(Bru)No, No, No

Week 10: Top 6 Perform - 23 November 2019

Last week! BLACKPOOLMANIA saw a liberal splashing around of high scores to the point where even Anton got his first ever 10s (also Emma but no-one cared about that). Michelle vogued – or, more accurately, vagued, and was sent packing in what might have been a SHOCK! BOOT! had you been told about it without actually seeing the episode. [Or being aware that she'd done a full leaderboard plummet the week before - Steve] Tonight! The most boring pre-credits VT of the series as everyone goes ‘ooh, there are only 6 of us left!’ Welcome to Blackpool Hangover week!

Cue credits!  Looking at David’s flower-patterned suit makes me wonder why we almost never see patterned fabric in the outfits on this show. 

We open with our much anticipated Bruno singing moment – he’s singing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ and he sings (not especially well) in a ridiculously thick Italian accent and it would all be very third-choice X Factor Komedy Kontestant Kringe were it not for the fact the whole thing breaks the campometer – the pros (minus those left in the competition) are in neon pink and orange, there are so many feathered fans it’s like every night of Kylie’s Showgirl tour is happening at once, there are pink top hats, there are capes with letters spelling ‘I LOVE U BABY’ stapled inside, there’s Graziano and Johannes flirting some more to annoy Disgruntled of Tumbridge Wells, there’s one point where the men get confused as to which way they’re dancing and they crash into each other. Would I buy a Bruno album? Nope. Do I prefer that to the times Brucie and/or Anton sang? You betcha. Was everyone high when they decided to make this happen? It involved Trent and Bruno so I think we all know the answer to that.

Tess and Claudia enter, accompanied by Johannes and Graziano, to further ‘in your face’ it to those people who complained about them dancing together (although I wish the papers would stop writing ‘first same-sex dance’ every time one happens, not only because it’s factually inaccurate, but because it reinforces the idea that it’s something ‘risky’). [WORD. - Steve] Dresswatch: Claudia’s in black sequins, and Tess is in a rose gold holographic catsuit – it’s a bold choice and I love it but then gaudy Christmas wrapping paper is an aesthetic I am always on board with and your tastes may vary.

The judges arrive: Craig (doing some Charlestoning), Motsi (in an amazing weave, wearing a lip ring. Motsi’s comments may be a bit underwhelming for me but her looks rarely disappoint), Shirley and Bruno, who bows so much he misses the end pose this time. Is this a ‘bit’ they’re doing now?  Because it’s going to get old very fast.

Then it’s time for our Strictly stars: Emma and Anton; Chris and Karen; Saffron and AJ; Alex and Neil; Karim and Amy; Kelvin and Oti. My my there are quite the outfit and hairstyle choices going on tonight, it reads very much ‘scraps bin’ rather than ‘Blackpool bling’.

Saffron and AJ

Last week they were in the dance-off, and this week their samba looks rubbish, so to give Saffron a boost, they bus in a few of her followers (and then put them in a massive hall so it looks like her fanbase is tiny, ouch). It’s a super boring VT, and it doesn't look like the followers made the dance any better so let's see if they've improved it since they filmed this blah waste of three minutes. [I quite liked this just because it was so hilariously awkward. It was like those meet-and-greets with Avril Lavigne where no one was allowed to touch her for the pictures. - Steve]

Their samba is done to a very slowed down calypso take on ‘Walking on Sunshine’ and I take back my earlier comment about patterned fabric, because AJ is in some awful tie dye shirt with his buttons half undone that looks like your sleazy uncle’s holiday attire. For Saffron’s dress, it looks like Vicky Gill and her minions took the Big Bird corpse jacket Baga Chipz has been wearing on Drag Race UK, dip dyed it in pink and orange, threw some rhinestones at it and ran for cover. As for the dance itself, AJ’s run of underwhelming sambas continues and I don’t know that this will do much for keeping them out of the bottom two. It all looks incredibly forced, and AJ is shoving her arms into position to the point where it looks almost violent. She is grimacing throughout, and her body feels tense rather than having the fluidity you need for this dance. [And worse than all of that, it was so SLOW. The samba's meant to be a party dance, this was bordering on funereal. - Steve] I’d happily never see that again, but I fear I will have to. Still, the audience scream and a load of yellow streamers come at them, then they both get so tangled in them that Tess has to run on and help drag them off the dance floor so they don’t trip.

We welcome our singers: Hayley, Mitchel, Andrea and Tommy, and Dave Arch and co. Shirley says this dance has been around since 16th century Brazil (is this her bid to get a History Bit on this show? Because I’m still livid they cut that out of Bake-Off, but I’m also a bit wary of that time they sent Neil to try all those dances on It Takes Two so I'm in two minds whether or not I want it), and there were several mistakes, but it’s a hard dance and Saffron gave it a good try. Bruno says she always goes for it with gusto but sometimes it stopped mid-body and the accents were wrong. [It must hurt to have Bruno of all people criticise your accent. - Steve] Craig says the upper body lacked tone, it was too placed and the footwork was too sloppy, ‘but apart from that, it was perfect’. Motsi says there was a bounce up and down but it wasn’t being absorbed into the body. She adds that Saffron went for it and gave a good performance but she’d have liked more in the body.

In the Clauditorium, Saffron says she was nervous about the dance, but she had fun. Which feels like every Saffron interview at this point. In the background: Kelvin is wearing an outfit that rivals Michelle’s green dress from two weeks ago, Ashley and Pasha’s troll suits and that time they made Ore look like a vagrant ginger werewolf Beetlejuice for the title of most hideous costume ever seen on this show. 

Scores: 5, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 26. I mean, that isn’t undeserved, but still, it’s got to sting after the 39s and this far into the competition. The magic of Blackpool Hangover week, y’all. [I'm just outraged it got two points more than Mollie's samba two years ago, which was at least FUNNY even if it was a trainwreck. - Steve]

Our terms and conditions reader tonight is Tameka Empson who Tamekas all over it, and Gorka comes and dances with her to remind us of those days when he still had a pro partner. Then they play the EastEnders theme tune and it’s hilarious how Graziano, Nadiya and Gorka all look clueless at it.  Guys, you have an EastEnders in the cast, and two of you were paired with one, including the special guest stood right there.

Karim and Amy

I guess it’s about time either Karim or Kelvin got death slotted – although as last week taught us, it doesn’t always mean what we think it does. Time for Karim’s super special sob story for couple’s choice. He, his sister and his mum used to share a one-bedroom flat and his sister always put him in dresses, then he went to drama school but try not to read him as a massive ringer because a) he was poor and b) he went into a CBBC show at 16 and then from there got into presenting.

They are contempowafting to ‘Drops of Jupiter’ which is a song I only recognise from its chorus. Instead of the usual PJs, he’s in a nice good boy jumper and trousers. Perhaps after last week they wanted to put him in something less distracting. Now, if you were thinking contempowaft would be a chance for these two to tone it down and be a bit softer and more lyrical you’d be wrong. It’s quite a fast song and it’s as POWPOWPOW and frenetic as most of their routines have been – in places this works – mainly when he’s doing balletic leaps – and in other places it looks a bit too herky jerky. I’d say he is marginally better at this genre than Amy, who seems to be out of time with him and the music. She kind of knows this, staying in the background for a lot of it. [Also I don't know what Amy did to upset Vicky Gill but that dress they put her in wasn't flattering at all. - Steve] The worst, most ungainly parts of the routine are when it’s both of them together - in fact the whole routine feels more like a solo piece than a dance for two, and in that sense it shows off that he’s a great mover but it also doesn’t feel very Strictly and doesn’t demonstrate any real connection between the two of them. I think this routine could prove divisive. At the end he goes and hugs his mum and sister which I’d grumble about if we hadn’t already had the precedent of Saffron and the one nan she likes.

Bruno shouts that he did brilliantly and loved the changing dynamics of the sharp angular movements with the more lyrical ones. He says it was like a Mark Morris dance (not the one from The Bluetones) [I thought he was talking about morris dancing - Steve]. Craig calls it ‘engaging’ with great leaps and turns, but he thinks Karim is more of a technician than an actor and it lacks emotional content and says he finds that in a lot of Karim’s dances, that there isn’t enough storytelling and he needs that to get his 10 out. Motsi says his technique is unbelievable and she loves that he always gives 110%. I thought that doing too much was the main criticism we had of him but why I'm expecting consistency from the judges I don't know. She liked the slow parts but wishes there were more of those. Shirley says ‘family is everything and mums are the best’. Yeah, let’s not with the 'mums are perfect' propaganda which is almost as mawkish as ‘are brave boys’ narratives. She loved it though.

In the Clauditorium, Karim says Amy was representing the strong women in his life.  Scores: 9, 9, 10, 10 for a total of 38 and some of the people in the Clauditorium shout ‘undermarked’. Really?

We then turn to Emma B who’s in a blonde wig and says Marilyn Monroe is her icon and she has pictures of her all over the house. I must admit I didn’t have her down as a Marilyn Monroe girl, and what she’s wearing certainly looks more end-of-the-pier-does-Madonna-doing-Marilyn than Marilyn herself – in which said pier is more Skegness than Blackpool.

Alex and Neil

As we’re about to have our first Argentine Tango of the series (and I feel so robbed that we had Michelle’s American Smooth and Vogue instead of her AT which I bet would have been amazing), Tess asks Shirley what we should be looking out for. She says turning on a sixpence, passion and lovely kicks. We’re very late to get to this dance – it’s the longest run without one since series 6 – but still I wonder if we’ll get more Argentine Tangos or Waltzes by series end. Imagine saying that 10 years ago when you still couldn’t move for waltzes. (And yes, so far, this series has had the fewest waltzes ever – by quite some margin).

In their VT, Alex says the only similarity between football and dance is ‘performance’. What, not ‘cardio’ or ‘skill’ or ‘teamwork’ or ‘frame’ or ‘athleticism’ or ‘training’ or 'unnecessarily aggressive superfans' or 'retiring at 35' or ‘whining when you lose’? Neil takes her up the Arsenal (missus) where she is given an award for being inducted into the National Football Museum hall of fame. First Kelvin, now Alex. Can no-one be bothered holding awards ceremonies any more?

They are dancing to ‘Never Tear Us Apart’ and are in some of the evening’s least egregious outfits, even if Alex’s very fringed red dress reads more Party Latin than Dance of Sexy Mystery. The training footage for this seemed a lot better than I imagined it would be, but that doesn’t seem to have born much fruit, because this routine generally seems to be a bit beyond her capabilities. She certainly gives it a good go, but there’s not much precision in her leg work, she looks worried rather than sultry, there’s a lift that goes awry mid-way through and the bit where their legs interlock looks more like they’re trying to untangle headphones than a sexy tussle – but there’s a nice spinning lift near the end that involves some good shaping. Then they do another lift and Neil drops her – then they get stuck together and he has to carry her over to Tess who then has to wrangle with their outfits to release them. And then Neil gets lipstick on his nose. Why on earth the producers thought it fair to make these two the AT guinea pigs when Karim, Kelvin or MICHELLE FFS would have made a much better job of it, I don’t know. [The choreography was all wrong for Alex too - whoever put it together should have known she couldn't sustain that bit that was basically 30 seconds of continuous leg flicks. - Steve]

Craig says it was flat-footed, that the ganchos looked like butter churning and that it’s supposed to be the lady reacting to the man’s lead and look more improvised and like a reaction, but she was too tense ‘and needs to be really loose with it downstairs’. DEAR LORD CRAIG. Motsi says ‘you need to be tight downstairs’. NOT MAKING IT BETTER. [Have they got some sort of sponsorship deal with Tena Lady? - Steve] Bruno tells them to make up their minds about whether loose or tight is better. Motsi says she can see an improvement in Alex’s dancing and likes that she was taking a risk. Shirley says no dance connects two people emotionally or physical like the AT. Rumba and Viennesse Waltz what now? She says at this late stage in the game she needs to point out that there were some mistakes and places they were off balance. Bruno calls her a ‘scorching hot scarlet temptress’ and says it’s a skill that she can be a different girl in each dance and even though it went wrong, it was still very good overall.

In the Clauditorium, Giovanni is chewing gum and rolling his eyes when they talk about it being an honour to do the first AT of the series. Shoulda insisted on not vogueing then, shouldn’t you? Scores: 4 (OUCH), 7, 7, 8 for a total of 26. WHAT A FANTASTIC WEEK.

We get a preview of what’s coming, which is basically a message from the Dance Propaganda Board in which the three celebs still to come bang on and on about dancing making them fit. I was at a 1920s' themed party last night and they tried to teach us the Charleston. It was hard and made me dizzy. I am fine with my life choice being Prawn Cocktail Pringles now leave me alone.

Kelvin and Oti

Their routine’s going to be set in a kitchen, so Tess and Claudia do a bit where they’re about to make a cup of tea and they ask if the audience want one. And I can believe the desperation in the loud ‘YES’ that emerges, I’ve heard how long and tedious filming days can be for those watching. [Answer carefully though, tea's a diuretic and you've not got much hope of a loo break. - Steve] In the special couples choice inspo VT, Kelvin downgrades their song choice ‘Do I Love You’ from ‘my wedding dance’ to ‘my dad’s favourite song’. We see a photo of him with his dad in which he (Kelvin) spawns a very ‘spare 6ixth member of 5ive’ spiky hair cut. Kelvin’s wife Liz clarified the song was what they walked down the aisle to and he says they were school sweethearts, then she went to uni but came back and they met again in a club. Aww. We get some surprisingly high quality footage of their wedding (unless it’s a re-enactment of it) and we see some lovely photos of cute kids – overall this is one that rivals Chris’s for refusing to pretend to have had a tragic life – about the only sad bit in it is when Liz went to uni. 

However, that’s because the real tragedy is, as mentioned earlier, his costume. He’s in a polyester purple and mustard striped shirt (again, I apologise for my pattern comment at the start of the show) with ugly baggy terracotta half-mast slacks. I know it’s meant to be a humorous nod to a 60s-ish aesthetic but even at its worst excesses that era was never this bad.

The set for the dance pulls off the period gaudiness more effectively – and it’s one of the most lavish sets I’ve ever seen on this show. It’s a mock up of a 60s-ish kitchen (or should I say kitschen hoho), right down to authentic looking tins and boxes of food, crockery and even a cooker. It’s possible that they borrowed it from a stage show or something because otherwise there is a LOT of detail here for a 90 minute routine that isn’t even closing out the show. Oh, and Oti also looks a state in a (clashing shade of) purple shirt and baggy orange trousers.

The routine continues to bend the boundaries of the already loosely defined ‘street/commercial’. It includes light tea towel bondage, twee skipping, a sluggish ‘worm’, some lazy looking knee press-ups, lots and lots of bits that are out of sync with each other and even more sitting down than Michelle’s dance last week. There’s the odd nice bit (the bits that more closely resemble Northern Soul dancing) but mostly I want to burn it with fire. Now watch it get 10s and prove I’m the only one who thinks it was a bit shit. [Not the only one at all, it absolutely left me cold. - Steve] I guess the band sounded good?

Motsi says it shows a different type of Kelvin and it felt down-to-earth and easy. Yeah, cos they were sat down for half of it. Shirley says he’s made everybody proud and it was absolutely impeccable. Bruno calls it his cup of tea, says it was full of charm and it made the ordinary extraordinary. Craig says he loves Northern Soul and he wasn’t sure about the kitchen bit but once they got going he loved it.

In the Clauditorium, they thank the THREE choreographers who worked on it. No wonder it looked such a mess. Scores: 8, 10, 10, 10 for a total of 38. So it is just me then (and Craig, a bit).

Emma and Anton

Last week!  Anton got ‘his highest score ever’. I mean, joint, but apparently we’re still forgetting Katie Derham exists. [Actually Katie's highest score in the competition was 35 - she did get 37 in week 10 of her series but that was with five extra points from the rigathon. - Steve] In their VT they go to the EastEnders set and Anton says it’s the first time he’s been there – what, even though there have been a zillion EE people on this show and he’s partnered another two of them in the past? They see Davood there who goes on about Anton getting his first 10s some more. 

They’re dancing a quickstep to ‘Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend’, with some sparkly trees illuminating the set. And if you’re hoping for more of Emma Barton’s facial EXPRESSIONS then have we got a treat for you. Anton’s gurning all over the place, too. The dancing itself is not as disappointing as Anton’s quicksteps usually are, but it’s quite good rather than outstanding. It’s still got a bit of gapping and the footwork is a bit dodgy, plus there’s some faffing abaht with Anton getting jewellery boxes, and bit where they full-on stop for some reason – though it’s performed well, and compared to a lot of tonight’s content, a-bit-better-than-average feels like a triumph.

Shirley says she doesn’t recognise Emma in the Kristina tribute wig (hey, why should Flavia always get the nod) and bright pink dress – but Emma’s face is all big-eyed and open mouthed as usual, Shirl, that should be your clue. She says it’s an extremely quick dance but there were problems and she did go out of time in places. Bruno starts shouting that she nearly gave him a heart attack because when it was right it was pure bliss, but there were moments she couldn’t keep up and he thinks ‘the next time’ (in the dance-off?) it’ll be great. Craig agrees and says he’d love to see it how it was meant to be. Motsi says her top line was great and she played the role well, but the feet need to be clearer.

In the Clauditorium they say they had a great dress rehearsal.  Scores: 6, 8, 7, 8 for a total of 29 and Emma says she thought Craig’s score would be worse than that given how low-balling he’s been tonight. We then get a promo for the socials where Claudia says they’ve added TikTok but then says it was a joke. No, Claudia, a joke is ‘Google+’.

Chris and Karen

I guess we’re now down to so few couples that they have got to chuck Chris another pimp slot – although it suggests to me that they’re not expecting him to go home this week and I thought they might have been revving that bus up already to get him gone by next week. Their VT sees Iain Stirling, best known for doing the Love Island voiceover, visit Chris getting changed and marvelling at how god his bum looks in the paso trousers. There’s a niche slash pairing for you. [Into it. - Steve]  

Their paso doble is to ‘Run Boy Run’ and the staging has been left deliberately minimal (as have most people’s tonight, guess Kelvin and Oti ate the budget). Chris is in plain black, whilst Karen’s in a weird outfit – a black shirt with red braces holding up a skirt with no front that has a flamenco style to it but also a really high waist that is off-putting. I think if it had either been trousers or if the skirt didn’t have the high waist panel, it could have looked good, but as it is, it just looks strange. Karen’s dancing is great – really dynamic and powerful and completely obscuring Chris… and we soon see why, when they move side by side and he briefly struggles to keep up with the (very fast) timing. His precision remains an issue – his movements aren’t very clean, but his paso face is at least an attempt at looking moody, and there are a few nice dynamic moments that play more to his strengths, most notably at the end where he jumps over Karen’s dead body, which I really like as a twist on this series’ theme of someone falling down at the end of every routine. [I actually really liked this one - he gave it a good go and at least it was fun on a night when pretty much nothing else was. - Steve]

He says he’s glad it’s over as he had to look at Karen like he hated her and she’s his mate. Tess tells him it’s called acting mate (well she actually said ‘it was convincing, you’re a performer now’ but I know what she meant). Bruno calls it powerful and dramatic but says you need to have the lines in the body and there were also times he wasn’t on the beat (like everyone tonight what even is this week’s show). Craig says it was full of menace and nastiness, ‘totally uncaring, a man after my own heart’. Motsi says she’s so proud of him for fighting and being fearless and that it felt super masc. Shirley says it’s great that he can go from being jovial and bright to the arrogance of that. She tells us paso doble means ‘two step’ and refers to a marching dance. Watch out Jason Gilkison, Educational Shirley’s coming for your ITT VTs. She says there were some missteps but overall she loved it. I wonder if they’re trying the killing with kindness trick here to try and dampen the vote? I can easily imagine that he’s the most popular at home right now. [I think Kelvin is, but I can see Chris easily being a close second. - Steve]

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 7 for a total of 31, with everyone booing Bruno – and he started so well tonight.

Leaderboard:
1=. Karim and Amy - 38

1=. Kelvin and Oti - 38

3. Chris and Karen - 31

4. Emma and Anton - 29

5=. Saffron and AJ - 26

5=. Alex and Neil - 26

Well, that represents quite the post-Blackpool plunge overall, doesn’t it? (Apart from Kelvin and Karim who I thought were way overmarked tonight anyway). We’re going to have to relive two of those mediocre routines tomorrow, but whose? I think Saffron is unlikely to escape the dance-off but it could honestly be anyone else down there – I think Kelvin’s the only person I’d be shocked by (just because I expect his public vote is likely to be higher than Karim’s). Join me then to find out who gets their first trip to the DDO and who gets to keeeeeep dancing.