‘Effortlessly classy’ indeed. He calls it ‘a upper class waltz’. Has he been taking grammar lessons from Darcey?

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says that even though people think the waltz looks simple, Faye found it hard this week and Faye says there's always something different to think about on every count. Giovanni is absolutely sweating buckets, by the way. Perhaps his collar is too tight. Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10, for a total of 39. I did think for a moment that Craig might be getting his 10 out given he didn't give any critiques, but perhaps a Blackpool hangover waltz is not a spectacular enough reason for him to go there. Claudia says hello to Faye’s dad Angus and says he might want four tens but three isn't bad.  Anyone get the feeling that was her speaking as Faye’s therapist there?

Joe and Dianne now, with couple's choice. Every pair that has done couple's choice is still in this series. It must be some sort of good omen? [Or some sort of MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, choose your own adventure. - Steve] It also makes couples choice the third genre after cha-cha-cha and jive that all of the couples this series have danced-obviously it's not quite the same in terms of comparison with them having three different styles. They have chosen street/commercial, making it the winner of most popular Couple’s Choice genre this series (honestly, I thought either of the other genres would be more popular with this particular set of celebrities).

Also, while we’re on the subject of everyone having done certain dances, I’ve been feeling lately that the balance this series is really off, with some dances barely being seen, and others overdone, and it’s really been bugging me. So let’s look at some Jeremy-Vine-baiting actual factual stats. Jive and Cha Cha Cha have had the most outings (13 and 12 respectively, although they’re both done now, at least until the final). Bringing up the rear? Argentine Tango with 2, both crap, so they barely count; Rumba with 3 (and not a blokerumba in sight, although I appreciate that Seann would have done one in different circumstances); and American Smooth and Charleston with 6 apiece (although Charleston would have been 5 had Seann rumbaed, and AS 7 had Faye done it this week). Also: Faye is the only remaining contestant never to have had samba or salsa, which feels a bit unfair on everyone else, although perhaps fairer on the audience who won’t have to feel the inevitable cringe of a Faye salsamba.

Anyway, back to Joe and Dianne – their dance will be set in a basketball court. Our joke leading up to this is Tess’n’Claud talking about American sports. Claudia says ‘I got to 2nd base once’. Tess: ‘what, in baseball?’ Claudia: ‘No. Blackpool. Dave Arch’. This running gag doesn’t feel at all uncomfortable given the climate of this series, does it?

In their VT, Joe says he thinks street dance is like YouTube - very subjective, which is a polite way of saying divides the old, from the young, I guess. For the first time, we see clips of his flagging career (how rude, Dragon! It’s vlogging) and we get Zoella giving an interview to CAMRA (camera but I love how Dragon thinks the other pronunciation is more likely.  Stop stereotyping me because of my northern accent, Dragon). She’s being captioned as Zoe Sugg and ‘Joe's sister and vlogger’. I wonder how it feels for her to suddenly be the least famous sibling? We see clips of various Joe videos, none of which make me want to watch his channel, sorry Joe, and him randomly meeting Prince Charles at some unspecified event. We also see Joe saying how he didn't want to give up his thatching job for a while because he wanted to fully learn the trade. In case you were worrying that this show was falling down on its responsibility to show the contestants working hard at all times. We then see two examples of internet hate for him and loads of comments praising both him and Dianne. I'm not feeling sorry for him for getting a couple of negative comments when Alexandra had to sit through what she sat through last year, so let's move on from this swiftly before the whole thing makes me mad. By the way, Alexandra and her awkward boyfriend are in the audience tonight, hooray.

The training footage for this dance looks terrible, so I'm not entirely excited about it.  And Joe with his hair in a scraped up man-bun and white headband is the least ‘street’ thing I have ever seen. It begins with Joe doodling Craig's name and a heart on it on a whiteboard – or at least some vague interpretation of a heart that has several jagged bits where a single curve would be in a normal person’s drawing. They are dancing to ‘Jump Around’ - or at least some approximation of it that is allowed pre-watershed with a massive mishmash of lyrics from all over the track being flung together and making little sense. There's also a good reason why this song is not a Strictly classic, and that's fairly evident in this routine. It's not that you can't dance to it, it's just that it's so specific in its rhythms that it only really lends itself to bouncing - and bouncing is, indeed, pretty much all this routine consists of. There's bouncing basketballs between the legs, bouncing them under the hand, bouncing around on big balls. It's all a load of balls, is what I'm saying. Occasionally, this ball work is quite impressive - but being able to balance a basketball on your finger is not quite the same as dancing.

There's a bit when they sit on the bench and copy Charles and Karen’s hanky work (with flannels), albeit much less successfully and lacking the wow factor of seeing something for the first time. I appreciate that in most genres of dance, the same moves are repeated by everyone performing them, however, if Street/commercial is meant to be such a diverse genre that encompasses all sorts of hip-hop and pop movements, why is this one, slightly obscure, technique so dominant? Given that you could go so many different places with this genre, why repeat past glories, especially within the same series? Overall, this routine suffers from many of the same problems that have beset several dances this series - it’s just a muddled mess and it's not really clear what it's trying to be. Elements of it are quite enjoyable, but large parts of it are out of sync and just ugly looking.  He is also doing an open mouth guppy face all the way through, and I thought he’d grown out of that one.  A lot of his dances have been quite impressive, but this one? Does not do it for me at all. Heck, I'd rather rewatch his samba and Lawd knows I hated that. To be fair, there's one bit that I really like where he is sitting down and Dianne cartwheels through his legs, but I'm not sure how much Joe had to do with that. Then Dianne gets tangled in streamers, as if they haven't copied Charles and Karen enough already.  And you know the worst thing?  It looks exactly like the kind of thing they do on Dancing With the Stars. [Oh god, I couldn't quite put my finger on *why* I hated this so much, but you've just absolutely nailed it, that's EXACTLY what's wrong with it. - Steve]

So, our first series of couple’s choice is over. And what do we make of it? Generally, I’m surprised at how much I enjoyed some of these routines as I was completely dreading it when it was announced.  Whilst there have been some misses, such as this one, and Lauren’s contemporary, I'd say there were more hits overall. I don't know how comparable each of the three genres is to each other and whether or not it might be better for them just to settle on one of those genres rather than keeping the category as a whole-and I definitely think there's a danger of them trying to throw in even more genres in the future to completely confuse the whole thing.  I'm still not sure, however, that this is going to be much different from show dance and I wonder if it might be interesting to jettison show dance in favour of couple’s choice in future finals? Either that, or they could do one of (or even both – everyone hates judges’ choice, after all) their missing genres in the final in lieu of show dance.  And I don’t even hate show dance that much, I just don’t need to see it twice.

Tess smiles that the orchestra have never played anything like that before. You're not kidding. They sounded about as hip-hop as Joe’s nan doing it on the karaoke.

Darcey says she is excited to have some old skool hip-hop on the Strictly dance floor. There really are layers with Darcey, aren’t there?  She says the tricks were really impressive and his agility is great and he pulled off the physical work effortlessly. He could have used weight on his thighs a little bit more. Sounds kinky. Shirley says she absolutely loved it and says ‘whoever choreographed it, congratulations’. We've given up naming the guest choreographers, now, have we? [It was Christopher Scott, and tbh I'm wondering if he asked to have his name taken off it. - Steve] Shirley then goes on about ‘all the balls’ in the manner of Nicole Scherzinger. Leave her gimmick alone, Shirley, you've already got chicken. In the audience, Laura Whitmore and Melvin look pissed off that this kind of nonsense is what passes for favourite to win these days. Bruno tells Joe to give him five so we're moving on from him being an infant to him being a toddler. Maybe next week he’ll progress to playing peek-a-boo. Bruno says it was really demanding and that Joe is a true born performer, which goes beyond dancing. Yes, lots of that routine certainly was beyond dancing Bruno, I agree. Craig says it looked a bit too concentrated and he could see the cogs going round in Joe's head as he was thinking about what he needed to do. He said they went out of sync and lots of occasions and it needed a lot more earth and a lot more homeboy attitude. Somehow, I think homeboy attitude and Joe Sugg should never be in the same sentence. Unless we are interpreting the term homeboy loosely enough to mean boy from a lovely country middle-class home.

In the auditorium, everyone is jumping and fist pumping and shouting the jump, jump, refrain from the track. Or possibly ‘Joe Joe’, they weren’t enunciating clearly enough for me to tell. Scores: 7, 8, 10, 10 for a total of 35. I'm with Craig on that one. And how the hell that could ten when Charles and Karen's only got nine, oh the joys of late series’ score inflation for the favourites to justify them making the final.

In the background, Janette makes an okay sign and Graziano copies her. First he was the new Gleb, now the new Janette. Get your own personality, Graziano. Please. Especially if you come back next year and we have to force ourselves to get interested in you.

Charles and Karen now. Tess asks Bruno if Charles is peaking at just the right time.Yes, in the scripted order of things I would say he probably is at exactly the right point now where he’s just passed his peak and can be disposed of when he makes yet another dance-off appearance against Faye or Ashley.

The VT features Karen saying that she got her first tens ever and it was great, ‘after all that we've been through’ and I feel that she wasn't so much referring to Chucky's many dance offs here, as the years of Dave Myers, Nicky and his no-no, Will’s mystery exit, Jeremy Frigging Vine etc. The rest of their VT training is a complete downer. Charles is struggling with the tango right up to the point where it goes badly in every rehearsal, including the dress rehearsal and he grimaces that he hopes it goes well on the night. This hangover is hitting hard.

They are dancing to ‘Eleanor Rigby’ and Karen is sporting the blackest eye make-up in the world, and is dressed in a green frock with lines that perfectly accentuate her butt, in the strongest female pro distraction since Oti in Graeme's salsa. I suppose it’s equal opportunities given all the many series where the male pro derrières have been pulling focus that we now have the female pros being costumed in the same way. Charles is in black velvet which kind of hides his physique as well, and if these costume choices were deliberate, it's working because all I can think about is ‘dear God, Karen’s booty looks mahoosive, where did that come from?’ It’s front and centre. Nearly all the time. Which goes some way, but not enough, to mask the problems here.  Charles’ faces are terrible and his physique never really demonstrates much in the way of power. There is even a spin where he almost looks like he's giving up, and it’s a bit plodding and out of time with an air of ‘ugh, I don’t wanna dance this’ about the whole thing. Still, there's a spectacular twizzle at the end before he falls on the ground, so that's something. He gets up and apologises to Karen immediately and she says ‘it’s OK’. 

Shirley says there were elements that were strong and he had some lovely postural positions, it just wasn't continuous all the way through. She says he started off well with some promenade links, but he needed to concentrate more on the music and he still needs to learn timing. Is this the first case of a black performer who doesn't have NATURAL RHYTHM? Bruno says tango is a soap opera and grabs Shirley and pushes her over to Darcey to demonstrate. Shirley is going to need to be dressed as the Michelin Man next week or I think she’ll end up on the long list of S16 casualties. Bruno says what Shirley said is right, the tango isn’t all staccato, sometimes you have to glide through different movements and demonstrate more light and shade. Craig said it lacked some drive across the floor and his leading was okay, but his feet were turned in and his thumb started brilliantly but he gave up the technique partway through. However, he thinks Charles is really exciting to watch. Darcey says she loves a serious dramatic side to him and that there were a lot of difficult technical things in there but there were some timing problems, although she liked it a lot overall.

Karen looks completely defeated, bless. I have a weird soft spot for her, mainly because she’s had such a rum draw of partners compared to some people, naming no names, AJ, Giovanni, Kevin. In the Clauditorium, Charles says this is the trickiest dance he’s had to do so far in the competition and Claudia says the judges are being quite pernickety and Charles says ‘they’re being very "fernickety"’, whatever that means. Scores: six, eight, eight, eight for a total of 30.

The penultimate couple, then, are Lauren and AJ. In their VT, Lauren says being bottom of the leaderboard meant that she felt she let AJ down. I always feel a bit sad when the celebrities say that, it's not like it's entirely their fault usually. Their VT features them in a pool hall, because that's where the dance will be set, and she beats him at pool although it didn't look like they were playing by the correct rules. They are dancing the salsa, but there's no mention of Lauren allegedly being a salsa teacher. If it's true that she is/was, I'm kind of surprised they gave them this dance rather than skipping it due to it, potentially, looking like she has an unfair advantage. Or, conversely, if she fucks it up, won’t that discourage people from going to her classes?

They are dancing to ‘Familiar’ and I love how she gets recent pop hits whilst Joe gets 90s classics that none of his audience will know. She is in sparkly silver top with a purple and multi-coloured layer skirt that isn't too bad compared to some of the outfits tonight. They spend a lot of time dancing on a pool table before hitting the floor and they probably should have stayed up there, because as they get down, you can see real issues in the routine. Lauren looks fairly awkward and the fact that she is taller than him possibly isn't helping matters. Overall, it's quite clumpy and ugly looking and her hips aren't doing a lot of work. Although her bum does have a good wiggle in it. It then ends with a very awkward talking-her-through-his-legs move. Oof.

Darcey pauses for ages before giving her opinion and then says the choreography was intricate and complex, and that their first lift was nice, but when they started turning it got messy. Needs to soften her knees to have a better chance but it wasn't bad. Shirley says it wasn't her best number and her feet seemed to be sliding around all the time. Lauren's face is quite the picture of aggression right now. Bruno says you can't be too shy with the salsa when you have to really push your hips and you can't be hesitant, but need to sell it with every part of your body, not just hit your steps. Craig says it was rather lacklustre and the foot placement was haphazard with pigeon toes at times.

In case you haven't got the message: Lauren, Graeme and Charles are all dispensable at this stage, please vote accordingly.

In the auditorium, Lauren says she still enjoyed it. Scores: five, six, six, six for a total of 23. Lauren begins with a face that makes Pissy Gorka look magnanimous and ends looking as though she's about to burst into tears. In the background, Luba looks so awkward about not knowing what kind of face to pull. Give the girl a celebrity. She'll soon learn where she falls in terms of reaction personality.

That means closing the show out are Stacey and Kevin. Kevin must be really feeling the ignominy of being relegated from his frequent Blackpool Paso prime position to having to do it in hangover week. Although I'd be punishing him for that thing he did last year as well, if I were the producers. In the VT, we see Stacey's hair looking a ratty mess-as we learned on ITT, she hasn't washed it since last week, which is a bit grim, Dooley. Also, Kevin told Stacey the other day that he was really ‘laddy’ and Stacey laughs uproariously at this idea as well she might.

They are dancing to ‘Malaguena’. Her eye make-up is almost as dark as Karen's, and her lips are washed out, when they could do with a vampy shade to make her look less like a ghost. Kevin’s also feeling the wrath of whichever of Lisa’s minions is on a war with men in eyeliner this series. And he’s been tanned by whoever does Graeme’s. Stacey’s hair has been pulled back into a slick pony with a really weird stretch of long black fabric along it that makes it literally look like a horse's tail. As for the dance itself, there aren't very many gimmicks here and the lighting is just black and red, which actually makes it kind of hard to see their black outfits in places. It's not bad - were this any other pro dancer, it would be a perfectly adequate Paso, but (other than last year) I have come to expect a lot more from Kevin than we’re getting here. It could do with a few more gimmicks in the theming rather than the odd weird gimmick in the dancing where they are over-exaggerating some of the movements in quite a comedic way, even though it's a very serious theme. As for Stacey, she hasn't quite got the hang of Paso face, grimacing or making comedic exaggerated looks rather than looking sultry and moody and it's all a bit gawky. It's not terrible, and she clearly has loads of energy and ability, it's just not my favourite.

The audience love it though, and Shirley and Bruno are both on their feet. Craig says it was economical, styled out and Kevin made Stacey look absolutely amazing. I don't know if that's just shading Kevin's dancing, or what. Darcy said she liked that Stacey was eating up the dance floor - if that means the same thing as chewing the scenery, yes. Shirley can really see that Kevin has challenged her. Bruno says what he found unbelievably impressive is how she captured the purity of style and feel of the dance and it was fantastically choreographed.

In the Clauditorium, everyone's in the Lindy Hop gear and Giovanni is wearing a flat cap. How very Yorkshire.  Kevin says that after they got a 4 in their cha cha cha, Stacey's been demanding to do more hours in training and he really didn't think the seven in Blackpool was fair so they increased the hours again. Scores: 9, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 39. Look, I like Stacey and Joe, and I get that they’re the designated journey contestants and likely winners. I’ve even voted for Stacey a few times.  But in the words of the most important poem of our generation, what the effing crap?  It does feel very much like, for the front runners, they're scoring them according to where the script says they should be at this stage rather than the actual dancing, doesn't it?

Leaderboard time!

1=. Faye and Giovanni - 39
1=. Stacey and Kevin - 39
3. Ashley and Pasha - 36
4. Joe and Diane - 35
5. Charles and Karen - 30
6. Graeme and Oti - 24
7. Lauren and AJ - 23

Claudia introduces her next link with ‘Now. There's been a lot of debate this week about Brexit and our future within the European Union…’ And Faye’s face of ‘Oh my God we aren’t really going to talk about this, are we?’ is a pure delight. Faye. Look at what show you are on. Wow, imagine if she was forced to say whether or not she was leave or remain, and thus make herself an enemy of around 50% of the people? I legitimately think she would break into a thousand pieces. Which would be less competition for Ashley in the battle for which ringer will end up in an indeterminate second or third place.

‘No’, says Claudia, ‘the more pressing question is, what is a Lindy Hop-athon?’ Graziano, Amy, Johannes and Katya demonstrate the dancing whilst Shirley says Lindy Hop is a fusion of different styles, mainly jazz, tap and Charleston. It's unpredictable and hugely entertaining. (And technically Stacey and Faye should be at a slight disadvantage as neither have Charlestoned yet). The starting positions will be drawn out of a hat, and instead of some previous years, everyone's going to dance throughout the whole thing. Lifts and tricks are allowed, any couples that cause a collision will be penalised. I really hope this happens, not only for entertainment value, but because I want to see the judges trying to figure out how penalising would actually work.  Especially if Faye, Joe or Ashley cause the collisions. They want to see everyone demonstrating correct technique and shall be particularly looking for precise footwork, sharp edges and clean connections, even though they’ll only really be able to see the two couples closest to them as they’re all having to dance in a small zone of the dance floor each rather than moving around the whole thing. The couples will receive scores from between seven and one and this will have minimal impact on the leaderboard. Indeed, the couples will probably be ranked exactly as you’d expect and everyone on the internet will grumble about the rigging. Hooray for annual tradition! (Also, next year, I want a rumbathon, can we make this happen? Just for the hilarity of how crap it’ll be?) [I will support you on this in any way I can. - Steve]

Craig advises not to crash into each other-floor craft is important, especially as this is a wild dance, but they need to watch out that their legs don't hit people's heads while throwing each other around. This is to be bold, brave, sparkle and shine, and Bruno does a load of jazz hands. Craig says ‘Channel Bruno’, which seems in direct contradiction of his order not to whack the other contestants about.

They’re dancing to ‘Do Your Thing’, and each couple has its own colour coding trims with a white base outfit. Basically they look like the Lindy Hop versions of Bake off Crème de la Crème/The Professionals/whatever its next title will be. Ashley and Pasha are in green; Lauren and AJ in purple; Fay and Giovanni in yellow; Graeme and Oti in red; Charles and Karen in pink; Dianne and Joe in blue and Kevin and Stacey in… grey? Someone was stone cold last when they picked colours out of the button bag, weren't they? (Yeah, I'm still marathoning Project Runway, I'm at s11 e2 and I can already tell it's going to be downhill from here onwards...)

It's interesting to see who is and isn't trying from what little glimpses we get of each pair. Ashley is going full throttle from the start; Graeme and Joe are basically relying on Oti and Dianne to pull all the focus; Fay and Giovanni are trying really hard in her top of the class kind of way, but, as with her jive, she doesn't quite excel in the way she does in ballroom; Kevin and Stacey basically give up and he spends most of the dance carrying her around on his back and running around like kids in the playground; Lauren and AJ are a lumpy mess and can’t be arsed; Charles is trying to put a bit of hip-hop into it, but it doesn't really matter what he does because the camera barely picks up on him at all. Basically, this is unlikely to trouble the status quo much, and the only real concerns are whether Lauren or Graeme will be bottom and where Joe, Stacey and Charles will fall in the middle.

Bruno says it was exciting because it was the first time we've seen them all dancing at the same time. No. I point to the launch show, Blackpool and several other group routines. He said they all had style and energy. Nobody crashed into one another and they carried on beautifully imbuing the dance with their own personalities. Darcey looks a little worried and tries to talk to Shirley as we cut to Tess and Claudia. We go back to the judges and Shirley says ‘they gave an amazing performance’ whilst her eyes are clearly distracted by something else.

Now, you would think this would be comparatively easy for the judges to rank - indeed, that they might have already had a ranking in mind before the dancing started, where we being cynical about these things. However…

Shirley says ‘me and my fellow adjudicators’… as Darcey holds up a tablet that seems to be broken, leading Bruno to stand up and lean over, trying to figure out what's going on and Craig to ruffle around for a piece of paper to shove at Darcey and Shirley. Apparently the board, i.e., the tablet, is broken and so Shirley says ‘in seven points, we have Ashley and Pasha’ and they cheer and Tess says ‘well done’ and then there's some incoherent mumbling from everyone, and no-one takes control, not Tess, not Claudia, not whoever is working the earpieces and autocues and cameras. And then somebody says ‘seven… Lauren’ and Ashley and Pasha, who are on camera for winning, try not to completely corpse at the madness. Bruno apologises and says the board went down.

Claudia finally asks who was in seventh place, but seeing as we know who won, maybe they should stick with doing the scores the other way round for some pretend jeopardy?  Anyway, there is some more fumbling around before we learn that seventh place is Lauren and AJ, who just looked relieved that they might actually get off the stage eventually. Sixth: Graeme and Oti; fifth Charles and ‘Dianne’. As if she wasn’t Single White Female-ing Karen enough with that routine earlier. (I think Shirley might have been thinking of ‘Charles and Diana’ to be fair. She seems the type.) Fourth place are Stacey and Kevin-I love how they can get fourth place after pissing about the whole time - with Joe and Dianne in third place, Faye and Giovanni in second place and Ashley and Pasha in first place even though we already knew this.

Shirley says she's just reading off the board, don't blame her if things are going wrong. The music of confirmation plays and then Claudia interrupts and says ‘no, I'm sorry. We need to check all of that, again, let's recap. In seventh place is Graeme?’  The judges all go ‘no?’ and Bruno, yes, BRUNO, takes over and reads all the judges’ results again in an authoritarian voice. Craig just falls apart, looking embarrassed the whole time. Everybody composed themselves really well there, didn't they? And this is the post-Brucie era. Lauren and AJ laugh at how over them the show seems to be at this point and I quite like the thought that she is going to go full-on into don’t care anymore mode because I think that might make her a lot more fun to watch.

Eventually we go back to the judges and Darcey says that Pasha and Ashley's dance was full of technique, energy and ability with extraordinary lifts, but the judges just keep laughing because there’s not much point in doing anything but cutting to the recap right now. Bruno waves the broken tablet around, but it's not really clear what it shows. And we see a renewed version of the leaderboard:

1. Fay and Giovanni 39+6 = 45
2=. Stacey and Kevin 39=4=43
2=. Ashley and Pasha 36+7= 43
4. Joe and Diane 35+5 = 40
5. Charles and Karen 30+2 = 33
6. Graeme and Oti 24+2=26
7. Lauren and AJ 23+1=24

That means Stacey and Ashley are both tied for second place, which could have implications for one of them (I'm thinking most likely Ashley) to have a leaderboard plunge, even if the show was trying to make clear that Charles, Graeme and Lauren are all dispensable at this point. Are we going to see Charles and Graeme having the dance off to end all dance offs?

Vote opening time and Claudia says ‘judges will you help us after everything you've been through tonight - everything we've all been through. If you’re at home, have a drink, my goodness’. I mean, it's not quite Olly Murs sending home the wrong person on the X Factor or the Oscar going to LaLa-Moonlight, but it's still pretty funny as slip-ups go. The judges hold up panels reading O P E and N and manage to get them in the correct order, whilst everybody just falls about laughing and waiting for the cameras to hurry up and turn off. Eventually they collapse in gratitude as the recap rolls.

That done, Tess and Claudia try to do the usual sign off, but keep breaking out laughing in between lines and we cut to the couples and Oti is completely pissing herself at the whole thing. Who knew that would be the thing that broke her?

Tomorrow! Someone’s going home! And Rod Stewart is here for his annual album plug! The guest performer list is basically the same every year these days isn’t it? Please tell me we’re at least going to be spared BoeBalls? Anyway, assuming they can pull themselves together enough to film a results show, join me tomorrow to see how it all pans out!