Dance Yourself Disney

Week 3: Top 14 Perform (Movie Week) - 5 October 2019

Last week! The public got their first chance to vote! Karim and Michelle dazzled, James and David gave us one of the most dire dance-offs of all time, and James was sent packing, primarily because David seems to hate being here less? Hopefully that doesn’t bode ill for Luba who deserves a chance with someone at least vaguely capable.

Tonight! It’s movie week, otherwise known as ‘spot how many songs are also from musicals so we can have a grump about theme weeks being the same’ week. We open with a trailer that claims critics are calling the show ‘exciting’ and ‘mesmerising’ and I feel this is definitely a case of CITATION NEEDED.

Cue credits. Is anyone else a little bit obsessed with the mini couples dancing in the background? I love how both Kevin and Luba are doing the twist and their celebrity partners are… also in the footage.

We open with a Pixar-themed pro routine (I mean, sure, why not), beginning with The Incredibles: Anton is Mr Incredible, Katya Elastigirl (well done for using her actual hero name rather than calling her ‘Mrs Incredible’) and is this week’s recipient of a Flavia memorial wig, Janette is Violet and AJ is Dash. It involves about a million hours of them posing rather than dancing (so it's a rumba, yes?), before they fight some of the other pros, dressed as villains. They cop out on making anyone turn into JackJack doing his fiery rage thing, opting instead for an animation of it. You just know Oti could have sold the shit out of that role if they'd let her. We then move onto Up, and if you managed not to spend this whole segment bawling your eyes out when remembering that opening sequence, you’d have seen the pros all as cute couples doing some lovely ballroom and NO IT’S TOO SAD I CAN’T. Then we move to 'You've Got a Friend in Me' from Toy Story, a song and franchise that haven’t already been done to death on this show, oh wait. Nadiya is Bo Peep (in her TS4 incarnation), several of the men are toy soldiers, someone (Janette?) is a character I don’t recognise and half of the pros are all some variation of Jessie and Woody, whilst their animated versions dance around in front of everyone - and I can’t get over how much Woody looks like Anton. Buzz Lightyear is only here in animated form, the Simon Rimmer condom-outfit hopefully having been burned in a fire.

Tess and Claudia enter by themselves because everyone else is a bit busy. Dresswatch: Tess in a pastel striped Grecian gown, which is nice but reads more Summertime Spectacular than Hollywood glamour and Claudia’s in a black starry dress which would be improved if it didn’t have an awkward thigh split topped off with a huge ruffle. The judges, however, get to play with the spare pros – Shirley with Gorka holding a clapperboard, Bruno giving his autograph to Nancy, Motsi being papped by Graziano, and Craig sitting in a directors’ chair calling the shots.  So now we know who to thank/blame for whatever happens tonight. Shirley appears to be wearing a dress made of tissue paper and Motsi a wedding dress, whilst Bruno’s in some pyjama type thing with an undone silk bow. It’s all a little odd. Craig looks good in a white suit jacket with a dapper directors’ scarf though.

The contestants enter: David and Nadiya; Emma B and Anton; Chris and Karen; Emma W and Aljaž; Dev and Dianne; Saffron and AJ; Mike and Katya; Michelle and Giovanni; Will and Janette; Catherine and Johannes; Alex and Neil; Karim and Amy; Anneka and Kevin; Kelvin and Oti. We’ll get onto the costumes as we do each pair in turn, but suffice to say, some of these people have really been done dirty by the stylists.

Michelle and Giovanni as Sally Bowles and EmCee

You know the best thing about moving to this new subheading format? Not having to try and think of fourteen variations of ‘Next up are X and X’. [WORD. Now all I need is a workaround for the transition from standing next to Tess to standing next to Claudia. - Steve] In their VT, Michelle talks about how much she loves Liza Minelli and how she wants their number to be the showstopper of the night. As much as I enjoy these two, if the showstopper is the first routine we’re going to have a loooong night ahead of us. Unless she means literally stopping the show, in which case I’m all for it, as I have tomorrow's lecture to write and the Fleabag cinema transmission thingy to watch tonight, so the quicker this can be over and done with, the better. Michelle says she’s finding it easy to be ‘Liza Minelli as Sally Bowles’ in  Cabaret but Giovanni is finding it harder to get into the role of EmCee and I was fully expecting them to skype Joe McFadden here, but no, it just means Michelle wants an excuse to put some half-assed make-up on him because RuPaul’s Drag Race UK streaming now on BBC Three! (On that subject, boy have they missed a trick not doing Priscilla, Queen of the Desert).

Giovanni opens introducing Michelle in both German and English with an Italian accent and sounding super Europeanly adorable #fuckbrexit. They’re dancing a quickstep, allegedly, although it mostly involves recreating the routines from the film – see also the majority of dances tonight (spoiler). The bits of actual quickstep are pretty good – the timing is sharp and they have nice chemistry, but Michelle’s gob is hanging wide open throughout and her footwork could be sharper. Still, they look good, they are, as always, very watchable, and they're not (yet?) as annoying as Joe and Katya were when they did Cabaret, so hooray.

Shirley says it was ‘magnifique’, to make this more multilingual, and she 'smashed it on every level'. Bruno calls it 'divine decadence' and says the character and feel were correct and the quickstep was polished without becoming a parody. Craig says there was a ‘superfluous backstep’ [loved their second album - Steve] but the rest was a-may-zing. Motsi says she can’t wait to see Michelle and she loves that Michelle owns every dance.

In the Clauditorium, Michelle says going first means you don’t have time to worry about it. Claudia offers a quick shout out to make-up, which is a real downgrade from the days of the overblown Brendan Cole speech. Scores: 8, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 35. Movie Week!

This weeks Terms and Conditions special guest is Hayley Mills, who’s looking super glam, especially as I can't think of a time she's done anything in the public eye since birthing a Kula Shaker [she was in Wild At Heart! - Steve], so I kind of assumed she'd tired of the razzle dazzle, but she struggles a tad with the autocue.

Alex and Neil as Moana and Man in blue clothes (aka The Ocean)

Tess asks Shirley what she wants from our first rumba of the series and Shirley says she loves to see the seven rumba walks, grace and sensuality – and she’s really looking forward to the first rumba of the series (but maybe not the second?).

Their VT features Neil playing with Alex’s feet [oh sure, we can't have same-sex couples but we can have foot fetishists? - Steve], Alex saying she’s 34 (Brendan) and them watching Moana with her niece who says Moana is a strong person #factsarefacts. Alex asks who’s going to be the grandma and her niece says Craig, and when it comes to the usual 'family grade the couple' moment, she tells them that if they want a 10, they have to earn it. You can tell this is a family that raised a sportswoman, can't you?

They’re dancing to ‘How Far I’ll Go’ [should've been 'You're Welcome', what a stone-cold bop - Steve] and the staging is very literal – Alex is in a fairly close approximation of the costume, she starts on a boat, and the floor is the sea. She starts out doing some solo contempowaft before Neil comes on.  I think he’s supposed to be the sea, but he’s in a flower-patterned shirt and some turquoise trousers and it’s a bit half-arsed as costumes go. This is a decent enough attempt for a week three rumba in terms of it having the basic steps in there, and she copes well with the spinning on the floor, which is always tricky. However, she looks a little too hesitant at points, her face isn’t into it and the flow between moves is a bit stilted – it feels like something that should have come later in the series when she might be more confident.

Bruno says she was too nervous and it showed, Craig says he liked the blend of contemporary and rumba but found the transitions didn’t work very well. Motsi says she needed more flow in her hips and to feel the music more. Shirley says she completed four of the key rumba aspects and she liked the contemporary aspects and says she can feel her beginning to find her inner strength and ‘inner woman’ (?) but it’s not there yet. Scores: 5, 6, 6, 6 for a total of 23.

Chris and Karen as FRED’N’GINGE

Last week! Chris had a classic Charleston redemption story. This week, can he keep it up? [Oh, are we going to the family home again? - Steve] Their VT shows Karen demonstrating the ‘feather step’, which involves keeping the spine strong so the rest of the body can flow around it. STOP DID WE JUST HAVE AN EDUCATIONAL MOMENT WHAT IS THIS, SERIES ONE?

They’re dancing the American Smooth to ‘Cheek to Cheek’ from Top Hat and they’ve lucked out with probably the costumes of the night in that he’s in tails and she’s in a classic elegant Hollywood gown. I actually quite like this? Of course, the music and costumes go a long way, but he seems to really be in character and his rhythm isn’t bad at all. His posture, especially in the upper body, needs refinement, especially the hands which could prompt a ‘spatulistic’ from Craig, and his movements are a bit ungainly in places, but from a performance perspective, it’s not bad for a mid-table bloke dance. [I thought it was pretty terrible as soon as he got in hold, but up until that point it was nice? - Steve]

Craig isn’t especially happy, though, saying his chin was pointing out and he has ‘basketball hands’. He says the steps were all there but he needs more swing and sway as it felt like he was walking through more than dancing. Tess says Craig’s the movie week villain and Chris tells the other judges not to let him influence them. Motsi says it was a huge improvement, but as the audience clap, she shouts ‘Wait!’. I’m used to the ‘wait’ coming when the audience boo, but is this a first for the other way round? She says he has great performance and a sparkle that ‘money can’t buy’ but he needs to work on the dancing. Shirley says they look stunning tonight and he’s definitely come a long way but he has postural issues. However he did well at keeping up with the fast music. Bruno says he has guts and it’s hard to take on a routine so iconic, and it wasn’t a disaster.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia congratulates him on his first proper ballroom and Chris says it’s hard to go from cha cha to Charleston to ‘that thing’. Aww. Scores: 4, 6, 6, 6 for a total of 22.

Karim and Amy as Po and Tigress (I think, I’ve never seen any of the Kung Fu Pandas so I just googled the character names)

In case you were worried about OMG BBC BIAS with all the Disney references tonight, Dreamworks also exists. (I’ll happily pretend Karim and Amy's VT doesn’t exist because it just goes ‘we’re doing really well, let’s keep doing well').

So these two are dancing a ‘samba’ to ‘Kung Fu Fighting’. They have not exactly been treated well by costume and makeup. They’re both wearing furry animal suits that look like something someone’s nan ran up the night before a school play that their grandkid forgot to tell them about, and whilst Amy’s tiger make-up is OK in a village fete face painter kind of way, Karim’s is melting all over the place and makes him look like Ghostface from Scream. The costumes also get in the way of the dancing in that they’re so bulky it’s hard to actually see what their bodies are doing. There’s a lot of faffing about with kung fu moves, but once the proper steps start, it begins well – then in the middle Karim goes out of sync with Amy for a couple of steps before it gets back on track. He probably has some hip action going on but it’s hard to tell. Also his big fluffy tail covers his bum and I feel for samba purposes that’s hiding a crucially important part of the routine.

Motsi says is very talented but needs to work on coordinating his upper and lower body. Shirley says he’d gat a 10 for solo work but the samba part doesn’t have enough rhythm in the body and doesn’t flow through the standing leg.  Bruno says it was cute and he has no problem with isolations but he over-energised it and lost the softness in the bounce.  Not that you could tell if there was any bounce in those outfits.  Craig says he dances cleanly and with attack but that went against him a bit in this dance as it looked a bit spiky.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says they’ll speed through because they must be super-hot. As if they’ll be allowed to change their outfits in the next few hours. Karim waves to his nephew who loves pandas.  

Scores: 6, 7, 6, 7 for a total of 23. Karim (with his makeup running off his face) begs down the camera but I’m not sure if it’s for votes or to be allowed out of the misery of the outfit.

There’s a preview for what’s coming later, but still too many couples to be dealing with that.

Catherine and Johannes as Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper (because nobody remembers what the names of those characters were let’s face it). [I know that she was "Ally" but only because I made lots of "LGBTQ Ally" jokes about it. - Steve]

In the VT, Catherine says the story of A Star is Born is ‘one of the greatest love stories ever’ and that these two people were born to be together which… wasn’t necessarily what I took home from that film, but all the A Star is Borns are hokey old melodramas so, sure, whatever.  Catherine’s husband and son turn up to training and her son is in a check shirt like Johannes and I hope that’s because he’s a fan (let’s face it, we’re all Johannes fans now, right?).

They’re doing the second rumba of the series, to ‘Shallow’, and the singers take as well to this song as you might expect. Johannes is wearing a vest and jeans with a blouse tied round the waist (SO HETEROSEXUAL) whilst Catherine’s in a sage green dress that I don’t remember Lady Gaga wearing in the film but it is a while since I saw it. Performance-wise, this is much stronger than Alex’s routine – being an actress comes in handy with the EMOTING. Her transitions are generally better than Alex’s but there are moments where Johannes is visibly pushing her into place, so the technique could have been cleaner.

Tess points out Antony Cotton in the audience but fortunately we don’t get an extensive conversation with him. Over with the judges, Shirley says she feels emotional and she praises Johannes (or backhand compliments him) for the simplicity of the routine and calls it ‘one of the most loveliest rumbas I’ve seen on week three’ (spoiler alert, it’s about to become the fourth highest week 3 rumba ever, if that means anything, although there are a few week 2 rumbas ahead of it). Bruno declares her ‘reborn through the rumba’ and praises its fluidity and expression. Craig says one foot should remain on a floor at all times and there was a moment they were both off the floor so he’ll deduct a mark, but overall it was stunning. Motsi says it was special and her whole body was alive. I mean, I’d hope the body being alive was always the case for everyone, but I guess David’s paso last week might have indicated a bit of rigor mortis creeping in here and there, so always good to keep an eye on it in case a first aider is needed. [I wonder who the first aider is? Heaven help us if it's Bruno. - Steve]

Scores: 8, 8, 8, 8 and I love that Craig suggested he would have got his 9 out for that – a camp icon and a soap kween appealing to Craig, whaddasurprise.

Will and Janette as Ash Ketchum and Pikachu

Team 'Pocket Racket' now, or team 'They got WHAT score now?' as they are known in this house. Will says they nearly chickened out of doing the lifts in their salsa last week but decided to put them in at the last minute. Sure, hun, Janette nearly didn’t use the only trick in her book. Sure. They tell us they’re dancing to the theme tune from ‘Pokémon the Movie’, which is suspiciously unspecific, as there are 22 (!!!) animated Pokémon films, most of which have ‘Pokémon the Movie’ as part of their title. Hmmm, I don’t think they’re true fans at all. Janette tells us their Pokémon film is about a boy called Ash who has to collect Pokémon, which distinguishes it from Detective Pikachu (about Ryan Reynolds playing basically a PG-version of Deadpool, but yellow) and Pokémon Go in which, as I understand it, you collect the Pokémon and send them to become lab experiments for some mad professor who’s big into Eugenics. TEATIME FUN! Also they’re doing a paso doble, and Janette shows us some of the key moves. She doesn’t say ‘basically anything that isn’t what David did last week’ which is very diplomatic of her.

Voiceover guy tells us they’re dancing to a song ‘from the movie Pokémon’ which isn’t even a thing. I’m with Chris. Bring us TV themes week already. Come on, they did it in the USA, and think of all the possibilities: a foxtrot to Neighbours, a contempowaft to Home and Away, a samba to Round the Twist, a tango to Casualty, a hip-hop to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, a Charleston to The House of Elliott, a rumba to Howard’s Way, a paso to the actual Game of Thrones music finally, a ‘musical theatre’ to the Raggy Dolls, a quickstep to The Family Ness, a salsa to Mysterious Cities of Gold, an American Smooth to Sesame Street, a Viennese waltz to Allo Allo, a waltz to Emmerdale, an Argentine Tango to, I don’t know, the Trap Door theme? (Yes I did spend too much time thinking about this I regret nothing and yes I have about ten series’ worth of possible options for some of these genres). Look you’re sending out a Downton Abbey theme tune dance later tonight, we had Top Cat and Doctor Who last year, you did Wonder Woman before that, you clearly want it, MAKE IT HAPPEN already.  

Oh yeah, Will and Janette. They. Do. Not. Look. Good. Will’s in a cropped jacket and high waisted trousers that belong in an X Factor routine, whilst Janette’s in a Pikachu headband, some half-arsed yellow makeup round the sides of her face, and a Pikachu caped dress and leggings. [I don't know though, for me the costumes were so tacky that they crossed right over into brilliance somehow? - Steve] As a paso, it’s very limp and lacking in intent, though Will does a good constipation face. Like the rest of their routines it’s not giving me anything, but the judges will probably cream themselves over this one as well.

Bruno says he attacked it like a demon, but he needs to do artistry and not just ‘mash’ the shaping. Craig says he needs shaping through the arms and shoulderline, but it had ‘intent’ and ‘purpose’. The intent and purpose being ‘get this over and done with’. Motsi says it had power but he needs to listen to the music and Shirley says it needs more artistry and shaping but was ‘a very good try.’

In the Clauditorium Janette’s make-up looks even worse close up.  I think Lisa’s team must have been so busy with Dev that they ran out of time for everyone else.  Scores: 6, 6, 5, 6 for a total of 23.

Kelvin and Oti as... two Jacks?

Kelvin says he’s super excited to have a Mary Poppins Returns because we haven't had any Disney routines for five minutes it was the first film he took his three year old daughter to see at the pictures. On ITT he said she was two-and-a-half so clearly he is not a reliable narrator. Kelvin says he was looking forward to the Charleston but he can’t do the moves, so he comfort eats some grapes (GRAPES). Then his kids come in and cheer him up because everyone’s deploying baby warz left, right and centre this week.

They’re dancing to ‘Trip a Little Light Fantastic’ and there’s a lot of swinging on poles and recreating moves from the film and about five seconds of Charleston (MOVIE WEEK) and it’s actually a bit stilted? I mean there’s tons of energy and lifts and a lot of performance value and cartwheels and various other tricks, and he's clearly athletic and impressive, but the transitions are clunky and it doesn’t feel super true to genre, and would have been much better described as Musical Theatre. Or maybe I’m just a grump.

Craig calls it fab-u-lous, Motsi praises his athleticism, Shirley praises him for making a difficult routine look easy and Bruno says it was as good as anything he’s seen on the West End stage or Broadway. Guess it’s just me that was whelmed by it.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says Kelvin’s daughter will be proud.  Scores: 9, 9, ‘It’s never too early for a 10 from Shirley’, 10.  I still preferred the samba, sorry.

We’re only half way, and we get a half-time leaderboard:

1. Kelvin and Oti - 38

2. Michelle and Giovanni - 35

3. Catherine and Johannes - 32

4. Karim and Amy - 26

5=. Alex and Neil - 23

5=.Will and Janette - 23

7. Chris and Karen - 22

Hours left of this show - 85

Emma and Aljaž as A Posh cosplaying a Poor for larks and her dapper butler

Tess introduces them by saying they’re performing from ‘one of the biggest movies of the year’, Downton Abbey (I guess top 15 counts as one of the biggest now – although it is still out so it might make top 10. Also: It’s a TV show. Also also, I never watched the show, but I did see the film and is the TV version equally as hammy? [It once featured the line "I can't be a crash widow again, I can't!", so that's an emphatic yes. - Steve]). They’re both going to be playing ‘downstairs’ staff and I question the choice of this for someone who lives in the upstairs and whether it’s going to endear Emma to the audience or have the opposite effect. Still, Phyllis Logan comes to visit them and says they look beautiful together, so maybe your mum will be swayed by that.

They’re dancing a foxtrot to the theme tune and it’s quite lovely (if Emma’s black and white ballgown and pristine make-up are entirely unconvincing at making her look like a servant) – it starts and ends well, but there is a moment in the middle where Emma stumbles and it takes her a while to find her footing again. 

Motsi says she did well and the first part was really beautiful but when she let go of it in hold, she wanted to stretch her again. Shirley says she needs to get her shoulders and frame in order, but she praises Aljaž for the choreography. Bruno says the service they provide is very pleasing and if she works on her core (Darcey RIP) it will help with her frame. Craig says there was a wobble in the middle and some gapping throughout but overall it was elegant.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Emma’s mum was crying during the routine. Scores: 7 (and I love how excited this makes them), 7, 7, 7 (and how deflated they are by this one) – for a total of 28.

Anneka and Kevin as some woman in a cheap costume shop ‘Wedding Knife Lady’ tracksuit top and Quentin Tarantino

Next in our family friendly fun filmtacular – am 18-certificate film about a bloody assassin! In this VT, Kevin and Anneka sack off training and go and learn some martial arts, which Anneka is mildly better at than dancing. That was a bit of a missed opportunity to do a joint VT with Karim and Amy who also had martial arts themes this week.

They’re dancing the Charleston to ‘Woo Hoo’ (which is a fucking racket even before you get the singers involved [and will forever be in my brain associated with Rayman Legends more than it will be with any film, and now I want a Video Game Themes Week and a Tetris paso doble - Steve]) and Anneka’s in a yellow top with lots of weird embellishments on that don’t really resemble the ones from the film, with some black jogging bottoms. Black! I don’t know what wardrobe were thinking here, because even if you haven’t seen Kill Bill, The Bride’s yellow tracksuit is pretty iconic, so there’s no excuse for this mess, other than that it’s a metaphor for this routine. Kevin, for his part, appears to have been dressed as Quentin Tarantino from this filming still, rather than Bill.

Anneka was never really going to suit the Charleston as it’s too goofy and relies on a lot of looseness in the body, whilst she’s stiff and scared-looking throughout. Kevin is doing his best but if anything that just makes her look worse by comparison. He carries her around on a stick for a bit, then shoves her around the dance floor in a manner not seen since Anton lugged Widdy around. If they wanted Tarantino, they should have done a Death Proof routine to 'Chick Habit' because that could have just involved Anneka driving a car the whole time. Still, Anneka has the best make-up of the night (i.e. it's just natural and glowing).

Kevin says he wouldn’t want to be the judges because they’ve already given 10s to one Charleston.  Bruno says ‘I wouldn’t worry about that, my love’. Shirley says she is stunning, which is true, and then needs to work on the timing and the technique (i.e. everything), but shows ‘promise’. Bruno says it was meant to be ‘Kill Bill’ and it was actually ‘slaughter the Charleston’ and Anneka says she didn’t even know it was meant to be a Charleston. I believe it, she does live in a world of her own. Bruno says he’ll give her a point for her honesty and she says she’ll hold him to that, ‘at least one point from Bruno’. I don’t think they’re allowed to give 0, hon. Craig says it stopped and started like a bad internet connection and was ‘not very good’. Motsi compliments the energy as there was a lot of running involved. 

In the Clauditorium, everyone sings the music and Kevin shudders. Anneka says she’s proud of herself because she now has ‘eleven and a half’ moves across three dances. Scores: 2, 3, 3, 3 for a total of 11. Claudia tells her to remember their waltz last week and Anneka says she now wishes she was wearing a dress (and Vicky Gill snarls at the screen and screws up her list of future trousery outfits).

Saffron and AJ as Katniss and Peeta.

Tess introduces them by saying they’re doing a dance from the Hunger Games, in which 'competitors are whittled down until there’s only one left standing' which ‘sounds familiar’. That's either a very BBC sanitised version of the plot, or she's insinuating that the outcome for axed couples has become much more severe than simply ‘do an It Takes Two interview’. Perhaps after so many years of bitter ex-contestants bitching to the press they’ve resorted to extreme measures. [And, as I pointed out on Twitter somewhat bitterly, at least in the Hunger Games you know who finishes second, third and fourth. - Steve]

Their VT features them going to an archery range for her to train to be Katniss. She does better than him, and they both get close but not quite in the centre of the bullseye. Metaphor for AJ’s Strictly journey, there.

They’re dancing to the Lorde version of ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’ and they’re both in tight leather (recycled from the bondage paso outfits Seann and Katya had last year?), the costume department having chickened out of giving her the dress that catches fire. Interestingly, neither has any kind of cape. The routine seems to have a lot of purpose and attack in terms of the steps, but the music, lighting and dry ice are doing a lot here to give it atmosphere – there aren’t too many flourishes going on in her body and avoiding the caping seems like a copout.

Bruno says it had a lot of content but it lost the Spanish lines and was a bit hunched. Craig says there was a nice reverse turn and performance but the footwork and shaping were lacking. Motsi likes that she gives a lot to her dances, but she needs to breathe more in slow dances and feel it in her body. Shirley says she’s doing well for a non-dancer but she needs to be more balanced and defined in her footwork and timing.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says it must be hard doing the tango and paso as they need a serious face and Saffron doesn’t have one.  Bet if you said the word ‘demonetisation’ to her you’d see it. Scores: 7, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 28.

ANOTHER preview of what’s to come.  Mike, David, Dev, Emma B, all the classics (they really should have spaced the ringers out a bit more tonight).

Mike and Katya as Someone who definitely wasn’t in the film Magic Mike and a member of the audience disappointed at the false advertising

Mike thinks Magic Mike is a film about ‘friendship and dance’. He goes to meet the cast of the stage show and says he needs help in ‘chatting up a lady’ and breakdancing. BALLROOM AND LATIN COMPETITION Y’ALL. Although he’s doing a cha cha so the desire for PURITY OF DAHNCE may be limited.

They start dancing to ‘Pony’ as Mike slides down a fireman’s pole in full gear, before stripping… to reveal the least Magic Mike outfit it’s possible to wear – not only is there no hint of chest on show, his top has long sleeves – but unfortunately it’s also tight fitting and gives him an unflattering paunch. This show has Kelvin in its cast, it’s doing a Magic Mike theme and they haven’t put those two things together? Know. Your. Audience. (Who cares if his name isn’t Mike? Pretty sure Janette’s not actually a Pokémon either). The music changes to ‘It’s Raining Men’ and this becomes your average lower-tier bloke cha cha, all stomps and ill-advised pelvic thrusts, and then Katya falls over and it ends under a pathetic amount of confetti. HOORAY.

Craig says it looked like his jockstrap was too tight as there was no hip action, but he loves that Mike goes for broke.  Motsi says it was over so fast that she wants to see it again.  I know this is Katya comeuppance series but that’s still a bit harsh.  She also gives the best shade of the night ‘I love the way you interpret dance’.  Shirley says she loves the way he ripped off his shirt and trousers (he did?  Or has Bruno been slipping a little something extra into Shirley’s water?) and he needs to tell his middle part to move.  Bruno says it wasn’t quite magic, and it got nearly tragic and he dropped Katya but she says that wasn’t his fault. 

They go up to the Clauditorium and Katya falls over again and it’s not clear if that was deliberate or if she might need a good sit down and some vitamins.

Scores: 3, 5, 5, 5 for a total of 18. Seems overmarked to me, but I guess they have to make it look like there are some staggered scores in between the ringers and the dead losses.

David and Nadiya as Batman and Woman in a Dress

David says he’s struggling with the fact that he has to perform, whilst in football you don’t need personality. Tell that to the mountains of Italia 90 merchandise featuring Gazza crying. (Also, I don’t think it’s personality he’s lacking so much as… the ability to dance?) Anyway, to give him personality, they drive around (/slowly, down the road, because that’s all insurance would cover) in low-qualty replica Batmobile. [Having walked down Elstree High Street many a time and seen what a mess the traffic is there most of the time, I'm sure the other motorists found this a delight and in no way a massive pain in the arse! - Steve]

They’re dancing the American Smooth to ‘Kiss From a Rose ‘from the movie Batman’. Which came out five years before this song did, because it’s actually from Batman Forever (well, actually actually it was a single in its own right and THEN on the Batman Forever soundtrack a year later). Tonight is NOT a good night for cinema pedants. It opens with David flying in from the roof and whilst his costume is a reasonable blend of theme and glitz (it has a sequinned bat on it), it comes complete with cape, and I can’t help but feeling that’s wardrobe trolling Nadiya after she blamed their paso failure on the cape lastweek. Anyway, he smiles a bit too much to be Batman, but otherwise his performance has improved. His standing frame isn’t too bad, but when he’s required to move, it’s still pretty ungainly. However, Nadiya’s doing the work here by swooping around in a long dress and that compensates a bit for his deficiencies.

Motsi and Shirley like that he’s improved a bit and that they could see his sensitive side. Bruno says there’s more movement and connection, and he even smiled which suggested he was beginning to relax. Craig says he needs to keep relaxing more as everything will flow more smoothly when he does, and highlights a range of technical issues, but says he can see a modicum of improvement.

In the Clauditorium, David says he’s been knackered this week and then asks if he can say that on the BBC and Claudia points out that it’s a bit late to ask after the fact. Scores: 4, 4, 4, 4 for a total of 16.

Emma B and Anton as Vanessa Kensington and Austin Powers

Emma says ‘I loved Saturday… sort of’ with the maniacal face of a soap star doing this show whilst filming constantly. And… she’s got a salsa this week so I don’t see this easing her shredded nerves – not least as their training footage seems to involve her screeching with despair every time a move goes wrong.

They’re dancing to ‘Soul Bossa Nova’ and Emma’s in a glittery silver frock and boots that do a pretty good job of referencing the film, whilst Anton is in a velvet suit and a wig that looks more like 70s-era John Craven needing a haircut than Austin Powers. The routine itself is probably their best yet, but it’s all a bit placed rather than smooth, as if Emma’s remembering to do each move technically, rather than treat it as a whole dance. And Anton’s as good at Latin dancing as ever.

Shirley says she imagined Emma being a ballroom dancer, but she thought she had a good rhythm. Bruno keeps laughing at Anton’s wig but says Emma gave a real swinging 60s style salsa, but she needs to sell it a bit more and let go rather than be so focused on technique. Craig says she under-danced a little in the sense that she didn’t really come out and ‘slam it’. We then get into a bit where Craig accuses Anton of having fake teeth and Tess completely loses her shit laughing all over Motsi’s comments (Emma is sensual and ‘we don’t want to lose a great dancer’ so she needs to push herself). I kind of love it when Tess breaks.

In the Clauditorium, Anton says ‘I’d like to say I’ve never been more offended but it wouldn’t be true’. Heh.  

Scores: 6, 7, 7, 7 for a total of 27.

Dev and Dianne as Genie and Abu

We learn that they’re doing the first Couple’s Choice – a ‘street commercial’. Motsi says she wants to see fun and funk but they should also relax. Dev says he used to love the film so much he’d rewind it and start again. We get a proper introduction to Dev’s supporting cast of his mum and three sisters (including his twin) and the photos indicate a gaggle of nieces and nephews he can presumably milk for baby warz points later in the series. Anyway, everyone’s proud of him, he’s grateful to them, no-one is discussing the finer technical points of street commercial but let’s hope it’s better than Joe’s.

Unlike Will Smith in most of Aladdin, and Janette in that routine she just did, Dev has fully committed to the blue paint – he’s even gone topless (except for a waistcoat). I was listening to him on the radio on Sunday saying he was still mostly blue and I don’t doubt it. I just hope he wasn’t sitting on or touching anything over the weekend, because you know that’s going to stain. He also has the goatee, hair and outfit, so it would be one of the more successful looks of the weekend were it not for huge patches under his arms and on his back that they either didn’t paint or he’s sweated off, which ruin the overall effect a bit. Dianne’s almost unrecognisable with her hair hidden behind monkey ears but she looks cute. 

The set dressers have also gone all out with a huge lamp and piles of gold rocks, and there’s a natty little projected flying carpet on the floor that follows the around. They’re dancing to ‘Friend Like Me’ (and can I just say that I mostly enjoyed the live action remake but Will Smith cannot sing for toffee – making this one more of a spoken-song was a very good choice, because his ‘Arabian Nights’ was painful). It’s a good choice for the pimp slot because it’s full of energy and fun. How true it is to the spirit of street commercial is uncertain but after last year I’m still not even sure what true street commercial actually is. His performance is really strong and fits the character well, and the dancing is solid, if a little hesitant in places. However, about two thirds of the way in, he’s clearly really tired and it stops a bit whilst Diane goes under his legs, before they recover with a fun end pose involving Dianne clasping herself off his hip by the power of her vagina alone – that’s magic! It had a couple of flaws but I really enjoyed it overall – and I think Dev needed something like this to give him a bit of momentum as the de facto third best male.

The audience whoop and give it a massive standing ovation, as do all the non-Craig judges. Tess says they ‘blue the roof off’ whilst Dev gasps for breath. Bruno calls it inspired, original, fresh and exciting and we see the blue paint starting to sweat down Dev’s face. The make-up team need better setting sprays. Craig loved it and has no criticisms; Motsi says it’s epic, and one of the dances we’ll remember ‘for ever, ever, ever’ and she sees his hard work and natural talent. Shirley calls him stunning in every way. Are we heading for even more 10s?

In the Claditorium we reiterate that even though Dianne had a (quite nasty-sounding) fall in rehearsals she’s fine now.

Scores: 9, 9, 9, 9 for a total of 36, which reflects the dance, but doesn’t really reflect the comments that sounded like the kind of thing that would get you solid 10s (and was it really worse than Kelvin’s?). [Honestly I didn't rate either of their routines this week, the Movie Week scoreboard was as baffling to me as it always is. - Steve]

Anyway, we’re done!  And in less time than it takes to watch Brad Pitt moping about in space in Ad Astra or the monster coming back again and again and again and just fuck off already I’m bored in It: Chapter 2.

Leaderboard:

1. Kelvin and Oti - 38

2. Dev and Dianne - 36

3. Michelle and Giovanni - 35

4. Catherine and Johannes - 32

5=. Emma and Aljaž - 28

5=. Saffron and AJ - 28

7. Emma and Anton - 27

8. Karim and Amy - 26

9. Alex and Neil - 23

10=. Will and Janette - 22

10=. Chris and Karen - 22

12. Mike and Katya - 18

13. David and Nadiya - 16

14. Anneka and Kevin - 11

Well, it’s looking a bit crowded mid-table, isn’t it? I had expected Emma W to hit the dance-off right about now but I think coming this high in the scores could see her safe. [I was expecting it too, at least until I heard she had a Downton-themed foxtrot this week and it felt like a fortuitous draw for her. - Steve] I’m expecting a relatable bloke-off ‘tomorrow’ as I think Anneka and Kevin might still have enough public support to save them, though I wouldn’t be shocked if they were down there too.

Still, we’ll find out all of that very soon – after the vote opens with everyone wielding movie-themed props and Graziano pushed to the front wearing a headset, holding a boom mic and looking confused and terrified as everyone piles on him from behind (oo-err missus etc). Poor Graziano, never quite seems to understand what’s going on in this show, does he?

Join me tomorrow to see who is Box Office Poison!