Footballer's coming home

Week 5: Top 12 Results - 20 October 2019

We open with that much-anticipated Fashion! routine, with Kevin and AJ as red carpet correspondents who apparently have to be paid Equity rates if they speak, so they're just miming conversation with each other, and yes, it looks weird. Anton strides out in that horrible gold and black jacket they always make him wear when they're trying to make it look like he hasn't got a solid decade on everyone else in the roster, and the band strike up David Bowie's 'Fame'. The judges walk down the red carpet, followed by Aljaž and Janette as a pair of fashionista movie stars, and Aljaž is in leather trousers, just in case the double denim from last week wasn't your thing. Following them, Luba in a Ruth Langsford Memorial Wig playing Anna Wintour, with Amy as her anxious Plain Jane assistant. Luba is absolutely rocking this look by the way, truly gone too soon. Nadiya struts out as a scantily dressed model and offloads her luggage onto poor Amy, while Karen leans into her inner butch once again to come out with a top hat/tuxedo/cane combo and ... guys, I think I really fancy Karen Hauer this year? It's very disconcerting. [Honestly I have never been so invested in her as I have this year, what an unexpected butch glow-up - Rad] After her comes the star of the show: Johannes, in leather trousers and heels, vogueing with a hand-fan that says "POSE" on it (season two coming to BBC2 next Saturday!). Graziano, Gorka and Giovanni then turn up in matching suits, and I've fanoned them into a popera group called 3G. Nancy, Dianne and Katya arrive as fans desperate for selfies, and then Oti full-on lies on the red carpet with her leg over her head and narrowly avoids one or both of her titties escaping her dress. I guess whatever money they saved on Amy and Nadiya's outfits from the main show went into supportive undergarments for Oti in this number, and I'd say it was money well spent.

The song then changes to Blondie's 'Rapture', and Amy gets to suddenly discover her inner sex kitten by grinding down with AJ and Kevin, which of course results in the removal of her glasses. Honestly, Kevin Clifton did not turn up on It Takes Two for the last six years doing all he could to make glasses sexy only to be done dirty like this. Johannes returns with two more leather-clad fan-waving fashionistas, and honestly can we just make Johannes the executive producer of this show already? Or the creative director? What a star. Everyone strides back out as the music switches back to 'Fame' and Johannes does a couple of high kicks before the judges appear waving fans that say "SHADE" (Craig), "YASSS" (Motsi), "Flawless" (Shirley) and "EXTRA" (Alfonso). I wonder why Shirley's is the only one not in capslock? [I bet it didn't fit on the fan in the font size they were using - Rad]

Tess and Claudia turn out, Claudia back in black this time (but with lots of silver sequins) and Tess in some sort of puffy metallic corduroy thing? It sort of works though? Or maybe I'm just still on a high from that pro routine, who can say. Tess reminds us that we had tears of joy, laughter and "inspiration" on Saturday night (guess who that last one refers to, go on, guess).

Before we get to any new content, we're all over the behind-the-scenes recap of last night: Will's wearing a nice jumper, The Viscountess gushes that it's a "dream come true" to have Alfonso in the building, Michelle asks Alex if she can handle two Americans this week, Saffron's excited to be closing the show, David loves his routine and is starting to get excited (oh well), Chris is "on shuffle, emotionally), Kelvin wants to make it to Hallowe'en, Karim promises tricks, Mike admires his sequinned shirt, Emma loves her giant ponytail, Alfonso has no idea what's about to happen. Cheryl ("singer and TV personality") gives a quick interview saying that everyone puts in so much work on this show. Michelle loved her rumba and had a lot of fun. Catherine's husband can see she's having the time of her life. David thinks the jive was the most enjoyable dance ever - and then that (the judges) is what happened. Emma enjoyed her paso, even if the judges didn't. Katya is very proud of Mike. Chris didn't feel as nervous this week. Alex is still shaking. Will calls his contempowaft one of the most special moments of his life. The Viscountess is still a bit teary. Karim does some puppy play. Saffron never thought she would get a 10, and now she's got two.

It's Cue Cards Of Doom o'clock, that's what it is. Safe and through to Hallowe'en week are: Will and Janette, Saffron and AJ, and The Viscountess and Aljaž. The first couple in the dance-off is... Mike and Katya. Wow, guess it turns out that the general public aren't that keen on people transparently toadying to the guest judge. Mike jokingly asks if he can swap places with Alfonso this time, and says that he's very happy to dance that routine again. Well I'm glad someone's going to get some enjoyment out of it, because I barely managed to sit through it the first time. Tess asks Motsi for some pointers, and she tells him to give "more" - more posture, more energy, etc.

Claudia is with the first three safe couples, and Will says he never thought he'd make it so far, but Janette has carried him through. Claudia comments on how close he and Janette are, and Will jokes that he doesn't let Janette speak to other people. At least I hope he's joking. Saffron says again that she never expected to get a 10, and to top the leaderboard is beyond her wildest dreams. She says that making it to Hallowe'en week was her goal, so now she'll have to set a new goal. Plus she's got a jive, which was the dance she really wanted to do. So much for "I'm a ballroom girl at heart", then. The Viscountess is very happy not to be in the dance-off and says she's very thankful for the votes that have allowed her to keep dancing.

And now back to Tess for more Cue Cards. This seems like a very oddly structured show tonight, doesn't it? Anyway, safe and dancing again next week are: Alex and Neil, Karim and Amy, Michelle and Giovanni, and Kelvin and Oti. Everyone else remaining is going to have to wait a little bit later to see who's joining Mike in the dance-off. [I am over this three sets of cue cards nonsense.  Get it down to two already - Rad]

Tess turns to the judges, and Craig says that it was a really good night, particularly for the girls, with people like Saffron surging to the top of the pack, The Viscountess finally getting her shoulders down and doing a beautiful Viennese waltz, and Alex surprising everyone with that charleston.

Claudia's with the next four couples (and also still with Saffron, Aljaž and the Viscountess, but not with Janette, Will or AJ, which seems a bit strange), and reveals that Karim has a Stranger Things-themed tango for next week [edit - apparently I misheard this, because he is in fact doing a paso. My apologies!]. Karim says he's very excited about that, especially since he's going to be able to grow his beard back for it, apparently. If Amy lets him. Alex says that she can't believe she gets to dance every week, and she's got Couple's Choice next week, though which specific genre thereof has not been specified. Michelle confirms that she's going to be Morticia Addams next week [Well, given how predictable this show is, it was always going to be either that or Bride of Frankenstein, wasn't it? - Rad], and says that she was shocked to not be in the dance-off, and she's thrilled to still be here because it's the most exciting thing she's done in her life. Claudia tees Kelvin up for a story about how he's the superstitious one, but the story is: "I always eat at the same breakfast table on Saturday but this week I came down and Will was in my seat, and I told him that this meant he was going to have a good week this week." Maybe you had to be there?

Now over to Mabel singing 'Don't Call Me Up', and I had no idea that she's Neneh Cherry's daughter but I can totally see it now I've had it pointed out to me. Anyway, the sound levels are a bit off for the performance, but the song is a banger so it doesn't matter too much. And we get some fun accompaniment from Gorka, Dianne, AJ and Nancy. (Apparently this was pre-recorded several weeks ago, I heard from various audience attendees on Twitter.) [Not surprising - I think this song's been out for ages.  But at least it's someone contemporary rather than Keith bloody Urban and that noise Harry Connick Jr made - Rad]

After she's finished (several weeks after she's finished, technically) the judges join Claudia for Dance Debrief, and Motsi gets a chance to actually articulate how she felt about Will's dance having not quite been able to do so in the heat of the moment: she says it transcends dancing, and she felt inspired by Will. She adds that she's a new mum, and watching that reminded her that we all just need to keep on going, whatever we do. Shirley wants to talk about The Viscountess's "beyond miraculous" recovery, now that she has a strong core, fluidity in her arms, and a wonderful connection with her partner. Craig comments on the improvement in Alex and says that she's obviously channeling her football self here - and also the charleston suits her because she's compact, and she had the swivel action down. Alfonso says that Saffron's skill was in her excellent timing, over slow-motion footage that shows her not really being quite in sync with AJ. Well, that's unfortunate. Claudia winds it up by saying that one dance dominated on Saturday night, which was of course Mike's "samba", except...we all know people weren't voting for it, so this feels a bit belated.  [Also... did it?  Did it really? - Rad]

After our regular reminder that Strictly is also available on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, MySpace, Bebo, Nokia N-Gage and certain models of Kenwood toasters, it's over back to Tess and the final reveal of who's safe, and who's dancing again. Catherine and Johannes are safe, as are Emma and Anton. (Emma appears to sign "thank you" in BSL, which is a lovely touch.) So that pits Chris and Karen against David and Nadiya for the other spot in the dance-off, and Chris's face is going in all directions, but it is of course David and Nadiya who have to dance again. (Chris also does "thank you" in BSL, I'm liking this trend.)

David tells Tess that he enjoyed this routine and didn't want to be here again. Shirley advises him to not make any mistakes in the dance-off, which I'm sure David finds very useful. Alfonso advises David to have fun and let it all out, but doesn't make him scream again, thankfully.

Claudia is with everyone, and Emma reveals Anton has promised to take her out for afternoon tea for getting this far. Chris has got the samba next week, and his son Robin is turning four. Catherine and Johannes are grateful to be through, and show us their sassy warm-up that they do in training. Then we get a trailer for Hallowe'en week, in which everyone talks about how much they want to get caked in eight feet of make-up that they can't even see out of.

Then it's dance-off time and David and Nadiya do their jive again, and he's giving it a bit more energy this time, but he does still fluff his footwork in a few places. By the end I think he knows he's messed up enough that getting saved seems unlikely, and you can read it on his face. Then we're forced to endure Mike's samba again, and honestly I feel like we should all get some sort of licence fee rebate for having to sit through this twice. Mike seems like a nice enough guy and I genuinely don't know who's the worst dancer out of him and David, but honestly after sitting through this amount of Katyaography again I'd be inclined to send Mike home and keep David. [DITTO.  I mean I can see why they thought Mike would be funny at Halloween given they still think he's the Komedy Kontestant but surely David was made for Lurch or Frankenstein's Monster and would have actually been funnier than whatever Mike and Katya are doing - Rad]

But of course, it's not up to me: Craig thinks they were pretty much "technically equal" (lol), but he's saving the most confident performers: Mike and Katya. Motsi felt that one couple gave a better perfomance than she saw on Saturday night, so she votes to save Mike and Katya. Alfonso says that he's going to save the couple who put on a great show even if the technique wasn't there: Mike and Katya. (He also adds that they "put on a showstopper for the audience to love", and I'd suggest that being here in the dance-off means they didn't quite succeed in that endeavour.) Shirley agrees, and would have saved Mike and Katya.

David and Nadiya head over to Tess, and David says he's had a great time, and he's had the best partner so he feels bad for letting Nadiya down. (Lol she was second boot last year hon, don't sweat it.) Nadiya says that on the first day David couldn't keep his elbows up, and now he's done such an amazing jive, so she's very proud of him. Asked for any highlights, David says that having Nadiya as a partner was the main one, and meeting the rest of the cast.

David and Nadiya take to the floor for their exit dance to 'Don't You Forget About Me', which now always makes me think of Bob's Burgers, so forgive me if I'm not treating this moment with the appropriate reverence. I will miss David's lovely hair and his deadpan sense of humour, even if I won't necessarily miss his dancing.

Reactions: David thinks Nadiya is an amazing woman, Alex is going to miss her teammate, Kelvin thinks David improved so much last week, and Catherine and Johannes agree that he and Nadiya were "fighters". Mike and Katya vow to work hard next week, Will echoes that this was one of the most special moments of his life, Saffron isn't sure how she's going to top this week, Michelle and Giovanni start preparing their Addams Family clicks, The Viscountess can't believe she's made it to Hallowe'en, Chris doesn't normally dress up for Hallowe'en but is looking forward to doing it this year, Emma and Anton will be doing a tango, and Amy drags Karim off to start training right now.

Next week: the return of Bruno, Hallowe'en, and a performance from Adam Lambert. Rad gets to recap the madness, I get to watch from a safe distance.