Making Fletch happen

Week 13: The Final - 14 December 2019

Last year I made one big request of Louise Rainbow's successor: no more 150-minute finals. This year, I guess I got my wish with this comparatively lean 125-minute finale, though I guess that's more the result of Will getting medevaced than any power this blog might have. Nonetheless, I'm going to take it as the gift that it is - even though I'm exhausted and even a two-hour finale feels like it might end me. Merry Christmas, everyone!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Natalie Lowe had her baby at the weekend! Congratulations Natalie.

- Darren and Lilia think this series has been unpredictable.
- Darren thinks Dev and Catherine were potential finalists (also Michelle but that seems more legit).

- Darren's favourite couple was Will and Janette, Lilia's were Dev and Dianne and Michelle and Giovanni.
- Darren thinks the reason Karim is struggling with lifts is being shorter than Amy.
- Lilia thought Emma and Anton's waltz was great... before massively ragging on the footwork.
- Darren wants Emma and Anton to win, and Lilia wants Kelvin, or all of them.

- The last comedian to make it to the final was Julian Clary.
- Apparently Gorka and Katya had a whole storyline worked out for their dance to Niall Horan.  Something about her being hard to get even though she was cartwheeling with her foof wide open.

- Varieties of tap vary from jazz to postmodern. I have no idea what postmodern tap looks like and I'm not sure I want to.

Nightmare on Ramsey Street

Week 12: Top 4 Results (Semi-Final) - 8 October 2019

We’re straight into the credits with no final ‘final please’ pleas. Then we open with an Argentine-tango-cum-flamenco-cum-paso-cum-circus pro dance featuring some random centre stage [!!!! That's Carlos Acosta! - Steve] whilst Luba, Dianne, Nancy, Nadiya, Janette and another random make sexy faces at him, whilst Gorka, Graziano and Katya tempt him from the sidelines. Then he pirouettes around the place like Karim on steroids, then he does acrobatics with Katya who is wearing the worst outfit ever seen on this show that wasn’t inflicted on Michelle Visage or Tess Daly – some red trousers and top combo that looks like those crepe paper Christmas trees you made in school. Also it featured too much sitting around on the floor. I did not like it. Apart from the bit where all the pros made fierce power shapes for their end poses glaring daggers at Katya and random ballet bloke.

Same old story

Week 12: Top 4 Perform (Semi-Final) - 7 December 2019

Last week! A perfectly respectable musicals week that Steve got to recap following a perfectly respectful Blackpool week, whilst I got the utter doggerel that was Blackpool Hangover week, i.e. one of the worst episodes of this show ever. And now! It's two-dance week! That week where everyone inevitably underwhelms due to the pressure of learning two new routines! When I complained to Steve about this, he did point out that he has the final, which means SHOWDANCES from this shower. I think I am most excited-for-but-also-dreading Karim and Amy's, given how much their dances are when they're meant to be sticking to genre. Imagine when they're let loose. I'm not sure there will even be any survivors. But before that, of course, we have to see which three couples will make the final, and which will get to have a nice sit down and watch three-dance-week from the sidelines.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Alex has learnt what whisks, voltas and botafogos are.

- Alex expected to be in the dance-off every week.

- Michelle took Alex out for dinner last night to cheer her up.

- Johannes has a nice singing voice.

- Johannes really loves the samba.

Scott free

Week 11: Top 5 Results (Musicals Week) - 1 December 2019

We open with the excellent Beverley Knight MBE singing 'Memory' from Cats. I had the pleasure of seeing her in Memphis: The Musical a few years back and she really was dynamite in it. (Matt Cardle, who was her co-star, not so much.) The pros are waltzing all around her, with Aljaž and Katya getting the showcase spot and doing a sublime and ridiculous spinning lift which I enjoy very much. It's all very soft and subtle and lovely, which is quite a nice change of pace after the full on jazz-handsiness of pretty much everything that was performed last night. See you next year, Beverley!

Show and tell

Week 11: Top 5 Perform (Musicals Week) - 30 November 2019

Ever have that moment where you can't quite believe you're watching something that was broadcast on a major channel in 2019? I'm having that right now with this opening VT, which features an indifferently-drawn proscenium arch and curtains on which silhouettes of the contestants are superimposed as they talk about Musicals Week. I'm not sure it's an idea that you could ever execute in a prestige TV way to begin with, but the effect here is undeniably CBeebies. Who signed this off? Anyway, if you want to know what's being said: Chris is the one who gets the short straw and has to tell us what week it is, Emma wants to deliver the best performance of her life, Karim says that being part of the final five on Strictly is the best feeling ever, Alex can't believe she's made it this far and she's not taking any moment of it for granted, and Kelvin promises that his performance will be bigger, better and more memorable than ever before. And just in case anyone was having trouble identifying who was saying what, the silhouettes fade into the actual people as we get one more round of soundbites: Karim has to give it his all when the curtain comes up, Chris is ready to give an awesome performance and have a brilliant time doing it, Emma can't even say how she would feel to make it through to the semis, it would mean the world to Kelvin, Alex has been training so hard and would love to make it to the semis. Then the curtain closes, and I hope we can put this entire sorry incident behind us and never speak of it again.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Rylan is still calling Emma "Honey Emma" even though there's only one Emma left now and it has been that way for a while.
- Saffron needs a new activity to create content as she doesn't know what to do with herself now.
- AJ thinks their samba was a 'great dance' and 'underscored'.  O...kay?

- AJ believes that the fans saved him and Saffron but the judges sent them home. O...kay?

- AJ believes Saffron is the true winner of the series. O...kay?

- Saffron's already forgotten some of the dances she did.

- Saffron had one move of her own in every dance they did.

- AJ wants Chris to win. Saffron loves everyone but would quite like Karim to win.

Saffron, Saffroff

Week 10: Top 6 Results - 24 November 2019

God, last night was a load of old shit, wasn’t it? I’m so ready for tonight to be the equivalent of that one random week they have on The Apprentice every now and then where Sralan gets so bored he fires the lot of them. Chuck them all out and just fill the remaining weeks with more Johannes, it’s what we all want. Well, except the homophobes that call Ofcom and they can just go in the bin. With last night's dances.

Cue credits.  I’ve just noticed the ugly star tattoo Michelle has between her boobs and now I’m never going to be able to see anything else.

(Bru)No, No, No

Week 10: Top 6 Perform - 23 November 2019

Last week! BLACKPOOLMANIA saw a liberal splashing around of high scores to the point where even Anton got his first ever 10s (also Emma but no-one cared about that). Michelle vogued – or, more accurately, vagued, and was sent packing in what might have been a SHOCK! BOOT! had you been told about it without actually seeing the episode. [Or being aware that she'd done a full leaderboard plummet the week before - Steve] Tonight! The most boring pre-credits VT of the series as everyone goes ‘ooh, there are only 6 of us left!’ Welcome to Blackpool Hangover week!

Cue credits!  Looking at David’s flower-patterned suit makes me wonder why we almost never see patterned fabric in the outfits on this show. 

We open with our much anticipated Bruno singing moment – he’s singing ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ and he sings (not especially well) in a ridiculously thick Italian accent and it would all be very third-choice X Factor Komedy Kontestant Kringe were it not for the fact the whole thing breaks the campometer – the pros (minus those left in the competition) are in neon pink and orange, there are so many feathered fans it’s like every night of Kylie’s Showgirl tour is happening at once, there are pink top hats, there are capes with letters spelling ‘I LOVE U BABY’ stapled inside, there’s Graziano and Johannes flirting some more to annoy Disgruntled of Tumbridge Wells, there’s one point where the men get confused as to which way they’re dancing and they crash into each other. Would I buy a Bruno album? Nope. Do I prefer that to the times Brucie and/or Anton sang? You betcha. Was everyone high when they decided to make this happen? It involved Trent and Bruno so I think we all know the answer to that.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Nobody on this show understands what 'shantay you stay' means.
- Michelle says no-one can feel good about leaving the show.  I bet Mike would disagree.
- This weekend's dance-off is being hailed as "the closest dance off of the series so far", despite it being voted unanimously in favour of one couple.
- Michelle believes she went out "in a blaze of gay glory".
- Michelle would like everyone to know that vogueing is a street dance, whether you believe it is or not.
- Apparently the song 'Vogue' was new to Giovanni which is the most shocking thing I've heard all week.
- Despite their pledge, the Frock Destroyers did not break up after their first single.
- Something unpleasant has happened to Baga Chipz' lips.
- Michelle thinks she might have been the first person ever to call Giovanni out.
- Approximately 178 looks were created for Blackpool.
- Graziano has a monogrammed hat.

Michelle shock

Week 9: Top 7 Results (BLACKPOOL Week) - 17 November 2019

So remember when the Blackpool results dance was Iveta as a little girl dreaming about how one day she would grow up to become Iveta and conquer the universe? Well, this year we have the reverse of that: it's Nadiya in old lady make-up, reminiscing about her lost youth. (Can't believe they put ageing make-up on Nadiya rather than getting in Iconic Strictly Icon Nadiya's Mum to play the part tbh.) She holds a picture of herself and Johannes from their wedding day and dances a sad waltz with it (to 'Mia and Sebastian's Theme' from La La Land, and big up to Laura on Twitter for identifying it for me because it was driving me mad trying to think of it) by herself before we flash back to the days of her youth, when she was being wooed by so many fine young gentlemen, but the one who truly caught her eye was Johannes. It's all very lovely and romantic, as long as you try to ignore the fact that the other female pros are being wheeled around on lampposts that are on castors, which just reads really comically to me, I'm sorry.

Plunge 'Pool

Week 9: Top 7 Perform (BLACKPOOL Week) - 16 November 2019

You might think that after seven consecutive series of making an annual pilgrimage up north that this show might have peaked with its Blackpool evangelism, but you would be wrong: we open with softly-scored footage of the glitterballs and such being packed away ready for the journey and transition to dreamlike drone shots of the Blackpool Tower, with Michelle saying over the top that "the Blackpool Tower Ballroom means everything to me" (does it? Really?), Alex saying she just wants to savour every moment, and Saffron being extremely Saffron by broadcasting herself and AJ on the train to Blackpool from her phone. Like and subscribe! We see Kelvin and Oti and Chris and Karen alighting from the train at Blackpool North talking wistfully about "125 years of history" and the need to give a performance "worthy of the Blackpool ballroom". Ah yes, wouldn't want to disgrace the location that brought us such award-winning performances as Ann Widdecombe's "samba", Judy Murray's Viennese waltz, Peter Andre's jive or Ed Balls' jive. Karim thinks it feels like a dream to be dancing there, and Emma thinks that dancing at Blackpool is going to be a different experience from being in the studio at Elstree. Well yes, for one thing the Tower Ballroom isn't just across the road from your workplace. Anton (for some reason) takes the celebs and pros off to the Pleasure Beach and tells them that it's a rite of passage that they have to go on a rollercoaster before they can dance in the Tower Ballroom. I dunno, I'm pretty sure that AJ and Amy at least were dancing in the Tower Ballroom when they were still about a foot short of those "you must be this high to go on this ride" notices. AJ possibly still is. Anyway, everyone goes on the rollercoaster and screams. Woo!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Mike did seek permission from Katya beforehand to do a conga for their exit dance.

- Katya's dedication to Mike's dance tuition extended as far as attaching sequins to his shirt.

- Mike lost a stone and a half doing the show.

- Johannes makes an absolutely darling backstage reporter. He had a little "press" card in his hat and everything.

- Giovanni had his first kiss at the age of seven.

Mike dropped

Week 8: Top 8 Results - 10 September 2019

We open with our traditional Remembrance Sunday pro routine, to ‘Time after Time’. Anton and Amy play the parents of a young boy before Anton goes to war. We then see some of the male pros as soldiers and the female pros as wives and we cut to our homoerotic brothers - Kevin is going in the navy and Gorka is sad. Then we see some female pros as soldiers - Dianne, Karen and Nancy, who finally gets a plot (she's in love with Graziano). When they talked about this dance on ITT as being a street commercial and contempowaft blend, I was worried, but there's also a lot of ballroom in here, some patented Strictly romantic benchography and some 'ghost' effects that are just about passable, so overall, it felt like one of the more successful remembrance dances.

Our hosts enter - Tess in a sparkly blue dress with a black lace veil over it - because remembrance?  It would look nice otherwise – and her hair and make-up look really good. Claudia's in a black suit with a white shirt and I think this is one of the best looks I've seen on her.

They thank Callum Hudson (who played the young boy) and pros and welcome the military personnel in the audience, before our judges enter: Shirley and Bruno, then Craig and Motsi, all in varying degrees of black, although Shirley's dress has white flowers on it that look like snowflakes. [Bloody millennials - Steve]  

Moments of note from last night's recap - Emma loves her dramatic blue and black eye makeup, Michelle's super curly ringlets looked just as bad before they got piled on top of her head, Kelvin stands against a blue wall that's the exact same colour as his outfit, making him look like he has no arms (a tribute to Nicole Scherzinger on the PCD album cover, perhaps), Karim’s bad points are emphasised but no-one else’s are, Michelle and Giovanni are both Virgos and apparently 'details matter so much' because of that [definitely starting to see why no one's voting for her tbh - Steve], getting the judges' 10s to play in unison is only going to work when Craig gives his up, synchronising three tens and a nine is just a cacophony, stop it.

So over to our first safety results: Karim and Amy (who screams piercingly and cries); Alex and Neil; Saffron and AJ. The first couple in the dance-off?  Michelle and Giovanni. Everyone else looks visibly shocked. I have been voting for them recently because I suspected their public support wouldn't be great, but to go from 2nd out of 8 must be a huge blow - realising that their vote is the lowest of everyone except - probably - Mike (and very possibly Saffron) can't be nice. [I'm no maths expert but I think given the leaderboard placings and the fact that there were zero ties, Michelle can only have beaten Mike in the public vote, assuming she beat anyone at all. Given their respective positions, I don't think there's any way she can have beaten Saffron in the vote. - Steve]

Michelle says she wants this desperately (being in the dance-off?), more than anything in a long time, and is willing to fight for it. Motsi is surprised and says to bring it on, but she’s at a loss for words.

I blame the outfit for a good 95% of this. BURN IT.

In the Clauditorium we learn that Michelle and Alex are good friends, Alex’s mum has never been to Blackpool and she and Neil are dancing a Paso - or at least that's the plan, but we'll see if Neil's injury makes a 'surprise' reappearance leading to an 'Oh mate, so sorry, hard luck, let me, Kevin, King of the Blackpool Paso help you out there'. Claudia says sorry to Karim for her rock joke and asks how relieved he is – he says he was sure he’d be in the dance-off, and that it’s Amy’s DREAM to be at Blackpool. Dream bigger dreams, Amy! Saffron is congratulated on her first 10 from Shirley and I'm not sure we need 'first 10 from each specific judge' to be a thing - first 10 ever and first 10 from Craig (i.e. first 40) are fine, but that's enough.

Our guest performer is Luke Evans, our latest actor trying to be a pop star, singing ‘Bring Him Home’. It's not Musicals Week. Although I suppose it does fit Remembrance Sunday.  His voice is fine although it's all a bit hammy and he does this weird thing with his mouth where his lips just disappear. Still, at least it's not the sound of Boeballs, for which we can all be grateful. Johannes and Amy do some waltzing-cum-contempowaft-cum-rumba in barefoot, which is pretty enough, but it would have been more interesting to see a dance based on the pseudo father/son dynamic that it's actually about. 

Dance debrief takes in Motsi telling us that Karim will recover, and that his shoulders were better than his crappy footwork; Shirley calling AJ a 'meticulous teacher who pays attention to feet', Craig saying that everything Michelle does has a reason. When Vicky Giggles' costume store is burned to a crisp later this week, believe that there'll be a reason for that, too.  Bruno, meanwhile, bangs on about Kelvin's hips some more. As Claudia thanks the judges, only Craig smiles down camera at us. Also nobody says Blackpool in this whole segment well done all.

Our annual charity poppy bit takes us to Waterloo station, and there's not much to say here other than the sellers seem to be selling glittery poppies? Oh, London. Also Oti tries to conduct a brass band. Doesn’t look very effectual.

More safe couples: Kelvin and Oti (who also needs a better bra, what is it with this week's outfits?) and Emma and Anton, leaving Mike vs Chris and both Chris and Karen look scared but the other two look resigned, and, of course, here they are for the fourth - and presumably final - time. Tess keeps reminding them it’s their fourth time and he says he’s used to it and it’s always a second chance but he also has the demeanour of someone who is quite relieved that the sweet release of death is on its way.

Craig says it's too late for technique, but to blow Michelle out of pool, it should be about performance and to really go for it. Mmm-hmmm.

In the Clauditorium: BLACKPOOOOOOOOL. Next week, Kelvin has the dance he always wanted to do - the jive. So post-Blackpool, we have so much good quality content coming from him - unless they're leaving a load of ballroom for the home stretch to make his probable winner's story more of a journey? Chris says he's gigged there and his shows were poorly attended so he’s excited to have a full house. It's Karen’s first time in 8 years when she’s got to BLACKPOOL without hitting the dance-off. Chris says its her new haircut. I mean, he's probably not wrong.

There's a trailer for next week in which GET ME TO BLACKPOOL – but it’s the same as every year, let’s just skip it.

Dance-off time, and Mike and Katya go first. Whilst this isn’t the worst indignity visited on the poor paso this series, it’s still no classic and remains (for me) firmly in the mid-tier of their crappy oeuvre. And it's kind of bland that it’s this, rather than their samba/Charleston/insert your least favourite as appropriate/personally I hated their quickstep/thirty-fucking-two I will never be over it, which is likely to kill them.

Michelle and Giovanni next and she seems a little shaken and hesitant at first, and you can see him encouraging her – when she remembers to perform for camera it improves a lot, and should definitely see them through. Now let’s never speak of the crimes committed against her in this styling again, delete it from YouTube, make it the biggest cover-up since [insert conspiracy theory of your choice here, I'm not getting sued].

Craig says one couple put up a very good fight but he’s saving Michelle and Giovanni. So the implication is that.. they didn't? Motsi says it was the best performance from both couples (no) but saves Michelle and Giovanni for being clearer winners, Bruno saves them for performing to the highest standard ‘with all due respect’ and Shirley would have also saved them. 

Mike says he’s had an amazing time, has lost a stone and a half, feels mentally stronger (I mean, I'm glad, because the very obvious message that the public really hate you can't be good for the self-esteem), and his parents are going to start dancing apparently – but his dad’s doing ballroom and his mum’s doing Zumba. Is that mismatch of styles what Katyaography comes from? It's beginning to make sense now. He says getting 32 for the quickstep was a highlight. Not for me it wasn’t. Katya says he’s going out on what she thinks is his best dance, and the only thing he’s lost is weight. Mike and Katya mug for the cameras and try and distract from Claudia signing off, then they dance out to ‘Rule the World’ (how come they get the least downer music?) and they make everyone conga, even Tess, which is honestly the best thing they've done on this show and a great last dance - as long as it doesn't become a 'thing' from hereon in.

Next week: BLACKPOOL and Westlife are performing a medley of their greatest hits, enjoy that Steve. [Gee, THANKS. - Steve]

Tears Before Blackpool

Week 8: Top 8 Perform - 9 November 2019

Last week! The VISCOUNTESS was crushed under the wheels of the Bushell express as Mike and Katya somehow sailed their way through a third dance off!

This week! Everyone wants to get to Blackpool! For the sake of all our sanity and the fact that my insane work schedule already has me super far behind with recapping, let's assume that wanting to get to Blackpool is mentioned in every link and VT and I will just recap the bits that aren't that, deal? *Fingers crossed for an easy recapping life*.

Our pre-credit video opens with Michelle saying 'one bad dance and you can find yourself out of the competition'. I mean - not going on how often the judges saved David and Mike, but there we are. Cue credits! Aww, they make me sad for Will.  Hope your leg's healing OK, Will!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Joanne Clifton has had a bit of a glow-up.

- Alex needs to imagine she's got a big happy birthday badge on her shoulder that she wants to show to her partner in ballroom.
- Joanne thinks Emma B's main rumba problem was being a bit out of time.  I'd say it was 'Anton' personally.
- Joanne noticed that Chris and Karen's bums were out of sync.
- Samba is now another dance that is hard for tall people.

- The Viscountess thought the samba was "such a funny dance".

- The Viscountess's ribs still hurt from the samba rolls.

- Dianne is "the messy one" in the girls' dressing room.

Out for the (Vis)count(ess)

Week 7: Top 9 Results - 4 November 2019

We begin this show this week with a tribute to Elton John, choreographed by Christopher Scott and starring Aljaž as Taron Egerton and Oti as either Renate or Richard Madden, depending on which bit of the film you think this is. Strangely, even though we've been promised hot and heavy same-sex couple dancing in tonight's show, this is not the routine in which it appears because in those outfits it's apparently quite queer enough for a primetime BBC1 audience already. People who got lucky on a sartorial front: Karen, Gorka, Nadiya and Johannes. People who didn't: pretty much everyone else but especially Kevin. They dance to 'Tiny Dancer', 'Crocodile Rock' and 'Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me', and I guess if you have to condense the Elton songbook down to three tracks, those are three pretty great ones to go for. (Oh, and the guy who's filling in for Neil is quite handsome, he can come again.)

Byker grooves

Week 7: Top 9 Perform - 2 November 2019

In the absence of an actual theme this week, the producers have apparently dubbed this one "halfway week", so tonight's opening VT is all about how excited everyone is to have made it this far, how they can't believe they're still here (although, looking at most of the people who got cut up to this point...really?) and how every moment beyond this just feels like a blessing that they couldn't possibly have dreamed of. There are also - and again, with varying ranges of credibility - a lot of affirmations from the remaining nine celebrities about how they feel they're getting better, becoming more confident, actually knowing that a chassé isn't part of a motor vehicle and so on. And of course, they don't want it to end. But for somebody - and on the face of tonight's dance draw, almost certainly The Viscountess - it's going to, this weekend. Crivens!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Whoever scripts this show isn't quite familiar with what "tens across the board" means.

- Apparently it was Catherine's goal all along to make it to Hallowe'en, in a case of "be careful what you wish for."

- Catherine feels like she's "gone through a divorce and got custody of JoJo", so at least she's looking on the bright side.

Anti-Cath

Week 5: Top 10 (of 11) Results (Hallowe'en Week) - 27 October 2019

Last night! Half the cast were struck down before the show even began! Michelle got 39, Karim got a light deramping, Catherine and Chris got stuck to the bottom of the leaderboard, and Craig got the hump with most of the routines!

Tonight! Someone’s not going to make it to the week before week before Blackpool week! But first, we must make it through the credits and our annual Halloween bondage themed pro dance. This year we have ‘Toxic’ as our tune and it’s Dianne and Giovanni at the centre of the paso-ish orgy with Giovanni looking like Dave Gahan in 90s-era Depeche Mode and Dianne looking like all the wigs got piled together on her head (yes probably even Karen’s from last night) and dyed black and red – all the ladypros are gothed up in black wigs but hers has red on it so we know who it is. They’re a tempestuous couple but even though he’s tempted by all the other female pros (at one point bending Janette in two at the vagina), he returns to her but she falls down dead with all the other women with Giovanni last dancer standing. So HE is the Strictly slasher then? (oh and the male pros turned up looking all V for Vendetta for 5 seconds as well). As ever, those of us waiting for the moment they let Goth!Kevin back out of hibernation to take centre stage in one of these things are left disappointed.

Night of the dancing dead

Week 6: Top 11 (/10) Perform (Hallowe'en Week) - 26 October 2019

Last  week!  The judges continued to push the boundaries of what the ‘9’ paddle can do and edge ever closer to demanding an 11 paddle! Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was in again and “inspired” one of the worst comedy routines in living memory! And after eighty dance-off appearances (approx.), David and Nadiya left the competition.

Tonight!  Ghouls and banshees and things that go bump in the night. That’s right, kids, Bruno’s back. We open with a pre-credits skit themed around The Twilight Zone which is chiefly notable for the fact that, randomly, Dave Arch has joined in the merriment. Next year our Strictly singers being tormented by The Man in the Hat and the other anonymous band members?

Cue credits!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Rylan wants Johannes to be prime minister.
- Erin is looking fantastic.
- In foxtrot, the woman needs to pull her hips back to give the man room to move. 
- It's important for the woman to stay left in a Viennese waltz so that the man has a choice of directions.
- God it's depressing that so many dances are described as 'woman needs to do X for the man'.
- A charleston shoe has a flatter heel.
- David literally couldn't do any of his jive in time on day one.
- Nadiya has five different smiles, each of which conveys a powerful message if you know what to look for.

Footballer's coming home

Week 5: Top 12 Results - 20 October 2019

We open with that much-anticipated Fashion! routine, with Kevin and AJ as red carpet correspondents who apparently have to be paid Equity rates if they speak, so they're just miming conversation with each other, and yes, it looks weird. Anton strides out in that horrible gold and black jacket they always make him wear when they're trying to make it look like he hasn't got a solid decade on everyone else in the roster, and the band strike up David Bowie's 'Fame'. The judges walk down the red carpet, followed by Aljaž and Janette as a pair of fashionista movie stars, and Aljaž is in leather trousers, just in case the double denim from last week wasn't your thing. Following them, Luba in a Ruth Langsford Memorial Wig playing Anna Wintour, with Amy as her anxious Plain Jane assistant. Luba is absolutely rocking this look by the way, truly gone too soon. Nadiya struts out as a scantily dressed model and offloads her luggage onto poor Amy, while Karen leans into her inner butch once again to come out with a top hat/tuxedo/cane combo and ... guys, I think I really fancy Karen Hauer this year? It's very disconcerting. [Honestly I have never been so invested in her as I have this year, what an unexpected butch glow-up - Rad] After her comes the star of the show: Johannes, in leather trousers and heels, vogueing with a hand-fan that says "POSE" on it (season two coming to BBC2 next Saturday!). Graziano, Gorka and Giovanni then turn up in matching suits, and I've fanoned them into a popera group called 3G. Nancy, Dianne and Katya arrive as fans desperate for selfies, and then Oti full-on lies on the red carpet with her leg over her head and narrowly avoids one or both of her titties escaping her dress. I guess whatever money they saved on Amy and Nadiya's outfits from the main show went into supportive undergarments for Oti in this number, and I'd say it was money well spent.

Blitz Carlton

Week 5: Top 12 Perform - 19 October 2019

Movie Week? Pffft. Blackpool Week? Get outta town. Musicals Week? I don't think so. Readers, there's only one theme week that matters: Carlton Week! Yep, after getting a warm reception as Bruno's holiday cover last year, it appears Alfonso Ribeiro has landed a semi-regular gig on this show because he's back to do it all over again! We open with a VT in which Craig, Shirley and Motsi sing his praises (although Motsi has to settle for "ooh, weren't he good on Dancing With The Stars?") because she's not actually worked with him yet), which I guess makes a change from watching the remaining celebrities read something quasi-profound from a set of cue cards and having it all edited together so they get to say one word each.

This Week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Dev went out to breakfast with Alex and Michelle this morning and it was all a bit awkward when they left to go on to training.

- Dianne seems to be taking this all very personally, to the extent of basically offering Dev free dance tuition for life.
- Motsi and Shirley both sent personal condolences to Dev and Dianne.

- Only Luba turned up for Kevin's birthday party.
- Anton was gripping Emma's neck so tightly in the rehearsal footage it looked like he was close to (accidentally presumably) throttling her.

- Oti should not quit the day job to become a hairdresser.

- Neil however has got his eye on Greg The Floor Manager's job.

Arrested Development

Week 4: Top 13 Results - 13 October 2019

Last night – well, who knows what the fuck happened? Let’s see what that car crash has done to the results…

You get a 9! And you get a 9! And you get a 9! (Not you Alex)

Week 4: Top 13 Perform - 12 October 2019

Last week! Movie week did its usual movie week trick of featuring a ton of musicals, loads of Disney and some TV theme tunes that only sort of half-count as movies. This week! One of those awkward weeks in between movie week and HALLOWEEN where the show has to work out where everyone is on their official journey!

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Anneka feels like she ran away to the circus on her gap year but has just come home to a pile of ironing.
- Rylan didn't realise Anneka's dance was meant to be a charleston.
- Anneka never wants to hear 'Woo Hoo' again, because it did her head in during rehearsals.
- If nothing else, Kevin has taught Anneka to clap in time to music.

Rice iced baby

Week 3: Top 14 Results - 6 October 2019

Last night! Anneka killed (dance), Karim Kung Fu-ed it up, Dev blue, Kelvin flue and... no-one did a Minions routine so I can't say their score Gru. Anyway, not many routines resembled their genres, and in a few cases they didn't much resemble dance at all. At the end of it all there was a big mid-table tussle that could easily see a shock bottom two - so let's see who the public have decided to cut loose.

Cue credits!  Of all the couples to decide to floss in their background, I wouldn't have bet on Kelvin and Oti.

We open with the pros all sitting in a cinema, no-one next to each other so they all have enough personal space... my ideal way of watching films. They're all pontificating on the power of cinema, which turns into a trip through the movies featuring (deep breath): The Jurassic Park theme tune; Giovanni in a Charlie Chaplin film; Anton and Nadiya in some Fred'n'Ginge-or-Cyd thing, Dianne in the Wizard of Oz; Gorka in Singing in the Rain (can we get a check on if the widow is in tonight?); Aljaž and Janette in West Side Story; Amy and AJ in Titanic; Graziano? and Luba in Mary Poppins (they make her fly and it actually looks good for a change); Neil in something with a plane, I dunno, Dambusters? [Edit: Ruggerlad informs me it was North by Northwest - cheers!] Kevin and Katya in Harry Potter; Nancy in Breakfast at Tiffany's standing and doing nothing like an absolute ICON; Karen and Johannes in  Dirty Dancing; Oti and Graziano in Brief Encounter, and then the shock twist is that Graziano was Rocky all along!

Then we move into more tributes featuring multiple pros: some sort of Black Panther-meets-Spiderman-something I can't identify but is possibly meant to be copyright-free superheroes?; Pirates of the Carribean; The King and I; La La Land; Moulin Rouge; more Charlie Chaplin; The Greatest Showman; Cabaret; The Sound of Music (with Nadiya in a wig that makes her look like a bad Carol Smillie tribute act) [we thought she was genuinely Amanda Holden for a moment - Steve] and there's some dancing in there somewhere. It's A LOT. But I guess quite spectacular in its own way.

Tess and Claudia enter. Dresswatch: Claudia's in a dark grey sparkly thing that's quite nice; Tess in a Morticia Addams-esque black velvet dress with enormous shoulders. Which I guess works for movie week as much as Halloween, so we'll let her off. Then we come onto Shirley'n'Bruno and Motsi'n'Craig, and Shirley's in a glam beaded white frock that looks very film star, Motsi in a striking red satin jumpsuit, Craig in a flowery jacket and Bruno in slightly boring black, but generally these outfits are an upgrade from 'yesterday'. Tess tells us Harry Connick Jr will be performing later - where did they dig him up from?

Interminable recap of yesterday in which the following of note happens: Aljaž tells Hot Greg he's got his timing wrong, everyone eats caramelised popcorn, a lot of time is spent on telling us how good Emma and Aljaž and Catherine and Johannes are if that's a portent of anything, Anneka and Kevin are fairly happy that the performance was actually one of their better attempts at the Charleston, Dev blends into the blue background backstage.

And now for our first set of results. Safe are: Emma and Anton (who shouts 'Yeah Baby', although isn't it supposed to be 'Yeah Baby Yeah'?); Kelvin and Oti; Alex and Neil; Emma and Aljaž. The first couple in the bottom? Anneka and Kevin, who don't look in the least bit surprised. Anneka says she gives no shits as she just feels like she's walked into an exercise class in a Victoria Wood sketch anyway. Shirley says to just enjoy it and then 'it's in the lap of the gods' although I can't see them beating anyone, unless Mike or David have a car crash dance-off, and even then I'd still expect Anneka going.

In the Clauditorium, we have important baby warz updates, as a video of Kelvin dancing with his baby is deployed; thooperfan updates as we learn Emma B sends fan letters to the hair and makeup team; Alex thinks it's a surprise to get through. The second set of results. Against Anneka Rice and David James.

And we're on to the second set of results very speedily indeed, saving Catherine and Johannes; Dev and Dianne; Will and Janette; Karim and Amy... and everyone else will have to wait until later.  Thought that was too good to be true. Craig says he loves theme weeks because it gets them out of their shells (/the rigors of sticking to genres).

Back in the Clauditorium, Dev says it's a surprise to still be here (?!), Catherine has a Charleston to Single Ladies next week and if you were betting that Johannes' face would tell you he's living his best life, then congratulations. Also Will's happy to be here and Karim doesn't get to say anything. I kind of feel they both need some more storylines...

Very Special Guest Harry Connick Jr is doing a version of 'Anything Goes' where he keeps messing about with singing off the beat and it's annoying me. Also he seems to have morphed into the love child of Jonathan Frakes and Ricky Martin, so there's that. Eventually Anton and Nadiya turn up and do a lovely quickstep which is quite nice.

During Dance Debrief, Motsi waxes lyrical about Dev's dance having a great mixture of everything; Shirley praises Catherine's performance and technique and reminds us it was a 'simplistic' routine, the shade of it all. We focus on Chris's terrible flapping hands and lack of  'pump' step. Claudia says it's week three and Craig says 'yeah, that's a long way into the competition'. We then cover Oti and Kelvin's synchronicity by showing a clip where they're not quite in sync. Then we recover Craig telling Anton his teeth are fake and the mortification of realising the truth, and he actually looks like he might cry with shame, bless.

And now we finally come to the rest of the results. Safe: Saffron and AJ; Chris and Karen and Michelle and Giovanni, meaning Mike and Katya are our two before the bottom two and David and Nadiya are once again dancing off. And could give us the opportunity for our second 'Home James' blog title in a row.

David says 'there's a movie called Deja Vu, isn't there?' and Tess says 'that's right?' because she's clearly not sure (there is, a 2006 thing with Denzel Washington. I've never seen it). Bruno advises him to sweep Nadiya up in the romance. Of Batman.

With the saved couples we learn that Saffron's nan is in next week and they're doing couple's choice to her nan's favourite song. We don't, sadly, learn what this is but I'll laugh myself silly if it's street commercial. Claudia says she wants It Takes Two to make an hour long montage of Chris's funny faces. If it wasn't finally going back to its regular slot this week they'd probably have actually done that. Sooo stretched for content. Michelle's doing a salsa next week and is glad to be going back to Latin, Mike has lost a stone and thinks he looks taller.

We then get a plug for the podcast the social meeds, It Takes Two, and they're still doing that BBC Three nonsense bet that doesn't last the duration.

And so we come to the dance off. Like last week, it's not one for the ages, unless you're a collector of duff dance-offs. Anneka's lack of shit giving marginally improves her routine but only to the degree that she might get an extra point or two from the judges combined - and I don't say improved in terms of technique, it's more in the sense of her not caring and knowing she's likely going home that makes it a bit more enjoyable to watch. David's is also the same amount of marginally better, mostly because he doesn't grin like a loon part-way through this time.

With the judges, it looks like Shirley's been crying? Craig saves David and Nadiya for 'commitment and improvement', Motsi saves them for 'a more emotional show', and Bruno saves them for being 'more convincing'. Shirley would also have saved them, funnily enough.

Anneka says she'd have saved them too, though Kevin says he wouldn't have. She says she's loved the whole thing even though she's covered in bruises and it's opened up a whole new world to her. One of her sons is getting married next year and she's determined to get on the dancefloor. Aww. Kevin says he was really worried on day one when she couldn't even clap but she's put in a lot of effort and he's really proud of her. They dance out to 'My Heart Will Go On' and we've witnessed our first early Kevin exit everyone. Next year it might happen to Giovanni?

So that's that for movie week! I for one am glad they didn't do Yesterday (and so should you be as I could rant about that film for 10,000 words easy). Shall we meet again same time same place next week to see if David is done for or becomes a new Dance-Off Goddess?

Dance Yourself Disney

Week 3: Top 14 Perform (Movie Week) - 5 October 2019

Last week! The public got their first chance to vote! Karim and Michelle dazzled, James and David gave us one of the most dire dance-offs of all time, and James was sent packing, primarily because David seems to hate being here less? Hopefully that doesn’t bode ill for Luba who deserves a chance with someone at least vaguely capable.

Tonight! It’s movie week, otherwise known as ‘spot how many songs are also from musicals so we can have a grump about theme weeks being the same’ week. We open with a trailer that claims critics are calling the show ‘exciting’ and ‘mesmerising’ and I feel this is definitely a case of CITATION NEEDED.

Cue credits. Is anyone else a little bit obsessed with the mini couples dancing in the background? I love how both Kevin and Luba are doing the twist and their celebrity partners are… also in the footage.

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

Monday

- Someone needs to tell Rylan it's series 17, not 16.  Unless he means of It Takes Two, of course.
- James is very good at forgetting things.
- Luba planned the whole jive with the aim of making James smile.
- It took James 10 years to go from starting rowing to winning a race.
- Luba thinks her lasting legacy in James's life will be his memory of her saying "shoulders down".
- James is pleased to never have to dance again, because now he has the official excuse of not being able to dance.
- James has learned that dancing isn't just about getting the steps right but about moving to music and working with your partner.

Home, James

Week 2: 15 Couples Results - 29 September 2019

We begin with the much-anticipated specialist flamenco number, which opens with Flamenco Oti sauntering into the studio and whooping, at which point Gorka (leaning out of a window with his nips out, nothing unusual here) stops talking to Nancy and immediately only has eyes for her. Oti continues to saunter around the room, bewitching every man that she passes with her flamencocity (and Katya's "ohhh, this bitch" reaction to it all is truly delightful) and making them all be her dance bitches as the band do a John Lewis-ified renditon of 'Gotta Get Thru This'. Gorka runs out to grab her attention but Oti has also noticed Graziano, and despite Gorka's flamenciest moves, Oti keeps straying out of his arms and into Graziano's and Gorka is sad about it. As promised, professional flamenco dancer Pablo Fraile appears as a manifestation of Gorka's inner torment while Graziano dances with Oti, and then the music segues into 'El Tango De Roxanne' as Gorka squares off against Graziano in an attempt to win her back, and it ends either with Gorka triumphing as Oti lies supine on the floor in front of him, or Gorka maybe going too far and killing her in the process. I'm assuming the former as it's Sunday teatime, but it looks quite menacing however you slice it. Also it ends with Graziano staring at Gorka's arse, which is the most relatable Graziano has ever been.

Zero(ual) sum game

Week 2: 15 Couples Perform - 28 September 2019

Last week! The series began in earnest and 15 couples, per Tess's voiceover, "exploded onto the Strictly dancefloor". I'd say James Cracknell was more of an implosion, but I appreciate we're just going for metaphor here. This week: the pressure is on because we get to vote for the first time and someone's going home this weekend. The contestants all read from the exact same script, stating that they are ready to fight for the place and show the judges that they are here to win. That's quite a bold direction, considering that there's still a weird very British resistance to the idea of people wanting to win (especially this early in the proceedings), presumably because it's not modest enough or some such nonsense. Still, I guess making everyone say it is quite a handy leveller, since the audience can't take against the entire cast. Or...can they?

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- 45 minutes is entirely too long for this show (Except on Fridays when it's a nice relief).
- Rylan's dance moves suggest he would have been a contender if he'd ever been a contestant on this show.
- There's a funky new set for this show, but it reminds me of The Circle.
- Kelvin was quite shy when they first met, and Oti wasn't sure whether to "give him all of Oti". (Yes, that's a direct quote.)
- Oti thinks Kelvin is 'quite intelligent'.
- Kelvin and Oti weren't sure if their samba was any good because no one else had seen it, but then they did their studio rehearsal and Kevin Clifton absolutely lost his shit over how good it was.
- Kelvin has never done a samba before but he likes to shake his hips at parties.
- Zoe still likes to do impressions of Iveta.
- Zoe thinks Kelvin's dance was 'fast and furious'.  Now there's a movie week theme yet to be exploited.

Cha-cha-challenge Anneka

Week 1: 15 Couples Perform - 22 October 2019

It's the moment we've all been waiting for - the Ru-veal of the first proper trailer for RuPaul's Drag Race UK! Oh, and also the first live performance show of Strictly Come Dancing 2019. We open with a VT that captures Jeremy Vine on the radio talking about the rumours of who might be doing the show this year. Incredibly, he manages to do so without ever (a) mentioning that HE DID STRICTLY ONCE YOU KNOW, HE WAS A FAN FAVOURITE, PEOPLE LOVED ME, GOT ALL THE WAY TO... WELL, NOT TO BLACKPOOL BUT HA HA HA, GOSH THEY LOVED ME (b) asking the Queen to intervene and tell us who's doing it. And then they revealed names like Saffron Barker, Karim Zeroual and Will Bayley and we still wondered who was doing it, and I promise that will be the absolute last joke I will make about the C-list nature of a significant portion of this year's cast, honest. Anyway, the celebs were revealed, we had the launch show, it took over a week for it to be actually broadcast in which time one of this year's cast was eliminated on medical grounds, everyone went into training, they turned up for studio rehearsals and now they're all here, so we segue into a (presumably) live shot of the cast of 2019 doing an Ellen-at-the-Oscars group shot, taken by Catherine.

So Laing, (hello and) Farewell

Launch show: 7 September 2019

The nights are drawing in, Ikea is full of students and their parents buying duvets and tealights, you’re contemplating whether the summer duvet is still sufficient, and that guy you went to school with twenty-five years ago is posting nonsense on Facebook about it being too soon for the supermarkets to sell tubs of Celebrations for a fiver. Yes, for the umpteenth year running, September is back. Which also means Brand! New! Strictly Come Dancing! With a Brand! New! Judge! A Brand! New! Professional Dancer! And a host of Brand! New! Celebrities! (seriously, many of them are brand new to this celebrity lark, don’t pretend you’d heard of Emma Weymouth or the table tennis dude before a few weeks ago). [I actually had heard of Emma Weymouth! But only because I went to Longleat about a month before she was announced. - Steve]

The Strictly launch show this year has landed at an interesting moment, given:

a) the absolute clusterfuck of our country’s political situation which probably means half the pros could get kicked out of the country mid-series because I dunno how a Brexit works but given the shower in charge of it I’m going to assume the worst. (And also I am a little scared about how the scriptwriters are going to work our country’s ever crumbling democracy into gags.  And how Tess is going to deliver said jokes)

b) the fact that we all know Jamie Laing got injured in between this show’s filming and broadcast, which has overshadowed proceedings a lot.

c) poor Giovanni being mugged the other day (hope you recover well, Gio. And I hope this is the last of scumbags attacking the pros because it should not be a trend), and

d) lots of grumbling about the less-than-stellar cast (it was perhaps a wise move that the trailers focused on the pro dancers instead of the celebs this year).

Taking all of that into account, if the show hopes to be the national pick-me-up it always presents itself as, then it’s got more work to do than usual to make that happen. 

Anyway.  We have an hour and a half of this to go, and it better include at least half an hour of Kylie because otherwise I can’t see what possible reason they have for stringing it out so long. Speaking of Kylie, I don’t have long to wait, because this year they’re straying further away from the surrealist madness of the old opening VTs and going straight into her guest slot. [Fnar. - Steve] We’re at some anonymous stage somewhere (on a later watch I think it’s the big stage they set-up outside Television Centre), and the pros dancing around energetically in front of a big gold mirrorball that spins to reveal Kylie singing ‘Love at First Sight’ (the noughties one, not the eighties one) wearing an unfortunate white fringed dress that looks like it came out of Tess’s cast-off bin (were it not for the fact that Tess is twice the size of Kylie). Poor Kylie. I like the triangle earrings she’s wearing though.  We’re then taken into a medley – a generic party dance to ‘Better the Devil You Know’ a rumba-contempowaft to ‘All the Lovers’ which is a massive missed opportunity for the pros to recreate the (semi)naked polysexual pile-on from the video and I would like to request my licence fee back please. 

Then it’s into ‘Dancing’ which must be the last track worraswizz, no Johannes and Luba showing off their perfect physiques to ‘Made in Heaven’, no contempowaft in which Anton murders the Spirit of Dahnce to ‘Where the Wild Roses Grow’ and no poppers-o-clock group dance to ‘Your Disco Needs You’ (which I’ll forgive if they eventually make that into the big BLACKPOOL number it deserves to be). They quickly wheel the celebs on stage, hide them at the back, then bring in a load of prop dancers to do the routine with Kylie and hide the fact that the pros can’t line dance. Jamie Laing is very happy with that Kylie performance, what a surprise. I’m kind of a bit disappointed he’s not doing it?  I feel like he could have been quite fun in a post-BLACKPOOL boot kind of way? Maybe they’ll bring him back next year. [Yeah, I did wonder if he's basically got a standing invite for 2020, like when Eureka crocked herself on RuPaul's Drag Race. - Steve]

Anyway, because the timing of this show is all kinds of backwards, we cut from Kylie to the (now) traditional outside bit where the celebs first meet the public, and this isn’t filmed as some big reveal where they all come on, but as a clip show of Motsi being rushed on in a fabulous voluminous skirt as the new judge with no real introduction as to who she is for the audience (which I assume will come later?), then a barrage of talking heads from the celebs. Weirdly, we’re not welcomed by the more familiar faces like Anneka Rice or David James, but by the least famous ones (The ‘Viscountess’, that BBC Chris Hollinsy one, some sportsy people, the YouTube one, maybe the comedian I think? The show didn’t bother captioning them or introducing them so I can’t tell for sure) It’s all over very quickly – presumably because they put out a seven-minute version of this on iPlayer last week although I don’t know how many people would actually be aware of it.

We then cut to later in the day, on the stage outside Television Centre, as the pros run around to a ridiculously sped-up segment of ‘Crazy in Love’, before we zoom in on Graziano (he lives!  This is probably the most we’ll see of him outside of It Takes Two all series!) and Dianne dancing against a purple background and… zoom out to the studio. As transitions from the outside bit to the inside bit go, this was one of the lamest so far.

They are on a podium dancing to ‘Giant’ and joined by Johannes and Luba and Neil and Katya.  These two get a decent amount of camera time which seems deliberate, to show that they might have split up but they’re still dancing together and want to get beyond the tabloid scandals – like Kevin and Karen last year.  And can someone please look after Janette and Aljaž this series because I think we’re all over The So-Called Strictly Curse thank you very much.  The other pros arrive and Luba swaps Johannes for Anton which is really going from one extreme to the other.  The dance is very much one of those ‘bit of this, bit of that’ routines rather than being in a specific genre, though it features a lot of air punching, and it does have a quick sequence where New Pro Nancy is thrown around by the men, before the music segues back into ‘Crazy in Love’ and then it ends.  

Tess and Claudia enter – Tess in a blue velvet curtain thing which is half-short, half-long and has enormous shoulder pads (wardrobe undoing the semi-decent work they’ve put in here over the past couple of years), and Claudia in a red mac.  Guess she didn’t get the memo that only the first bit would be outside. They welcome us and Davearch and tell us that Stacey and Kevin will be back to do their winners’ dance (unlike some people, Joe McFadden) to their most ‘dramatic’ routine.  Claudia hopes it’s their Minions routine, but Kevin gotta Kevin so of course it’s going to be the paso.

The judges enter – Bruno (in a black suit with a white shirt unbuttoned to Simon Cowell levels of uncomfortable viewing), Shirley in a blue dress with what looks like a piece of 3D-printed white plastic over it, Craig in a dark aubergine coloured suit and with much less fake-tan on than usual, meaning he looks the best he has in years, and then Motsi, in the voluminous red skirt we saw briefly earlier – and it’s massive – like it could easily be hiding Susannah hiding Anton. And honestly, until I looked for that clip, a) I thought it was Ruth that had done that, and b) I’d forgotten that Susannah did this show. Only last year.

So on Motsi’s casting.  I am sure she’ll be great, not least as she has experience from judging in Germany anyway. I don’t think she’ll favour Oti – if anything, it’ll be the reverse. But I am a bit sad that the days of all the judges being older than me are over (even though Alesha isn’t much older, it still counts). Anyway, farewell Darcey, you did grow on me – and farewell to our beautiful Pasha, of course (SOB), the unexpected casualty of the show realising it had way too many male pros. Motsi says she loves being here and already feels part of the family and she has the SAME VOICE as Oti which might prove tricky for the visually impaired.  

And now it’s time to see whose agents have got them the best CV-glow-up (beyond the elevation to ‘celebrity’ in the first place etc. I’m not going to go on about the bargain-basement casting too much more because it’s all everyone’s talked about for weeks as it is. There are still some classic Strictly signings among the ‘eclectic’ choices and the most interesting contestants aren’t always the ones you know most about anyway).

This year’s cast are: Former England goalkeeper David James; From EastEnders Emma Barton; Comedian Chris Ramsey; Model and Chef Viscountess Emma Weymouth (I can’t help but think that ‘celebs with titles’ is now one of their key categories – we went from ‘Judge’ to Reverend to Doctor to Viscountess.  I can’t wait to see who they get next year. *crosses fingers for Baron Greenback*); Radio One DJ Dev Griffin; Social media star Saffron Barker; From BBC Breakfast Mike Bushell; Singer and TV judge Michelle Visage (I’m a little surprised she’s not From RuPaul’s Drag Race UK given how the BBC likes to brand its stars but I suppose that might be a little confusing given it hasn’t started yet); Paralympic gold medallist Will Bayley (not a table-tennis-ist?  Shame on you BBC - be proud enough of the minority sports to name them if you’re casting from them); actress Catherine Tyldesley; TV personality Jamie Laing; Lioness and Match of the Day pundit Alex Scott (I’d comment on David James being described as an England goalkeeper whilst Alex is a ‘Lioness’ rather than an England ‘right-back’ or-whatever-that-means-in-laypersons-language-I-speak-minimal-sport but I don’t need a load of misogynists @ing me on Twitter… although I use it once in a blue moon these days so if they do, it’d be the digital equivalent of pissing in the wind); CBBC star Karim Zeroual; TV and Radio presenter Anneka Rice and Olympic Rowing Legend James Cracknell. Jamie is the one most enthusiastically dancing to the theme tune.

Claudia tells us we have a BRAND NEW Glitterball trophy. Tess points out it looks like the old one – although I think the Perspex logo looks a bit less crappy? Claudia says it has a double plinth, presumably to fit more names on. At least I’m assuming they retired the other one because it was full, not because Stacey and/or Kevin broke it? [I forget who it was but one of the former winners said you only get a tiny facsimile of the real trophy to take home anyway. WHAT A SWIZZ. - Steve]

Shirley tells the celebrities to listen to their pros, and to leave their egos at the door and pick them up when they leave. I hope this is shade at Danny John Jules. Bruno says he wants excitement, for them to give him and show him everything they’ve got. Bruno’s still living in hope that this show will recreate that naked routine from DWTS Argentina, I see. The show’s not even embraced same-sex pairings yet, Bruno, it might take some time before they cast, let’s say Kinga from Big Brother, she’d probably do it, to run around with no clothes on. Craig says it’s a good sign that no-one’s fallen down the stairs yet. This feels kind of awkward, now we know Jamie’s going to injure himself. Motsi says they have to have fun, connect with the audience and ‘live the moment’.

Catherine Tyldesley is first, which feels only fair given that she’s been waiting to be on this show for what seems like several years. We see clips of her time in Coronation Street which mostly involve making people wet by pushing them into fountains or chucking pints over their head, and she says her only dance move is ‘jazz hands’, which is more than ample requirement for Chicago at least, the dirty ringer. 

Saffron Barker is 19 and a YouTuber who looks like Louise and Sharon from EastEnders spliced together, so Keanu’s dream woman, in other words (shout out to the two people in the country still watching EastEnders). Her most distinguishing feature seems to be a nose ring which she presumably won’t be able to dance in? She’s apparently been vlogging since she was fifteen. In 2015. Yes, the children of the millennium have officially arrived to make us all feel old. And I know she’ll get AJ but I just so desperately want her to get Anton. 

Michelle Visage tells us she’s best known as the ‘tough judge’, the ‘honest judge’ on Drag Race, and I’m not sure where she gets that from because I’ve seen every series of that show and she is most known for having a magnificent bosom and hating green, but hey, maybe she’s going for a rebrand for Drag Race UK. Although I will concede occasionally when she gets a hate-on for a contestant she can go a bit Sharon-Osbourne-going-after-Steve-Brookstein. We then see lots of clips of her with incoming Greatest Dancer judge Todrick Hall and she tells us a little bit about what Drag Race is and that the UK version is coming, so there’s your inhouse promo machine working well. 

Alex next, and she’s forced to toss a football about between her hands uncomfortably for ages in her VT, but otherwise, it’s your standard sportsperson ‘nervous, awkward, parent-dancing etc’ reel. 

Onto the pairings. The male pros are all introduced by their various championships… and Anton is ‘King of the Ballroom’. Bets on Janette being ‘Latin sensation’ again? Catherine’s paired with Johannes, which seems like a partnership with potential. Saffron is with AJ because the show STILL won’t give AJ the older woman he so desperately needs to give him a new bit of personality. Michelle is paired with Giovanni and she’s happy that the ‘two Italians’ are together although she clarifies that she’s a ‘New York Italian’ and he’s ‘an Italian Italian’. God I’m already imagining the themed-up-the-wazoo ‘Be Italian’ tango the show’s got lined up for them. Maybe in movie week and they can recreate the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp (insert obvious joke about which one’s the tramp here if you like, I’m too classy for such things).  

Tess tells Alex that footballers have never won, so could she be the first? Alex says that being the first female footballer is probably enough. But here’s another first… the first celebrity partner for Poor Neil. They bond that they’re both ‘reds’ [except for different teams, and please let this not be a banter storyline for the entire series - Steve] and the nation hopes this means Neil will be kept too busy to bring back Nell de Jaunse.

In our first Clauditorium of the series, Claudia asks Neil which football team he supports - ‘the red ones’ and Saffron says she was four when the first series of Strictly aired. She was actually three, just to rub salt in that collective wound.  (She turned four in between s1 and 2). Claudia asks who Catherine’s like on the dancefloor, and she says Mr Bean.

The judges give their take. Shirley says she thinks Catherine will bring performance, Michelle will bring sass and give Craig a hard time, Saffron will bring energy and being adorable, and Alex will bring stamina and power. Tess asks Motsi what she will bring to the show, given Craig is ‘cruel to be kind’, Shirley’s ‘about technique’ and Bruno ‘is…’ (she missed the obvious gag of ‘falls of his chair’ there). Motsi says she knows how they feel so she’ll give them encouragement and empathy.

We then get a VT about Motsi and she shows that she’s won a bunch of international competitions, has judged the German show for eight years and she wants people to bring ‘fire’. 

Next is a pros-and-judges routine which opens with some samba from Oti, Nadiya and New Girl Nancy all in green; the most milquetoast Party Latin partner-swap routine you can imagine featuring Shirley with AJ, Kevin, Neil, Gorka and Anton all dressed in orange; some sexy hanging about on the stairs from Aljaž, Graziano, Giovanni and Johannes; Bruno shimmying with an even more uncomfortable than before amount of chest showing, accompanied by blue-clad Karen, Luba, Janette, Amy and Katya (who’s wearing formal trousers and I’m not agin the way they’ve been masc-ing up the female pros this year – as with Karen in the promo trailer. Perhaps it’s gentle softening up of the audience towards same-sex pairings?). Craig is then boogying with Oti, Nadiya, Nancy and Dianne, whose long green dress and bright red hair make her look EXACTLY like Poison Ivy, and I can’t believe they haven’t dressed her as such for Halloween or Movie Week yet. We then see all of them dancing on a split-stage to ‘La Vida Loca’. Then Motsi emerges to salsa with the sexy staircase stallions to ‘Shape of You’ and I don’t care for Ed Sheeran but at least it’s brief. Overall, I think that was quite a fun segment? I mean, we don’t need extra content in this show, but at least it’s dance content.

Time for the first of the men. James says he hasn’t wanted to do a proper job since retiring as an athlete, so he’s been hanging out in the desert and the arctic, but then he needed to pay his mortgage rather than dicking about on an endless gap year a new challenge, so here he is. Karim next, and he is tiny, so I think we all know where he’s headed. He’s known for presenting CBBC and I know people scoffed at him being not famous, but it’s not his fault that kids’ programmes are no longer on the main channels. Had Strictly been on in the 80s and 90s, I guarantee we’d have seen a pre-Going Live Philip Schofield, Andy Crane, Emma Forbes, Yvette Fielding and Kirsten O’Brien on this show (and Gaz Top claiming he was too edgy to do it to hide the fact he hadn’t been asked because he was on the other channel). Sadly, we’d also have had to endure Andi Peters being as insufferably smug as he was on Celebrity Masterchef - and we still might one day, so be careful about wishing for people you’ve heard of. Anyway, the point is that ‘CBBC presenter’ is so obvious a BBC niche that I’m shocked it hasn’t been done before. And no I hadn’t heard of him either before this but that’s not the point. He says he’s used to working with a puppet that’s seen better days (insert joke about Tess/Anton/Janette/etc here) and the chaos of live TV so he feels prepared. He likes to dance when he’s cleaning and he claims he doesn’t know ‘too much’ about the Strictly styles, ‘just the salsa, the cha-cha-cha’. Ringer.

Chris Ramsey is next, filling our now-annual comedian requirements. There’s not much to say about this one, sorry. He’s a Geordie so maybe Cheryl will pop in? Then David James, aka this year’s ‘you mean he hasn’t already done this show?’ contestant, and if, like me, you were fooled by those promo pics of him looking like he’s been drinking from the fountain of youth and thinking you’d maybe underestimated his attractiveness, get ready to feel even older than you did a few minutes ago with Saffron, as he tells us he has TWO GRANDCHILDREN. 

So, time to see which SPORTSMAN Nadiya will get, who’s getting the comedian this time around, and how they’ll introduce Janette! Which is kind of hilarious – ‘two times Strictly Christmas champion’. Yes, let’s remember that time First Boot Melvin won because all his castmates were in the studio audience. New Girl Nancy is missing from the line-up, so I guess she’s relegated to the sidelines with Gorka and Graziano, which makes sense given she was a last-minute addition.

James tells Tess that rowing is ‘mostly sitting down’ and, for those of you on ringer watch, that’s what Denise Van Outen said about being in Chicago. [I was watching Fosse/Verdon last night and discovered that Roxie does not sit down that much in the original Fosse choreography? This has come as quite a shock. - Steve] He’s paired with Luba, for a solid sportsmanlike introduction to the competition for her. There are no boybanders or Holby City stars this year so she can wait another year for her ringer, I guess. Karim next, and he says he wants to take the training seriously.  He’s paired with… Amy? She’s taller than him, which is an unusual choice, but he seems like a sweetheart and that’s probably what she needs after the last series, and maybe he’s a secret ringer? When Chris comes forward, the camera lingers on Katya for a slightly meanspirited tease, although she laughs it off. He’s paired with Karen (and is anyone else digging her new cropped do?  If only for it being so rare for lady pros not to have short hair). Nadiya therefore gets David James and between this group of men there seem to be several options for the official male Komedy Kontestant and it’ll be interesting to see if Nadiya or Luba can cope with that if the mantle falls on one of the SPORTSMEN. (Also, poor Len, three SPORTSMEN in a series and he’s not here.  Wonder if he’s already put his name in the hat for when Bruno has his week off).

Bruno says it’s hard for men to lead (drink!) and to perform ballroom with style, elegance and grace, as it has to look easy, but in fact it’s so hard, and they need to focus on telling a story as that will help them relax which… seems like actual dance advice from Bruno, I’m confused.

Another super special guest performance (the very length of this show, le sigh. Can I blame bloody Chris Chibnall and his epic breaks between Doctor Who series?), this time from Mark Ronson and Yebba , whom I’ve never heard of but looks a little like Masterchef and Big Finish goddess and possible future Strictly star (because voiceover artist is a niche they could still explore) India Fisher. They’re performing ‘Don’t Forget Me’ as the Dance Troupe (Graziano, Gorka and New Girl Nancy – and I know they don’t ‘officially’ call it that any more, but come on, it’s exactly the same thing) plus Karen dance around in front of them – it’s an odd routine, part rumba, part robot, but it does fit the changing tempos of the song, and I’ve seen worse.

Now we come to the annual game of ‘which car full of pros would you want to be in on the way to meet the celebs?’. Also, in what I’m assuming is a trial run for the next revamp of Top Gear, they’re all in different, distinctive, vehicles. Claudia is driving Tess in one of those little Twizy cars and I’m surprised there’s even room for Tess’s legs in that thing. As for the dancers, in car one (sparkly blue mini) Neil is driving all the G-boys (Gorka, Giovanni and Graziano). In car two (orange VW campervan), we have Oti driving Karen, Janette and Nadiya. Car three (light blue vintage thing) has Amy driving Luba, Dianne and Katya. Kevin is driving Aljaž in a vintage Beetle and Anton’s driving Nancy in a blue sports car, which he says is veteran’s privilege. Then we see AJ and Johannes in a plastic kids’ car.  Poor Johannes having to be part of a classic joke on AJ. Nancy gets no lines except ‘yeah’ when Anton says he thinks she’s ready for the show. At least that’s good prep for being in the background all year. Welcome to Strictly, Nancy.

Then it’s onto meeting the celebs – in a dance studio rather than a big country house for a change.  We don’t get much of a sense of how good they’ll be from this, but it does feature Johannes spinning Anneka around in his arms and her looking like she’s having the time of her life, which you would.

We come to the rest of the women now. Emma B says her character Honey is lovely but ‘a few pies short of a picnic’ and she’s got NERVES but is also our dedicated superfan and she’s afraid of falling down the stairs and taking everyone out. Emma W (why cast two people with the same name in one series, that’s just a mess waiting to happen) [although we did survive having two Rickys in series 7 - Steve] says she works VERY HARD being a Viscountess, cleaning out animals at Longleat and also cooking on Saturday morning TV AND working in fashion, modelling and having two sons. She says her dance style is ‘clapping to music’ but she wants to get Bruno to jump out of his seat as ‘that’s when you know you’ve made it’. I love that that’s her bar of success. And now Anneka Rice, who surely must have been asked for this before and it’s nice to have her finally here. If her performance on Celebrity Hunted is anything to go by, she still has a lot of energy and determination.

Emma B is first and she’s paired with… Anton? Anton is overjoyed and says ‘so this is what it feels like, book me in til Christmas’ because he’s apparently already forgotten that he made the final with Katie Derham. Emma, for her part, looks a bit less thrilled but says she’s over the moon and her mum is going to be very happy. Emma W grabs Tess round the waist while she waits, because she hasn’t learned that you don’t grapple Tess, Tess grapples you. She is given Aljaž, and I can see her coping well with a patented Aljaž lovely waltz and less well with a Aljaž car crash samba. This means tall Anneka is paired with tiny Kevin. The height pairers are drunk this year.  She says she’s never danced and she’s actually terrified of it, and that she can’t even clap in time.

In the Clauditorium, Anton is still babbling about how he’s finally got someone good, and we ran this storyline just four years ago, so reliving it isn’t going to be at all tedious.

Tess asks Craig what he thinks of the pairings and he says Giovanni is going to have his hands full with Michelle but he’s most excited about Karim and Amy and he expects fantastic things from them. The male cast seems quite weak this series, so he could well be the one to watch, especially as a lot of people are rooting for Amy.

Fresh from his partnering up, Kevin’s back with Stacey. They remind us that they’re a couple now, and that last year Kevin took on the mantle of pro who goes a bit nuts when the glitterball’s in sight and becomes an unholy mess when they win (hello Camilla, Flavia etc) and that she kind of liked winning a bit but not as much as him. Let’s see if actually going out with her dance partner means she hasn’t lost it quite as much as returning winners usually do. It’s a kind of ‘ish’ attempt – she can still perform and her timing and body movement are pretty good, but her shaping and precision are lacking quite a bit.  he tells the contestants to enjoy it because ‘you only do Strictly once and then it’s done’. Apart from Christmas specials. And the tour. And Sport Relief/Comic Relief. And if they ever do an ‘All Stars’ (20th anniversary perhaps?). And if you end up on the circuit of regular ITT contributors. Etc. [I refuse to let them ever do a returnee series because you just know Jeremy Fucking Vine would be in there like a shot. - Steve]

And now, finally, we’re meeting the last celebs.  Mike says he’s a sports presenter whose niche is being rubbish at trying out minority sports (so can we expect a VT with the table tennis player?) and falling over. Oh, and he also likes Trance music, which was the most surprising revelation of this entire show, not gonna lie. I’m kind of intrigued now, and I’d just had him down as budget Chris Hollins up until this point. He then gets to head the ball Alex played with earlier. 

Will is next and bounces some glittery table tennis balls around. He explains that his disability, arthrogryposis, causes problems with his joints and he’s had it since birth. He says the dance that will least suit him is Argentine Tango because he can’t do sexy-face, although unless he turns out to be a contender, he probably doesn’t have to worry about that too much.

Dev is next, marking our return to Radio One for stars after a few series’ absence. He says he is a ‘blank canvas’ when it comes to dancing, and I remember him saying he was similarly hopeless at cooking and he ended up in the Celebrity MasterChef final, so he could be one to watch. Jamie says Made in Chelsea is ‘about a group of young people who live in London’, rather than ‘gawping at a bunch of deluded aristos’. Also, did anyone else notice that the press were all ‘ooh they’ve let him in and they don’t normally do reality stars’ when we already had that exact storyline with Mark Wright five years ago? [And that Alison Hammond had been on just about every reality show prior to her appearance? - Steve] The collective amnesia around this year’s show is quite something.

Tess says Mike is the most excited celebrity and he says he feels like a dog off a lead leaping round with excitement and he’s very excited about the jive because his ‘signature move’ is a jump. It looks like he and Will are both super-tiny, so where will they deploy Janette? Not here – they’re giving Katya what, on paper, looks like a return to the Ed Balls days, which is probably a sensible option after the rollercoaster highs and lows of her last two series. They both do a jump kick and squeal their way up to the Clauditorium.

Will gives Tess a big hug and she points out that he’s had a spray tan (and how. It’s the most Ronseal of the lot). He says he and his family are massive Bruno fans, and I’m kind of loving all the random Bruno stanning among this cast. He goes and gives Bruno a hug and Bruno looks genuinely touched that he has fans. D’aww. He is paired with Janette, obviously. 

Tess tells Dev that he’s a DJ so he must be able to dance (has she forgotten the track record of DJs on this show?) and he says he has one move, which is basically the ‘knees’ bit from ‘Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’, so that’s the Charleston sorted. He’s paired with Dianne. And finally, it’s ‘heir to a biscuit empire’, Jamie, paired with Oti.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Jamie and Karim have invented a special bro handshake, and having seen it, I might miss Jamie a little bit less. We also learn that Will’s about to take part in the European championships, so they give him a sparkly bat as a present.

Shirley says she’s looking for great technique, but also great entertainment and great personality, and she thinks we’ll get a bit of everything. Tess tells Motsi to fasten her seatbelt for her first celebrity car crash group dance and asks her advice. Motsi tells them to enjoy it because after tonight it gets serious and they can forget about having fun. Such a Mabuse, I love it.

Claudia says ‘whatever happens next’ they’ve had a good evening, the foreshadowing of it all. As usual with the group dance, you can barely see what’s going on, but nobody looks to acquit themselves that well, to be honest. The men are all terrible (although Karim seems to have a bit more potential than the others) and from what we see of the women, they’re quite hesitant and lumpen, especially Alex and Saffron, whom I thought had dancing in her background but seems to be more the new Vick Hope. Anneka seems to be MIA. Catherine seems to have a better grasp than everyone else I think?

And we then come to our bitter epilogue… the car crash group dance has officially claimed its first victim. Jamie went over on his ankle and the MRI shows so much damage that he has to wear a boot on his foot for eight weeks. For some reason, we don’t then get introduced to his replacement (Kelvin Fletcher from Emmerdale, who seems like the hunk material this casting was lacking but I don’t know much about him [his Instagram has all the information you'll need, you're welcome - Steve]) – but we end on everyone else being very excited to be here.

And there we have it!  We didn’t learn much about Nancy, we didn’t get a good look at the dancing skills of many of the stars, we didn’t get as many Kylie deep cuts as I would have liked (justice for Crystallize etc), but we DID get Motsi in a massive skirt and that’s the most important thing.

In two weeks’ time, we get this show properly on the road, so join Steve then!

(And I don’t want to become one of those blog wankers who always promotes their other projects, so I promise I will only mention this now and when it’s released, but I have a book about reality TV coming out in November, which you can pre-order now either direct from my publisher, or from Amazon – so that’s your Christmas shopping sorted.)